A new year but not a new story................
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
A new year but not a new story................
In my last thread i discussed that my abf was giving his recovery a good shot and getting on with his new job well etc, but that i wasnt sure if i could still go through with the relationship anymore as i didnt feel things were right.
Well.............................................. ..
As i also explained we were due to go on holiday for a week over New Year and i was a little worried about the chances of him drinking, as i was gonna be spending some time with friends too.
I didnt even get the chance to have worries about this as on the saturday he got blind drunk during the evening and proceeded to tell me he wasnt going a million times in voicemails to my phone.
So on the sunday i thought he might sober up and come to his senses! but no! I get a voicemail early that morning and hes still drunk!!
I get 4 calls that afternoon, i answer the last one in sheer frustration and he was in the pub, slaughtered.
I switched my phone off instantly, i had so much to do as i was going away the next morning i couldnt deal with his drama too.
I didnt hear from him again until Tuesday morning when id been in Finland for a day.
He text me to say sorry and that he only acted the way he did for my own good, cos he wanted me to go away and have a worry free week without him!! What a joke! Why not just bloody behave and come away with me and enjoy it????
So on thursday night 4 hours before i have to be up for the airport to go home i get a text saying that he will be there to pick me up when my flight lands. I say 'well if thats what you want to do, thats up to you'.
My plane lands back in the UK and i switch my phone on to find out, guess what??? He has a really bad chest and needs to see a doctor asap so he's not there! I REALLY was suprised, not!!
I get home to my mums house, unpack my things and went to do a quick food shop. While im out i get a text saying 'guess what i just read?'
He then proceeds to tell me he found what id said about him(following the drunken episode)on a bands forum and he was heartbroken.(i said i was glad he wasnt going and that if he didnt quit acting up he'd soon be my ex)
The band is the one i was going to see in Finland at new year and the forum is were i met the friends i was meeting there.
He was apparently trying to find out if the band had played the songs that i wanted at the concert so he could suprise me that he knew! What crap! He was fishing for info on what i was up to, i bet!!
So with his chest being ever so sore, he manages to make it to the pub, get blind drunk and send me constant voicemails yet again.
He was still drunk last night but ive not heard from him today...........yet!
He has told me he doesnt want to see me again and is now trying to get sympathy on facebook by posting that he was 'dumped on the net' and also i guess trying to make me look a bitch.
Sorry for the long post!
Rant over!!!!!
Well.............................................. ..
As i also explained we were due to go on holiday for a week over New Year and i was a little worried about the chances of him drinking, as i was gonna be spending some time with friends too.
I didnt even get the chance to have worries about this as on the saturday he got blind drunk during the evening and proceeded to tell me he wasnt going a million times in voicemails to my phone.
So on the sunday i thought he might sober up and come to his senses! but no! I get a voicemail early that morning and hes still drunk!!
I get 4 calls that afternoon, i answer the last one in sheer frustration and he was in the pub, slaughtered.
I switched my phone off instantly, i had so much to do as i was going away the next morning i couldnt deal with his drama too.
I didnt hear from him again until Tuesday morning when id been in Finland for a day.
He text me to say sorry and that he only acted the way he did for my own good, cos he wanted me to go away and have a worry free week without him!! What a joke! Why not just bloody behave and come away with me and enjoy it????
So on thursday night 4 hours before i have to be up for the airport to go home i get a text saying that he will be there to pick me up when my flight lands. I say 'well if thats what you want to do, thats up to you'.
My plane lands back in the UK and i switch my phone on to find out, guess what??? He has a really bad chest and needs to see a doctor asap so he's not there! I REALLY was suprised, not!!
I get home to my mums house, unpack my things and went to do a quick food shop. While im out i get a text saying 'guess what i just read?'
He then proceeds to tell me he found what id said about him(following the drunken episode)on a bands forum and he was heartbroken.(i said i was glad he wasnt going and that if he didnt quit acting up he'd soon be my ex)
The band is the one i was going to see in Finland at new year and the forum is were i met the friends i was meeting there.
He was apparently trying to find out if the band had played the songs that i wanted at the concert so he could suprise me that he knew! What crap! He was fishing for info on what i was up to, i bet!!
So with his chest being ever so sore, he manages to make it to the pub, get blind drunk and send me constant voicemails yet again.
He was still drunk last night but ive not heard from him today...........yet!
He has told me he doesnt want to see me again and is now trying to get sympathy on facebook by posting that he was 'dumped on the net' and also i guess trying to make me look a bitch.
Sorry for the long post!
Rant over!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Im guessing the madness has to end and end for good.
He seems like he wants it to be over too but i never can tell when hes being truthful.
I think id be better off moving on and finding someone who has the qualities i want and can meet my needs, as im pretty sure my bf doesnt right now.
I feel like im being made to look like im in the wrong, he said on one of his voicemails that this crap was down to me!! What a joke!
I think he's delusional and needs to get a grip cos he wont just be losing me, his new job will be next.
He seems like he wants it to be over too but i never can tell when hes being truthful.
I think id be better off moving on and finding someone who has the qualities i want and can meet my needs, as im pretty sure my bf doesnt right now.
I feel like im being made to look like im in the wrong, he said on one of his voicemails that this crap was down to me!! What a joke!
I think he's delusional and needs to get a grip cos he wont just be losing me, his new job will be next.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by sam79 
Im guessing the madness has to end and end for good.
He seems like he wants it to be over too but i never can tell when hes being truthful.
I think id be better off moving on and finding someone who has the qualities i want and can meet my needs, as im pretty sure my bf doesnt right now.
I feel like im being made to look like im in the wrong, he said on one of his voicemails that this crap was down to me!! What a joke!
I think he's delusional and needs to get a grip cos he wont just be losing me, his new job will be next.
He seems like he wants it to be over too but i never can tell when hes being truthful.
I think id be better off moving on and finding someone who has the qualities i want and can meet my needs, as im pretty sure my bf doesnt right now.
I feel like im being made to look like im in the wrong, he said on one of his voicemails that this crap was down to me!! What a joke!
I think he's delusional and needs to get a grip cos he wont just be losing me, his new job will be next.
Yes to the first sentence, you cannot tell when they're telling the truth, I'm not sure that they can either.
Yes to the second - he can't meet your needs unless you like living in chaos and insanity.
Yes to the last - he is using every bit of manipulation he can, to get you to feel guilty/crazy/bad/at fault. It's what they do. The ARE delusional, and will continue to be that way unless they choose a sober strong recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
sam,
When you are sick of the bs apologies and the drama and everything else, you will choose to do something different.......you've been 'round here long enough to know all your options (no contact is the one that immediately comes to mind) and you are a strong woman free to have whatever kind of life you want. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and happy new year!
When you are sick of the bs apologies and the drama and everything else, you will choose to do something different.......you've been 'round here long enough to know all your options (no contact is the one that immediately comes to mind) and you are a strong woman free to have whatever kind of life you want. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and happy new year!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
It sure is!
He just told me he lonely and just wants to be loved!
My reply was 'yeah me too but i dont get it either. i get manipulated,abused and made to feel like im the one to blame for all this. Its your fault you feel that way. Harsh but true'
Do you think that was a tad over the top? or just being honest?
He just told me he lonely and just wants to be loved!
My reply was 'yeah me too but i dont get it either. i get manipulated,abused and made to feel like im the one to blame for all this. Its your fault you feel that way. Harsh but true'
Do you think that was a tad over the top? or just being honest?
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,710
Originally Posted by sam79
It sure is!
He just told me he lonely and just wants to be loved!
My reply was 'yeah me too but i dont get it either. i get manipulated,abused and made to feel like im the one to blame for all this. Its your fault you feel that way. Harsh but true'
Do you think that was a tad over the top? or just being honest?
He just told me he lonely and just wants to be loved!
My reply was 'yeah me too but i dont get it either. i get manipulated,abused and made to feel like im the one to blame for all this. Its your fault you feel that way. Harsh but true'
Do you think that was a tad over the top? or just being honest?
For me it turned into a school-yard game of "it's-all-your-fault-nuh-uh-it's-all-your-fault-nuh-uh" etc.....
Didn't do anyone any good. Didn't move me forward. Didn't help him get sober. Didn't do anything but waste time and push me further into a very unhelpful victim mentality.
Maybe he is lonely. He probably does want to be loved.
If you recognize that you truly are NOT to blame for these needs, that you are NOT responsible for supplying them, you may find that your need to defend yourself wanes.
Good luck, sam! I'm sure you'll find your way!
-TC
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sam79
It sure is!
He just told me he lonely and just wants to be loved!
My reply was 'yeah me too but i dont get it either. i get manipulated,abused and made to feel like im the one to blame for all this. Its your fault you feel that way. Harsh but true'
Do you think that was a tad over the top? or just being honest?
He just told me he lonely and just wants to be loved!
My reply was 'yeah me too but i dont get it either. i get manipulated,abused and made to feel like im the one to blame for all this. Its your fault you feel that way. Harsh but true'
Do you think that was a tad over the top? or just being honest?
Not over the top. Honest.
So it comes down to how long do you wnat to continue this? You can stop it anytime you are ready to do so.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Sam - what is the payoff for you continuing this "relationship"?
I have been lurking for some time and it seems like I know an awful lot about him but very little about you. Put him to one side (for the moment). What is it that Sam wants out of life? What are her big dreams? What career does she want? Where does she want to be in 10 years time? What makes her heart sing? What feeds her soul?
I have been lurking for some time and it seems like I know an awful lot about him but very little about you. Put him to one side (for the moment). What is it that Sam wants out of life? What are her big dreams? What career does she want? Where does she want to be in 10 years time? What makes her heart sing? What feeds her soul?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Consider that there are about three billion males on this planet who just want to be loved and who don't want to be lonely. That's not news...we all want that. "He" is one of those three billion.
Finding someone with whom we're compatible --- who we're not constantly fighting with, who we don't get abused by, who doesn't drink themselves into oblivion, cheat and lie ----- is something I'm glad I chose to do. It's a big risk to strike out and look for someone who's better for you, sam, but might be worth it. It doesn't seem like you're happy. (to say the least)
Finding someone with whom we're compatible --- who we're not constantly fighting with, who we don't get abused by, who doesn't drink themselves into oblivion, cheat and lie ----- is something I'm glad I chose to do. It's a big risk to strike out and look for someone who's better for you, sam, but might be worth it. It doesn't seem like you're happy. (to say the least)
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
Sam,
Sometimes it's almost hard to imagine there's another way to live. You forget what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship with a real partner.
The system you're in now is making you miserable. It just is. You will have to be the one that stops it because he will work very, very hard to keep it going. There's a whole lotta light on the other side!!!
Take care of yourself!
TH
Sometimes it's almost hard to imagine there's another way to live. You forget what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship with a real partner.
The system you're in now is making you miserable. It just is. You will have to be the one that stops it because he will work very, very hard to keep it going. There's a whole lotta light on the other side!!!
Take care of yourself!
TH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Well i just spoke to him.
Told him honestly that he talks it all very well but theres never any action.
He seems to think he never promised to quit drinking in the past but this morning decided thats what he has to do. I just told him sorry but ive heard it before and he said 'but ive never promised in the past'
To me that doesnt even register, promises shmomishes, blah, whatever.
He's literally begging me not to give up on 'us' and saying he doesnt want to ever be without me.
I feel bad questioning his motives but its the way all this drama and crap has got me.
He said hes gonna see about counselling if he can fit it around his job and consider trying AA but only cos i mentioned it, im doubting if he would of thought about it otherwise.
I just told him not to expect anything of me, i will not commit myself right now because im too scared of being hurt to do that. I want ME time. Time to think what I want.
Told him honestly that he talks it all very well but theres never any action.
He seems to think he never promised to quit drinking in the past but this morning decided thats what he has to do. I just told him sorry but ive heard it before and he said 'but ive never promised in the past'
To me that doesnt even register, promises shmomishes, blah, whatever.
He's literally begging me not to give up on 'us' and saying he doesnt want to ever be without me.
I feel bad questioning his motives but its the way all this drama and crap has got me.
He said hes gonna see about counselling if he can fit it around his job and consider trying AA but only cos i mentioned it, im doubting if he would of thought about it otherwise.
I just told him not to expect anything of me, i will not commit myself right now because im too scared of being hurt to do that. I want ME time. Time to think what I want.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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He said hes gonna see about counselling if he can fit it around his job and consider trying AA but only cos i mentioned it, im doubting if he would of thought about it otherwise.
Good for him. That's his plan and if he sticks to it, and actually does it (instead of just talks about it), commits to doing whatever it takes to stay sober and find recovery, well good for him again.
MEANWHILE...if you have no plan and you are just sort of watching and waiting to see what he's going to do next (or worse, believing what he says he is going to do next) you are staying on the roller coaster, up down, up down, blech!
Try to make a plan for yourself outside of his plans- something strong sturdy and purposeful that sam79 can stick to that doesn't budge whether he drinks or doesn't drink whether he quacks or stonewalls.
The promises we make to ourselves are the ones we should be monitoring closely - not a promise made by an active alcoholic.
peace--
B.
Good for him. That's his plan and if he sticks to it, and actually does it (instead of just talks about it), commits to doing whatever it takes to stay sober and find recovery, well good for him again.
MEANWHILE...if you have no plan and you are just sort of watching and waiting to see what he's going to do next (or worse, believing what he says he is going to do next) you are staying on the roller coaster, up down, up down, blech!
Try to make a plan for yourself outside of his plans- something strong sturdy and purposeful that sam79 can stick to that doesn't budge whether he drinks or doesn't drink whether he quacks or stonewalls.
The promises we make to ourselves are the ones we should be monitoring closely - not a promise made by an active alcoholic.
peace--
B.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hope you get off the rollercoaster sam,
Promises mean nothing, please do not fall for that trap
Talk to him after he has been in AA for a few years
Otherwise the show will continue...
It sucks to leave an ill person in denial, but just yesterday a nice guy told me "oh do not feel sad, you are an incredible woman" and I was like what? a compliment? a normal interaction? he was NOT drunk??
It is like coming back from the Twilight zone, from one of the scariest ones!!
Good luck in your process and please keep posting. I hope the new year brings you clarity and health. As they say, you are a victim only the first time..
Hugs to everyone here as well, I am thinking of all of you and how incredible people you are!!
Promises mean nothing, please do not fall for that trap
Talk to him after he has been in AA for a few years
Otherwise the show will continue...
It sucks to leave an ill person in denial, but just yesterday a nice guy told me "oh do not feel sad, you are an incredible woman" and I was like what? a compliment? a normal interaction? he was NOT drunk??
It is like coming back from the Twilight zone, from one of the scariest ones!!
Good luck in your process and please keep posting. I hope the new year brings you clarity and health. As they say, you are a victim only the first time..
Hugs to everyone here as well, I am thinking of all of you and how incredible people you are!!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by anvilhead
sam.....addicts really have this need for the world to go their way....so they can rip and run and do whatever the hell they feel like and NOT suffer ANY consequences. they act in many ways like ill-behaved children....rowdy, selfish and petulant. they also cling to magical thinking....much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, where all she had to do was click her heels together three times and say There's No Place Like Home and WAH LAH, she's home. only they use the term I'm Sorry. that is supposed to solve everything. make it all better. and now they want to go back to doing what they're doing, when they want, without repercussion.
many of US involved with these overgrown 5 yr olds cling to words like I'm Sorry and I love you....in the real grown up world those words DO have meaning....however they are also backed up by consistent action and behavior.
most often the "apology" from the alcoholic sounds something like:
I'M SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN
but if nothing changes, nothing changes. after we've heard the "oath" a couple three hundred times, it tends to lose it's meaning. it's just yap. it gets old.
i think you are starting to see thru the thin veneer of BS....
many of US involved with these overgrown 5 yr olds cling to words like I'm Sorry and I love you....in the real grown up world those words DO have meaning....however they are also backed up by consistent action and behavior.
most often the "apology" from the alcoholic sounds something like:
I'M SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN
but if nothing changes, nothing changes. after we've heard the "oath" a couple three hundred times, it tends to lose it's meaning. it's just yap. it gets old.
i think you are starting to see thru the thin veneer of BS....
My AH never ever said he was sorry for anything. Never. Nothing was his fault.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
but just yesterday a nice guy told me "oh do not feel sad, you are an incredible woman"
(sorry for the threadjack)
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by sam79
I think id be better off moving on and finding someone who has the qualities i want and can meet my needs, as im pretty sure my bf doesnt right now.
I wanted to give you something to ponder, not pick apart your post. Often when I post others have pointed out things I have written that were so subconscious at the time I typed them that it has helped me to have them brought to light. Just wanted you to know my intent is good.
(((hugs)))
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