bearfeet

I felt a bit freaked out with myself yesterday because me, My daughter and my new bloke 'friend' went to a soft play area early on then to His Step Dad's where they were all 'waiting' to meet me, they were all so normal and lovely.

Then the three of us went for a Carvery and as we were finding our seats one of the staff pointed out a table and said to My Baby, 'and Dad can take you over there and then Mum can get in the queue' I was deeply disturbed by the comment and it shocked me, New Guy ('Dad!') made no remark and pottered off with her but it left me feeling really weird and wondering at my motives.....

I mean (apart from spending time with nice normal in-laws, that was a huge huge novelty compared to Ex's family!) yesterday would have been a usual happy Sunday before we split, ok granted it would have turned sour when it was time to go and Ex would have somehow found an innapropriate drinking pal from somewhere, got too drunk to drive and got annoyed with me for not just shuffling off somehow with her I was no longer required, I would also have had to have funded the entire day for all of us myself.....

But it just made me feel all a bit lost and sad and failed and made me wonder am I kidding myself and role playing some pretend life that I wanted but wasn't able to have with the person I truly loved? I also found myself longing for the Ex, not rationally at all be just a massive sense of missing him washed over me.

I don't know perhaps I should have just taken it for what it was and enjoyed myself, he's been making such a lovely fuss of me (this so strange after years of being ignored and disregarded, particularly at weekends) and is really thoughtful and responsible, My Daughter adores him and he's also a good laugh and easy to be with, that's all I was ever desperate for for so long now I have it in my lap I can't work out if it's the 'actions of' or the 'person in' New Bloke that I'm enjoying and if I'm enjoying it because it distracts me from all the recent goings on, I just can't see it all clearly.

It's not just that anyway he kept saying last night how he was 'head over heels' and worried that I'll leave him and hurt him because I find his lifestyle too dull (this I can't get a handle on I have always been the one in relationships to feel this, never before has someone admitted they felt if for me!)

I just keep taking it as a joke and saying 'Yep, I only need you for Christmas etc etc' and have also quite seriously said that I'm not in any position for big relationship issues at the minute. I don't know, I really, really like him and could definately see us as long term but don't know how to put the brakes on without him thinking it's a forerunner to my dessertion of him and it going a bit wrong....

Any advice would be gratefully recieved, also if any of you have an y similar experiences can you remember how you dealt with all the huge emotion and remained true to your own needs?

Thanks again all.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ago

When I was going through this same panic and over analyzing recently Givelove yelled at me and suggested strongly that I just relax and "enjoy the moment."

The feeling I get from your post is kind of "spinning out" and when I get to that place I just need to just "sit with" my feelings for awhile to sort them out, not over analyze, but just relax, and take it easy, the answers will come if I "let go".

I truly understand how confusing and frightening hanging out with someone who's actually nice to you and treats you well can be, I nearly had a panic attack and it felt surreal.

I don't know if it's "too soon" for you as I don't have all the information, and if I did I still wouldn't know, I'm not a qualified therapist, and I'm not going to pretend to be one, but I know how confusing it all can be.

kingston

I totally understand what you are saying, you might want to check this recent posting out, perhaps it might help, hope so. K.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...fraid-too.html

denny57

This is what you wrote a little over 2 weeks ago:

In your situation, in spite of him being a nice guy or not, I would ask myself, am I ready for this and am I being fair to the other person?

GiveLove

May I point out that Givelove does not yell, she just suggests. Loudly.

Bearfeet, you do not have to do anything this minute. You do not have to make any decisions. In fact, "I'm not ready for this to be so life-or-death" is a perfectly fine response to any pressure you're receiving. You need time and clarity to focus on YOUR LIFE, not on getting the next guy in your life and keeping him feeling happy and safe.

Take all the time you need, lady. Some say that you should take the same amount of time OUTSIDE a damaging relationship as you did INSIDE of it in order to really feel together again.

If you care for him, make your feelings clear but protect yourself before you protect "new bloke." I know it took me quite a long time to accept being treated well after my abusive relationships....it didn't seem normal, and my addiction to the high drama kicked in and freaked me out when things seemed too good to be true.

Time. Breathe. Be your loving, self-protective self. If you find yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable, say so, but try not to fixate on these "rushes of emotion" like someone referring to the new bloke as Dad. That was just a mistake - no more, no less. You are still driving your bus and baby Bearfeet's bus, and you get to decide what you want.

Happy christmas, Bearfeet!!