Is He an Alcoholic
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2
Is He an Alcoholic
I have been married for a little over 2 years to a man that I knew for less than a year. In the beginning we would have drinks together and occasionally get buzzed. This would occur 1-2 times a week. After we got married it seemed that I noticed him drinking more or possibly he just hid it from me prior to marriage.
His drinking started to be almost nightly and usually when I wasn't home. He probably got to the point of slurring 1 or 2 times a week. I do not like the person he becomes when he is drinking. He is not violent but instead is slobberingly lovey dovey and then will get upset that I am not reciprocating. Over the last year, we have had the discussion/fight that I think he drinks too much and I really don't like the person he becomes. The first couple of times he said that he would cut back. The last time when I said that I didn't think I could live with it if it continued he said that he would stop. He did (I think) for a couple of weeks or more and then slowly I started to see the occasional beer bottle in the garbage. The occasional beer has now progressed back to drinking 4-5 nights a week and being "drunk" probably 2 of those times. I am at my wits end as to how to handle this. Would this be considered an alcoholic? He holds a good job and I don't believe he ever drinks during the day. He loves me with all his heart. I do love him but this is starting to drive a wedge. I don't know if he would ever go to AA.
His drinking started to be almost nightly and usually when I wasn't home. He probably got to the point of slurring 1 or 2 times a week. I do not like the person he becomes when he is drinking. He is not violent but instead is slobberingly lovey dovey and then will get upset that I am not reciprocating. Over the last year, we have had the discussion/fight that I think he drinks too much and I really don't like the person he becomes. The first couple of times he said that he would cut back. The last time when I said that I didn't think I could live with it if it continued he said that he would stop. He did (I think) for a couple of weeks or more and then slowly I started to see the occasional beer bottle in the garbage. The occasional beer has now progressed back to drinking 4-5 nights a week and being "drunk" probably 2 of those times. I am at my wits end as to how to handle this. Would this be considered an alcoholic? He holds a good job and I don't believe he ever drinks during the day. He loves me with all his heart. I do love him but this is starting to drive a wedge. I don't know if he would ever go to AA.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Welcome to SR
Try reading the stories, the stickies, classic reading, at the top of this forum, maybe by reading some other peoples stories you can get a better picture of what you are dealing with.
Is he an alcoholic might be the wrong question
Do you find a relationship with someone who:
His drinking started to be almost nightly
He probably got to the point of slurring 1 or 2 times a week
I do not like the person he becomes when he is drinking.
He is not violent but instead is slobberingly lovey dovey and then will get upset that I am not reciprocating.
Over the last year, we have had the discussion/fight that I think he drinks too much
He did (I think) for a couple of weeks or more and then slowly I started to see the occasional beer bottle in the garbage.
The occasional beer has now progressed back to drinking 4-5 nights a week and being "drunk" probably 2 of those times.
I don't know if he would ever go to AA
To be something you would be interested in having as a long term relationship?
Typically speaking drinking usually "gets worse" and if he is an alcoholic, and he certainly displays many of the characteristics, it ALWAYS gets worse, alcoholism is a progressive disease, although he may only be a "potential alcoholic"
The question might be, is this what you want in a relationship, and you are the only one that has an answer to that, he has "given you the information", what are you going to do with it?
I am sorry to come across as so "blunt" but I found for me it helps to reframe the question sometimes.
Try reading the stories, the stickies, classic reading, at the top of this forum, maybe by reading some other peoples stories you can get a better picture of what you are dealing with.
Is he an alcoholic might be the wrong question
Do you find a relationship with someone who:
His drinking started to be almost nightly
He probably got to the point of slurring 1 or 2 times a week
I do not like the person he becomes when he is drinking.
He is not violent but instead is slobberingly lovey dovey and then will get upset that I am not reciprocating.
Over the last year, we have had the discussion/fight that I think he drinks too much
He did (I think) for a couple of weeks or more and then slowly I started to see the occasional beer bottle in the garbage.
The occasional beer has now progressed back to drinking 4-5 nights a week and being "drunk" probably 2 of those times.
I don't know if he would ever go to AA
To be something you would be interested in having as a long term relationship?
Typically speaking drinking usually "gets worse" and if he is an alcoholic, and he certainly displays many of the characteristics, it ALWAYS gets worse, alcoholism is a progressive disease, although he may only be a "potential alcoholic"
The question might be, is this what you want in a relationship, and you are the only one that has an answer to that, he has "given you the information", what are you going to do with it?
I am sorry to come across as so "blunt" but I found for me it helps to reframe the question sometimes.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by bluiis 
I have been married for a little over 2 years to a man that I knew for less than a year.
Over the last year, we have had the discussion/fight that I think he drinks too much and I really don't like the person he becomes. The first couple of times he said that he would cut back. The last time when I said that I didn't think I could live with it if it continued he said that he would stop. He did (I think) for a couple of weeks or more and then slowly I started to see the occasional beer bottle in the garbage. The occasional beer has now progressed back to drinking 4-5 nights a week and being "drunk" probably 2 of those times. I am at my wits end as to how to handle this.
Over the last year, we have had the discussion/fight that I think he drinks too much and I really don't like the person he becomes. The first couple of times he said that he would cut back. The last time when I said that I didn't think I could live with it if it continued he said that he would stop. He did (I think) for a couple of weeks or more and then slowly I started to see the occasional beer bottle in the garbage. The occasional beer has now progressed back to drinking 4-5 nights a week and being "drunk" probably 2 of those times. I am at my wits end as to how to handle this.
On the other hand, IMO, YES, you have an A on your hands. I've been married to two A's, and both of them wanted to pin me down and become exclusive quickly.
You've probably realized by now that discussions aren't getting him to permanently stop drinking. Only he can make the decision to get sober, stay sober, and maintain sobriety. By sobriety, I mean a change in behaviors that come along with the drinking; manipulation, lying, blame-placing, finger-pointing, etc.
Please read all the stickies at the top of our forum. I'd also suggest you find some Al-Anon meetings in your area and give them a try. It is suggeted to newcomers that they attend six meetings to determine if the program is a good fit for them.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I've watched the progression. It is NOT pretty. I hope we can be of help and support to you here. We've all been in similar circumstances and we understand what you're going through.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Whether he is an alcolholic or not is in a way irrelevant. His drinking is a problem in your life, therefore its a problem whatever label gets slapped on it.
Stick around, learn as much as you can about alcoholism and what it does to those who love the A in their life. You cannot change him. Only he can do that. But you can change how you respond to his drinking and take care of yourself regardless of what he does.
Stick around, learn as much as you can about alcoholism and what it does to those who love the A in their life. You cannot change him. Only he can do that. But you can change how you respond to his drinking and take care of yourself regardless of what he does.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Federalsburg, MD
Posts: 12
Dear Bluiis,
I read your post and thought I was reading something I WROTE! I left my husband 3 months ago because of the same thing you're dealing with right now. He was completely functional, never violent, picture perfect (except for the obvious which affected multiple aspects of our lives). For the past two years, I've repeated over and over and over about his frequency, ect. (just beer, about 6+, almost every night or every night) I just came to the end of my patience. Why is beer more important? I should be NUMBER 1! We've been married 7 years, I'm 29, and we have no children. (another reason....we wanted children, however, I will not make love to beer breath, and I don't want my child to grow up with this either!!) It was the most HORRIBLE thing I've ever had to go through...packing my things, going back to live with my parents at 29, (have to save for my own apartment).....you just have to decide when enough is enough. Is this where I want to see myself 5 or 10 years from now? We've even tried to meet throughout these past 3 months to "talk" but the last time he wanted to meet for dinner and "coctails!!!" Hello???!!! Point being, HE has to make the decision to quit, I CANNOT force him to do it, HE is responsible for HIS actions. But I do NOT have to stick around. If and when he's ready, he is more than welcome to call me and let me know. Hopefully at that point it will not be too late. What is acceptable for you? Much love and many hugs.
I read your post and thought I was reading something I WROTE! I left my husband 3 months ago because of the same thing you're dealing with right now. He was completely functional, never violent, picture perfect (except for the obvious which affected multiple aspects of our lives). For the past two years, I've repeated over and over and over about his frequency, ect. (just beer, about 6+, almost every night or every night) I just came to the end of my patience. Why is beer more important? I should be NUMBER 1! We've been married 7 years, I'm 29, and we have no children. (another reason....we wanted children, however, I will not make love to beer breath, and I don't want my child to grow up with this either!!) It was the most HORRIBLE thing I've ever had to go through...packing my things, going back to live with my parents at 29, (have to save for my own apartment).....you just have to decide when enough is enough. Is this where I want to see myself 5 or 10 years from now? We've even tried to meet throughout these past 3 months to "talk" but the last time he wanted to meet for dinner and "coctails!!!" Hello???!!! Point being, HE has to make the decision to quit, I CANNOT force him to do it, HE is responsible for HIS actions. But I do NOT have to stick around. If and when he's ready, he is more than welcome to call me and let me know. Hopefully at that point it will not be too late. What is acceptable for you? Much love and many hugs.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Bluiis, great posts by all....I can't add much more. I will say that it can be worse. I don't know if your husband will get worse but he could physically deteriorate. Have you asked him to get help through AA? This would be a clear sign if he is willing to admit he has a problem. You should consider Alanon or 1on1 counseling so you can understand the disease and how you are affected by it.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Your story reminds me of the beginning of my 18 year relationship with the alcoholic in my life. We divorced this year.
The today me would tell the yesterday me that it might have been best to take a break for a year, seek help for myself, watch to see if he did the same. If not, end it.
I don't regret a minute of my life so far, but with the knowledge I now have of the disease, I might have made some different choices.
Good luck and keep posting!
The today me would tell the yesterday me that it might have been best to take a break for a year, seek help for myself, watch to see if he did the same. If not, end it.
I don't regret a minute of my life so far, but with the knowledge I now have of the disease, I might have made some different choices.
Good luck and keep posting!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i agree with others that say it doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not.....alcohol is a problem in your life.
he doesn't have to attend aa, and you can't make him. but you can go to al-anon and find some peace and learn the tools to help yourself.
some couples stay together, some can't stay together. believe it or not, we have a role in these alcoholic relationships. we become enablers, we disappear into the woodwork as the disease progresses, we walk around on eggshells, we try to outwit the alcoholic, we try tricking him into not drinking with tears, threats, begging, shaming, blaming,and bargaining. it made me much sicker than my xah.
once i got into al-anon, i learned so much about how to focus on myself again.
(((((bluis)))))
he doesn't have to attend aa, and you can't make him. but you can go to al-anon and find some peace and learn the tools to help yourself.
some couples stay together, some can't stay together. believe it or not, we have a role in these alcoholic relationships. we become enablers, we disappear into the woodwork as the disease progresses, we walk around on eggshells, we try to outwit the alcoholic, we try tricking him into not drinking with tears, threats, begging, shaming, blaming,and bargaining. it made me much sicker than my xah.
once i got into al-anon, i learned so much about how to focus on myself again.
(((((bluis)))))
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 46
What has surprised me in my life is that all the signs pointed in a direction that I knew I did not want to go with my x-husband of 15 years. But it took me a long time to see that enough was enough. Imagine him in sickness…and drinking…or good health …and drinking, birthday parties, anniversaries, funerals etc…drinking.
Then there is the fall out of how it changes your perception of reality, and it will. Just when you think that you have left “that lifestyle” it sneaks back up on you and you are starting all over with a person with similar traits. It truly sneaks up.
So listen to these much smarter people than I, and think about what you want out of your life before you excuse him for doing what he wants in his. This is a relationship that is in its infancy stages. Nip it in the bud.
Then there is the fall out of how it changes your perception of reality, and it will. Just when you think that you have left “that lifestyle” it sneaks back up on you and you are starting all over with a person with similar traits. It truly sneaks up.
So listen to these much smarter people than I, and think about what you want out of your life before you excuse him for doing what he wants in his. This is a relationship that is in its infancy stages. Nip it in the bud.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
I still struggle with the term 'alcoholic'.
If your partner's drinking is making you uncomfortable, then there is a problem. As others said, alcohol is a problem in YOUR life.
It's not what you want in the relationship. I completely understand the 'lovey sloppy drunk' thing. :gross:
I finally reached a point where I didn't like who I was becoming because of his drinking. I was angry and resentful all the time - and who wants to live like that?
You cannot change him, you can only work on yourself.
If your partner's drinking is making you uncomfortable, then there is a problem. As others said, alcohol is a problem in YOUR life.
It's not what you want in the relationship. I completely understand the 'lovey sloppy drunk' thing. :gross:
I finally reached a point where I didn't like who I was becoming because of his drinking. I was angry and resentful all the time - and who wants to live like that?
You cannot change him, you can only work on yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 46
It pushes you to the edge, and that is such a scary place to be. Especially when you have built a whole existence around a person. Follow your instincts now, whatever they may be. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 43
bluiis,
This was my story 21 years ago. I am still here. I didn't know any better back then. I wish I had. The drinking in my house has gone from 6 to 18 to ?. This is every night. I l have lost count. I know what you mean about the wedge. I have one. Get help now. Know the signs and work on yourself. Don't wait as long as I have and 2 children later to do it.
This was my story 21 years ago. I am still here. I didn't know any better back then. I wish I had. The drinking in my house has gone from 6 to 18 to ?. This is every night. I l have lost count. I know what you mean about the wedge. I have one. Get help now. Know the signs and work on yourself. Don't wait as long as I have and 2 children later to do it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: san antonio, tx
Posts: 6
This Sounds Like Our Family
My son-in-law could have written this about my daughter. If she was an A when they married, we were all in denial.
Because we did not want to see the issue, her recovery has been very, very slow. Finally after a car wreck she went to rehab. Now he carries all of the burden of worrying if she is going to be the "person he married" or the person who can barely stand when she comes home from her job.
I wish we had all known about this board. I am a new member. We are going to Al-anon. It has helped us to understand her. However, the input from this board has given me a starting point in dealing with her A.
I hope to follow your progress.
Because we did not want to see the issue, her recovery has been very, very slow. Finally after a car wreck she went to rehab. Now he carries all of the burden of worrying if she is going to be the "person he married" or the person who can barely stand when she comes home from her job.
I wish we had all known about this board. I am a new member. We are going to Al-anon. It has helped us to understand her. However, the input from this board has given me a starting point in dealing with her A.
I hope to follow your progress.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2
RE: Is he an Alcoholic
WOW!! When I posted this letter I thought that I may have a couple of people respond. I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming response that I have received. I want to thank each and everyone of you for your input. Each one brought some new insight to my situation.
The one thing that I didn't include in my first letter was that this is a second marriage for both of us and I am 47 with almost grown children (that do not live with us). I don't know if this is really relevant but small children will never be exposed to this.
Everyone was correct in the fact that it is irrelevant whether he is labelled an alcoholic. What is important is that alcohol is an issue in our relationship. I now need to figure out if this is something that I can live with or not. I am going to look into Al-Anon meetings in my area. What can I expect from these meetings?? I have never really been exposed to living with or being around someone with a drinking problem.
Again thank you to everyone and I will continue to read your posts and keep you updated.
Happy New Year!!!!
The one thing that I didn't include in my first letter was that this is a second marriage for both of us and I am 47 with almost grown children (that do not live with us). I don't know if this is really relevant but small children will never be exposed to this.
Everyone was correct in the fact that it is irrelevant whether he is labelled an alcoholic. What is important is that alcohol is an issue in our relationship. I now need to figure out if this is something that I can live with or not. I am going to look into Al-Anon meetings in my area. What can I expect from these meetings?? I have never really been exposed to living with or being around someone with a drinking problem.
Again thank you to everyone and I will continue to read your posts and keep you updated.
Happy New Year!!!!
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