venting - wanting to scream-hope i'm allowed
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 63
I understand how you feel. I am in recovery myself but my partner continues to drink. I have screamed at him until I see spots and my throat hurts (I am not kidding) and it only makes me regretful and embarrassed.
I have called on his friends and family to "speak to him"...but they usually did not want to get involved, were in denial or pointed the finger at me and called me a troublemaker or said I was lying or needed meds, etc. Nothing was his fault. THat is not what you need when dealing with this. You can feel very alone after reaching out to someone (his people) and having them question your motive, honesty and even your sanity. Ouch!
A support group with people in the same boat will restore your sanity (and hopefully mine too) I think we want to scream because we just arent being heard.
I totally feel your pain. Better days are ahead..it's a new year.
I have called on his friends and family to "speak to him"...but they usually did not want to get involved, were in denial or pointed the finger at me and called me a troublemaker or said I was lying or needed meds, etc. Nothing was his fault. THat is not what you need when dealing with this. You can feel very alone after reaching out to someone (his people) and having them question your motive, honesty and even your sanity. Ouch!
A support group with people in the same boat will restore your sanity (and hopefully mine too) I think we want to scream because we just arent being heard.
I totally feel your pain. Better days are ahead..it's a new year.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hey choosetobehappy
i like your username by the way.
yeah, that is a very big problem when there is absolutely no support system for you or the A on their side of family and friends.
it is something that i never considered when i got married and definitely something everyone should. i never really understand how important it would be to have that support from his in-laws and his family and friends. i won't make that mistake again. having a good relationship with them is crucial.
i watched an episode of intervention the other day and it really spoke to me because it was the same situation, the difference was that the wife had the support of his family and friends. in the intervention they outright told him "we support her". i don't have that at all.
i feel so bad for AH that he doesn't have the support of his family and friends. he was two months sober-very proud of it- and really fighting to stay sober-his dad knew this and asked him to quote "take a drink." AH hasn't been sober since... it is then i realized how very desperate they really were for him to remain sick for their own benifit....how very sad.
yeah, that is a very big problem when there is absolutely no support system for you or the A on their side of family and friends.
it is something that i never considered when i got married and definitely something everyone should. i never really understand how important it would be to have that support from his in-laws and his family and friends. i won't make that mistake again. having a good relationship with them is crucial.
i watched an episode of intervention the other day and it really spoke to me because it was the same situation, the difference was that the wife had the support of his family and friends. in the intervention they outright told him "we support her". i don't have that at all.
i feel so bad for AH that he doesn't have the support of his family and friends. he was two months sober-very proud of it- and really fighting to stay sober-his dad knew this and asked him to quote "take a drink." AH hasn't been sober since... it is then i realized how very desperate they really were for him to remain sick for their own benifit....how very sad.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
things like dad offering a drink can be very disheartening, i agree. but things like having sympathy kept me locked and frozen in the relationship.
i had to stop worrying about his welfare. he was able to choose what he wanted, and the end result was always the same. so i was spending precious resources of mine worrying myself silly about my poor husband and his pathetic lot in life.
when i started thinking entirely about myself, it felt unnatural, selfish, and cold to my husband. it was the only thing, though, that broke my own cycle of defeat.
i had to stop worrying about his welfare. he was able to choose what he wanted, and the end result was always the same. so i was spending precious resources of mine worrying myself silly about my poor husband and his pathetic lot in life.
when i started thinking entirely about myself, it felt unnatural, selfish, and cold to my husband. it was the only thing, though, that broke my own cycle of defeat.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
From embraced: but things like having sympathy kept me locked and frozen in the relationship.
i had to stop worrying about his welfare. he was able to choose what he wanted, and the end result was always the same. so i was spending precious resources of mine worrying myself silly about my poor husband and his pathetic lot in life.
when i started thinking entirely about myself, it felt unnatural, selfish, and cold to my husband. it was the only thing, though, that broke my own cycle of defeat.
On. The. Nose.
I couldn't agree more and hopeangel I am seeing this great theme emerging in this thread which is simply-
What about YOU? What about your dreams? Your life? Your wishes? Your mental health? YOU are worth saving - you are showing a desire for recovery - you are seeking help and answers! Keep thinking about you first for a little while.
The difficulty of putting yourself first and the discomfort you feel doing it is a measure of how sick you have allowed yourself to become....
(((((((hugs))))))) to you in the New Year! I hope you make some changes soon - and begin to spend all that great energy on someone who needs it - YOU!!!
peace-
B.
i had to stop worrying about his welfare. he was able to choose what he wanted, and the end result was always the same. so i was spending precious resources of mine worrying myself silly about my poor husband and his pathetic lot in life.
when i started thinking entirely about myself, it felt unnatural, selfish, and cold to my husband. it was the only thing, though, that broke my own cycle of defeat.
On. The. Nose.
I couldn't agree more and hopeangel I am seeing this great theme emerging in this thread which is simply-
What about YOU? What about your dreams? Your life? Your wishes? Your mental health? YOU are worth saving - you are showing a desire for recovery - you are seeking help and answers! Keep thinking about you first for a little while.
The difficulty of putting yourself first and the discomfort you feel doing it is a measure of how sick you have allowed yourself to become....
(((((((hugs))))))) to you in the New Year! I hope you make some changes soon - and begin to spend all that great energy on someone who needs it - YOU!!!
peace-
B.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi hopeangel...!
I hope the new year brings you clarity and also to everyone else in this great forum.
Aww, how very sad that his family cannot understand his vulnerability or the illness they are all playing a part of.. on the other hand, he could have answered "No thank you".
Another part of the "Living with an AH" Madness Combo is the lack of support, but this is exactly when you rise, and say "I do not need validation from anyone to follow what I know is right for ME".
That has been very difficult to me because I always seek validation from others and this time I also found myself alone, "against" him and his friends, coworkers, common friends we had in another city that knew us in love, everyone drinking and "having fun" and of course not having a clue as to how this guy is like with the people he claimed he loved most... when the party is over. So that kind of loneliness sucks as well. Damn everything is about loneliness when it comes to alcohol!!
But you and your opinion and your experience and the dream you have of yourself are what matters... I am starting to believe that is true, for real... and I feel stronger already. It is just as you say hopeangel, you are already feeling yourself as the strong woman you are, giving your hand to your inner child. You will prevail, you do not need anyone. Moreover you do not need anyone to abuse you!
You are not an alcoholic, you are truly free, you can see beyond yourself, you can change. You are truly exceptional and you are truly blessed.
Hugs!!
I hope the new year brings you clarity and also to everyone else in this great forum.
Aww, how very sad that his family cannot understand his vulnerability or the illness they are all playing a part of.. on the other hand, he could have answered "No thank you".
Another part of the "Living with an AH" Madness Combo is the lack of support, but this is exactly when you rise, and say "I do not need validation from anyone to follow what I know is right for ME".
That has been very difficult to me because I always seek validation from others and this time I also found myself alone, "against" him and his friends, coworkers, common friends we had in another city that knew us in love, everyone drinking and "having fun" and of course not having a clue as to how this guy is like with the people he claimed he loved most... when the party is over. So that kind of loneliness sucks as well. Damn everything is about loneliness when it comes to alcohol!!
But you and your opinion and your experience and the dream you have of yourself are what matters... I am starting to believe that is true, for real... and I feel stronger already. It is just as you say hopeangel, you are already feeling yourself as the strong woman you are, giving your hand to your inner child. You will prevail, you do not need anyone. Moreover you do not need anyone to abuse you!
You are not an alcoholic, you are truly free, you can see beyond yourself, you can change. You are truly exceptional and you are truly blessed.
Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Hopeangel,
Your Father In Heaven loves you. It hurts him to see you struggling and not looking out for yourself.
Love yourself, you are worth it. Hug yourself. Cry. Yell. Feel your feelings. And then take action.
As a woman who is currently divorcing AH of 19 years, I know for a fact that nothing is as hard as continuing to "live" with an alcoholic.
Honey, you've been through the hard stuff. The best is yet to come. I promise only good things will come when you are finally free from him and his disease. I know you love him, but you know there is nothing you can do to help him.
I am learning to live my life for myself, and worry only about my children and I. I do not concern myself with or try and control what others are doing/saying. It's a waste of my energy.
So...turn the focus on you and getting healthy and getting away from the abuse. I am praying for you to have peace in your heart, and to know that you are a Child of God...
Gentle loving hugs to you Hopeangel...you are going to Rock the World!!!
Shivaya
Your Father In Heaven loves you. It hurts him to see you struggling and not looking out for yourself.
Love yourself, you are worth it. Hug yourself. Cry. Yell. Feel your feelings. And then take action.
As a woman who is currently divorcing AH of 19 years, I know for a fact that nothing is as hard as continuing to "live" with an alcoholic.
Honey, you've been through the hard stuff. The best is yet to come. I promise only good things will come when you are finally free from him and his disease. I know you love him, but you know there is nothing you can do to help him.
I am learning to live my life for myself, and worry only about my children and I. I do not concern myself with or try and control what others are doing/saying. It's a waste of my energy.
So...turn the focus on you and getting healthy and getting away from the abuse. I am praying for you to have peace in your heart, and to know that you are a Child of God...
Gentle loving hugs to you Hopeangel...you are going to Rock the World!!!
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hope, it took me 4 years to come to my end. lord, it was painful. i wanted to help him so much, couldn't imagine a life without him in it, loved him so very much.
and he was so convincing when he was sorry. i truly believe he was sorry, but his disease was more powerful than anything i could imagine.
when he began hurting me more than i wanted to help him, i had to get out of it all. i was so lost. it took me many many tries to make it happen.
so i do understand where you are coming from. it's just not as easy as pie, or none of us would be here.
just keep plugging away, taking care of yourself. one day, you will know it is over. or not over. only you can determine that.
best to you
and he was so convincing when he was sorry. i truly believe he was sorry, but his disease was more powerful than anything i could imagine.
when he began hurting me more than i wanted to help him, i had to get out of it all. i was so lost. it took me many many tries to make it happen.
so i do understand where you are coming from. it's just not as easy as pie, or none of us would be here.
just keep plugging away, taking care of yourself. one day, you will know it is over. or not over. only you can determine that.
best to you
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