rhave

I'm a recovering drug addict, I used everything I came across but heroin's the thing that really got me to my lowest and what i still have the most trouble staying away from. I first got sober May 30th but relapsed, been sober since Oct. 22nd now. I'm in a twelve step program right now, I've learned a lot, I can keep myself sober by keeping myself around people who hold me accountable and avoiding situations carefully, but I've never really consistently felt happy in sobriety. I talked to my sponsor tonight and it brought up an issue which I've struggled with for a while now: I feel completely passoinless about most everything and generally emotionally numb, even without the drugs i seem to have gotten myself to the almost the same mindset I had while using, I don't care strongly about anything, the only thing keeping me from going back out is some part of me that trust that I really can be happier sober and won't let me give up on that yet.
this is what lead to me relapsing, I wasn't planning to use or even thinking about at the time, but as soon as I found myself in a part of downtown where I used to buy dope I didn't care enough about my sobriety or the bad things that I know will come back if I started using again to put up a fight.
Right now I just want to have some passion for something, but I need help finding that.
Much Love

northbelle

A common state of mind for many a recovering addict..especially notice it with some heroin addicts..And I have been in the same spot...no motivation , no drive...I swear someon could offer me a trip to Hawaii and I would just be put out cause I had to pack,,
I mean you haven't really been sober that long in the big scheme of things right? How long were you out there using?
They have a term for it..I think it is called anhadonia..a joyless state of mind..nothing makes me happy...
It has always passed lthough I have went through some really rough times when I did not think it would...IT WILL CHANGE...it just takes longer than we would llike it to...I can just relate to your post and think it is pretty normal to be where you are at right now..
I have no solutions for this my friend..sometimes the only thing that makes me feel alive is getting some adrenaline flowing...and I don't mean a footchase with the police or anything!!hehe...I will go walking or take my bike for a ride ..I ahve to literally force myself out the door to do this mind you,,,but it is one thing that I THINK helps your brain to start functioning better,,,,just my thoughts and experience..
love north

lavenderrain

I relate to your post so so much...I could have written that. It's very easy to relapse when nothing is stimulating you in sobriety. I wasn't planning on going back out either, but that mental process you described is exactly how I relapsed as well. Do you feel like you have no energy as well? I always felt like I wanted to do things in theory, but just lacked physical energy and motivation to start things.

ccgirl2

rhave, it takes a while for your brain to recover to its normal functioning again. It does happen. Just not as quickly as us addicts would like it to. That's why we're addicts. Instant gratification.

tommyk

Your body is experiencing a 'constant' state right?

No ups & downs?

Pure sobriety.

It's a good thing, go with it, relax. Let yourself become adjusted to it. Use the 12 steps.

Keep coming back!

madriley

I think mostly all of us can relate exactly to how you are feeling right now. I am only 12 days clean off of methadone right now and every day is a different struggle. My DOC was oxycontin and you know how I got hooked on it in the first place? It helped me become SuperWoman. I was planning my wedding and I would stay up all night making all the stuff I needed, then I would work full time and take care of my daughter and the house at night. I could do it all. My husband had no problem with it at first cuz it wasn't costing us any money(at first, my bro had a script) and he didn't have to do anything. I never thought I would come to DEPEND on those damn things just to live a "normal" life. Shortly after, I couldn't get out of bed unless I knew I had stuff on me to get motivated, couldn't make supper if I didn't have anything, I missed a very good friend from childhood's wedding because I could not get anything before I went. Basically I have missed out on at least the last 5 or 6 years of my life.... sad isn't it?

My biggest fear about sobriety was that same thought "What if I can not make myself be happy without some "help"? I can't tell anyone my fears because the only one who knows my problem are my husband (doesn't get the whole addict thing) and my brother (a full blown addict and will only bring me back down). But I had to try it because I did not like where my life was heading, I hated the person that I have turned into.

So, again today is day 12 for me, am I happy like I would be happy if I had an Oxy in front of me right now? No, but I am happy knowing that I don't have to feel guilty and I don't have to lie to everyone anymore. I know that in time my mind and body will regulate itself. Think about it, how long did use for? I used for over 10 years, so you know you will not be back to normal overnight, or even within a month or more maybe. Sobriety is a constant struggle and hard work, but look at the end result. What is the end result of using? Not worth it.

madriley

One more thing, I have found the playing some music loud really gets me going. It puts me in a better mood and clears my mind. Might be worth a try!