I've Stopped Protecting Him and I'm Scared ...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
I've Stopped Protecting Him and I'm Scared ...
Sorry for 2 posts tonight but in one I was introducing myself and situation and in this one I need to discuss what actually finally brought me here.
I got him to move out 6 months ago, but we own a duplex and my sister and her husband and children moved into the other side. They had a run of bad luck when her husband got injured and haven't been able to pay rent. Now I have no other choice but to move the AH back in here with me because finances are so tight. He's angry and wants to kick them out, but they are still planning to pay me as soon as they're back on their feet and there are so many things that must be done before selling the house in the worst time to try to sell one in the first place.
Anyway - he had a heart attack several months back and I thought it was his rock bottom / turning point. He was doing pretty well for a little while, but lapsed when he realized he could drink and still wake up in the morning. Now it's back to the heavy whiskey drinking and I don't want him back here like that but financially I'm in a bind.
He called his daughters (from his apartment tonight) and was so hammered that they are furious. He had been fooling them into believing that after the heart attack he'd quit drinking and smoking. They're livid that he's been lying to them and of course I've been covering (the great enabler). Not that they've asked me - but I haven't offered up the info. He likes to tell me his wishes every night - in case he doesn't wake up in the morning. Sure - I'm having great sleeps after listening to that!
Anyway - one daughter called me tonight to ask me and I told her the whole truth. He's going to be very angry at me for explaining the whole situation to his daughter. THIS WILL BE WAR, when he finds out that I've blown his cover. He will go for the jugular (do everything he can to make my life more miserable than it already is) and instead of sleeping right now, I'm anticipating how I will deal with this war. Part of me just wants this over so badly that I don't care about whatever smear campaign he wants to go with - to blame me for everything and make sure that everyone thinks it is all MY fault in the end and another part is scared of dealing with this situation. There have always been underlying threats of what he would do if I were to take a stand and I know I'm about to face them, because I have had enough! I believe I'm REALLY at my rock bottom now and it's time to face the music. I have to believe that as long as he doesn't kill me - I will survive. It's not that I'm worried he will - but actually I really am not sure what he would do when feeling threatened by this ... does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this matter and stay strong?
I got him to move out 6 months ago, but we own a duplex and my sister and her husband and children moved into the other side. They had a run of bad luck when her husband got injured and haven't been able to pay rent. Now I have no other choice but to move the AH back in here with me because finances are so tight. He's angry and wants to kick them out, but they are still planning to pay me as soon as they're back on their feet and there are so many things that must be done before selling the house in the worst time to try to sell one in the first place.
Anyway - he had a heart attack several months back and I thought it was his rock bottom / turning point. He was doing pretty well for a little while, but lapsed when he realized he could drink and still wake up in the morning. Now it's back to the heavy whiskey drinking and I don't want him back here like that but financially I'm in a bind.
He called his daughters (from his apartment tonight) and was so hammered that they are furious. He had been fooling them into believing that after the heart attack he'd quit drinking and smoking. They're livid that he's been lying to them and of course I've been covering (the great enabler). Not that they've asked me - but I haven't offered up the info. He likes to tell me his wishes every night - in case he doesn't wake up in the morning. Sure - I'm having great sleeps after listening to that!
Anyway - one daughter called me tonight to ask me and I told her the whole truth. He's going to be very angry at me for explaining the whole situation to his daughter. THIS WILL BE WAR, when he finds out that I've blown his cover. He will go for the jugular (do everything he can to make my life more miserable than it already is) and instead of sleeping right now, I'm anticipating how I will deal with this war. Part of me just wants this over so badly that I don't care about whatever smear campaign he wants to go with - to blame me for everything and make sure that everyone thinks it is all MY fault in the end and another part is scared of dealing with this situation. There have always been underlying threats of what he would do if I were to take a stand and I know I'm about to face them, because I have had enough! I believe I'm REALLY at my rock bottom now and it's time to face the music. I have to believe that as long as he doesn't kill me - I will survive. It's not that I'm worried he will - but actually I really am not sure what he would do when feeling threatened by this ... does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this matter and stay strong?
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by dazednconfuzed 
Now I have no other choice but to move the AH back in here with me because finances are so tight.
He will go for the jugular (do everything he can to make my life more miserable than it already is) and instead of sleeping right now, I'm anticipating how I will deal with this war.
There have always been underlying threats of what he would do if I were to take a stand and I know I'm about to face them, because I have had enough!
He will go for the jugular (do everything he can to make my life more miserable than it already is) and instead of sleeping right now, I'm anticipating how I will deal with this war.
There have always been underlying threats of what he would do if I were to take a stand and I know I'm about to face them, because I have had enough!
There are so many people facing foreclosure on their homes, and I can understand you wanting to help out your family who is living there. But with this man .... there HAS to be another solution to your situation.
Please consider other solutions before you allow someone back in your life who is such a threat. Be safe and take care!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Prodigal just said it for me. Read your post twice as I couldn't believe it the first time.
If I was so sure that I was about to get it in the neck BIGTIME from my ex, believe me I would not be letting him within cooee of me or my home, unless I suddenly developed a death wish. Take whatever action you need firstly to safeguard and protect yourself, then look at options for handling the financial problems with your duplex.
You have enough on your plate already, and don't need to invite Mr Trouble in to add to the mix.
God bless
If I was so sure that I was about to get it in the neck BIGTIME from my ex, believe me I would not be letting him within cooee of me or my home, unless I suddenly developed a death wish. Take whatever action you need firstly to safeguard and protect yourself, then look at options for handling the financial problems with your duplex.
You have enough on your plate already, and don't need to invite Mr Trouble in to add to the mix.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
There were times in my previous relationship with my AH that I was just as sick as he was. From reading your post it sounds to me like that is where you are now.
Re read your post. I would often do this with my journal and then ask myself if my best friend or child told me this story what would I tell her. Please for your own sanity and safety look after yourself, protect yourself.
What's in it for you to allow him back in your life?
There are some great posts here on SR, keep reading and posting. K.
Re read your post. I would often do this with my journal and then ask myself if my best friend or child told me this story what would I tell her. Please for your own sanity and safety look after yourself, protect yourself.
What's in it for you to allow him back in your life?
There are some great posts here on SR, keep reading and posting. K.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Wanted to go back and re-check your intro.
LISTEN, please, it is better to let your duplex go into foreclosure than to let the ABUSIVE, VOLATILE, DRUNKEN man be in the same place as you.
One night mine went into a fury, he folded me over the couch with his knees holding me down, then punched me into the back of my head until I wept, spit snot and knowing that is where the optic center is told him STOP, I can't SEE, you have made me blind, he chuckled and said you ought to be unconscious by now then he put his other hand over my nose and mouth so that I could not breathe. I bit his hand as hard as I could.
He drug me in the other room and tied me up. Then went out and disabled my car.
Fortunately I, at wit's end and in real fear for my life, overdid the hysteria, blowing snot out my nose and anything I could think of while he was tying me up, and twisting around etc and he did not tie my hand tightly enough. While he was out, I quickly and frantically slipped out of the hand ties, untied my feet and snuck out the back door.
It was winter, freezing and we had alot of rainfall. I laid hidden in the woods for a very long time until he discovered me missing, when he took the car down the road to look for me, I ran fast and low to my car, open the door and inch and grabbed my black coat,
I covered my self with it and low crawled a mile to the nearest neighbor. He was searching for me the entire time.
After that he stalked me. I got a bodyguard for 4 months. That did not stop him. I was in a mobile home and one night, even tho we thought we had put up enough motion lights so that no one could get past, he located where I was sitting and threw a punch at my head. He also frequently let himself in when I was asleep. Or at odd times. I had a restraining order. That was a challenge. I had security escorts at work, but he would always drive by when I arrived at work. Sometimes went through my car. One night he tailed me driving home and I took some last minute turns and around the blocks and went to my grown daughters. Eventually I moved 1000 miles away.
Anyway that night he went back and set up a scene. He told the police I threw a vase at him and when he tried to phone the police I ripped it out and bit his hand. I was arrested!
I did not live with him, there was a problem and I went over there to resolve it.
A rage like that....anything can happen.
First I could have been knocked unconscious, he meant to and I could be brain damaged or really blind. He could have suffocated me. Don't know what he meant to do to me tied up??? Don't want to know. I could have died of exposure escaping.
Bricks and wood are not worth that. They really aren't. I had known him for 5 years, I knew there would be an argument, never did I think he would almost kill me. At least that night I didn't.
After that I knew he never intended to stop terrorizing me, no matter changing jobs etc, moving in with my daughter, changing jobs again, calling police etc etc etc.
He did not intend to let me get away.
PLEASE, first and foremost protect your safety. WHATEVER that takes.
The FIRST time can also be the LAST time. I hope I have really, really scared you.
Because you have every reason to believe that what happened to me may happen to you. And I was lucky. The statistics for the women that are killed are heart-stopping.
LISTEN, please, it is better to let your duplex go into foreclosure than to let the ABUSIVE, VOLATILE, DRUNKEN man be in the same place as you.
One night mine went into a fury, he folded me over the couch with his knees holding me down, then punched me into the back of my head until I wept, spit snot and knowing that is where the optic center is told him STOP, I can't SEE, you have made me blind, he chuckled and said you ought to be unconscious by now then he put his other hand over my nose and mouth so that I could not breathe. I bit his hand as hard as I could.
He drug me in the other room and tied me up. Then went out and disabled my car.
Fortunately I, at wit's end and in real fear for my life, overdid the hysteria, blowing snot out my nose and anything I could think of while he was tying me up, and twisting around etc and he did not tie my hand tightly enough. While he was out, I quickly and frantically slipped out of the hand ties, untied my feet and snuck out the back door.
It was winter, freezing and we had alot of rainfall. I laid hidden in the woods for a very long time until he discovered me missing, when he took the car down the road to look for me, I ran fast and low to my car, open the door and inch and grabbed my black coat,
I covered my self with it and low crawled a mile to the nearest neighbor. He was searching for me the entire time.
After that he stalked me. I got a bodyguard for 4 months. That did not stop him. I was in a mobile home and one night, even tho we thought we had put up enough motion lights so that no one could get past, he located where I was sitting and threw a punch at my head. He also frequently let himself in when I was asleep. Or at odd times. I had a restraining order. That was a challenge. I had security escorts at work, but he would always drive by when I arrived at work. Sometimes went through my car. One night he tailed me driving home and I took some last minute turns and around the blocks and went to my grown daughters. Eventually I moved 1000 miles away.
Anyway that night he went back and set up a scene. He told the police I threw a vase at him and when he tried to phone the police I ripped it out and bit his hand. I was arrested!
I did not live with him, there was a problem and I went over there to resolve it.
A rage like that....anything can happen.
First I could have been knocked unconscious, he meant to and I could be brain damaged or really blind. He could have suffocated me. Don't know what he meant to do to me tied up??? Don't want to know. I could have died of exposure escaping.
Bricks and wood are not worth that. They really aren't. I had known him for 5 years, I knew there would be an argument, never did I think he would almost kill me. At least that night I didn't.
After that I knew he never intended to stop terrorizing me, no matter changing jobs etc, moving in with my daughter, changing jobs again, calling police etc etc etc.
He did not intend to let me get away.
PLEASE, first and foremost protect your safety. WHATEVER that takes.
The FIRST time can also be the LAST time. I hope I have really, really scared you.
Because you have every reason to believe that what happened to me may happen to you. And I was lucky. The statistics for the women that are killed are heart-stopping.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
There had only been two "minor incidents" of physical abuse in the 5 years previous, he beat me with his verbal lashings. And did it very well.
So, I had no indicator that this kind of physical abuse might occur, you HAVE!
So, I had no indicator that this kind of physical abuse might occur, you HAVE!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
dazed, why is your sister and her family living there without paying rent? I understand her husband is injured, but can't they pay ANYTHING? Can she get a job? If they had their own house and a mortgage, they would have to pay it, if they were renting from someone else they would have to keep paying, can't they even pay some rent and catch up on arrears later?
I'm sorry you are going through this, I don't have much advice for you, but this point jumped out at me...
I'm sorry you are going through this, I don't have much advice for you, but this point jumped out at me...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
Dazed..
I'm new here too and with great fortune do not have the same problemsas you do. PLEASE listen to the advice to stay put, DO NOT let him back in the house, and DO NOT worry about foreclosure. It normally takes 12-18 months to be removed from your home AFTER your mortgage holder files for foreclosure. That can give you up to two years to figure something out, or get your finances turned around. In this economic climate, there is a new willingness by mortgage holders to find alternate solutions to foreclosure as well. Take care of yourself and your family first!!
I'm new here too and with great fortune do not have the same problemsas you do. PLEASE listen to the advice to stay put, DO NOT let him back in the house, and DO NOT worry about foreclosure. It normally takes 12-18 months to be removed from your home AFTER your mortgage holder files for foreclosure. That can give you up to two years to figure something out, or get your finances turned around. In this economic climate, there is a new willingness by mortgage holders to find alternate solutions to foreclosure as well. Take care of yourself and your family first!!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by dazednconfuzed
actually I really am not sure what he would do when feeling threatened by this ... does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this matter and stay strong?
Don't
- talk to him
- move him in
- run interference with his children or other relatives
- think about him
The more of your time and energy you give to this situation the more crazy you and he will get I guarantee it. I know it is not easy to stop doing these things believe me oh please believe me I know. The thing is you have no space in your own head right now cause it is filled with everyone else's stuff. Be kind to yourself. You do not need to hear any body else's BS.
Try to give yourself one whole day where you refuse to be a part of listening, seeing, or sympathizing with someone else especially when you know they are just going to give you some kind of BS that can wait.
Heck just try it for 10 minutes at a time. Screen your phone calls and decide if you want to talk or not. Most likely most of your calls are non emergency type things. Don't answer the door, Go somewhere fun or even exciting do something good for yourself. Go to a cosmetic counter in a fancy department store and get a free make over...go a fancy snack counter and get a bagel with some kind cool cream cheese heck give yourself some kind of break I am going to be mad at you if you don't.:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by tennesseedream
It normally takes 12-18 months to be removed from your home AFTER your mortgage holder files for foreclosure.
Having said that, I was perfectly willing to let the hosue go to foreclosure as a price I had to pay to get out of my bad marriage. I knew I could recover from the financial hit. I knew I had to get out of the marriage.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
Thank YOU!
To all of you who have been kind enough to offer me your advice and suggestions. I need this support more than you can ever imagine.
I've been trying SO hard to hold on to what I have because I am now on disability and didn't want to end up carrying such a huge debt load, but now I see that the load I am carrying instead by 'maintaining the status quo' is FAR worse.
He is such a great liar that he will not only turn everyone against me, but fabricate stories that will make me look like a monster and a loser and the cause for his drinking and everything he can possibly think of. These have been underlying threats for a very long time. Two of his 3 daughters have already been convinced that I am the problem for everything happening as it has. Yes - I have been an enabler, and I take full responsibility for that, but I don't take responsibility for his drinking or rage.
As long as he can get away with doing these (which he can), he will have no reason to hurt me. He will also make it harder for me in every avenue he can. All the debts are in my name, but the cars are in his so I will have no car. We are not married and so I will have to fight harder through the court system if I want it to end up 50/50. (I know how stupid I have been, but as was mentioned here - I've been trying to survive and haven't had time to be smart). Every time I tried to take the right measures, I've been hairpinned at every turn.
I am also in terrible pain every day and can't think because of it. This doesn't make me very smart. I've had to make all the major decisions and carry everyone and I'm so overloaded that I can't take care of myself anymore.
Yes - my sister is trying all she can and giving me whatever she can, when she can and they will be coming in to some money through an inheritance and eventually will be able to pay me back. It's stressful for me too, but nothing is as stressful as having to deal with him.
I'm going to face this, no matter what happens. I honestly feel like I'm dying anyway - both physically and emotionally and I think that if I can get through this I will have my life back and if I can't - I don't want it anyway.
Otherwise, the stress will kill me. His threats are far worse and more frightening to me than anything. They are all just control tactics and if I feel any more threatened than that - I believe I'll have enough warning to get into a shelter. No - he will take me down in other ways, and I'd be more likely to die from the stress than I would by his hands. God - I wish I were exaggerating ...
I've been trying SO hard to hold on to what I have because I am now on disability and didn't want to end up carrying such a huge debt load, but now I see that the load I am carrying instead by 'maintaining the status quo' is FAR worse.
He is such a great liar that he will not only turn everyone against me, but fabricate stories that will make me look like a monster and a loser and the cause for his drinking and everything he can possibly think of. These have been underlying threats for a very long time. Two of his 3 daughters have already been convinced that I am the problem for everything happening as it has. Yes - I have been an enabler, and I take full responsibility for that, but I don't take responsibility for his drinking or rage.
As long as he can get away with doing these (which he can), he will have no reason to hurt me. He will also make it harder for me in every avenue he can. All the debts are in my name, but the cars are in his so I will have no car. We are not married and so I will have to fight harder through the court system if I want it to end up 50/50. (I know how stupid I have been, but as was mentioned here - I've been trying to survive and haven't had time to be smart). Every time I tried to take the right measures, I've been hairpinned at every turn.
I am also in terrible pain every day and can't think because of it. This doesn't make me very smart. I've had to make all the major decisions and carry everyone and I'm so overloaded that I can't take care of myself anymore.
Yes - my sister is trying all she can and giving me whatever she can, when she can and they will be coming in to some money through an inheritance and eventually will be able to pay me back. It's stressful for me too, but nothing is as stressful as having to deal with him.
I'm going to face this, no matter what happens. I honestly feel like I'm dying anyway - both physically and emotionally and I think that if I can get through this I will have my life back and if I can't - I don't want it anyway.
Otherwise, the stress will kill me. His threats are far worse and more frightening to me than anything. They are all just control tactics and if I feel any more threatened than that - I believe I'll have enough warning to get into a shelter. No - he will take me down in other ways, and I'd be more likely to die from the stress than I would by his hands. God - I wish I were exaggerating ...
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I've been trying SO hard to hold on to what I have because I am now on disability and didn't want to end up carrying such a huge debt load, but now I see that the load I am carrying instead by 'maintaining the status quo' is FAR worse.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
Not sure where your at but in some states living together that long and holding yourselves out to be married would give you all the rights of a spouse as if you were married. Talk to a lawyer, some will do consuts with out charge. Be careful.
Linda
Linda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
there were many times during my hellish dealings with my xah that i thought i had no other choice then to make some of the decisions i made.
now, i know i have other choices. living with it all made me non-creative . when i got a clearer head, i learned how to get creative to solve some of my financial problems.
there is help out there. please try to save yourself from him and seek out those avenues. you could begin by going to the town trustee, ministiral assoc., salvation army, energy assist.,....those are all short term aides, but in the mean time, you may be able to think of a more long term answer.
this is your life you are dealing with.
now, i know i have other choices. living with it all made me non-creative . when i got a clearer head, i learned how to get creative to solve some of my financial problems.
there is help out there. please try to save yourself from him and seek out those avenues. you could begin by going to the town trustee, ministiral assoc., salvation army, energy assist.,....those are all short term aides, but in the mean time, you may be able to think of a more long term answer.
this is your life you are dealing with.
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