Is it too late to save the marriage? (new here)
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Is it too late to save the marriage? (new here)
I've lurked on this site a few times but I've never posted. This seems like a good place to throw out a dilemma I'm having. (this may be long. sorry)
Married 7+ years with two young kids. H has been sober since Aug this year. In a nutshell, his last drinking episode was the last straw for me. My boundaries were VERY clear. He crossed the line, and I said "that's it, we are separating".
H says "I will stop drinking, forever".
I really wanted to separate, but this is not financially possible. It's a long story...... I'm in graduate school and have two preschoolers. H cannot afford to support two households - especially with the economy in the dump.
Here's my dilemma:
H says he is committed to "doing whatever it takes" to salvage the marriage". He is seeing a counselor (although she is not trained in addictions work) and he did some reading about A. He is trying to give me physical and emotional space. We have two young kids we both adore.
Problem is: after his last episode I completely checked-out of the relationship. My boundary was crossed and that was it. Even though I recognize all his good qualities, I cannot imagine ever being "in love" with him again. Is this because my trust in him is gone?
How do people reconcile after years of unhealthy enmeshment, finger pointing, anger, and resentment?
Oh, and I tried an Al-Anon group here. It was bad.
Any thoughts? Thanks for reading.
Married 7+ years with two young kids. H has been sober since Aug this year. In a nutshell, his last drinking episode was the last straw for me. My boundaries were VERY clear. He crossed the line, and I said "that's it, we are separating".
H says "I will stop drinking, forever".
I really wanted to separate, but this is not financially possible. It's a long story...... I'm in graduate school and have two preschoolers. H cannot afford to support two households - especially with the economy in the dump.
Here's my dilemma:
H says he is committed to "doing whatever it takes" to salvage the marriage". He is seeing a counselor (although she is not trained in addictions work) and he did some reading about A. He is trying to give me physical and emotional space. We have two young kids we both adore.
Problem is: after his last episode I completely checked-out of the relationship. My boundary was crossed and that was it. Even though I recognize all his good qualities, I cannot imagine ever being "in love" with him again. Is this because my trust in him is gone?
How do people reconcile after years of unhealthy enmeshment, finger pointing, anger, and resentment?
Oh, and I tried an Al-Anon group here. It was bad.
Any thoughts? Thanks for reading.
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Originally Posted by denny57 
Welcome, Robinsfly, glad you're here!
Is there another meeting to try? Have you considered individual therapy for you?
Keep posting - lots of great support here!
Is there another meeting to try? Have you considered individual therapy for you?
Keep posting - lots of great support here!
I suppose I should try another meeting, but I was so turned-off by the last one. The group was cold and not supportive. It was also very scripted.
I started individ therapy but the counselor moved, and I've been trying to find another therapist. It's surprisingly hard!
Not a day goes by that I don't fret over the possibility of my marriage being over. I come from an unhealthy family, so I cannot believe I might be headed for divorce. Makes me really sad.
Thanks for the welcome Denny
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I know what you mean. I made the rounds looking for meetings that fit with me. One I went to was a rap meeting - I'm not kidding everyone was rapping the slogans, etc. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!
It is hard to find a good therapist - I'm very lucky in mine - but I hear lots of frustrating stories.
I was sad facing divorce, too.
((( )))
It is hard to find a good therapist - I'm very lucky in mine - but I hear lots of frustrating stories.
I was sad facing divorce, too.
((( )))
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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It is hard to find a good meeting sometimes! We no longer have Alanon here, but many many years ago when I did attend, the group was pretty much run by a very strong-willed woman, and the meetings had nothing to do with recovery for ourselves. It was disappointing to say the least.
I can't tell you if the marriage is salvageable or not. For me, I had to walk away from the EXAH because he was violent and psychotic.
Please keep posting and know you are among friends! :ghug :ghug
I can't tell you if the marriage is salvageable or not. For me, I had to walk away from the EXAH because he was violent and psychotic.
Please keep posting and know you are among friends! :ghug :ghug
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Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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That is a dilemma
I was "him" at one point in time, and we tried for the next 5-6 years to make it work, but the truth is I had done too much stuff to "wreck" the relationship when I was still drinking, there were things I had done she couldn't "let go of"
In Later years I explored Couples Counseling and quite frankly it "saved" a relationship I was in from failing, although at that point the relationship was still "young" (one year or so)
I believe there is a "line" we cross that we can't come back from, but we don't know what that line is for you, only you know.
Would you consider Couples Counseling so you can get an answer you are comfortable with? Not to save the relationship, but to explore how you feel so whatever decision you make will be the "right one" for you, and that going forward you won't have regrets and indecision for whatever decision you make.
I was "him" at one point in time, and we tried for the next 5-6 years to make it work, but the truth is I had done too much stuff to "wreck" the relationship when I was still drinking, there were things I had done she couldn't "let go of"
In Later years I explored Couples Counseling and quite frankly it "saved" a relationship I was in from failing, although at that point the relationship was still "young" (one year or so)
I believe there is a "line" we cross that we can't come back from, but we don't know what that line is for you, only you know.
Would you consider Couples Counseling so you can get an answer you are comfortable with? Not to save the relationship, but to explore how you feel so whatever decision you make will be the "right one" for you, and that going forward you won't have regrets and indecision for whatever decision you make.
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Originally Posted by denny57
I know what you mean. I made the rounds looking for meetings that fit with me. One I went to was a rap meeting - I'm not kidding everyone was rapping the slogans, etc. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!
It is hard to find a good therapist - I'm very lucky in mine - but I hear lots of frustrating stories.
I was sad facing divorce, too.
((( )))
It is hard to find a good therapist - I'm very lucky in mine - but I hear lots of frustrating stories.
I was sad facing divorce, too.
((( )))
Let's hope I can find a meeting that's a better fit.
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
It is hard to find a good meeting sometimes! We no longer have Alanon here, but many many years ago when I did attend, the group was pretty much run by a very strong-willed woman, and the meetings had nothing to do with recovery for ourselves. It was disappointing to say the least.
I can't tell you if the marriage is salvageable or not. For me, I had to walk away from the EXAH because he was violent and psychotic.
Please keep posting and know you are among friends! :ghug :ghug
I can't tell you if the marriage is salvageable or not. For me, I had to walk away from the EXAH because he was violent and psychotic.
Please keep posting and know you are among friends! :ghug :ghug
I'm sorry to hear your ex was violent. In some ways, I wish my H was more of a jerk. It would make my decision easier (in a weird way). He is hard-working, a good dad, and very supportive of my grad school. I believe he wants to change.
This state of uncertainty is so hard. I want some kind of easy answer.
Thanks for the welcome.
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Originally Posted by Ago
That is a dilemma
I was "him" at one point in time, and we tried for the next 5-6 years to make it work, but the truth is I had done too much stuff to "wreck" the relationship when I was still drinking, there were things I had done she couldn't "let go of"
In Later years I explored Couples Counseling and quite frankly it "saved" a relationship I was in from failing, although at that point the relationship was still "young" (one year or so)
I believe there is a "line" we cross that we can't come back from, but we don't know what that line is for you, only you know.
Would you consider Couples Counseling so you can get an answer you are comfortable with? Not to save the relationship, but to explore how you feel so whatever decision you make will be the "right one" for you, and that going forward you won't have regrets and indecision for whatever decision you make.
I was "him" at one point in time, and we tried for the next 5-6 years to make it work, but the truth is I had done too much stuff to "wreck" the relationship when I was still drinking, there were things I had done she couldn't "let go of"
In Later years I explored Couples Counseling and quite frankly it "saved" a relationship I was in from failing, although at that point the relationship was still "young" (one year or so)
I believe there is a "line" we cross that we can't come back from, but we don't know what that line is for you, only you know.
Would you consider Couples Counseling so you can get an answer you are comfortable with? Not to save the relationship, but to explore how you feel so whatever decision you make will be the "right one" for you, and that going forward you won't have regrets and indecision for whatever decision you make.
There are so many incidents in the past that, looking back, I cannot believe I stayed around. I'm almost ashamed that I put up with certain behaviors (hiding beer and getting drunk while watching 9 month old twins). Now I know better - but I can't let go of the past. I think, who is this person I married?
Yes, I will consider couples counseling after I have more individual counseling. At this point, I cannot decide if this marriage is worth the effort. We feel like strangers.
As you say, perhaps that boundary crossing is permanent. I'm so sad about it. I don't WANT to get divorced. Well, who does?
(Marin Co? I used to live there)
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Originally Posted by RobinsFly
In some ways, I wish my H was more of a jerk.
One thing that was brought up recently was what would happen if my AH were to be drinking and driving and get in a wreck where someone was seriously injured or killed. Even if he were not at fault, we could be sued, and I could lose my house, our retirement, everything because he was driving under the influence. So there are many things to consider, especially when you have little ones whose future is dependant on you to keep them safe.
Welcome to this wonderful place!!
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Just to clarify, I don't blame her for leaving me although I did at the time, it took some years for me to "get over it", she did what she needed to do to take care of herself and I honor that decision now.
We all "cross that invisible line" at some point, I think, we make a line in the sand and say to ourselves "This I will never do, this I will never endure" whether it be for my drinking, or my allowing someone in my life to "abuse" me, then we cross that line, draw a new one, cross that line and so on, until we reach the "end of our rope" and end up in "recovery" whether it be for alcoholism or alcoholism in a loved one.
The first thing I always say to my sponsees is "put down the bat" the bat they are using to beat themselves up with, the past just is what it is, and quite frankly becomes a benefit to me and to others as a "recovery tool"
Be Gentle to yourself and forgive yourself is a mainstay of recovering in my opinion.
(I just moved "back home" a few months ago from Mendocino County)
We all "cross that invisible line" at some point, I think, we make a line in the sand and say to ourselves "This I will never do, this I will never endure" whether it be for my drinking, or my allowing someone in my life to "abuse" me, then we cross that line, draw a new one, cross that line and so on, until we reach the "end of our rope" and end up in "recovery" whether it be for alcoholism or alcoholism in a loved one.
The first thing I always say to my sponsees is "put down the bat" the bat they are using to beat themselves up with, the past just is what it is, and quite frankly becomes a benefit to me and to others as a "recovery tool"
Be Gentle to yourself and forgive yourself is a mainstay of recovering in my opinion.
(I just moved "back home" a few months ago from Mendocino County)
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It does sound as though you are really shut down emotionally towards your husband for whatever reasons, as you said, in response to something that was done during your husbands' last drunk.
this observation is not a judgement on you, by the way.
shutting oneself down emotionally may be a healthy response to an unsafe or unhealthy behaiour pattern, or, it might just be a defense that has overstayed its need.
Whatever occurred originally, defending against it, remaining emotionally guarded against it is sapping your energy, especially hard to do while living in a marriage and raising children and going to school.
I support you in exploring your own interior dimensions in this process, and taking all the focus off of him and onto yourself. Find out what was wounded in you, how to nurture your heart back to vitality, and you will then know without a doubt how to carry on.
this process may involve a proffessional or it may not. It doesn't always need to be a structured process, but it might really help to open yourself up to some sort of feedback loop, for perspective.
Being here at SR is really helpful.
Having clear-eyed friends and family (though clear-eyed family members are foreign to me, they may not be for you!) are a godsend.
Books are great, too.
Taking time for yourself so you can hear yourself think, is very important.
Letting go of the structure as it is just now and trusting that whatever changes happen, you will be okay.
That means that, if you need to live separately for awhile to sort things out, it does not have to mean you are in a failed marriage or that you will divorce. And that, if you find you do need to separate temporarily, and finances are an issue, there is always a solution, one that you just have not been shown yet.
this observation is not a judgement on you, by the way.
shutting oneself down emotionally may be a healthy response to an unsafe or unhealthy behaiour pattern, or, it might just be a defense that has overstayed its need.
Whatever occurred originally, defending against it, remaining emotionally guarded against it is sapping your energy, especially hard to do while living in a marriage and raising children and going to school.
I support you in exploring your own interior dimensions in this process, and taking all the focus off of him and onto yourself. Find out what was wounded in you, how to nurture your heart back to vitality, and you will then know without a doubt how to carry on.
this process may involve a proffessional or it may not. It doesn't always need to be a structured process, but it might really help to open yourself up to some sort of feedback loop, for perspective.
Being here at SR is really helpful.
Having clear-eyed friends and family (though clear-eyed family members are foreign to me, they may not be for you!) are a godsend.
Books are great, too.
Taking time for yourself so you can hear yourself think, is very important.
Letting go of the structure as it is just now and trusting that whatever changes happen, you will be okay.
That means that, if you need to live separately for awhile to sort things out, it does not have to mean you are in a failed marriage or that you will divorce. And that, if you find you do need to separate temporarily, and finances are an issue, there is always a solution, one that you just have not been shown yet.
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Originally Posted by Ago
The first thing I always say to my sponsees is "put down the bat" the bat they are using to beat themselves up with, the past just is what it is, and quite frankly becomes a benefit to me and to others as a "recovery tool"
I'm holding a bat for all the past drinking episodes, and now he is holding the bat out of anger that I am considering ending the marriage.
We need to move forward.
Being easy on myself is difficult. Especially because I was aware of a drinking "problem" before we had kids (didn't know anything about alcoholism). What I wanted most to avoid could very well happen. Our family will split up.
And H makes me feel like breaking-up would be MY fault. Regardless of where we end up, this is why couples counseling is needed.
Thanks for the supportive words Ago.
(I do miss Mt Tam)
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Originally Posted by miss communicat
shutting oneself down emotionally may be a healthy response to an unsafe or unhealthy behaiour pattern, or, it might just be a defense that has overstayed its need.
Whatever occurred originally, defending against it, remaining emotionally guarded against it is sapping your energy, especially hard to do while living in a marriage and raising children and going to school.
Whatever occurred originally, defending against it, remaining emotionally guarded against it is sapping your energy, especially hard to do while living in a marriage and raising children and going to school.
I wonder if I have some uber defense mechanisms. I have several FOO issues that most likely contribute to this. It's hard to peel apart FOO stuff with issues surround my AH.
I feel the need to explain some of the past events:
-As mentioned, on one occasion he got drunk while caring for our 9 month old twins when I was out shopping.
-He was too hung-over to take me to my doctor's appt following an emergency surgery (I wasn't supposed to drive)
-Months before we met, he got a DUI
-He would pass out drunk at parties
-He drank alcohol 5-7 nights a week. When beer ended, it became wine ("wine is good for you", or "it's only two glasses")
The last episode involved AH going to a pub in the middle of the afternoon to review some work documents. He got so **** faced he couldn't pick up the kids at daycare. According to him, he hit 'rock bottom' that day and vowed to never drink again.
Yes, my energy is being sapped as I continue to replay these past events. I am mostly angry at myself for not seeing the red flags much sooner.
Perhaps, as you say, I shouldn't focus on this potentially "failed marriage", but continue to seek support. I can't change my mental shut-down at this point. AH wants to hear that I'm committed to the marriage -- but I can't give him that right now.
Is that okay? I can't give him what he wants right now, and he gets angry. It's torture living with that.
Glad I finally decided to post on this board.
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Originally Posted by RobinsFly
Put down the bat. Good advice.
I'm holding a bat for all the past drinking episodes, and now he is holding the bat out of anger that I am considering ending the marriage.
We need to move forward.
I'm holding a bat for all the past drinking episodes, and now he is holding the bat out of anger that I am considering ending the marriage.
We need to move forward.
Originally Posted by RobinsFly
H makes me feel like breaking-up would be MY fault. Regardless of where we end up, this is why couples counseling is needed.
You can't change the way you feel any more then he could quit drinking, and you can't change the way you feel about his actions around drinking any more then he can change feeling angry and thinking it's "your fault" if the relationship "fails" because you leave him.
Both viewpoints are valid, because they are your "experience" I know exactly what it feels like to get sober for a relationship and then get "tossed out" but I now also have the experience of "tossing out" a newly sober alcoholic because I was "done", it didn't matter that they got sober, it was the behaviors in my case that made me "go away", both have definite drawbacks, neither scenario feels good.
Originally Posted by RobinsFly
I can't change my mental shut-down at this point. AH wants to hear that I'm committed to the marriage -- but I can't give him that right now.
Is that okay? I can't give him what he wants right now, and he gets angry. It's torture living with that.
Is that okay? I can't give him what he wants right now, and he gets angry. It's torture living with that.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Now about "what he wants": From one alcoholic to another..."too bad"!!! This is what consequences of drinking looks like. He had the information, he chose to continue drinking, now he gets to see what the "consequences" of drinking looks like. It was his drinking that caused this, nothing else. Period.
It's not up to you to "make him feel better", it's your job to take care of you, when I took the attitude he has to my sponsor in early sobriety about being angry for not being forgiven on my schedule, he turned bright red, made sputtering noises like a tea kettle, grabbed my ear, dragged me outside, then laid into me with a profanity laced diatribe in Larkspur that rattled the windows in San Rafael, some of the things he said I can repeat were things like "selfish, self centered, moron, idiot, and he might of mentioned something about hands and knees and begging forgiveness".
Of course he was referring to me, in no way am I inferring anything about your husband.
You seem to have a pretty good handle on things, now it just takes time, more will be revealed, just take of yourself in the meantime.
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Originally Posted by Ago
You can't change the way you feel any more then he could quit drinking, and you can't change the way you feel about his actions around drinking any more then he can change feeling angry and thinking it's "your fault" if the relationship "fails" because you leave him.
Now about "what he wants": From one alcoholic to another..."too bad"!!! This is what consequences of drinking looks like. He had the information, he chose to continue drinking, now he gets to see what the "consequences" of drinking looks like. It was his drinking that caused this, nothing else. Period.
It's not up to you to "make him feel better", it's your job to take care of you, when I took the attitude he has to my sponsor in early sobriety about being angry for not being forgiven on my schedule, he turned bright red, made sputtering noises like a tea kettle, grabbed my ear, dragged me outside, then laid into me with a profanity laced diatribe in Larkspur that rattled the windows in San Rafael, some of the things he said I can repeat were things like "selfish, self centered, moron, idiot, and he might of mentioned something about hands and knees and begging forgiveness".
You're right, I cannot change how I feel right now. That's where I need to simmer down. I WANT to wave a magic wand and feel compassion and love for him -- but I don't now and don't know if I ever will. Time will tell?
Perhaps too much damage has been done.
I certainly wish AH had a straight-talking sponsor as you did. AH did not like AA and I doubt he'll go back. We are both agnostic, so the religious bent is hard to get past.
He read Rational Recovery, is seeing a counselor, and is learning new coping mechanisms (playing music, communicating more, etc).
I hope, with time, I'll have a clearer sense of our future together (or separated)
(Larkspur: King of the Roll....mmmmmm)
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RobinsFly, I am in a very similar situation. When I met my AH husband 22 years ago - I had ONE thing I can't tolerate - cocaine. It it the line he has crossed in recent times. Though he is crying/begging/pleading/saying he will tell the truth from now on, I don't know if deep in my heart I will ever believe him. In recent years - he's quit drinking a few times, went to a marriage counselor, split once for 3 weeks. I WANT to forgive, but not sure I can. It's funny because one of my favorite lines is regarding a magic wand, as well. I WISH we could be the amazing couple we were for 15 or so years, but not sure it'll ever be again. I have explained MANY times that is the problem with lies, it destroys the foundation of a relationship. When he went through his various crap, I kept warning him, that one day there may be no turning back. I know I can't talk common sense to an alcholic that sneaks drugs, but I don't want to feel guilty if/when I run from the marriage. It's never easy to leave, that's why many people stay and stay even if their gut tells them, it's over. Financially, I would be worse off, but if/when it all comes to that point - is there really a price of my sanity?
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I too reached a point in my relationship where I'd completely lost trust, passion, intimacy, and partnership, and struggled with the issue of whether to stay and gamble that it might improve (with counseling, time, etc.)
Ultimately, I set myself some benchmarks that I could evaluate as time went on. The relationship was valuable to me and I'd invested a lot in it, AND there was no ongoing abuse at that point, so I was willing to stick it out for a little while longer to see what happened at 3, 6, 9, and 12 months. We did counseling. I did individual counseling. I grew a lot in that time, and don't consider it wasted time.
Toward the end of that trial time, little behaviors started to creep back in: contacting other women by email, deleting his browser history, drinking began again, and I decided it was time for me to go.
I had a lot to give to a relationship, you know? I had integrity, self-sufficiency, sensuousness, a great sense of humor, unshakeable loyalty.......and I finally felt like I was wasting it there, and wanted to give "me" a try in a relationship where I might be able to receive the same in return.
Your actual mileage may vary
That's just what my thought process was, and it allowed me to exhaust all my options and feel "good" about moving on.
Hugs to you, robinsfly, for trying to do the right thing. I know how hard it is.
Ultimately, I set myself some benchmarks that I could evaluate as time went on. The relationship was valuable to me and I'd invested a lot in it, AND there was no ongoing abuse at that point, so I was willing to stick it out for a little while longer to see what happened at 3, 6, 9, and 12 months. We did counseling. I did individual counseling. I grew a lot in that time, and don't consider it wasted time.
Toward the end of that trial time, little behaviors started to creep back in: contacting other women by email, deleting his browser history, drinking began again, and I decided it was time for me to go.
I had a lot to give to a relationship, you know? I had integrity, self-sufficiency, sensuousness, a great sense of humor, unshakeable loyalty.......and I finally felt like I was wasting it there, and wanted to give "me" a try in a relationship where I might be able to receive the same in return.
Your actual mileage may vary
That's just what my thought process was, and it allowed me to exhaust all my options and feel "good" about moving on.Hugs to you, robinsfly, for trying to do the right thing. I know how hard it is.
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I know what you mean robinsfly, im in exactly the same position.
My boyfriend is trying so hard to get his life back, has a new job for the past month and is attempting to make it up to me slowly.
My thoughts are, has he done too much in the past for me to forgive, despite his good intentions now??
I just dont know if i feel the same about the relationship as i did 8yrs ago.
I dont live with him anymore which i suppose is putting a distance between us and makes it harder for me to get close and feel part of his life.
Im just gonna see how things go over the next month.
My boyfriend is trying so hard to get his life back, has a new job for the past month and is attempting to make it up to me slowly.
My thoughts are, has he done too much in the past for me to forgive, despite his good intentions now??
I just dont know if i feel the same about the relationship as i did 8yrs ago.
I dont live with him anymore which i suppose is putting a distance between us and makes it harder for me to get close and feel part of his life.
Im just gonna see how things go over the next month.
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Hi robynsfly, I too have been a lurker and seeing your post made me want to reply. I am in a similar situation. The progression towards recognizing a drinking problem was slow for me as we met in school in our mid 20's and everyone, including me, was drinking a lot. As the years went on, marriage etc, drinking became moderated for me and many around us, but his didn't. I saw it was a problem but didn't consider him an alcoholic since it was limited mostly to weekends. Also a great guy, good job etc. We now have a 14 month old and I'm in your spot. Over the last few years and many terrible events, arguments and failed treatment attempts, I just don't know if I can hang on any longer. I feel so hurt inside and cringe every time a beer can pops, that I just can't be myself or feel intimate towards him. On some level I may love him, but I'm having trouble functioning with any love on a daily basis.
We are in transition of moving closer to my family in another city, and he said that he'd try aa when he's there in Jan. Other attempts have failed, so I hope but don't know what will come of it. I have been going to al anon for 4 months. It's too bad about the group you went to; can you try others around you? I found one that I couldn't do without, and it has helped me get away from the destructive patterns I've taken up to deal with his addiction. I am learning more every day, and feeling better about myself, but still don't know if I can make it work with him. He does have good intentions, but how long do I suffer? I've also made it crystal clear to him that I don't want my daughter raised in this environment and told him that I can't wait around waiting for him to 'see the light'. Every time he drinks he is apologetic - "I'm trying" but he isn't cuz he's not even going to treatment! I think he's still in a bit of denial despite his talk, and because I see that, I doubt his promises.
I bear the burdens of many hurts that al anon is still helping me with. I also feel that I put up with many things that I shouldn't have but I was in denial then too so I have to forgive myself. He was drunk on our wedding night (6 yrs ago) and got angry at me for wanting to take a 'romantic' bath in our hotel spa tub when he didn't want to, and ended up storming out and spending half the night with my brother-in-law talking him down. I spent my wedding night alone. I still can't let go. He hasn't to my knowledge been drunk while taking care of the baby, but my trust in him is low and I don't leave many opportunities for that.
I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this; the support of the al anon group really helps to keep me going. I don't know what my future will hold, but I'm losing faith that my marriage will be salvageable. Take care of yourself.
We are in transition of moving closer to my family in another city, and he said that he'd try aa when he's there in Jan. Other attempts have failed, so I hope but don't know what will come of it. I have been going to al anon for 4 months. It's too bad about the group you went to; can you try others around you? I found one that I couldn't do without, and it has helped me get away from the destructive patterns I've taken up to deal with his addiction. I am learning more every day, and feeling better about myself, but still don't know if I can make it work with him. He does have good intentions, but how long do I suffer? I've also made it crystal clear to him that I don't want my daughter raised in this environment and told him that I can't wait around waiting for him to 'see the light'. Every time he drinks he is apologetic - "I'm trying" but he isn't cuz he's not even going to treatment! I think he's still in a bit of denial despite his talk, and because I see that, I doubt his promises.
I bear the burdens of many hurts that al anon is still helping me with. I also feel that I put up with many things that I shouldn't have but I was in denial then too so I have to forgive myself. He was drunk on our wedding night (6 yrs ago) and got angry at me for wanting to take a 'romantic' bath in our hotel spa tub when he didn't want to, and ended up storming out and spending half the night with my brother-in-law talking him down. I spent my wedding night alone. I still can't let go. He hasn't to my knowledge been drunk while taking care of the baby, but my trust in him is low and I don't leave many opportunities for that.
I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this; the support of the al anon group really helps to keep me going. I don't know what my future will hold, but I'm losing faith that my marriage will be salvageable. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by silkspin
I feel so hurt inside and cringe every time a beer can pops, that I just can't be myself or feel intimate towards him.
Every time he drinks he is apologetic - "I'm trying" but he isn't cuz he's not even going to treatment! I think he's still in a bit of denial despite his talk, and because I see that, I doubt his promises.
I bear the burdens of many hurts that al anon is still helping me with. I also feel that I put up with many things that I shouldn't have but I was in denial then too so I have to forgive myself.
Every time he drinks he is apologetic - "I'm trying" but he isn't cuz he's not even going to treatment! I think he's still in a bit of denial despite his talk, and because I see that, I doubt his promises.
I bear the burdens of many hurts that al anon is still helping me with. I also feel that I put up with many things that I shouldn't have but I was in denial then too so I have to forgive myself.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's hard.
How I know that cringe feeling. His actions start to affect who you are. Like me, I'm sure you don't want to have those feelings whenever the beer or wine starts to pour.
Again, actions speak louder than words. Apologies don't mean much when behavior does not change.
I'm not sure you were in denial. We live in a drinking culture. We drink a lot in our twenties. Then, slowly, you start to realize that your partner is drinking above and beyond a "normal" level.
We simply didn't know. It's a process of learning.
Sounds like you are moving into the 'Detachment' phase? That is one thing I did gain from the Al-anon meeting. The concept of detachment normalized why I felt so emotionally numb.
It's what YOU have to do to survive and take care of yourself. You can only change yourself.
Feeling uncertainty about the future is difficult. But you are on the right track.
Just keep asking yourself, what do YOU want out of life? To continue to cringe and resent AH's behavior? Or find ways to have peace in your life?
I hope the light goes on for your AH.
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