madriley

I am heading into my 3rd week of recovery and I have been working on the Steps on my own. I have a question though. You know how we are supposed to make amends with people that we have hurt due to our use? Well, how do you do this when a majority of the people are ex-boyfriends and you are now married, without causing new problems? I really would like to set some things straight with a select few but I think it would just make things worse between myself, my husband and the others involved. Is it worth it or would I be alright if I skipped them? I am just looking for some insight, I have never attempted these steps before and I have never really owned up to anything I have done so I am struggling a little. Thanks for your help!

deezaldog

If you read the Ninth step through it says we become willing to make amends except when to do so would injure you or others. It is recommended to work the steps with a sponsor or someone who has already worked the steps. If you are only three weeks sober you may want to consider working with a sponsor. There are Eight steps that need to be worked before the ninth step, the steps are written in an order for a reason.
It is awsome that you have three weeks in recovery but be patient. One step and one day at a time!

Sugah

First, sweetie--slow down. You're trying to work the steps on your own, and in the case of the first, maybe up to the third, I think it's possible, but it's best done with the guidance of a sponsor (someone who's already taken the steps with someone who's already taken the steps...etc.). Addict/alcoholic thinking gets pretty twisted, sometimes even before picking up the first drug. Once you get to the 4th step--which is still way ahead of the 9th amends-making step--it's crucial you have guidance.

But since you're asking, I'm not going to leave it with a "you're not there yet" brush off. You asked, so I'll tell you how it was for me.

I took the first step before all the drugs were even out of my body. I surrendered to the knowledge that I was an addict and that I had run out of all options for trying to get a measure of manageability in my life so long as I was still using. The second required work with a sponsor because I really didn't understand the insanity of using. I didn't understand that I didn't yet have to define this "power greater than myself"--only open my mind and heart to the possibility that one existed. The third step was true surrender. It was a decision that I was going to trust in the process of taking the rest of the steps and that something incredible was going to happen as a result (it did).

Before you ever have to concern yourself with getting right with others, you first get right with yourself, with the god of your understanding, and you humble yourself by sharing your inventory with another person. By the time you come to making amends, much of the fear you feel right now will be gone. Your motives will change. Some clarity of thought will have returned. And in absence of fear, with right motives and with clarity of thought, you will be able (with the help of a sponsor!) make an educated decision regarding which amends will do more harm than good. Amends are essentially for us, not the other person. One way or another, they must be done if we're to "clean up the wreckage." But, in cases when they will bring about more harm, sometimes, they have to be done indirectly.

I have some very violent exes in my past. I have some who are happily married with families. I wouldn't know where to find some. And some are dead. I've owed all amends in one form or another, but there's a real potential for further harm in the first two cases.

So, how do I make amends? I have prayed for them that they have peace. I have been the best wife I can be in my current relationship. I've been vigilant about "harmless" flirtation that could lead someone else on. In other words, I've done my best to become a better person and avoided doing further harm. I've forgiven myself and asked forgiveness from my HP.

And now I'll say it again: you're not there yet. It won't be so scary once you get there, and the best way to take it (literally) one step at a time is to find someone to guide you through the steps. Have you asked anyone to sponsor you yet?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

northbelle

There is a forum on here about the steps..I would check it out if I were ya!!
You are a sweetie madriley!
love north

Lily

we become willing to make amends except when to do so would injure you or others.

I agree w/ what Ddog said. Work the steps in order and work them with a sponsor. I am at month 10 clean and just finished my 5th step last night with my sponsor.

blessings, Sheila

madriley

Wow! I am so glad I put this on here or else I would be kicking myself a few weeks from now. I guess I kind of just ran away with the whole process and thought I could just get it over with. Obviously, I need to really take my time and make sure that I completely leave no stone unturned. Can you only find a sponsor at meetings? I am still a little unsure of how that whole process works. I guess I was still in the mind set that I could do this on my own, but then again that's what has wasted the last 16 years of my life right? Okay, so I am going to start over from step one and find someone to guide me through. How long does the whole process usually take? Is there a certain amount of time that I should spend on each one? Thanks so much for your thoughts!

Sugah

It is a process--a life-long process. I finished first-time formal step work in about ten months with my sponsor--though I did a little foot-dragging when I hit the fourth step, and some ninth step amends are never finished (part of my amends to my children is to be a sober Mom--I hope I never finish that one!). Others are still on my list, and I'm willing if the opportunity presents itself (people I don't know where to find). I've been through them formally many times in the last six years--as I've helped others work through them.

Ultimately, it's up to the sponsor and the rate she was taught to go through them. In my experience, those in NA work them more slowly than those in AA. My sponsor was in NA but worked with an AA sponsor--so she took me through the AA way. What book do you have?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

sunflower1776

Madriley--first of all I want to say how incredibly proud of you I am -- from your first posting to your last, you seem to possess the drie and determination to kick this thing in the ass. I believe you words in your posts have been helpful to countless others. Please keep posting as you are helping so many other. You are so knew to this forum, but you haven't settled right it, and I will speak for myself and I hope its okay I'm speaking for others as well, we are glad to hae you here.

As far as the 'steps' go. I do not use NA/AA (thought I may start soon--life starting to get out of control again). Regardless, from what I have learned, there is not a time limit on each step--you follow through with each one using whatever amount of time you need to do this. Do not say that you have 1 week so complete step 1, etc. Take the time necessary to be able to really WORK the step. As for the making amends, others have already said, but I know that I have heard that when you make these amends, you only do it if it were not to be of detrimate to the other person--you are not going to cause harm/unneccessary pain/suffering. Like I said I'm not a user of the 12-steps currently, so I hpe the info I'm passing along is correct. I do know for a fact, however, that there should never be a time constraint on any step and you should not feel rushed to get through them or set any type of timeline to have all steps completely in 4 months--this is possible for some but an unattainable goal for most. Go at your own speed and involve your sponsor. I've heard that using a sponsor is the best thign to do as that person has been where you are now, and they will be able to help you as you move along. No one decides to become a sponsor for the hell of it--they do so because they know they have the means to help someone. Just make sure that the person you choose is one that you are comfortable with. You are doing so well, adn I am so proud of you. Please keep posting!

NoelleR

A couple of folks here have paraphrased a part of the 9th step, but they have misquoted.....what they have written is......: "....except when to do so would injure you or others...."

The step actually says.....: "...except when to do so would injure THEM or others..."

In making my amends, I checked to see if I could possibly be injuring anyone...the person to whom the amends was being made, or anyone else like their spouse, their parents or children, their empolyers or employees...etc....After going over these with my sponsor, then it was time to either make, or not make the amends, depending....Whether an amends could injure me.....was never considered; it's usually assumed that I'm going to be injured (or at least feel this way) slightly with most amends----exercises in humility can often seem hard and injurious......BUT.....

Shucks, if I didn't make amends if it could injure me.....well, heck, I probably wouldn't have made any..... (o:


NoelleR

P.S. ...and like most others here have suggested; go over these amends/steps with a sponsor, or at least someone who has already done them.....so as to get some good feedback on how these steps actually work..... (o:

madriley

Thank you all so much for your advice!!! Again, I was a little delusional and thought I could just sail through them on my own and BAM be cured!! HA HA not gonna happen! I am going to find another meeting place this week so I can hook up with a sponsor and really get to work on these. I have already written a lot of the steps out and gone through them, but I don't even know if I've done it right. So you guys are absolutely right, I have to do this with a sponsor or someone who has done this before. Thank you for the wake up call!

Sunflower- You are so unbelievably sweet!! Thank you so much for your kind words they mean so much to me. I hope you know how much you have helped me in the last two weeks. I would never have made it to day 17 (woo hoo) without the support of you and the others on here. So, please give yourself credit also for what you have done for me and countless others on here. I've learned that it is always so much easier to be that strength and support for others but when it is for ourselves, it's like we don't think we deserve it or something. So I am glad that we are all here for each other!! Keep it up and thanks again!