A new year but not a new story................
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
still waters...you are right, i probably generalized my post based on my own experience.....thank you for balancing that out.
To Add: You all are way ahead of me. The very thought of getting involved with anyone else makes me cringe. Of course, I AM a married woman too :P
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
I cant take the pressure im under.
My abf is telling me how he wants me in his life so much and will do whatever it takes to get better and get us back on track.
Im emotionally tired and i feel like curling up away from the world.
I dont want to be happy ever after with him right now.
I cant accept his issues or the fact he thinks thing are gonna be soooo different this time.
IVE JUST HAD ENOUGH OF EVERYTHING. FULL STOP.
My abf is telling me how he wants me in his life so much and will do whatever it takes to get better and get us back on track.
Im emotionally tired and i feel like curling up away from the world.
I dont want to be happy ever after with him right now.
I cant accept his issues or the fact he thinks thing are gonna be soooo different this time.
IVE JUST HAD ENOUGH OF EVERYTHING. FULL STOP.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You have the key to your own cell, sam.......you can open the door and walk away. And some day, if he's taken his healing seriously for a respectable amount of time and if you feel like it, you are free to walk back.
Turn off the pressure. Stop taking his calls, his emails, his messages, his texts, whatever.
Just. Stop.
It's driving you insane. Make some space to rest inside yourself for a while.
You own the earth, and can take whatever direction you feel might lead you toward happiness. You can give up on him, but never give up on you.
Love,
GL
Turn off the pressure. Stop taking his calls, his emails, his messages, his texts, whatever.
Just. Stop.
It's driving you insane. Make some space to rest inside yourself for a while.
You own the earth, and can take whatever direction you feel might lead you toward happiness. You can give up on him, but never give up on you.
Love,
GL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sam79
I cant take the pressure im under.
My abf is telling me how he wants me in his life so much and will do whatever it takes to get better and get us back on track.
My abf is telling me how he wants me in his life so much and will do whatever it takes to get better and get us back on track.
L
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Sam,
You know when you're on an airplane, and they give you those directions about the air pressure dropdown oxygen masks?
What is it they say?
Put it on *yourself* first,
*Before* you try to assist anyone else.
You cannot help anyone when you, yourself are lacking oxygen,
necessary for life.
Sam, you are in a similar position right now.
And I know, cuz, I was there many years ago.
I was sick to death with worry and fear and anger and saddness over my son's addiction.
And I *had* to let go.
I had to give myself oxygen or I was going to die.
Because, I *did* want to die at that time.
With self care; with counseling; with alanon and with some medication that all together helped me get back on my feet once more, I can now deal with my son once more. I know how to detach with love. I know how to draw boundaries -- and keep them. And I know when to say "don't come around now. I don't want a front row seat to your sickness."
You can do the same, if you want. You can get healthy. You can draw boundaries and learn how to care for yourself and make healthy decisions for yourself.
Remember, you didn't cause this;
You can't control it;
and you can't cure it.
That's all up to him.
Put the oxygen mask on, Sam...
It's your turn now. And it's ok. You deserve a life too.
Shalom!
You know when you're on an airplane, and they give you those directions about the air pressure dropdown oxygen masks?
What is it they say?
Put it on *yourself* first,
*Before* you try to assist anyone else.
You cannot help anyone when you, yourself are lacking oxygen,
necessary for life.
Sam, you are in a similar position right now.
And I know, cuz, I was there many years ago.
I was sick to death with worry and fear and anger and saddness over my son's addiction.
And I *had* to let go.
I had to give myself oxygen or I was going to die.
Because, I *did* want to die at that time.
With self care; with counseling; with alanon and with some medication that all together helped me get back on my feet once more, I can now deal with my son once more. I know how to detach with love. I know how to draw boundaries -- and keep them. And I know when to say "don't come around now. I don't want a front row seat to your sickness."
You can do the same, if you want. You can get healthy. You can draw boundaries and learn how to care for yourself and make healthy decisions for yourself.
Remember, you didn't cause this;
You can't control it;
and you can't cure it.
That's all up to him.
Put the oxygen mask on, Sam...
It's your turn now. And it's ok. You deserve a life too.
Shalom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
I have bounderies. He knows them.
Ive told him exactly how i feel about everything.
But when he tells me not to give up and that he loves me so much and all he ever wants is to be healthy so he can marry me and have kids etc it hurts.
I understand this but also i have heard this before and im unsure as to whether it will actually happen. I cant take the hurt i might have waiting for this.
I just dont like how much i could hurt him by telling him i cant deal with it anymore and i know it will kill him.
Yes i have to think of me first and what i want,but my decisions also have an impact on his life.
I feel like im the one with all the decisions though, as if im deciding the fate of this relationship and i dont want the responibility. I dont want to be the one seen as the bad guy for causing so much hurt.
Yes i have the answers to it all but i just cant face it and its just getting me down.
Ive told him exactly how i feel about everything.
But when he tells me not to give up and that he loves me so much and all he ever wants is to be healthy so he can marry me and have kids etc it hurts.
I understand this but also i have heard this before and im unsure as to whether it will actually happen. I cant take the hurt i might have waiting for this.
I just dont like how much i could hurt him by telling him i cant deal with it anymore and i know it will kill him.
Yes i have to think of me first and what i want,but my decisions also have an impact on his life.
I feel like im the one with all the decisions though, as if im deciding the fate of this relationship and i dont want the responibility. I dont want to be the one seen as the bad guy for causing so much hurt.
Yes i have the answers to it all but i just cant face it and its just getting me down.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
It will *not* kill him.
It may hurt him for a bit. He'll survive.
We've all survived a break up.
And yes, you *are* the one with the decision to make.
That's because it's *your* life! And therefore, it's *your* responsibility.
You and only you are responsible for your life.
You are *not* responsible for his life; he is.
What you are *seen* as is totally irrelevent.
What others think of me is their business.
I know what is my truth; so too do you know your truth.
Please read your first couple of posts on this thread again.
Before you began to waver. You were quite sure then. Even before he was drunk and harrassing you; when he was working his recovery and had a job, (that you think he's about to lose now). Those are what caused me to respond to you.
And yes, you *will* be down if you decide to end it. That's normal. Ending any relationship is the end of a dream. But, a dream is etheral. It's not real. And you deserve something that's real. We all do. But, in the end, like the Phenix, you will rise again, with your head up high. Because you will have your *self* intact.
In the end, it's up to you. It's your life.
Live it in drama; or get a real life that you say you want.
Alanon showed me the way. It's there for you too.
This Serenity Prayer helped me so many times:
G*D, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Shalom!
It may hurt him for a bit. He'll survive.
We've all survived a break up.
And yes, you *are* the one with the decision to make.
That's because it's *your* life! And therefore, it's *your* responsibility.
You and only you are responsible for your life.
You are *not* responsible for his life; he is.
What you are *seen* as is totally irrelevent.
What others think of me is their business.
I know what is my truth; so too do you know your truth.
Please read your first couple of posts on this thread again.
Before you began to waver. You were quite sure then. Even before he was drunk and harrassing you; when he was working his recovery and had a job, (that you think he's about to lose now). Those are what caused me to respond to you.
And yes, you *will* be down if you decide to end it. That's normal. Ending any relationship is the end of a dream. But, a dream is etheral. It's not real. And you deserve something that's real. We all do. But, in the end, like the Phenix, you will rise again, with your head up high. Because you will have your *self* intact.
In the end, it's up to you. It's your life.
Live it in drama; or get a real life that you say you want.
Alanon showed me the way. It's there for you too.
This Serenity Prayer helped me so many times:
G*D, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Shalom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Well, time for an update!
Its been a very stressful couple of weeks but at the weekend i decided to call time on my relationship.
Ive had enough because for the past 5 days hes been getting drunk, phoning me, leaving nasty voicemails, being generally abusive on my IM's and acting like a child.
Sunday was just the worst for me.
Whilst in a drunken rage on msn he decided to call me a b***h, tell me how he hates me, how he hopes i die and that my cat was dead(wasnt really).
And apparently he's gonna make my life hell.
So I threatened him with the police if it carried on and he suddenly decided to stop.
Until yesterday, when i got 'i f**king hate you' and ive not heard from him since.
Im gathering he's sober and been to work today as my mum got in touch with him to find out were a parcel of mine was, as it has been posted to his house and he said he'd been out all day and wasnt sure. She said he seemed ok.
I think he seems really sad today though as his Facebook title says he struggling to cope.
I do feel bad but then he brought all this upon himself really.
So im planning on starting a new.
I have 3 apartments to view on Friday/Saturday for me and my cat!
I guess i have to do it, i need to be me again and find out who i am.
Im gonna re-start a gym membership, learn to swim and join aqua aerobics as i want to get fit and loose a little weight.
All good stuff just for me.
I just hope he can deal with his issues as we have a few things to sort out over the coming days/weeks and we both have to be strong.
The only other down side to my life at the moment is, theres a guy i had a drunken night with before christmas and i cant get him out of my head still. We can hardly look at eachother sometimes since the 'episode' and its really getting me frustrated.
I find him so attractive and theres just something about him that i can stop thinking about.
I doubt he'd ever like me, he's just way out of my league.
Its just making my stress levels rise and i dont need it right now.
Its been a very stressful couple of weeks but at the weekend i decided to call time on my relationship.
Ive had enough because for the past 5 days hes been getting drunk, phoning me, leaving nasty voicemails, being generally abusive on my IM's and acting like a child.
Sunday was just the worst for me.
Whilst in a drunken rage on msn he decided to call me a b***h, tell me how he hates me, how he hopes i die and that my cat was dead(wasnt really).
And apparently he's gonna make my life hell.
So I threatened him with the police if it carried on and he suddenly decided to stop.
Until yesterday, when i got 'i f**king hate you' and ive not heard from him since.
Im gathering he's sober and been to work today as my mum got in touch with him to find out were a parcel of mine was, as it has been posted to his house and he said he'd been out all day and wasnt sure. She said he seemed ok.
I think he seems really sad today though as his Facebook title says he struggling to cope.
I do feel bad but then he brought all this upon himself really.
So im planning on starting a new.
I have 3 apartments to view on Friday/Saturday for me and my cat!
I guess i have to do it, i need to be me again and find out who i am.
Im gonna re-start a gym membership, learn to swim and join aqua aerobics as i want to get fit and loose a little weight.
All good stuff just for me.
I just hope he can deal with his issues as we have a few things to sort out over the coming days/weeks and we both have to be strong.
The only other down side to my life at the moment is, theres a guy i had a drunken night with before christmas and i cant get him out of my head still. We can hardly look at eachother sometimes since the 'episode' and its really getting me frustrated.
I find him so attractive and theres just something about him that i can stop thinking about.
I doubt he'd ever like me, he's just way out of my league.
Its just making my stress levels rise and i dont need it right now.
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