Trouble closing the door...
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Trouble closing the door...
Hi everyone,
It has been a while since I posted a thread. In fact, it has been a while since I have done anything other than remain in overdrive.
Friday, all the full force activity came to an end. I graduated with my Masters degree. Early mornings at work, Late evenings at class, Long nights writing, reading, and research came to a screeching halt in one day. I have been really frightened about this moment. As of yet, I have no idea if I have been accepted into a PhD program and won't know until March.
I have wrestled, twisted, and busied myself so I don't have to examine myself or my life or the demise of my marriage or the feelings that still remain for my husband or my deep sense of failure or all the darkest parts of myself. I crafted a house of cards to avoid this. I believe that I have done this my entire life.
As my final days were approaching, I saw that God, in His mysterious way, has arranged it for me to have some much needed time on my hands. No school assignments. No additional part time job. No acceptance or denial letters to give me an air of control over my life. No one living at my house. I am at the mercy of the higher power. So in these final days, I have indulged in bad habits and self destructive behavior, but either way, it is now here. The unavoidable has arrived.
...and I am sad, frightened, and feel intense emotions that I have long stuffed down behind the guise of "fine" and "okay". Today, I miss my husband. I missed him yesterday too. I have such feelings of incredible guilt, longing, fear, anger, and dislike for myself.
Circumstances arranged today that I saw my husband and we exchanged a hug. The feelings are so conflicting for me. The holidays are almost here. For the first time in 31 years, I hate them. I don't have my tree up. I can hardly listen to X-mas music. I have no spirit at all.
I know I should be looking forward to this time to embrace this period of self discovery, but I am not. I hate it. I don't want it. If you have ever seen the Matrix, then you will know what I mean when I say, I should have swallowed the blue pill.
I guess, I just needed to write and put it out there...
Missed you guys...
It has been a while since I posted a thread. In fact, it has been a while since I have done anything other than remain in overdrive.
Friday, all the full force activity came to an end. I graduated with my Masters degree. Early mornings at work, Late evenings at class, Long nights writing, reading, and research came to a screeching halt in one day. I have been really frightened about this moment. As of yet, I have no idea if I have been accepted into a PhD program and won't know until March.
I have wrestled, twisted, and busied myself so I don't have to examine myself or my life or the demise of my marriage or the feelings that still remain for my husband or my deep sense of failure or all the darkest parts of myself. I crafted a house of cards to avoid this. I believe that I have done this my entire life.
As my final days were approaching, I saw that God, in His mysterious way, has arranged it for me to have some much needed time on my hands. No school assignments. No additional part time job. No acceptance or denial letters to give me an air of control over my life. No one living at my house. I am at the mercy of the higher power. So in these final days, I have indulged in bad habits and self destructive behavior, but either way, it is now here. The unavoidable has arrived.
...and I am sad, frightened, and feel intense emotions that I have long stuffed down behind the guise of "fine" and "okay". Today, I miss my husband. I missed him yesterday too. I have such feelings of incredible guilt, longing, fear, anger, and dislike for myself.
Circumstances arranged today that I saw my husband and we exchanged a hug. The feelings are so conflicting for me. The holidays are almost here. For the first time in 31 years, I hate them. I don't have my tree up. I can hardly listen to X-mas music. I have no spirit at all.
I know I should be looking forward to this time to embrace this period of self discovery, but I am not. I hate it. I don't want it. If you have ever seen the Matrix, then you will know what I mean when I say, I should have swallowed the blue pill.
I guess, I just needed to write and put it out there...
Missed you guys...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
First, congrats on your Masters! That is wonderful!
I know well the discomfort that results when I avoid looking inside me at something that very much needs to be looked at. All I can say is that it is my experience that, while it can initially be painful to take that look inside, working through it has been well worth the time, pain and effort. {hugs}
I know well the discomfort that results when I avoid looking inside me at something that very much needs to be looked at. All I can say is that it is my experience that, while it can initially be painful to take that look inside, working through it has been well worth the time, pain and effort. {hugs}
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Congratulations on the Masters!!
Change/recovery is painful at first. Stay the course. I didn't have the energy to put on a front for the first holidays and so what?
Hang in there Silverberry. Sending lots of love your way.
Change/recovery is painful at first. Stay the course. I didn't have the energy to put on a front for the first holidays and so what?
Hang in there Silverberry. Sending lots of love your way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Congratulations, silverberry. You've worked SO hard on this and we're so proud of you.
Not surprising at all that your feelings of missing your husband and feeling lost, lonely, etc. corresponded with "circumstances bringing you together." No coincidence there. It happens to all of us who try hard to maintain our nearly-no-contact and let our guard down.
I throw a blanket of busyness over the hardest emotions to deal with. They can sit there for months or years while I scurry from thing to thing. Strip that blanket away, and it's like the loud music that's been playing in your head for months, drowning out all of the other frightening sounds, just STOPS. In the silence, I feel naked and exposed..........but only for a while.
Do you have a counselor? Can you use these days to do some intense inner work? Can you busy yourself working with people who are actually TRYING to overcome their difficulties, so your hugs and support will fall on fertile soil instead of......well......instead of on your husband, whose presence in your life only causes chaos and damage?
Not surprising at all that your feelings of missing your husband and feeling lost, lonely, etc. corresponded with "circumstances bringing you together." No coincidence there. It happens to all of us who try hard to maintain our nearly-no-contact and let our guard down.
I throw a blanket of busyness over the hardest emotions to deal with. They can sit there for months or years while I scurry from thing to thing. Strip that blanket away, and it's like the loud music that's been playing in your head for months, drowning out all of the other frightening sounds, just STOPS. In the silence, I feel naked and exposed..........but only for a while.
Do you have a counselor? Can you use these days to do some intense inner work? Can you busy yourself working with people who are actually TRYING to overcome their difficulties, so your hugs and support will fall on fertile soil instead of......well......instead of on your husband, whose presence in your life only causes chaos and damage?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Well all I can say is 
I know what you mean about dreading and hating this time. Freedom is right and I still have to remind myself all the time that I am where I am supposed to be. I don't know why any HP would want me to stay where I am but It seems that no matter how hard I try I can't change my circumstances. You got a freakin' MASTER'S degree!!!! Gawwwwd! That's so awesome. Just think about what you might be able to accomplish if you weren't running from something...Look out!!!
Oh and Anvil...that is some list!!
I know what you mean about dreading and hating this time. Freedom is right and I still have to remind myself all the time that I am where I am supposed to be. I don't know why any HP would want me to stay where I am but It seems that no matter how hard I try I can't change my circumstances. You got a freakin' MASTER'S degree!!!! Gawwwwd! That's so awesome. Just think about what you might be able to accomplish if you weren't running from something...Look out!!!Oh and Anvil...that is some list!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Sometimes we just feel like crap. It stinks. We can't go around it unless we want to inflict more pain on our psyches. Better to go through the he!! than try to stave it off.
I will be glad when Christmas is over. While you're feeling the pain of missing your husband, I am surviving yet another Christmas with someone who thinks the meaning of the holiday season is to stock up on tons of booze and consume it all in the shortest time possible.
I, too, use school as a way to avoid facing the issues. Keeping my mind occupied and studying every waking hour helps ... until the semester ends.
However, look at what you have accomplished. A Master's degree is no small task! Treat yourself to something nice. Feelings are not permanent; they are fleeting and changeable. Press forward to the good things that lie ahead for you. I assure you, that having been in a pit myself, I can attest to the fact that we don't stay in the pit forever - it just seems that way.
I will be glad when Christmas is over. While you're feeling the pain of missing your husband, I am surviving yet another Christmas with someone who thinks the meaning of the holiday season is to stock up on tons of booze and consume it all in the shortest time possible.
I, too, use school as a way to avoid facing the issues. Keeping my mind occupied and studying every waking hour helps ... until the semester ends.
However, look at what you have accomplished. A Master's degree is no small task! Treat yourself to something nice. Feelings are not permanent; they are fleeting and changeable. Press forward to the good things that lie ahead for you. I assure you, that having been in a pit myself, I can attest to the fact that we don't stay in the pit forever - it just seems that way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Silverberry - big congratulations on your degree. Thank you for sharing about your fear of self-examination. I can see myself in your words. What are we so afraid of? There is no way it can be as bad as the distractions we create or endure? You're insights always move and inspire me. Thank you.
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331 
...and I am sad, frightened, and feel intense emotions that I have long stuffed down behind the guise of "fine" and "okay". Today, I miss my husband. I missed him yesterday too. I have such feelings of incredible guilt, longing, fear, anger, and dislike for myself...I know I should be looking forward to this time to embrace this period of self discovery, but I am not. I hate it. I don't want it. If you have ever seen the Matrix, then you will know what I mean when I say, I should have swallowed the blue pill.
All I can say is I'm going to start praying like I haven't before. I'll pray for you as I'm begging God for serenity and sanity in these hours that feel so dark and suffocating.
(((SB)))
Don't give up!
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Thank you all for the vital support and insight...
I realize that this period of self-examination is necessary. If I am ever going to have any semblance of a "normal" life (by normal I mean being able to maintain an overall healthy outlook on life, healthy relationships, and healthy self esteem), then this period is necessary.
Anvil---your list is so helpful. I realized after reading it, that part of the reason I am so afraid is because I don't even KNOW what I am feeling. I am going to print your list and use it to identify what I am feeling. I have been using the "fine" and "okay" standbys for so long that I don't know what I am experiencing.
The holidays have been hard as Don and I always created an atmosphere of festivity when decorating our tree and so forth. Despite the fact that his depression always worsened around this time of the year, whenever we had an unusual happening outside the "routine" such as holidays, anniversaries, vacations, birthdays, we were extraordinarily close and problems seemed to disappear temporarily.
Plus, I am lamenting over a lost love. I loved this man. The disease I didn't love, but the man I did and do. I thought separating the man from the disease, which is something I am learning in Al Anon would make things easier, but it doesn't. It was just easier to dehumanize him when I lumped the two together. I could chalk him up to be an inconsiderate, ba$tard drunk/addict and be done with it. Another covering mechanism on my emotions....
I realize that this period of self-examination is necessary. If I am ever going to have any semblance of a "normal" life (by normal I mean being able to maintain an overall healthy outlook on life, healthy relationships, and healthy self esteem), then this period is necessary.
Anvil---your list is so helpful. I realized after reading it, that part of the reason I am so afraid is because I don't even KNOW what I am feeling. I am going to print your list and use it to identify what I am feeling. I have been using the "fine" and "okay" standbys for so long that I don't know what I am experiencing.
The holidays have been hard as Don and I always created an atmosphere of festivity when decorating our tree and so forth. Despite the fact that his depression always worsened around this time of the year, whenever we had an unusual happening outside the "routine" such as holidays, anniversaries, vacations, birthdays, we were extraordinarily close and problems seemed to disappear temporarily.
Plus, I am lamenting over a lost love. I loved this man. The disease I didn't love, but the man I did and do. I thought separating the man from the disease, which is something I am learning in Al Anon would make things easier, but it doesn't. It was just easier to dehumanize him when I lumped the two together. I could chalk him up to be an inconsiderate, ba$tard drunk/addict and be done with it. Another covering mechanism on my emotions....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Silverberry))) I am so jealous! ;o) I am working on my Master's and see no end in sight- doing it the one class a semester way! You rock!!! I have the same "problem" you have- doing waaaaay too much in order to keep busy so I'm not feeling.
Today I am seeing my counselor, and I can tell I am chewing on something, but I'm not sure what. I'm sure she'll help me figure it out. I would have to say that counseling has been the single most helpful form of self care for me. It seems to accelerate getting through some of the more painful times. I hope you will take this break to discover some things about yourself. I remember reading something you posted about not liking yourself- and that was a real hard one for me too. I always thought I did like myself- but then I had to face the fact that I allowed myself to be abused by my STBXAH- why? Finding the answers has been hard, but I am willing to go through this because I want to be healthy. I will not let the 2 most unhealthy- yet important- men (dad and STBXAH) in my life hold me down and define me. I've recently been to the "Women's Studies" section of a bookstore here to start working on being the strong woman I want to be. Read, read, read, share, write, listen, repeat. Take care!
Today I am seeing my counselor, and I can tell I am chewing on something, but I'm not sure what. I'm sure she'll help me figure it out. I would have to say that counseling has been the single most helpful form of self care for me. It seems to accelerate getting through some of the more painful times. I hope you will take this break to discover some things about yourself. I remember reading something you posted about not liking yourself- and that was a real hard one for me too. I always thought I did like myself- but then I had to face the fact that I allowed myself to be abused by my STBXAH- why? Finding the answers has been hard, but I am willing to go through this because I want to be healthy. I will not let the 2 most unhealthy- yet important- men (dad and STBXAH) in my life hold me down and define me. I've recently been to the "Women's Studies" section of a bookstore here to start working on being the strong woman I want to be. Read, read, read, share, write, listen, repeat. Take care!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
I thought separating the man from the disease, which is something I am learning in Al Anon would make things easier, but it doesn't.
For me, separating the two as if it were two different people doesn't work. I can separate the disease aspect of it and all that goes with it. But the addict and the man are one and the same.
((( )))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
CONGRATULATIONS Silverberry! What an accomplishment! Good for you.
This time of year is proving hard for me also! I have had my X on my mind for a couple of weeks, PLUS he's beent rying to call.......I just don't answer. I KNOW if I give in than I will feel sorry for him again and end up on the same dead end street we were on. It's hard though. I, too, will be glad when it is all over with this year. I can't get into the holiday spirit either.......also decided on the no-deco this year. Don't really want to hassle with it.
Keep your chin up....this too shall pass. That's what everyone keeps telling me anyway.
This time of year is proving hard for me also! I have had my X on my mind for a couple of weeks, PLUS he's beent rying to call.......I just don't answer. I KNOW if I give in than I will feel sorry for him again and end up on the same dead end street we were on. It's hard though. I, too, will be glad when it is all over with this year. I can't get into the holiday spirit either.......also decided on the no-deco this year. Don't really want to hassle with it.
Keep your chin up....this too shall pass. That's what everyone keeps telling me anyway.
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Thanks to all for your encouragement.
Denny, I had been thinking about what you said. There is a paradox there because you are so correct and I am correct. It is important for me to keep these things in perspective. I know from your posts that you are much farther along in your recovery than I am.
I had an email conversation with a friend about this subject this morning....This thread, my friend's input, and your response have been immensely benefical...I am figuring out:
For me, separating the person from the disease has showed me something. When I didn't separate him from the disease, it allowed me to not examine myself due to my dehumanization of him. When I dehumanized Don it was easy to separate myself without further examination. I could rationalize that he gave me no other choice but to separate with him because he was being a horrible monster--I was FORCED into these choices. If I claimed his humanity, I have to admit to myself that I am choosing to put myself first for a change...that my choices are going to cause pain on his part (even if it is of his own making) because he has a disease rather than he IS a disease. As a codie, putting myself first AND hurting someone in the process (even for self preservation sake) have all been no no's for me. Finally, I now have to admit that I am mourning the loss of a love rather than remaining self-righteous in my anger to my ba$tard drunk husband. I can allow myself to reconcile the parts of me that love this man along with the parts that hate him.
I hope that in time, I can come full circle and reconcile the two: the disease being both separate AND not separate from the man. I believe that I have a way to go still...hence, alot of icky self examination which I have been trying to avoid in the first place.
Thanks for making me think.
Paj...YOU TOO!
Hugs to all
Denny, I had been thinking about what you said. There is a paradox there because you are so correct and I am correct. It is important for me to keep these things in perspective. I know from your posts that you are much farther along in your recovery than I am.
I had an email conversation with a friend about this subject this morning....This thread, my friend's input, and your response have been immensely benefical...I am figuring out:
For me, separating the person from the disease has showed me something. When I didn't separate him from the disease, it allowed me to not examine myself due to my dehumanization of him. When I dehumanized Don it was easy to separate myself without further examination. I could rationalize that he gave me no other choice but to separate with him because he was being a horrible monster--I was FORCED into these choices. If I claimed his humanity, I have to admit to myself that I am choosing to put myself first for a change...that my choices are going to cause pain on his part (even if it is of his own making) because he has a disease rather than he IS a disease. As a codie, putting myself first AND hurting someone in the process (even for self preservation sake) have all been no no's for me. Finally, I now have to admit that I am mourning the loss of a love rather than remaining self-righteous in my anger to my ba$tard drunk husband. I can allow myself to reconcile the parts of me that love this man along with the parts that hate him.
I hope that in time, I can come full circle and reconcile the two: the disease being both separate AND not separate from the man. I believe that I have a way to go still...hence, alot of icky self examination which I have been trying to avoid in the first place.
Thanks for making me think.
Paj...YOU TOO! Hugs to all
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Wise silverberry, as always You always eventually figure it out for yourself, I've watched you.
Separating the human being from the drunk/addict was necessary for me to really find my humanity. Learning from what I felt for the human being in "him" helped form my compass to what I truly wanted out of a relationship.
I came to realize that I could not live with the very human man who also had the drunk/abuser/addict living in his body, or possibly eventually moving back to live in it. It was the hardest realization I ever faced.
But from seeing "him" as human and logging my feelings there, I learned the recipe for what I needed from a romantic relationship: someone who shared holidays the way I wanted to, someone to be my partner, friend, movie buddy, laugh track, sous chef, pitching coach, fierce pack member, quiet companion.
It couldnt' be him. But now I had a road map. That, and my recovery tools, led me to where I am now.....a very, very happy person in a life I love.
I hope I can join you & Kingston for hot chocolate at 9:00?
Hugs to you as you work your way through this.
Love,
GL
You always eventually figure it out for yourself, I've watched you.Separating the human being from the drunk/addict was necessary for me to really find my humanity. Learning from what I felt for the human being in "him" helped form my compass to what I truly wanted out of a relationship.
I came to realize that I could not live with the very human man who also had the drunk/abuser/addict living in his body, or possibly eventually moving back to live in it. It was the hardest realization I ever faced.
But from seeing "him" as human and logging my feelings there, I learned the recipe for what I needed from a romantic relationship: someone who shared holidays the way I wanted to, someone to be my partner, friend, movie buddy, laugh track, sous chef, pitching coach, fierce pack member, quiet companion.
It couldnt' be him. But now I had a road map. That, and my recovery tools, led me to where I am now.....a very, very happy person in a life I love.
I hope I can join you & Kingston for hot chocolate at 9:00?
Hugs to you as you work your way through this.
Love,
GL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
For me, separating the person from the disease has showed me something. When I didn't separate him from the disease, it allowed me to not examine myself due to my dehumanization of him. When I dehumanized Don it was easy to separate myself without further examination. I could rationalize that he gave me no other choice but to separate with him because he was being a horrible monster--I was FORCED into these choices. If I claimed his humanity, I have to admit to myself that I am choosing to put myself first for a change...that my choices are going to cause pain on his part (even if it is of his own making) because he has a disease rather than he IS a disease. As a codie, putting myself first AND hurting someone in the process (even for self preservation sake) have all been no no's for me. Finally, I now have to admit that I am mourning the loss of a love rather than remaining self-righteous in my anger to my ba$tard drunk husband. I can allow myself to reconcile the parts of me that love this man along with the parts that hate him.
It also sounds like you are onto something. ((()))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
The "Blue Pill" stopped working, you were taking it all along, it just doesn't work any more.
The "Red Pill" and the following Journey is terrifying and lonely, but oh so much more rewarding and fulfilling
I always think of Gandalf and Frodo in The mines of Moria though
YouTube - The Lord Of The Rings.The Fellowship of the Ring (part 14)
skip ahead to 5:30 (I personally like the whole scene which starts at 4:00) but Gandalf saying that we none of us get to choose our circumstances, only how we handle them, there is so much love and compassion in his voice, I play this clip when things are particularly difficult for me.
just reading your posts I am so proud of what you have accomplished and are accomplishing, I know that "in the meantime, it's a mean time" but I have "been you" and I have "seen you" in meetings, so in in a very real way, like "The Who" say in Quadrophenia, "I have lived your future out" and your future is good, full of love, and soon you will be pulling those up behind you that are in your shoes now, women who need you, women who don't believe there is a way out, and your experience, strength and hope will be what gets them through their tough time and gives them hope, for now just "do the next right thing" and know you truly are an inspiration to us all and we are all very proud of you above and beyond your "schoolwork" I mean that's cool and everything, but it's the steps you are taking to take control of your emotional life that we (I) are really proud of.
The "Red Pill" and the following Journey is terrifying and lonely, but oh so much more rewarding and fulfilling
I always think of Gandalf and Frodo in The mines of Moria though
YouTube - The Lord Of The Rings.The Fellowship of the Ring (part 14)
skip ahead to 5:30 (I personally like the whole scene which starts at 4:00) but Gandalf saying that we none of us get to choose our circumstances, only how we handle them, there is so much love and compassion in his voice, I play this clip when things are particularly difficult for me.
just reading your posts I am so proud of what you have accomplished and are accomplishing, I know that "in the meantime, it's a mean time" but I have "been you" and I have "seen you" in meetings, so in in a very real way, like "The Who" say in Quadrophenia, "I have lived your future out" and your future is good, full of love, and soon you will be pulling those up behind you that are in your shoes now, women who need you, women who don't believe there is a way out, and your experience, strength and hope will be what gets them through their tough time and gives them hope, for now just "do the next right thing" and know you truly are an inspiration to us all and we are all very proud of you above and beyond your "schoolwork" I mean that's cool and everything, but it's the steps you are taking to take control of your emotional life that we (I) are really proud of.
Last edited by Ago; 12-16-2008 at 11:29 AM.
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