hopeangel

i truly don't know how much more of this i can take you guys.

i want to just scream and cry and yell. i've been so patient but something has to give soon.

i just don't know how much longer i can stand staying in this house with AH. i have no idea when it is going to sell or when this nightmare is going to end. i called today about an apartment, but i'm on the waiting list and she doesn't have anyone that has even given a 30 day notice.

even my mom says she doesn't know how i've standed it as long as i have.

i want peace. i know that every second i stay here and allow AH to verbally abuse me (not to mention the fear of physical abuse or something horrible happening to him or someone else) the more my self esteem and my will go down.

i've done so much to build myself up, i really don't want to lose myself again.

last night after a bunch of verbally attacking me as i sat on the couch and said absolutely nothing. then he just stands there and stares at me or laughs every time he goes by me (which really kinda creeps me out), he was so drunk he urinated himself, then he got up from that and got in a truck and drove. i don't know how he does it without getting a dui. he can kill somebody or kill himself. of course, this morning raging and yelling at me the whole time i was getting ready for work continuing to degrade me.

i don't have any control over anything with him anymore. i can't talk any logical sense into him. i can't reach him.

it really hurts and makes me sick to my stomach that it has come to this and that i can't even get through to him.

i've called a friend of his -more like a father figure- and told him the whole situation. he said he would talk to him, but he hasn't done anything and hasn't called me back. he's the only one that i know might be able to help him.

the only other thing i could think to do to help him is to tell his best friend and maybe try to get his parents support (not likely because they are the biggest enablers). i don't want to do this without talking to the other guy i have confided in, but he doesn't call me back. my counselor suggested that maybe i have him talk to the others and get everybody together.

anyway, i'm just at the end of my rope. the holidays are getting to me. i'm sad and lonely and depressed. anxiety is starting to get to me.

i'm not one to give up or give in. i've got a fighting spirit.

but, please tell me that this bad time will all be over soon and i will be happy again.

Still Waters

Is that apartment the only one there??

Is there no other place you can stay?

LaTeeDa

Take all the effort and energy you are WASTING on trying to get through to him and trying to help him and use it to help you. Call a domestic violence helpline and ask for help finding a place to go. They will likely have access to resources that you don't.

I cannot tell you this bad time will be over soon as long as you remain unwilling to help yourself. It will be over as soon as you decide you want it to be over, and not one minute sooner.

L

Tally

Sounds like you should stop trying

Again, why would you try?

Or you could forget about helping him. Does he actually deserve your help? Could that energy not be better spent helping yourself?

Bjen

Try not to worry about him. I say try because I know it is hard. Focus is on you, he chooses to live his life his way, so you choose your own way. You obviously want a better life so keep it in your mind, the way it will be soon. Keep looking for somewhere to live, how about weekly rates on a hotel for a while? Not a lot of fun but maybe temporarily? If you keep YOUR goals in mind you will accomplish them if you want them. Then your answer will be YES, it does get better.... Hang in there....

hopeangel

i need to come here for help more instead of trying to do this all myself. really.

"I cannot tell you this bad time will be over soon as long as you remain unwilling to help yourself. It will be over as soon as you decide you want it to be over, and not one minute sooner." latee - you always have a way of putting things in the most straight forward way. your insight and way with words is amazing.

missus, why do i feel so guilty saving myself? why do i feel so guilty jumping ship? it's almost like i want to hand him the life preserver first before i get mine, SERIOUSLY!!! you all really have me thinking now and meanwhile i am definitely going down with the ship.

i know i have fear of abandonment and being alone, but i think this is well beyond that now because i know i am already alone now. i am already abandoned now. i also know that being alone can't be worse than what this is now. i know at this point i don't have anything else to lose.

i've lost so much already and am setting myself up to lose so much more. i don't even want to think about what i have given up and missed and the damage this has done.

so, why the heck am i holding on?

stillwaters, i still have a very hard time justifying to myself moving and paying rent and mortage not knowing how long it will take to sell the house and how much debt i will occur. fear of the unknown. all excuses, if i want it bad enough i'm sure i would just do it. i just want everything to be clean cut i guess-all in order. plus, the giving up of a dream is a hard one. facing failure and abandonment again, lots of reasons i guess. anyway, i could probably find another place, it just would not be as easy.

bjen, thanks for the hope.

LaTeeDa

Hope, I really hope you reach your bottom soon. I have been reading your posts for over two years, now. I can tell how much pain you are in. This man has hurt your animals, held your money hostage as blackmail for sex, threatened your life, and who knows what else you may not have even shared. Yet you stay. You try to "get through to him." You want to "help" him. You say leaving is not easy. How easy is what you've been doing for the past 2+ years? How much peace has it gotten you? How is all this trying and helping working out so far? Maybe it's time to try something else..........

L

Chrysalis123

When I was feeling like you are now someone said to me, "Jump and the net will appear." That little saying helped me so much and the net did appear for me in ways I never imagined.

I'm praying for you Hopeangel.

Ago

The way I heard it was "Jump and ask for help half way down"

that came true for me as well

no job, no money waiting for me, I just jumped, couch surfed for a month, did some odd jobs, then found a place to live in about 3 weeks I think, maybe a month later had a regular "gig" moneywise.

Thank God I left Thank God Thank God Thank God

Now I look back and it was like some theater of the macabre disturbed distorted psychobetty episode that I was "stuck" in.

It was like that movie "The Shining" I swear to God....it all just seems like some surreal nightmare now...I can't even believe I allowed that insanity in my life....and that's what it was pure insanity poured on so thick and so fast it became my "normal"

Now I feel like Neve Campbell in those bad horror movies she did where it was like a year later and where life is normal and nice and children are playing and the sun is shining and then something would happen and she'd get "that look".

It's over now, and truthfully, the biggest thing that sends me spinning out and having panic attacks is people being so nice to me.

Makes me wonder "what they are up to" now when people are nice to me, when they are going to be abusive and call me names then run away...Now when I get a nice compliment it sends me fleeing to my sponsor I swear...."what do you think they really meant by that?" I'll ask him

That's my biggest problem any more.....it really is...the day to day unpleasantness you encounter in daily life is easy for me now....it's people being nice.....it's really confusing.

Jump

The waters great

You can do it...become a survivor...not a victim...walk away...it gets easier and it's my experience if you take one step towards help or God, or recovery or whatever, it takes two steps towards you, but you have to take that first step.

The New Year is coming, make today the first day of the rest of your life, If I could do it, anyone can.

queenteree

Exactly! The transformation of the A as the disease progresses is incredible! Hope, I have read your posts for two years now, and I was in the same boat as you. You have to save you. You can get him out of the house if you go to family court and get a court order. If they won't put him out, they can force treatment, and if he is drinking under the radar during treatment, you can let his counselors know. There are options! You just need to be strong and protect YOU (never mind "helping him").

I am in therapy, along w/Alanon, and like I said to my therapist last week (my AH is in an inpatient rehab right now, due to get out this Friday), AH is my DOC, and I need to say "no more" to it, before I fall into that hole and am unable to climb out. There can't be anymore chances. It's kinda like when an A tries all different ways to "moderate" their drinking. It's impossible, and the only way is for them to never drink again. Same here - the only way is to say "no more" and move on!

Tally

The damage is repairable though. You may have missed things and experiences and given up stuff but all that "stuff" is there for the taking.
Focus on finding yourself a place and not on getting him to "see", put your attention where is belongs, with yourself. *hugs*

Pajarito

(((hope))) Is there a friend you can stay with? A family member? A DV hotline? I am thinking of you and hoping you get out of there asap. Your AH sounds dangerous, and I am sure the atmosphere in your house is sucking the life out of you. Please don't let him take you down with him. Take care of yourself. Getting yourself away from him could give you the peace you need to start to find some clarity.

hopeangel

this morning i had a panic attack trying to go to work. it all got too much for me being new years and all. the roads were also bad and things weren't going the way i wanted. so, i drove home crying and hands shaking. i was just completely freaked out not knowing what to do kinda paralyzed by it all.

AH was there and could see i was shook up. he asked what was wrong. acted all caring. i just told him what was wrong. that this sucked. that i loved him and wished things were different, but there not. he asked if i would feel better if he stayed with me tonight, BUT then proceeded to ask if we could have sex. hello, obviously just trying to manipulate me again. i just responded with "you think it is just that easy". i don't trust him. i barely trust myself at this point.

and then i proceeded to get in my car and drive to work even though i had already called off because if i sat in that house one more moment today i would have gone crazy.

Latee, you right, what i'm doing now is not easy and cannot be easier than the alternative. it has cost me a lot and i really don't want it costing me anymore. here's to my own bottom coming soon. i hope it does too.

anvil - very good point on abandonment.

chry and ago - great quotes on the whole "jumping" thing. it's so funny i've encouraged others to jump and promised i would be their net when i really need to do it myself.

and ago - i too have a really hard time accepting people being nice to me, this is something i'm working a lot on with my counselor. i always believe the worse and believe that someone is going to reject me, abandon me, that i cannot trust them, when it is not true and they have given me no reason to believe that, YET, i insist this is the case and turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

i so want to be a survivor. i'm a fighter i should be a survivor also.

queen, yeah, codependacy, and triggers. we really have the same sickness as the addict, truly, and the only way to be healthy it to eliminate it completely from our lives.

missus, thanks again for the hope - i really hope you are right and the damage is repairable. a BIG part of what holds me back is fear of making a MISTAKE - what if it is a mistake to move? what if AH gets better? what if i end up alone? this is another big thing i am working on with my counselor, that it is okay to make a mistake and very little that is truly needed and important in life is not repairable. so what if you make a mistake -you learn from it and correct it best as possible.

paj, i told a friend i might come over tonight, but, i really just feel like being alone (don't know if that will be possible with AH home). lighting a candle and reflecting on the year.

thank you all so very much. it is so good to come someplace were people truly understand what you are going through.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pajarito

I know I usually would rather be alone too- but I think for me it comes from an unhealthy place. I tend to not want to impose. I feel "they just wouldn't understand." I'd rather hide out and lick my wounds in peace rather than expose my brokenness with someone else. . . Sometimes being with someone who will listen or just be there when I am sad/angry/hurt helps more than I had realized, and the more I reach out to people, the more support I get. I also feel more healthy- I'm real- brokenness and all.

I'm just saying. . . If you truly feel like being alone, though by all means do that. I hope you have a good night tonight. ((()))

LaTeeDa

What if it is a mistake to stay? What if he gets violent? What if you end up dead?

Something to think about.

L

hopeangel

anvil, all i can really say is WOW. that is really powerful stuff you wrote.

WOW, i really got to reflect a lot on what you have said. THANK YOU!!!

some things just leave you speechless.

LaTeeDa

Our Anvilhead is pretty smart, isn't she? I had the same reaction when I read the following by Robert Burney, which makes some of the same points:

L

TakingCharge999

Hopeangel!! I feel for you... I empathize a lot with you.

Wow, it is good to hear I am not the only one who felt in an episode of the Twilight Zone. I"n fact many of our stories could be used as horror movies don't you think! they have all the elements

About loneliness, my two cents: one thing is to go about your life alone and solving your problems by yourself, doing stuff by yourself.. and a completely different story is feeling lonely and afraid when you are with your "loved one".

While reading your posts I remembered my own feelings of loneliness, the first time we got drunk and he started abusing verbally.. out of the blue. The first time he turned into this monster. Wow I was in shock and just started to cry and cry and something was lost in that moment, my trust in him. And that is just like 0.0000001% of all what you have gone through!! so I can just imagine your hurt

But you have to reconsider what loneliness means for you, to me the scarring, wrenching feelings of LONELINESS have been the moments I thought I was protected and loved by the man of my dreams and realizing he is an active alcoholic capable of hurting me so much and turning into this completely different person in a matter of weeks. That my friend IS loneliness! And the worst loneliness I have lived so far.

The one thing you are afraid of is the one you have already survived for so much time.

So in my opinion the very worst has already happened, and you realize it as well, it cannot go much worse than this so pleasee consider that even if you were alone in the Sahara...YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF AND THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER NEED and you've got God by your side if you believe. You are never alone, he is your instincts, he is your gut feeling telling you that is no longer a place for you, this man is no longer good for you... you've got all you need to move forward, I know it is very scary and that it is very difficult to accept the realities of you and your relation and the man you love... but you deserve peace in this life, it is very short, and you are very close to it!! it does not seem like it will get better but it will. you are already expressing your intent. Focus!!
You are almost out of it, you can do it hopeangel.

I am thinking of you.

Seren

I'm so sad to hear about your situation, hopeangel....my BF and I are going through similar fears with his AS right now. He went from being an alcoholic who nearly died over the summer to being a crack addict who is verbally abusive and is now making threats against his father and his brother....the AS still lives at home, and my BF is working to get his butt out the door. Maybe if he goes and lives in a dumpster for a while he will learn that he needs help. Oy!

hopeangel

"Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path. --Robert Burney " - another WOW - we all have our own reality don't we? and one persons reality is not another one's is it?

dreamer - your post has reduced me to tears. thank you - it's kinda like letting go of the child inside of you and saying "it's okay now, i can make it on my own now" the things i needed to hold onto before i no longer need.

k - crying break now.

love ya guys!!!