genrs123

i started off my morning great-breakfast and already done serveral errands around house... and its not even 10am.

i was feeling so good that i pulled out my old journal i started last february, my recent one, that i havent been able to write in since the first week of june, when AXBF and i broke up.

however, i wanted to "keep going"- write about the good and the bad and have continuity in this journal.

my goal was to write down all the things id done yesterday (and soon today, if i can cheer up maybe) that felt GOOD when i was TAKING CARE of myself or being kind. Like sampling truffles at whole foods, running, cooking myself dinner, and working on my house...

but its been a while, and i thought maybe ill remember why i DONT want to be with him and what a JERK he was. Instead i found mostly entries of ME being RESENTFUL (of him saying he was going to do something and not doing it) and taking it out on him even if it wasnt a huge deal, because i was really just mad i felt neglected, angry, or sad as he "chose" alcohol "over" me.

i look back and i see that he tried his hardest, which was never good enough and how much hurt I caused HIM over something HE TOO had no control over, and is powerless over.

One time i made him feel bad, and we were supposed to see his Dad, but i got mad at him for something else. he really wanted me to be there for him when his dad (also an A/Addict) was supposed to visit, i know it causes him a lot of anxiety and depression to see him.
So instead of wanting me to come with him, he never called again because he knew i would just be mad about not calling me the day before or being wasted or just whatever i was generally mad over. . .

i hate to think about the guilt and pain that i caused someone. it made me feel like NO WONDER he didnt ant to be with me, and it makes me sad because even as mean as i was, he still wanted to talk to me and check up on me (not always for selfish purposes although i know, "this is what they do" and for their own motivation at times) after we broke up.

and i still cause him pain by not being able do that (occasionally talking and being "friends") because im still in love or love him, and im too hurt still about the dissapointment and hope( and my heart) that got crushed.
so i dont apologize (yet, im waiting for the right step i guess) and even then im not sure if i will feel better.

i know that realisically he knows i just cared, and i wasnt deliberately trying to hurt him and that i DO feel bad, but it just hurts to think of the hurt and guilt i caused.

WHEN DOES THE GUILT END??????? is there anything i can do to get past it.

sodetermined

I am still dealing with these feelings, also.....that I reacted to him with so much anger, I was really mean/resentful to him at times. To help myself, I have been trying to remember the things that I did that were good for the relationship, before I was lied to, verbally abused, neglected. Someone even suggested that I start a journal of things that I did that were good, things I did for him/us/the relationship.

I think it's really hard when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic to get over the anger and forgive them when they are still doing the things to hurt you. I mean even when Chris would "try", I was never happy with the things he did...because I was never able to let my guard down, I always felt like he was trying to make up for the harm he had just caused...or getting me ready for the next time. And really....looking back, the things I thought he was doing to try so hard....helping buy groceries, staying home, being nice...aren't those all things a partner should do anyway?

I don't know if this helps, but I also wanted to let you know that it made me feel a little bit better to read your post, just because it makes me feel less alone in the way that I feel.

genrs123

Thanks soconfused, im glad someone understands.

i agree some of his nice things were done out of his own guilt- or things he should do.

but i didnt do them! he bought me stuff, took me on dates. i baked and brought it to him at work.... wrote him letters when he lived in another state, and told him how much i loved and cared for him- and tried to work on myself (i started reading the language of love incase we werent speaking the same language, see how i could say i love you to him better. ha. obviously we werent on the same language. then again i think i was trying to see if maybe he was speaking to me in another language that i wasnt picking up on, so maybe that was selfish too, who knows).

Anyway, what im trying to say is that I dont think i did enough just to make it work or "everyday" things in our relationship- and now i cant because i know for sure it wouldnt anyway with him not in recovery or wanting to be.

i dont remember so much good i did.

but i did make a list of things i will do next time.

GiveLove

Everything you mentioned you did sounds like justifiable anger to me.

You are feeling guilty because you stood up for yourself and got mad at being treated with disrespect, instead of being a doormat.

Just my two cents. Relationships are hard -- you're not superwoman. You had feelings, and when he hurt them you got mad. Don't second-guess yourself.

If you want to do better in the future, the next time around in a relationship, then that's another story. That's self-improvement. (we are teaching each other these skills every day on SR...what we want to get better at) But that's very different from racking yourself with guilt.

:ghug3