Is it too late to save the marriage? (new here)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
yes robinsfly, you're right. I'm actively trying to detach and to protect myself. I am trying to find healthy ways of dealing with his actions. When he drinks now, I remove myself from the situation. I've started to journal, and I have someone with whom I connected with from al anon as a support. She has told me that she used to write emails to a friend, send them, and her friend would delete them without reading them. It was about the act of sharing. I've done that with her a few times and it has helped.
The greatest struggle, which I'm sure you're dealing with too, is the gap that is widening between him and me. I'm moving forward, concentrating on myself and my daughter, and he isn't. It frightens me but al anon is teaching me to take it one day at a time. I don't have to make any decisions yet; hopefully they will come to me as I face each day.
The greatest struggle, which I'm sure you're dealing with too, is the gap that is widening between him and me. I'm moving forward, concentrating on myself and my daughter, and he isn't. It frightens me but al anon is teaching me to take it one day at a time. I don't have to make any decisions yet; hopefully they will come to me as I face each day.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I think it just has to play out. Sometimes we can go on so long. Then all of a sudden that's it! We've had it! I think saving any relationship in trouble is hard work and takes TWO who want to work at it.
I've been working really hard for a long time. The problem is I've been working at it, he's been drinking. It can't be saved by just one person. If the other person is working and your working there is always a "chance". And at least that's something.
The trick is finding a good therapist or group who will let both people work through all the emotional stuff; while telling the other person to hang in there that it's all normal. There is no magic wand to make all the bad memories disappear for either of you.
My last fight with my AH he ask if I thought all our problems would just go away if he stopped drinking? I told him "NO! You need classes on empathy, morality and just being a good person in general!" What I didn't say was that I wouldn't know how to ever love, trust or respect him again. I don't know how to cross the Grand Canyon of disgust I feel when I look at him. If I was going to work things out with him, we would need lots of help.
Good luck! My thoughts and prayers are with you guys!
I've been working really hard for a long time. The problem is I've been working at it, he's been drinking. It can't be saved by just one person. If the other person is working and your working there is always a "chance". And at least that's something.
The trick is finding a good therapist or group who will let both people work through all the emotional stuff; while telling the other person to hang in there that it's all normal. There is no magic wand to make all the bad memories disappear for either of you.
My last fight with my AH he ask if I thought all our problems would just go away if he stopped drinking? I told him "NO! You need classes on empathy, morality and just being a good person in general!" What I didn't say was that I wouldn't know how to ever love, trust or respect him again. I don't know how to cross the Grand Canyon of disgust I feel when I look at him. If I was going to work things out with him, we would need lots of help.
Good luck! My thoughts and prayers are with you guys!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
The day I admitted to myself that my marriage was dead, that my love for xAH had died because of all the crap, was the most liberating day in my life. It meant I was free to consider what I wanted going forward regardless of whether I stayed or left. I did leave and divorced him eventually but in some ways the recognition that the love had died was more freeing than the actual leaving.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi everyone, really great and supporting words. I'm glad I found this forum; it helps fill the void when I can't get to an al anon meeting.
The last week has been up and down; he turned down a friend because he knew he'd drink, but then we went to stay overnight at friends, and he got drunk then. We were all sleeping in the same room and he almost fell trying to get into bed at 2am and grabbed hold of my daughter's portable crib. That was horrifying to me. Earlier that night he'd expressed his displeasure that our intimate life is non-existent, and I just diffused the situation so as not to discuss while he was drinking. Next evening I opened our laptop and up popped an 'inappropriate' web page. So that's his way of dealing with our relationship! Something really changed in me when that happened. I went to bed without a word, and the next morning I told him I no longer wanted this situation to continue; that I hope that he will want to recover but that's his to do. That his attempts have been half-hearted and that likely he isn't ready, but that I and my daughter can no longer suffer because of his issues. Because we're selling our house and moving in with my parents I agreed that our living situation can remain as is until the house is sold, but that I'm basically giving him and me space in the relationship. He's now in the other city working for the week, so this time apart will hopefully give both of us clarity. He emailed last night and said he's ready to look into his 'dark cavern' and I'm glad, but things cannot be the same for me again. Even if he throws himself into recovery and I choose not to divorce him, we will still be starting from square 1. I feel terribly sad but empowered at the same time. I feel most terrible about potentially splitting our family unit, but better that than living the way we have and have it start affecting my daughter.
The last week has been up and down; he turned down a friend because he knew he'd drink, but then we went to stay overnight at friends, and he got drunk then. We were all sleeping in the same room and he almost fell trying to get into bed at 2am and grabbed hold of my daughter's portable crib. That was horrifying to me. Earlier that night he'd expressed his displeasure that our intimate life is non-existent, and I just diffused the situation so as not to discuss while he was drinking. Next evening I opened our laptop and up popped an 'inappropriate' web page. So that's his way of dealing with our relationship! Something really changed in me when that happened. I went to bed without a word, and the next morning I told him I no longer wanted this situation to continue; that I hope that he will want to recover but that's his to do. That his attempts have been half-hearted and that likely he isn't ready, but that I and my daughter can no longer suffer because of his issues. Because we're selling our house and moving in with my parents I agreed that our living situation can remain as is until the house is sold, but that I'm basically giving him and me space in the relationship. He's now in the other city working for the week, so this time apart will hopefully give both of us clarity. He emailed last night and said he's ready to look into his 'dark cavern' and I'm glad, but things cannot be the same for me again. Even if he throws himself into recovery and I choose not to divorce him, we will still be starting from square 1. I feel terribly sad but empowered at the same time. I feel most terrible about potentially splitting our family unit, but better that than living the way we have and have it start affecting my daughter.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by silkspin 
I feel most terrible about potentially splitting our family unit, but better that than living the way we have and have it start affecting my daughter.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by blessed4x
Careful what you wish for! I used to think the same thing, but the problem was my tolerance for bad behavior escalated right along with his tolerance for alcohol....and he became more of a jerk. I know how painful all of this is with little ones. My youngest is also in preschool. Only you can decide what has to be done, but coming here for support will be a huge help in sorting through it all. I also sought the advice of an attorney. It helped me understand how things would proceed if I chose to go that route, what information I needed to be gathering, and how to protect myself financially and legally.
One thing that was brought up recently was what would happen if my AH were to be drinking and driving and get in a wreck where someone was seriously injured or killed. Even if he were not at fault, we could be sued, and I could lose my house, our retirement, everything because he was driving under the influence. So there are many things to consider, especially when you have little ones whose future is dependant on you to keep them safe.
Welcome to this wonderful place!!
One thing that was brought up recently was what would happen if my AH were to be drinking and driving and get in a wreck where someone was seriously injured or killed. Even if he were not at fault, we could be sued, and I could lose my house, our retirement, everything because he was driving under the influence. So there are many things to consider, especially when you have little ones whose future is dependant on you to keep them safe.
Welcome to this wonderful place!!
I thought if he'd just get worse, take that it that one step further I'd be done. Instead I just built up a higher tolerance to his stupidity and awful decisions. Mine has been an occasion drunk driver, one time I was up at 2 in the morning with a flash light getting all of the empty beer cans picked up because he'd rolled his truck. I couldn't afford for our insurance to go up is how I justified, I should of let him go to jail.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NOR CAL
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by RobinsFly
He crossed the line, and I said "that's it, we are separating". He says "I will stop drinking, forever"
My kids are teenagers, and I've recently found out that everything is not OK with them, even though I tried to keep everything as normal as possible, in spite of the chaos. I was OK being unhappy, but now that I see my kids are also unhappy, it's time for change. I've also been keeping score, and can't believe the crap I've dealt with over the last 18 years.
It WILL affect your kids, no matter how well you protect them. Do yourself a favor and make a decision soon, don't wait too long. You are not alone, so many of us are in the same situation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Northern California
Posts: 15
I'm also in the same boat. The insanity over Christmas may have been my final line. (my post was "I should have known better") I suddenly feel SO empty inside. Especially towards him. I want to be empathetic...but it's not there.
I started reading (lurking - I love that) this website, and I have found it incredibly eye-opening. I love learning that maybe I'm not insane. That my AH's outrageous and endless behaviour is sadly so common!
And the narcissism is just ridiculous. Last night he was ranting because he wanted the dog to sleep in the crate but I let her sleep in my son's room. "Why am I hear - no one listens to me?" I cooly told him the door's wide open - feel free. He can ruin Christmas without remorse, but if I dare to disagree with one of his "decrees" it's an unforgivable offense.
The idea of taking care of myself and my children INSTEAD of him was brand new to me one week ago. So was the idea of detachment. That I don't actually have to argue with him when he's drunk (what's the point - he doesn't remember anyway), again, a new concept.
Pretty liberating stuff. Now I wonder if I'm taking that concept too far. I feel pretty cold toward him. All of awful behaviour in the past continues to replay in my head. I've told him we have seen the end of BS in our house. I actually used the words "there's a new sheriff in town," ( I was kidding - but not really.) He asked me what the heck I was reading? Stop reading it! My attitude has become pretty cut and dry. In one weeks time I am unwilling to walk on eggshells - not for one more second.
Have I gone overboard?
I started reading (lurking - I love that) this website, and I have found it incredibly eye-opening. I love learning that maybe I'm not insane. That my AH's outrageous and endless behaviour is sadly so common!
And the narcissism is just ridiculous. Last night he was ranting because he wanted the dog to sleep in the crate but I let her sleep in my son's room. "Why am I hear - no one listens to me?" I cooly told him the door's wide open - feel free. He can ruin Christmas without remorse, but if I dare to disagree with one of his "decrees" it's an unforgivable offense.
The idea of taking care of myself and my children INSTEAD of him was brand new to me one week ago. So was the idea of detachment. That I don't actually have to argue with him when he's drunk (what's the point - he doesn't remember anyway), again, a new concept.
Pretty liberating stuff. Now I wonder if I'm taking that concept too far. I feel pretty cold toward him. All of awful behaviour in the past continues to replay in my head. I've told him we have seen the end of BS in our house. I actually used the words "there's a new sheriff in town," ( I was kidding - but not really.) He asked me what the heck I was reading? Stop reading it! My attitude has become pretty cut and dry. In one weeks time I am unwilling to walk on eggshells - not for one more second.
Have I gone overboard?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by counselorK
I'm also in the same boat. The insanity over Christmas may have been my final line. (my post was "I should have known better") I suddenly feel SO empty inside. Especially towards him. I want to be empathetic...but it's not there.
I started reading (lurking - I love that) this website, and I have found it incredibly eye-opening. I love learning that maybe I'm not insane. That my AH's outrageous and endless behaviour is sadly so common!
And the narcissism is just ridiculous. Last night he was ranting because he wanted the dog to sleep in the crate but I let her sleep in my son's room. "Why am I hear - no one listens to me?" I cooly told him the door's wide open - feel free. He can ruin Christmas without remorse, but if I dare to disagree with one of his "decrees" it's an unforgivable offense.
The idea of taking care of myself and my children INSTEAD of him was brand new to me one week ago. So was the idea of detachment. That I don't actually have to argue with him when he's drunk (what's the point - he doesn't remember anyway), again, a new concept.
Pretty liberating stuff. Now I wonder if I'm taking that concept too far. I feel pretty cold toward him. All of awful behaviour in the past continues to replay in my head. I've told him we have seen the end of BS in our house. I actually used the words "there's a new sheriff in town," ( I was kidding - but not really.) He asked me what the heck I was reading? Stop reading it! My attitude has become pretty cut and dry. In one weeks time I am unwilling to walk on eggshells - not for one more second.
Have I gone overboard?
I started reading (lurking - I love that) this website, and I have found it incredibly eye-opening. I love learning that maybe I'm not insane. That my AH's outrageous and endless behaviour is sadly so common!
And the narcissism is just ridiculous. Last night he was ranting because he wanted the dog to sleep in the crate but I let her sleep in my son's room. "Why am I hear - no one listens to me?" I cooly told him the door's wide open - feel free. He can ruin Christmas without remorse, but if I dare to disagree with one of his "decrees" it's an unforgivable offense.
The idea of taking care of myself and my children INSTEAD of him was brand new to me one week ago. So was the idea of detachment. That I don't actually have to argue with him when he's drunk (what's the point - he doesn't remember anyway), again, a new concept.
Pretty liberating stuff. Now I wonder if I'm taking that concept too far. I feel pretty cold toward him. All of awful behaviour in the past continues to replay in my head. I've told him we have seen the end of BS in our house. I actually used the words "there's a new sheriff in town," ( I was kidding - but not really.) He asked me what the heck I was reading? Stop reading it! My attitude has become pretty cut and dry. In one weeks time I am unwilling to walk on eggshells - not for one more second.
Have I gone overboard?
"Why am I hear - no one listens to me?"
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
couselorK, I know how you feel. I have felt that same coldness. I try to analyze it to distinguish between non-judgmental detachment, and anger. It's a bit of both sometimes. I try to detach but sometimes I'm overly cold. I can't help it, the situation has created this type of dysfunctional response in me. I'm learning in al anon to be compassionate and empathetic to him, and detach to take care of myself.
I can't explain the 'line' but I guess many here know and understand. I agonized for months about whether I'd have to make a decision about staying/leaving, really what to do, but after the last incident (which wasn't even any sort of huge blowout) something just quietly changed in me, like a guitar string breaking. What surprised me is how neutrally it came along. I was finally ready and a higher power nudged me and I listened. And since the change, I have tried not to agonize what the future will bring, I am going to focus on each day as it comes. That will eventually bring me to my future and I will have to accept what that will be.
I can't explain the 'line' but I guess many here know and understand. I agonized for months about whether I'd have to make a decision about staying/leaving, really what to do, but after the last incident (which wasn't even any sort of huge blowout) something just quietly changed in me, like a guitar string breaking. What surprised me is how neutrally it came along. I was finally ready and a higher power nudged me and I listened. And since the change, I have tried not to agonize what the future will bring, I am going to focus on each day as it comes. That will eventually bring me to my future and I will have to accept what that will be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Northern California
Posts: 15
"I agonized for months about whether I'd have to make a decision about staying/leaving, really what to do, but after the last incident (which wasn't even any sort of huge blowout) something just quietly changed in me, like a guitar string breaking. What surprised me is how neutrally it came along. I was finally ready and a higher power nudged me and I listened. And since the change, I have tried not to agonize what the future will bring, I am going to focus on each day as it comes. That will eventually bring me to my future and I will have to accept what that will be."
Thank you so much Silkspin. I aspire to your grace.
As I sit here in the livingroom, he's in the bedroom. I'm not catering to his needs. Twice since I've been home from work (after my son's soccer game, buying supplies for a school project and making dinner - not complaining at all, merely illustrating the normal course of events around here) he's tried to manufacture some sort of scenario justifying his "depression of the day" so I'll feel sorry for him.
I'm also understanding how enabling I must be/have been over the years.
Interestingly enough, I think he's understanding that what was, will no longer be. I'm actually curious to watch how things will play out now. He's a smart man and I do believe he loves me.
I may not be able to afford this house forever, but at least this time, I don't have to leave. Lord help him if any guitar strings break around here....
Thank you so much Silkspin. I aspire to your grace.
As I sit here in the livingroom, he's in the bedroom. I'm not catering to his needs. Twice since I've been home from work (after my son's soccer game, buying supplies for a school project and making dinner - not complaining at all, merely illustrating the normal course of events around here) he's tried to manufacture some sort of scenario justifying his "depression of the day" so I'll feel sorry for him.
I'm also understanding how enabling I must be/have been over the years.
Interestingly enough, I think he's understanding that what was, will no longer be. I'm actually curious to watch how things will play out now. He's a smart man and I do believe he loves me.
I may not be able to afford this house forever, but at least this time, I don't have to leave. Lord help him if any guitar strings break around here....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
I feel that over the years I could have smashed a thousand guitars! I'm thankful to have found al anon 4 months ago that helped me stop enabling. Many years of trying to 'help' and feeling like it was all his issue. I see and acknowledge my part, and continue to work on myself, but that doesn't excuse him. After I told him my position he has been humble in seeking some limited help, but I'm not focused on that. I'm glad for him, but my priority absolutely must be with me and my 14 month old baby girl. I've been reading the posts on the site and all the great messages give me strength to persevere for her sake. Continue to take care of yourself and your children.
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