KavaKava

Hi, and thanks! I don't deny it was me that decided to drink again .. I certainly did .. but I was in over my head thinking I could only drink socially as we all have figured out. This was my first venture into that delusion .. so I realized that.

my family is the most important thing to me, including my girlfriend(my kids mother). I know that there are things that happen at middle age just as there are things that happen to alcoholics .. .. and I was trying to roll with those and not lose her.

I am still trying, but I realized as I stated I found out this past November, that she hasn't loved/liked me for some time and has been confusing me by trying to get past it by lying(I think hoping that something would change) but it didn't .. and therefore she still doesn't like/love me.

That cleared the playing field for a while .. mostly in my mind that is (although addicts have that small sense of crazy hope), and as I said, felt like a weight had been lifted.

I didn't care who she talked to .. didn't care where she went or what she did .. because I knew for the first time ever .. it wasn't ME!

If she wasn't with me, and didn't care about me .. who cared what happened .. as long as it didn't impact our kids.

That being said .. I drank .. decided to drink .. and it was a dummy move. I am now 35 pounds heavier for it .. need to straighten up and needed to admit how I truly feel to anybody .. even if anonymous people .. because I feel just as bad. I was/can be very social .. but I have lost an appetite for people, but this world is full of them, I work with them, and I need to be able to fake it .. but I refuse to do that with people in my personal life, and with that .. is why I have come back to this great place to admit my flaws as a human and to take away strength in all of the posts on here that I have read through as well as those who have taken the time to read my nonsense and comment with great advice .. .. thanks again and I hope I have enough in me now to make it stick .. thanks!