wifeofpinocchio

Just looking for insight regarding my husband that I just left recently. He has been abusing cocaine (but tries to hide it) and I also suspect that he may have gotten into other things because this past year, the lies have become much worse. He lies about things that aren't even related to anything involving drugs. I can't tell you the last time I have even known him to tell the truth. Everything is a lie. He even lies to the kids. OUr house is foreclosing but before I moved out, he took our 14 yr old to see a house that he was going to "buy". (?????). He lies and says that our 14 yr old is saying she is living with me because I allow her to do what she wants (????) She went to the movies with a girlfriend last Friday (which is normal) and she sat home Saturday night alone (????). There are so many lies that I can barely stand to deal with him and unfortunately while I moved out (and am SO THANKFUL), I have to keep dealing with him with the children. (His newest lie is I abuse my kids). My 8 yr old got a time out this past weekend, which I led her by her hand into her bedroom since she wouldn't walk herself there. (????). He smashed and broke a window in our house days after I left, but he is now asking my 8 yr old if my family accidently broke the window when we moved (?????)

Any insight is appreciated. Do they know they are lying?
I feel better since I moved, but the lies are pulling me into that insanity.

Thanks everyone!

Mr.Hyde

Oh yeah, the lies are unbearable, I know. I used heroin for many years and the lies just exponentially got worse. Yes, I knew I was lying but its was kind of a way to keep myself convinced that my life wasn't out of control, that my addiction wasn't "that bad". If you call him out on it he'll probably just get upset, an intervention is very useful in this situation. Good luck.

wifeofpinocchio

Thanks Mr. Hyde. I posted here because I really did want insight from anyone that has had/has addiction problems. He also is telling people that I shut off the utilities when I moved? (My utilities are all included in my rent). he hadn't paid the utilities this past year, it was me paying them, but I guess him saying that is better than him admitting the truth that the utilities are shut off where I left because of nonpayment. In the summer, once i went back home all weekend and when I returned he told me he didn't do much over the weekend (I knew that was impossible for him since me and the kids went home to visit). I looked through the trash and found aluminum foil, a towel with some kind've brown stuff all over it? also, my bathroom sink had a million scratches all over it going different directions and my good razor blade, the head of it was missing. His buddy I also saw text messaged him over a month ago "To bring Q'tips" and my husband left soon afterwards. Does that sound all like cocaine or something else as well?

madriley

It sure sounds like he's using coke and the brown stuff may be heroin.The scratches all over the counter is from him setting up his lines that explains your razor blade as well. The thing about addicts is that when we are hooked, we are not ourselves. And not only that but our mind is so screwed up that our LIFE revolves around getting high. Every little thing that could pertain to your life has to be around getting your fix.

The lies are also a definite sign of using. You could be the most honest person in the world, get hooked on something and you will lie straight to your mother's face so you she won't know you're using and maybe she'll give you money to get some more. I had never ever lied to my husband (we're together 10years) until I got hooked on Oxy's, from there everything was a lie - how much my paychecks were, why the utilities hadn't been paid in 3 months, how did our car insurance get cancelled, did I go to work today? you name it and we will lie about it.

Him blaming you for all of the bad stuff is very normal for addicts. As Mr. Hyde said, it is our way of denying that our lives are out of control and we have a problem. Our "habit" isn't why we lost the house and I can't pay the utilities. It's because your a b$%^ch and spent all the money and turned them off.

I'm sure if he wasn't using he probably wouldn't be this harsh with the lies and everything (hopefully not). You should decide if this is something that you want to get involved in, getting him help, or not. Good Luck and let us know how you make out!

bval

Addicts become liars, it's axiomatic. Nothing all that unusual going on here as far as that goes.

Good luck with all this, and welcome to the site. My advice is to do your best to cut ties with this person as best you can. Tough when you have kids, but ... if I were you, I'd start documenting his behavior, in case you ever need a restraining order or need to move away with the kids...

TTOSBT

Oh yeah. I am a recovering alcoholic and I would say that 70% of the time I knew I was lying but it was survival. That is how it feels. The other 30% of the time, I had said the lie so many times I wasn't sure if it was true or not anymore.

Ugh. I do NOT miss those days!

wifeofpinocchio

Thanks everyone. I did get a restraining order against him and in that order, I was also granted as Primary physical custody holder of the kids. I moved out 2 weekends ago. Since this time, he has been holding my 8 yr old and not returning her. I was being nice in the order and told the attorney that I'd be flexible and allow him to see the kids as much as he wanted because I knew he needs the kids and they need him. (I wasnt' thinking clearly and I should've said the set schedule since the Judge signed it). When he is angry, he plays games. I have to go back to court apparently to get a schedule in place. I have felt much better in my new place, but am pulled back because of my children and the games and lies. I just can't leave a child behind. While he can be a wonderful father, he has a dark side that he doesn't show his family and I can't allow any of my kids to grow up without me with him. (His family would never believe my kids)

AWdesign

I'm so sorry that you are going through this! I am going through something like this and really it just comes down to crazymaking. Do yourself a favor, do everything you can through the court system and let the rest go...meaning don't have confrontations with him, don't pick up the phone if he calls, don't feed into his lies! Give him enough rope and he will hang himself has been said to me many times and it is true...the more I let go of my situation and leave it to God, the more peace I get and the deeper in trouble he gets. This statement is meant for your situation and his relationship with your kids...your kids will eventually not want to be around him if he continues to act like an addict, they will get fed up...let it be their decision though. I hate to say it but it is reality that if he continues to use drugs there are 4 places he could end up.....the best situation: recovery.....the worst: death, jails, institutions....one of them WILL be waiting for him...Good luck!

iljchia

I'd go with yes --- both --- we lie because we don't care, we think it'll keep us out of trouble, we don't think other people will notice, and we lie because we believe it. The world warps and twists around us.

Lily

Maybe he is on meth. I mean I used to free base it in tin foil and do lines. It makes one more violent I think than cocaine. ??

Prayers and hugs for you. Document like BV suggested and protect yourself and your kids. Also can you find a meeting? Like a alanon or something? Those are family members who have been in your same shoes.

Blessings, Sheila

CatWings

I don't really have any helpful to say really, other than I can relate. I got out of a relationship not too long ago in which the person was constantly lying to me about the things that caused red flags to go up for me all the time. First he told me he didn't smoke that much weed (he smokes a LOT more than I ever did). Then he got mad when I called him on it. He lied as well about other things that I finally had to bring up.

I was just SO upset about all this. The blatant lying and evading just felt so hurtful to me. I couldn't stand it anymore and I broke up with him, though we continued to get into confrontations for four months later!

But honestly, of course he was not going to cop to the fact that he had lied to me about one major thing in particular. He's lying to himself about that.

I realized after this, that the addict's whole world sometimes revolves around lies and the pursuit of pleasure. I am much less upset since I got out of his way, decided it was not for me to take personally, and I feel like this is all easier to see and feel detached from as I get into my own recovery and living more authentically.

CatWings

Hello again.

This is the real problem - when you start asking yourself, "Does he even know he's lying?" That question just drove me insane and he did so much to turn things on me and cause me to doubt even myself and my own intution.

Once I got some space from that, my answer was A) Of course he knows he's lying and then B) Too bad for him if he believes some of those lies.

I still have plans to hit some Al-Anon meetings. As a friend shared from her own experience, "Head trippers can do so much damage."

sunflower1776

Wife---first of all I love your screen name--wife of pinnochio! Took me a minute, but then I understood it! Have to find humor where you can.

As far as the lying goes--it goes along with addiction. As was said in other posts, addicts lie to keep themselves from believing their lives are out of control. I do not believe this is a conscious thing...we had to lie to be able to keep doing what we were doing. My mom and I talked daily--if I was supposed to have worked that day but didn't, I'd tell her I worked. When I asked for money my parents would ask where all my money was going (I was making $80,000). I lived alone, rented a house, leased a car, had some credit card debt but nothing overwhelming. I should have had money left over and not have to ask my parents for help. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, my parents always helped me out financially. That is one of the things I feel the worst about--the lying about why I needed money. My parents are in no way wealthy--they do not have any savings. My dad does pretty well for them, but not enough to support me as well. No one in my life knew I was an addict until I told them I had to go to detox for addiction to opiates. One of the first questions my mom asked me was did I need money to buy the pills. My answer? No. I am still lying about that because I just cannot tell them. However, they are not stupid, and I know they have figured it out by now. We lie about why we can't make it into work. We lie to our friends about why we cannot go out that night (i don't feel well, I have a headache rather than I'm high and plan on staying that way). We isolate ourselves, we alienate everyone in our lives and focus on our addiction. I lied to a pain management doctor so that I could get rx for pain meds (I had no pain at all). I lied to my friend who has cancer--she offered me pain pills for a headache one day and then became a dealer once she realized how much money she could make. She believed I needed them for lower back pain--she still does not know the truth. Our day to day life begins to revolve around obtaining drugs and using. A majority of us on here have a history of using other drugs, but our drug of choice (doc) is opiates. It doesn't matter, however, what our doc is because cocaine or heroin addicts will do the same things and tell the same lies as pill addicts. I don't know at what point the guilt begins to set in about the lies. It is easier during active addiction to just not think about it--to not think about the guilt. If i start to think about the guilt, I'd take more pills so that I couldn't feel anything. Now I do feel the guilt, the shame, the embarassment, etc. But, I also know that those people who mean the most to me have forgiven me--I don't think they even held it against me because things happened so quickly (telling my family, going ot detox, moving back home to parents house). They were with me this entire trip through recovery. I have relapsed a few times--my parents do not know though. I cannot bring myself to tell them and that adds to the guilt and shame. I am a suboxone user, but I still relapsed--can be a part of recovery. In this sense, I can justify it---I am not lying to my parents because they have not asked. Actually no one has asked me if I have relapsed except for my sub doctor and then I voluntarily told him-wasn't asked. So, lying or withholding of the truth is unfortunately a normal part of the addiction process. I find myself telling little white lies--things that have nothing to do wtih drug addiction or drug use. When I do this, I say to myself why the hell am I lying?? I'm trying to be more conscious of it now. I wish you the best of luck with your husband (ex). You made the right decision from what information you gave us to move out. Your children need to be safe and protected. Please, whatever you do, do not allow your children to be used as a pawn between the two of you. I don't have children, but if it were me,I do not think I would allow my children to be with him knowing he was using drugs. But, since you don't know for certain, i don't know how you can handle that. Just make sure the are kept away from him if he's high and you have any choice. You're in my thoughts

Missybuns

Yes I knew every lie I told....every single multi-millionth lie.
I know the difference...and knew it in active addiction too...just then it didnt matter...it was "part of the program"...where as today my program is that of recovery and honesty is crucial to getting healthy.

Gratefully recovering,
Missy

Taking5

In regards to lies, have you heard of Korsakoff's syndrome? It is drug and alcohol related too and "explains" the lies addicts can make. If it is Korsakoff's then there is already a fair amount of brain damage. Here is a link:

Korsakoff's syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

wifeofpinocchio

Thanks. I had felt at peace this morning until I had to send him a message that if he would like to see our youngest (since I have to go somewhere for work) he can, even though he hasn't asked to see our other kids, only the 8 yr old. He said he had asked for all the kids the other day? (Honestly, these lies are maddening to me). Oh well, I'll regroup and calm down. Its just the lies are even about "stupid things" and my oldest is noticing the lies as well because we have been talking about how he hasn't bothered with my other 2 kids really.

Mr.Hyde

I really, feel for you here, BTW- it sounds like he COULD be somking the coke, known as freebasing. It's not really that common anymore since some {flippin} genius invented crack. I guess it's also possible he's somking herion, either way though, he's going down a long and lonesome highway. Have you thought about having an intervention of sorts. I would reccomend someone that has a fair amount of sobriety to help, but basically just get all his friends and close family together and point out what his behavior is doing to you. try to avoid the "this one time, you did this and that and that is really stupid" When talking about his behavior the more generalizations the better, pretty much.

Mr.Hyde

Q-Tips? Hmmmm........ thats weird, when i was iv'ing oxycontin I used Qtips, also when injecting herion. The cotton in the qtip is used as a makeshift filter for the needle- NOT THAT I CONDONE OR PROMOTE THAT BEHAVIOR (OR RECCOMEND IT!)

wifeofpinocchio

Mr. Hyde- that is a possibility. He has no clean friends, just some that are worse than others (or more chronic users). His family would be a possibility. His sister has mentioned an Intervention before, but I don't really talk to the family because they get along with me as long as I'm always the victim. They get angry anytime he gets depressed or upset. (He is depressed since I left, so I'm the bad guy now with them)