I think what I was really scared of happening is what I got .. I found out that my girlfriend wasn't in love with me and all this was for nothing this whole time.
I was good with not drinking .. for myself, I really was. I think who I became by not drinking (anti-social, misanthropic, a big kid that just liked what he liked - video games, TV, etc.) combined with her hitting some kind of psycho switch at 30 where she wanted to go out and party, all the while not loving me, made me paranoid and conflicted that she was cheating or something .. only because she would only have sex with me when she was drunk.
Anyway, as I said, as soon as it became clear that she didn't love me anymore, it was a relief .. it made me see that I shouldn't do this to myself for anyone .. but it's so hard to let go .. .. .. of her and of drinking because I think there is still some chance that we can be good .. .. but I know there isn't.
That being said, I have will power enough to push through those delusions and do what's right which for me is to not drink and get in shape again and let the chips fall where they may, because it will be better than this, for myself and for our kids.
Thank you so much and I'm glad to be in a spot where I can actually say these things out loud as opposed to being ashamed of it .. which I am still even as I type this.