Need to Feel but afraid too
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Need to Feel but afraid too
Hi everyone. I need to ask for some input here. I've been separated from my AH for about 5 months now - no contact. The relationship was over about 18 months ago, it just took me this long to finally leave. We were together for nearly 24 years, some good some bad - typical A relationship.
I've been working very hard on myself and in general feel really good about the accomplishments that I have made. I live in peace and tranquility, no chaos, I have surrounded myself with honest, supportive friends, I have my own home which is my sanctuary, I have a great job. All fabulous blessings. I do not miss my AH, I now see the difference between the fantasy and reality of our relationship.
I have been seeing someone for the last few weeks. He is the first person I have ever met that doesn't come from a dysfunctional family. I've met his family and I sometimes feel like a fish out of water. They are so "normal", they all love each, respect one another and support each other. It's almost surreal. He has been very supportive of me, respectful and kind. He knows my history (huge trust issues) and is constantly being supportive of whatever I do. We see each once a week usually for dinner, a walk or movie, shopping and talk each day. The physical side of our relationship is not there. He has hugged me, cuddled with me while watching tv, held hands and kissed me (cheek). He would like more but again I've told him I'm not ready and he's fine with this, he is putting no pressure on me - we talked a great deal about this.
So my question. I'm concerned that I don't "feel" anything. I really enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, we have a lot of shared interests. But, I don't have this tingling in my stomach when I think I'm going to see him or talk to him on the phone. I don't feel physically attracted to him (he's very good looking so that's not it) and the thought of being intimate right now, well that scares me. If I "give" myself over to him then I would have to trust him. I don't know how to do this. I found out that my AH was cheating on me during his recovery (he introduced his new girlfriend to my friends about a week after I left). I had no idea, the infidelity actually hurt more than the return to drinking. I guess I was used to the drinking but the infidelity really did a number on my head.
During the last few months I've been feeling, all those emotions I've kept bottled up for the last 20 odd years finally came to the surface, it's been painful but I believe for me a necessary part in order for me to heal.
So what's with this lack of feeling? I don't think I'm frigid but I certainly feel that way.
Thanks for listening - K.
I've been working very hard on myself and in general feel really good about the accomplishments that I have made. I live in peace and tranquility, no chaos, I have surrounded myself with honest, supportive friends, I have my own home which is my sanctuary, I have a great job. All fabulous blessings. I do not miss my AH, I now see the difference between the fantasy and reality of our relationship.
I have been seeing someone for the last few weeks. He is the first person I have ever met that doesn't come from a dysfunctional family. I've met his family and I sometimes feel like a fish out of water. They are so "normal", they all love each, respect one another and support each other. It's almost surreal. He has been very supportive of me, respectful and kind. He knows my history (huge trust issues) and is constantly being supportive of whatever I do. We see each once a week usually for dinner, a walk or movie, shopping and talk each day. The physical side of our relationship is not there. He has hugged me, cuddled with me while watching tv, held hands and kissed me (cheek). He would like more but again I've told him I'm not ready and he's fine with this, he is putting no pressure on me - we talked a great deal about this.
So my question. I'm concerned that I don't "feel" anything. I really enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, we have a lot of shared interests. But, I don't have this tingling in my stomach when I think I'm going to see him or talk to him on the phone. I don't feel physically attracted to him (he's very good looking so that's not it) and the thought of being intimate right now, well that scares me. If I "give" myself over to him then I would have to trust him. I don't know how to do this. I found out that my AH was cheating on me during his recovery (he introduced his new girlfriend to my friends about a week after I left). I had no idea, the infidelity actually hurt more than the return to drinking. I guess I was used to the drinking but the infidelity really did a number on my head.
During the last few months I've been feeling, all those emotions I've kept bottled up for the last 20 odd years finally came to the surface, it's been painful but I believe for me a necessary part in order for me to heal.
So what's with this lack of feeling? I don't think I'm frigid but I certainly feel that way.
Thanks for listening - K.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by kingston 
If I "give" myself over to him then I would have to trust him. I don't know how to do this.
Perhaps it's that you need more time to get to know this guy. Perhaps it's that you need to work on your trust issues. Perhaps it's that you just aren't into this particular guy. Be patient with yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
First, I agree wholly with Barb
second, "friendships" with members of the opposite sex have brought me confusion in the past in that there has been times I have almost put pressure on myself to "take it to the next level" when in fact all I felt was friendship and "platonic love" for this person, especially "friendships" where "they" have expectations.
All I can do is be honest with myself, "To Thine Own self Be True" and then that will allow me to be honest with them.
Anytime I have confused "platonic love" for "romantic love" for someone else though has brought pain and confusion for everyone involved.
This is just me, but when "real" romantic love has ever entered the picture there was absolutely no confusion about what I was feeling.
Take your time, continue to work on yourself, give yourself time to "unfold", no need to rush anything, maybe this relationship will develop into something else, maybe he will be a close friend, just give yourself permission to take it slow, if you are "meant to be" nothing will keep you apart, and if you aren't, nothing will keep you together, and I have found if I was wondering, waiting was a good idea, then if we weren't "meant to be" the wreckage and fallout are much easier to deal with if we hadn't slept together.
You sound like you are exactly where you are meant to be, just because you don't want to jump in the hay with the first guy that rolls off the turnip truck and shows an interest in you doesn't make you "frigid" it makes you "normal" in my opinion.
second, "friendships" with members of the opposite sex have brought me confusion in the past in that there has been times I have almost put pressure on myself to "take it to the next level" when in fact all I felt was friendship and "platonic love" for this person, especially "friendships" where "they" have expectations.
All I can do is be honest with myself, "To Thine Own self Be True" and then that will allow me to be honest with them.
Anytime I have confused "platonic love" for "romantic love" for someone else though has brought pain and confusion for everyone involved.
This is just me, but when "real" romantic love has ever entered the picture there was absolutely no confusion about what I was feeling.
Take your time, continue to work on yourself, give yourself time to "unfold", no need to rush anything, maybe this relationship will develop into something else, maybe he will be a close friend, just give yourself permission to take it slow, if you are "meant to be" nothing will keep you apart, and if you aren't, nothing will keep you together, and I have found if I was wondering, waiting was a good idea, then if we weren't "meant to be" the wreckage and fallout are much easier to deal with if we hadn't slept together.
You sound like you are exactly where you are meant to be, just because you don't want to jump in the hay with the first guy that rolls off the turnip truck and shows an interest in you doesn't make you "frigid" it makes you "normal" in my opinion.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Ago is a smart guy. I too have been on both sides of that coin.
As far as women go, I think things are a little different as we (ladies) sometimes find platonic love is safe and for me I always like being friends first. Although, when you have the excitement of romantic love, boy is it worth waiting for.
As far as women go, I think things are a little different as we (ladies) sometimes find platonic love is safe and for me I always like being friends first. Although, when you have the excitement of romantic love, boy is it worth waiting for.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I don't really know what mature, healthy love looks like in the beginning.
I've never done things that way (more of a "head-over-heels, think-of-nothing else, butterflies, love-songs, and sweeping-confessions-of-eternal-commitment person, myself).
My way sure feels good in the beginning. We're not going to talk about the ending
But your description sounds like the start of something calm, thoughtful, and warm. It sounds "grown-up", but new.
I certainly don't think that you sound frigid (by any stretch) - you just sound like someone who's figuring out what you like, what he's got, if they match, if it's worth it. That probably takes some time.
Can you just relax and enjoy what you're feeling, right now, without trying to make yourself feel something else? It sounds like the only person putting pressure on you right now is you.
Take care. You'll figure it out.
-TC
I've never done things that way (more of a "head-over-heels, think-of-nothing else, butterflies, love-songs, and sweeping-confessions-of-eternal-commitment person, myself).
My way sure feels good in the beginning. We're not going to talk about the ending
But your description sounds like the start of something calm, thoughtful, and warm. It sounds "grown-up", but new.
I certainly don't think that you sound frigid (by any stretch) - you just sound like someone who's figuring out what you like, what he's got, if they match, if it's worth it. That probably takes some time.
Can you just relax and enjoy what you're feeling, right now, without trying to make yourself feel something else? It sounds like the only person putting pressure on you right now is you.
Take care. You'll figure it out.
-TC
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 11
I feel your pain. Unfortunately when you deal with AH for as many years as you have (myself also) you push any feelings you might have down so far as a survival mechanism. Some people call it cold and unfeeling but it truly is for your own survival. That wall you built up is probably very tall and very thick. You have some healing to do and issues to deal with and you will only do that in your own time. In my opinion you are asking too much of yourself. You will begin to feel in time and it won't all be good but feeling is better than the alternative whether it is good or bad. I found for myself that it just felt so good to fiinally feel something. Sad, glad, happy, mad, it's all good. Give yourself some time and focus on yourself. The rest will come.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Kingston, you could be writing my story. For quite a while after leaving my XABF of 7 years, who was both screwed up AND unfaithful, I felt I couldn't trust anyone enough to feel physically attracted to them. My skin was just too thick.
I eventually met this guy who was 100% healthy, and from a very healthy family. I didn't know what to do with that for a while. It felt....boring, really. I'd only ever been with drama and doubt and fear and chaos. Ever. Always. In my head, I had equated sexual attraction with the thrill of the unknown (lots of us humans label that kind of attraction-tension "love") and it took quite a while to re-wire that.
What did I want? There was a thread that TC posted quite a while back about how to deal with the physical craving for intimacy. I didn't possess that at first, but eventually it kicked in for me, months after the breakup. I wanted to have fun, to have a companion, and to have a fun, comfortable, loving physical relationship with someone who I respected and who wasn't an idiot. Didn't want a ring, didn't want that Scarlett O'Hara sweep-me-off-my-feet bullsh**, I just wanted a nice relationship in which I felt strong enough to walk away if I decided it wasn't healthy for me.
I had to approach it from a position of......I don't know how else to say this........predation. I had a desire, I wanted to fill it, and I knew how to do that in a way that didn't require trust, just respect, 100% honesty, and a certain amount of frivolity and play. It was definitely a set of muscles I'd never used before.
It took quite a while to reach that point with my relationship. But like your Friend, mine was patient, even funny about it. He knew I'd been badly burned and still was willing to be with me, be my friend, see where things went. He wouldnt' have waited forever for me to regain my footing (not being a codie, he didn't feel a need to "heal me") but there was nothing sexual for quite a long time, and it was okay with both of us. It was worth the wait; we've been together now for quite a few years, and I get emotionally healthier each year.
That's a rambling way to say, be patient with yourself, build your strength. Maybe explore whether you have no physical desires at all, or you have no physical desires FOR THIS GUY....are there small signs in him that are warning you off? Only you will know whether it's him, or it's everyone. Explore the kinds of people you're attracted to. Is healthy=boring?
I eventually met this guy who was 100% healthy, and from a very healthy family. I didn't know what to do with that for a while. It felt....boring, really. I'd only ever been with drama and doubt and fear and chaos. Ever. Always. In my head, I had equated sexual attraction with the thrill of the unknown (lots of us humans label that kind of attraction-tension "love") and it took quite a while to re-wire that.
What did I want? There was a thread that TC posted quite a while back about how to deal with the physical craving for intimacy. I didn't possess that at first, but eventually it kicked in for me, months after the breakup. I wanted to have fun, to have a companion, and to have a fun, comfortable, loving physical relationship with someone who I respected and who wasn't an idiot. Didn't want a ring, didn't want that Scarlett O'Hara sweep-me-off-my-feet bullsh**, I just wanted a nice relationship in which I felt strong enough to walk away if I decided it wasn't healthy for me.
I had to approach it from a position of......I don't know how else to say this........predation. I had a desire, I wanted to fill it, and I knew how to do that in a way that didn't require trust, just respect, 100% honesty, and a certain amount of frivolity and play. It was definitely a set of muscles I'd never used before.
It took quite a while to reach that point with my relationship. But like your Friend, mine was patient, even funny about it. He knew I'd been badly burned and still was willing to be with me, be my friend, see where things went. He wouldnt' have waited forever for me to regain my footing (not being a codie, he didn't feel a need to "heal me") but there was nothing sexual for quite a long time, and it was okay with both of us. It was worth the wait; we've been together now for quite a few years, and I get emotionally healthier each year.
That's a rambling way to say, be patient with yourself, build your strength. Maybe explore whether you have no physical desires at all, or you have no physical desires FOR THIS GUY....are there small signs in him that are warning you off? Only you will know whether it's him, or it's everyone. Explore the kinds of people you're attracted to. Is healthy=boring?
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Hi K...
Sounds like good advice here. Just chiming in to give you hugs...
personally, I am not ready for this yet...I still am attracted to the wrong men and have a propensity to involve myself with emotionally unavailable people. I realized that I have to play monk for a while.
Sounds like good advice here. Just chiming in to give you hugs...
personally, I am not ready for this yet...I still am attracted to the wrong men and have a propensity to involve myself with emotionally unavailable people. I realized that I have to play monk for a while.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I think it sounds like a terrific relationship. If he's willing to go at your pace, what's the problem?
I also think you "feel" plenty, maybe just not the feelings you think you should be having. That was the case with me.
I would do what I now do with everything - give it time. Today I believe love grows, it is not instantaneous. In the meantime, I meet with my therapist and work on the feelings I didn't want to face, either.
He sounds like a lovely man - enjoy him while he's in your life.
I also think you "feel" plenty, maybe just not the feelings you think you should be having. That was the case with me.
I would do what I now do with everything - give it time. Today I believe love grows, it is not instantaneous. In the meantime, I meet with my therapist and work on the feelings I didn't want to face, either.
He sounds like a lovely man - enjoy him while he's in your life.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Thanks everyone for your kind words, support and sharing. So a few random thoughts come to mind:
I'm exactly where I should be right now. I guess I was expecting to feel fireworks - just like I had in my other relationships. TC said it very well - "My way sure feels good in the beginning. We're not going to talk about the ending" My previous choices too have not been all that great. I don't have to put any pressure on myself - no one else is!
This is such a new concept for me, a loving respectful relationship. I don't have to "complete" him or vice versa, I don't have to fix anything, all so new.
I just might be for the first time in a "grown up mature" relationship. And no one is saying this is permanent, especially me so, again I'll work on the enjoy it for today principal.
"I wanted to have fun, to have a companion, and to have a fun, comfortable, loving physical relationship with someone who I respected and who wasn't an idiot. Didn't want a ring, didn't want that Scarlett O'Hara sweep-me-off-my-feet bullsh**, I just wanted a nice relationship in which I felt strong enough to walk away if I decided it wasn't healthy for me."
Thank you GiveLove, for some reason I thought I HAD to BE in love with this person to be with him. I don't, I just want to enjoy it. Seems to me this is what he wants also, I'm the one who is choosing to put pressure on myself - YIKES.
Thanks again everyone! K.
I'm exactly where I should be right now. I guess I was expecting to feel fireworks - just like I had in my other relationships. TC said it very well - "My way sure feels good in the beginning. We're not going to talk about the ending" My previous choices too have not been all that great. I don't have to put any pressure on myself - no one else is!
This is such a new concept for me, a loving respectful relationship. I don't have to "complete" him or vice versa, I don't have to fix anything, all so new.
I just might be for the first time in a "grown up mature" relationship. And no one is saying this is permanent, especially me so, again I'll work on the enjoy it for today principal.
"I wanted to have fun, to have a companion, and to have a fun, comfortable, loving physical relationship with someone who I respected and who wasn't an idiot. Didn't want a ring, didn't want that Scarlett O'Hara sweep-me-off-my-feet bullsh**, I just wanted a nice relationship in which I felt strong enough to walk away if I decided it wasn't healthy for me."
Thank you GiveLove, for some reason I thought I HAD to BE in love with this person to be with him. I don't, I just want to enjoy it. Seems to me this is what he wants also, I'm the one who is choosing to put pressure on myself - YIKES.
Thanks again everyone! K.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
The most blissful state in the world is when you can be yourself (your constantly-learning, doing-your-best self) and you can let someone else be themself (him: doing his best to support you AND himself) and just let go of any expectations or outcomes.
You may decide he's not a person you'll ever be in love with. That's fine.
He may decide he needs something else in his life, and may gracefully bow out. That's also fine.
When you can just let What Is Best For All happen, and you find your heart is still serene and strong, that is a drug rush that no artificial chemical can ever touch. It becomes its own addiction, but it's a good addiction.
You are well along on that road, K. You will be just fine -- enjoy the gifts you both have right now.
You may decide he's not a person you'll ever be in love with. That's fine.
He may decide he needs something else in his life, and may gracefully bow out. That's also fine.
When you can just let What Is Best For All happen, and you find your heart is still serene and strong, that is a drug rush that no artificial chemical can ever touch. It becomes its own addiction, but it's a good addiction.
You are well along on that road, K. You will be just fine -- enjoy the gifts you both have right now.
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