Going to see family and dreading it
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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Going to see family and dreading it
Hi - I'm looking for any kind of advice/input... have posted here before so some may be familiar with my story. My sister is married to a longtime A who also uses prescription drugs (vicodin, oxycontin, methadone, valium). I am close to my sister's 4 children (ages 17 down to 6) but live very far away. I have not been close to my sister for a while because I have had to set boundaries for myself and my family. My teenage nieces have talked to me about what has happened over the last few years in their family (father very drunk/passed out, has not worked in 2+ years, money problems, strange behavior, etc.) and I think they see me and my family as a resource. Have tried to get them to AlAnon but they are committed to "keeping the family secret". We live 3,000 mis. away, but will be taking an emergency trip back home in 2 days because my aunt (last surviving family member of my parents' generation and a womn who never had children and so is close to both my sister and me) is critically ill in hospital and may not survive. SO my thoughts are focused on my aunt, but also on how I am going to deal with my sister and her husband...Honestly, I have a hard time being in the same room with him because of his past behavior, the way he treats my sister (or the way she allows herself to be treated)...my husband and I also do not want our kids (who are very, very close to their cousins) to sleep over at their house or be in a car driven by their Dad because I don't trust him, although he is (according to my sister) supposedly sober following a DUI arrest in early November. ANy advice on handling family relations during a very stressful time (I thinkmy aunt may die) when there is an alcoholic involved? If I thought he was sober - really sober - or if he tried to apologize for past negative behavior (and believe, there's been a LOT) - then I would be a lot more open. But I do not trust or like him. I resent what he has done to his chilren and my sister. Wordsof wisdom, please!!! Thanks in advance to all....
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 22
Thanks for that - yes, we will have a rental car and are staying at a friend's house so we wll have some physical boundaries in place. You are so right - I am there for my aunt, no matter what happens, and I just can't rise to bait that is offered to me (hard for me to do sometimes but I am working on it). I like something that I believe you posted on another thread -the idea that "Resentment is like poison that you drink but you expect tHe object of your resentment to die". So true!!! I have to remember that, because the resentment I feel towards my brother-in-law, and my sister - who is allowing his behaviour and her co-dependency to put their kids at risk - helps no one, and unfortunately hurts me...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Limerick,
As someone who is frequently in the position you find yourself in, I understand completely. I too have to pull out all of my detachment tools in order to be around certain individuals in my family -- and get very clear on my boundaries. You can't control your sister nor her husband's choices & behavior, you can only be there for your aunt....as Ago suggests, I think your best bet is to go through several possible scenarios of "what might happen" and have an escape plan mapped out for each. Your own car and place to stay will help a lot.
But mostly, just try to get through this with maximum serenity. It won't be easy but it is just a short time, and you are on a mission: be there for your aunt, ignore your sister's situation as much as you can, as there is nothing you can to do change it at this point.
Hugs to you to get through this
GL
As someone who is frequently in the position you find yourself in, I understand completely. I too have to pull out all of my detachment tools in order to be around certain individuals in my family -- and get very clear on my boundaries. You can't control your sister nor her husband's choices & behavior, you can only be there for your aunt....as Ago suggests, I think your best bet is to go through several possible scenarios of "what might happen" and have an escape plan mapped out for each. Your own car and place to stay will help a lot.
But mostly, just try to get through this with maximum serenity. It won't be easy but it is just a short time, and you are on a mission: be there for your aunt, ignore your sister's situation as much as you can, as there is nothing you can to do change it at this point.
Hugs to you to get through this
GL
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
My aunt is on her death bed and there have been all kind of issues... It's been so over whelming that I just have had to focus on my aunt and just work around all the other stuff including my own AH. I figure as long as your safe...there is so much emotional stuff going on... you may not have to deal with what you think you will... I've been able to just tell people I'm sad or need space. They back off... What can they do; some one is going to die for pete sake!
Choosing NOT to deal with something at this time is still a choice. Handle what you can; you don't have to handle what you don't want to.
My prayers are with you!
Choosing NOT to deal with something at this time is still a choice. Handle what you can; you don't have to handle what you don't want to.
My prayers are with you!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
My advice is not to go to the gathering but go to see your Aunt at another time and have a on-on-one visit with her without all the drama. Believe it or not the kids can feel and sense the tension if you are feeling it......why would you want to put them through that?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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Originally Posted by DII 
My advice is not to go to the gathering but go to see your Aunt at another time and have a on-on-one visit with her without all the drama. Believe it or not the kids can feel and sense the tension if you are feeling it......why would you want to put them through that?
(we) will be taking an emergency trip back home in 2 days because my aunt (last surviving family member of my parents' generation and a womn who never had children and so is close to both my sister and me) is critically ill in hospital and may not survive.
No Choice, sometimes life happens
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