Bamboozle

I don't have any face to face support. You people are all I have. No one here understands...I feel just the same as I did before I started drinking. It hurts too much and no one here gives a damn. They think I'm a looney. I can't go on living like this every day, and I don't have anyone here to guide me. I need help. Every day I wake up and I have to convince myself to try to be a more optomistic/happy person. It isn't working. I can't do this every day for the rest of my life. I wish someone could give me a hug and really mean it.

I just got in a really bad argument with my dad. He's a moron. I don't want to stay in this house anymore.

Dee74

I'm sorry Bam.
I doubt living with my parents would be conducive to my mental health either.

so...any plans to move out?

Until you work that out - use us - lots.

and I know you're not enamoured of AA, but have you looked into secular recovery programmes?
< resisting urge to make drowning/LifeRing joke...

Ok - so I didn't resist it LOL.

Dunno - sounds like you could use a little face to face support - some numbers to call, stuff like that

D

Ananda

Bam...I find I don't have to feel that way every day for the rest of my life...I have had to white knuckle it (for whatever reason) for periods of time, but things do change and I begin to see that it isn't forever.

I know it feels that way right now bam and wish I could be there hugging you tight and letting you just cry it out....then perhaps a few laughs....

(big giant hug full of caring)

stone

Bam. (I know it is not the same but I mean it!)

Anna

Bam,

I agree with Dee about living with your parents.

Can you come up with a plan to live on your own?

And, stay close to SR. There is always something inspiring to read here.

Rowan

Breathe. Slow down. I'm sorry it hurts, and that you feel like you're alone. I've been there myself, many times. I thought I could wake up, paste on a smile and pretend, but I never could. I may have been fooling others, but never myself. Do something nice for yourself that will take your mind off things for awhile. What do you like to do when you're hurting? What would make you feel better? A warm bath with scented bubbles? Climbing into bed with a heating pad and a good book? I like listening to quiet music, and just being alone for a little while.

Hang in there - no matter what, don't drink. It won't help. Hugs going out to you.

lostbutterfly

I don't know you Bam but I know what you mean about the pain. The pain that was probably the reason we started drinking so much in the first place.

My pain too, just been waiting all these years for me to stop! And it hurts like f*ck! I don't know what to do either.

I dunno why you don't like AA, but you wouldn't be alone in that. Try something, anything, even if it is AA. At least you'll get distracted by how lame you think it is, lol!! They have been the best thing I have ever found as far as face 2 face support goes.

Mariposa18

I don't know what to say, but know you are in my Prayers~

Bamboozle

Thanks, people...I'm trying...I called off of work for tomorrow.

I've been crying (I usually don't) and I feel worse. I feel physically ill. I left the house for a while (before I wrote this thread) and the only reason I came back is because I don't have anywhere else to go.

I told him (dad) a couple of things that were hard to talk about and it didn't go well...he's a know-it-all (well, he thinks he is) with some education, but believes that everything is a liberal/commie conspiracy...so, he doesn't really buy/understand depression and addiction. Here I am, asking for help, no, telling him I need help (not money)…and he thinks I’m an idiot. I do love him, but I need him to understand. He doesn’t. Mom doesn’t, either. I need them to support me emotionally, not pay for things. (*throwing my hands up in the air in complete exasperation*)

Rowan

Time for an analogy. I've used this one before. It's the 'lettuce' analogy.

My addictions doc told me that by continually going to my parents for support and understanding, it was like going to the hardware store for lettuce. They didn't sell it!

My Dad is a prejudiced, private, proud man. He doesn't believe in addiction or in depression, either. So, I don't share this stuff with them. I share it here, or I share it with close girlfriends. I let myself get hurt again and again by being vulnerable with my Mom and Dad, only to be shot down, to be told 'pull up your socks' etc.

So, I have a different relationship with them today. It's good, it's relatively healthy, and it's safe. I wish it could be different/closer, but that's not in the cards today.

Oh - I used to call in sick all the time when I was feeling depressed but I find it's better to make myself get out of bed and show up. Interaction with others is much better (for me) than isolating and licking my wounds.

I'm glad that you came back to let us know what was going on. Thanks.

IO Storm

Bam

Bamboozle

Rowan, thank you so much for that...made me chuckle a little. You too and your lifering joke, Dee.


I could deal with my head hurting if only I didn't feel nauseous (nausea is a rarity). I wish I could sleep, but I can't. I feel really tired now. I need to eat...I haven't had much today (that certainly didn't contribute well to my mood). Thank you everyone.




(no, I'm not drinking right now...in case any of you were wondering. I don't think I have the energy for it now. I guess that's a good thing...)

Bamboozle

I had to call off for tomorrow...if I didn't, I'd probably walk out or do something to get fired. I know how I get...before I cried I exploded in anger...it was practically rage. I don't like that side of me...I'm worried it will still be around tomorrow.

adore79

:ghug3

TryingSoHard

Hi Bam.

I'm not sure what to say exactly, I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you feel about some things and I wish I could give you a big hug. I would mean it.

Dee74

Being that on the edge isn't good for anyone Bam, irrespective of drinking or not...(tho I'm glad you're not )

Can you line up a counsellor for tomorrow - or soon?

hugs
D

lovinmenow

Hey Bam,
follow my instructions to the T.
1. put your right hand on your left shoulder
2. put your left hand on your right shoulder
3. Press hard

Ya just got a hug from me and from yourself too!! Hug yourself often and go to an AA meeting anyway. If you are not religious who cares. Not everyone that goes there is a bible thumper. It will really help you share your experiences with others and maybe you can hook up with someone to help you support eachother.

Fiona630

ohhh bam..im sorry ur having such a bad time. I guess sometimes we have to go elsewhere for the support we need. I know I do. People just dont understand unless they have experienced it or knew someone that did. Keep ur head up sunshine! Tomorrow is a new day. Easier said than done, right? I hear ya. Ur in my prayers!

Bamboozle

Funny, I would have liked to have done that today (considering I'm not going to work), but I only have 5 bucks. I found it last night when I was outside (away from the house) sitting in a dugout at a ball field. I reached into my pocket for a tissue and found a receipt instead. Inside that was the 5. I had my ID on me and thought, "I can go buy some--enough to pass out." I didn't...for a lot of reasons. Mostly because I was scared of myself last night. I didn't know if I'd be able to control my behavior after I started...


I need help...I know I do...I hope I can get it soon. I would like to find a better job (or at least a second job) so I can afford to do that...but, so far no dice. I'll just hang around here in the mean time. It's all I can do for now.

peggysue58

Good luck, Bam. I will be thinking of you today. I too am suffering and unable to afford help. I hope things will improve for you.

sincerely,
Peggy