3 years today .. THANK YOU!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 15
3 years today .. THANK YOU!
I am very grateful for three years of being lucid to enjoy my family. I don't ever have to wonder what I missed, or what I did or didn't do. I am thankful for my girlfriend and children. I am also thankful for a place like this to share.
Thank you and have agreat new year!!
Kava Kava
Thank you and have agreat new year!!
Kava Kava
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 15
I am drinking right now .. I started again about 3 and a half years after I stopped. I just read through all of my previous posts and I feel that way again, and it resonates with me in such a way that I am right back there again.
I started drinking again .. not for me .. but for my family if that could ever possibly make sense. My girlfriend, with whom I have three children, was close to turning 30 .. and I saw she had an itch(a party itch, not a 7 year itch because of me to be clear).
I had seen it with our friends, told her about it years in advance, but nonetheless, it hit her. Out friends are older and have disposable income. (I am now 34 BTW, she just turned 31)
One of the reasons I loved our "situation" which was that we loved each other and our kids and accepted that since I was the only one working, that we had to work it out. She took my frugal-ness as wanting her to not go out and have a good time. $7 beers were that reason. $10 shots were that reason .. we didn't do that before, and we can't afford it now(I make a fine salary btw .. now close to 6 figures.)
Anyway, I am all over the place, I started drinking again because of her. Because I wanted to "save" our relationship. Her younger sister had turned 21 and she went out with her and her friends and partied .. .. I went with them on her birthday and partied .. but she's not good when drunk .. she's like me .. but she thought I was just being an ass-hol e to her when I was worried about her being drunk without me.
VERY LONG story short .. .. .. as it turns out .. she was spiteful with her thoughts thinking I wanted her to just be home doing nothing(*see income restrictions) and I am sure of it, turned to not love me anymore.
We still live together, but it was such a realization back in November 2011 that she really hated me, felt caged(since we weren't married), and in being completely truthful, hasn't had sober sex with me for many years(meaning her being the one that wasn't sober). I would keep asking her if she loved me and was in love with me, and she would say YES, so why would I question that, it must be something else .. right?!
So, once that came out, it was like a great weight was lifted, I wasn't confused anymore.
But here I am .. .. having drank for so many years and gained so much weight and we are still together because we can't afford not to be.
We get along .. I guess .. and when she is ********* we have sex. Technically .. it's the same as the past 8 years probably, but the difference is that I know it now!
I am using this place to vent because I need to restart. I love our children so much, and I don't want to drag them through not being together, but I need to fix myself again, and this time I have to have the conviction that I've had for non-emotional things. I must trust my gut .. .. and not let anything get in the way.
I hate that I can't fix us. I hate that she doesn't love me .. let alone like me. My personality can't hide this in public. I hate that I can't afford to not be together with her now because I don't want to waste my life anymore.
I play the lottery way more than I should now .. just in case I can escape. In the meantime I keep to myself and love my children and hang with them and have fun .. and she just reads books all day. I still want her to love me .. or pretend to .. but I guess that's what we all do .. wish for the unattainable .. that's why we keep going back to the shi-t-ee false reality of alcohol .. or whatever.
I need to be held accountable for my actions .. if only by a stranger on the internet .. in order to move forward.
It was really hard for me to write this failure story after having accomplished so much before .. .. but I just wanted to be someone who the mother of my children could love at the stage she was at. Maybe she'll turn around as I have .. in time.
Day 1 starts tomorrow for me .. and already I am thinking about reasons to keep f-ing myself up. I am ashamed of myself right now .. you have no idea how much.
I started drinking again .. not for me .. but for my family if that could ever possibly make sense. My girlfriend, with whom I have three children, was close to turning 30 .. and I saw she had an itch(a party itch, not a 7 year itch because of me to be clear).
I had seen it with our friends, told her about it years in advance, but nonetheless, it hit her. Out friends are older and have disposable income. (I am now 34 BTW, she just turned 31)
One of the reasons I loved our "situation" which was that we loved each other and our kids and accepted that since I was the only one working, that we had to work it out. She took my frugal-ness as wanting her to not go out and have a good time. $7 beers were that reason. $10 shots were that reason .. we didn't do that before, and we can't afford it now(I make a fine salary btw .. now close to 6 figures.)
Anyway, I am all over the place, I started drinking again because of her. Because I wanted to "save" our relationship. Her younger sister had turned 21 and she went out with her and her friends and partied .. .. I went with them on her birthday and partied .. but she's not good when drunk .. she's like me .. but she thought I was just being an ass-hol e to her when I was worried about her being drunk without me.
VERY LONG story short .. .. .. as it turns out .. she was spiteful with her thoughts thinking I wanted her to just be home doing nothing(*see income restrictions) and I am sure of it, turned to not love me anymore.
We still live together, but it was such a realization back in November 2011 that she really hated me, felt caged(since we weren't married), and in being completely truthful, hasn't had sober sex with me for many years(meaning her being the one that wasn't sober). I would keep asking her if she loved me and was in love with me, and she would say YES, so why would I question that, it must be something else .. right?!
So, once that came out, it was like a great weight was lifted, I wasn't confused anymore.
But here I am .. .. having drank for so many years and gained so much weight and we are still together because we can't afford not to be.
We get along .. I guess .. and when she is ********* we have sex. Technically .. it's the same as the past 8 years probably, but the difference is that I know it now!
I am using this place to vent because I need to restart. I love our children so much, and I don't want to drag them through not being together, but I need to fix myself again, and this time I have to have the conviction that I've had for non-emotional things. I must trust my gut .. .. and not let anything get in the way.
I hate that I can't fix us. I hate that she doesn't love me .. let alone like me. My personality can't hide this in public. I hate that I can't afford to not be together with her now because I don't want to waste my life anymore.
I play the lottery way more than I should now .. just in case I can escape. In the meantime I keep to myself and love my children and hang with them and have fun .. and she just reads books all day. I still want her to love me .. or pretend to .. but I guess that's what we all do .. wish for the unattainable .. that's why we keep going back to the shi-t-ee false reality of alcohol .. or whatever.
I need to be held accountable for my actions .. if only by a stranger on the internet .. in order to move forward.
It was really hard for me to write this failure story after having accomplished so much before .. .. but I just wanted to be someone who the mother of my children could love at the stage she was at. Maybe she'll turn around as I have .. in time.
Day 1 starts tomorrow for me .. and already I am thinking about reasons to keep f-ing myself up. I am ashamed of myself right now .. you have no idea how much.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
I'm sorry to hear you're drinking again KK - if you want to repost this last post in Newcomers you'll get more responses that way.
Granted I don't know all the details, but I'm not sure I agree with the other people made me drink line tho - tho I used it a lot myself.
Sure sometimes it seemed easier to go with the flow - but it was still my decision to drink....
D
Granted I don't know all the details, but I'm not sure I agree with the other people made me drink line tho - tho I used it a lot myself.
Sure sometimes it seemed easier to go with the flow - but it was still my decision to drink....
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm sorry to hear you're drinking again KK - if you want to repost this last post in Newcomers you'll get more responses that way.
Granted I don't know all the details, but I'm not sure I agree with the other people made me drink line tho - tho I used it a lot myself.
Sure sometimes it seemed easier to go with the flow - but it was still my decision to drink....
D
Granted I don't know all the details, but I'm not sure I agree with the other people made me drink line tho - tho I used it a lot myself.
Sure sometimes it seemed easier to go with the flow - but it was still my decision to drink....
D
my family is the most important thing to me, including my girlfriend(my kids mother). I know that there are things that happen at middle age just as there are things that happen to alcoholics .. .. and I was trying to roll with those and not lose her.
I am still trying, but I realized as I stated I found out this past November, that she hasn't loved/liked me for some time and has been confusing me by trying to get past it by lying(I think hoping that something would change) but it didn't .. and therefore she still doesn't like/love me.
That cleared the playing field for a while .. mostly in my mind that is (although addicts have that small sense of crazy hope), and as I said, felt like a weight had been lifted.
I didn't care who she talked to .. didn't care where she went or what she did .. because I knew for the first time ever .. it wasn't ME!
If she wasn't with me, and didn't care about me .. who cared what happened .. as long as it didn't impact our kids.
That being said .. I drank .. decided to drink .. and it was a dummy move. I am now 35 pounds heavier for it .. need to straighten up and needed to admit how I truly feel to anybody .. even if anonymous people .. because I feel just as bad. I was/can be very social .. but I have lost an appetite for people, but this world is full of them, I work with them, and I need to be able to fake it .. but I refuse to do that with people in my personal life, and with that .. is why I have come back to this great place to admit my flaws as a human and to take away strength in all of the posts on here that I have read through as well as those who have taken the time to read my nonsense and comment with great advice .. .. thanks again and I hope I have enough in me now to make it stick .. thanks!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 15
I hope so much to be able to come back here very soon and have some good news to offer. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and comment on it .. and while your quote is inspiring "Between the failure and the masterpiece, the distance is one millimeter. Paul Gaugin" I recently found one that is not so eloquent, but is more up my sense of humour alley that you may appreciate .. or not from my friend .. Insanity Wolf 
.
"Shi-t happens to you? .. .. .. Make you happen to sh-it!"
This is my wallpaper and I am hoping by the 4th of July I will be sober and 20 pounds lighter, but then again .. us addicts strive for the limits don't we?!
Thanks again for your comments .. they mean everything to me .. .. just your one response to me showed that there is someone watching .. and for me, for some reason, I need someone watching my failures/struggles .. I will overcome. Thank you for that!
"
. "Shi-t happens to you? .. .. .. Make you happen to sh-it!"
This is my wallpaper and I am hoping by the 4th of July I will be sober and 20 pounds lighter, but then again .. us addicts strive for the limits don't we?!
Thanks again for your comments .. they mean everything to me .. .. just your one response to me showed that there is someone watching .. and for me, for some reason, I need someone watching my failures/struggles .. I will overcome. Thank you for that!
"
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
KavaKava, I'm glad you knew where to turn once you realized you have a problem again.
Outside of SR, do you have any other plans to keep yourself from drinking?
What worked? What didn't?
You are in my thoughts tonight.
Outside of SR, do you have any other plans to keep yourself from drinking?
What worked? What didn't?
You are in my thoughts tonight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
kk, welcome back
i was in a similar situation with a women, one that was a SR member, she picked up, and sad to say didn't make it.
what i got out of that was growth, and i didn't pick up thanks to my foundation, support network, and my recovery program.
sober up again, and try to use the fall back as a touchstone to growth.
all good wishes kk
zip
i was in a similar situation with a women, one that was a SR member, she picked up, and sad to say didn't make it.
what i got out of that was growth, and i didn't pick up thanks to my foundation, support network, and my recovery program.
sober up again, and try to use the fall back as a touchstone to growth.
all good wishes kk
zip
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 15
I think what I was really scared of happening is what I got .. I found out that my girlfriend wasn't in love with me and all this was for nothing this whole time.
I was good with not drinking .. for myself, I really was. I think who I became by not drinking (anti-social, misanthropic, a big kid that just liked what he liked - video games, TV, etc.) combined with her hitting some kind of psycho switch at 30 where she wanted to go out and party, all the while not loving me, made me paranoid and conflicted that she was cheating or something .. only because she would only have sex with me when she was drunk.
Anyway, as I said, as soon as it became clear that she didn't love me anymore, it was a relief .. it made me see that I shouldn't do this to myself for anyone .. but it's so hard to let go .. .. .. of her and of drinking because I think there is still some chance that we can be good .. .. but I know there isn't.
That being said, I have will power enough to push through those delusions and do what's right which for me is to not drink and get in shape again and let the chips fall where they may, because it will be better than this, for myself and for our kids.
Thank you so much and I'm glad to be in a spot where I can actually say these things out loud as opposed to being ashamed of it .. which I am still even as I type this.
I was good with not drinking .. for myself, I really was. I think who I became by not drinking (anti-social, misanthropic, a big kid that just liked what he liked - video games, TV, etc.) combined with her hitting some kind of psycho switch at 30 where she wanted to go out and party, all the while not loving me, made me paranoid and conflicted that she was cheating or something .. only because she would only have sex with me when she was drunk.
Anyway, as I said, as soon as it became clear that she didn't love me anymore, it was a relief .. it made me see that I shouldn't do this to myself for anyone .. but it's so hard to let go .. .. .. of her and of drinking because I think there is still some chance that we can be good .. .. but I know there isn't.
That being said, I have will power enough to push through those delusions and do what's right which for me is to not drink and get in shape again and let the chips fall where they may, because it will be better than this, for myself and for our kids.
Thank you so much and I'm glad to be in a spot where I can actually say these things out loud as opposed to being ashamed of it .. which I am still even as I type this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 15
Thanks Zip .. I feel so weak coming back here with a sob story, but I've come to terms that I am weak in some areas and need help .. and this place was great for me back then when I was doing great and it is great for me now when things suck real bad .. and I am thankful for people like you! I am very low right now, but in a weird way I feel great because I know it's only going to get better for me .. but I can't lie .. I am crying and I can't wait until a few days pass and this gets out of me for good. Wow am I an emotional mess right now
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
When I was dealing with loved ones drinking...
I found the Alanon program quite useful...
When I was dealing with my own active alcoholism
I found the AA program quite useful...
Blessings to the 5 of you...Welcome back to SR...
I found the Alanon program quite useful...
When I was dealing with my own active alcoholism
I found the AA program quite useful...
Blessings to the 5 of you...Welcome back to SR...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
