There were times in my previous relationship with my AH that I was just as sick as he was. From reading your post it sounds to me like that is where you are now.
Re read your post. I would often do this with my journal and then ask myself if my best friend or child told me this story what would I tell her. Please for your own sanity and safety look after yourself, protect yourself.
What's in it for you to allow him back in your life?
There are some great posts here on SR, keep reading and posting. K.