emotionally destroyed
No Codie No More.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
emotionally destroyed
I havent seen my alcoholic friend since monday. I told her I'm going through things, I told her how I felt about her verbal abuse, the way she behaves when I want to spend time with her and about her coldness towards me.
basically I'm emotionally destroyed these last few days. The image of her coming out of a restaurant\bar after we had a fight about her calling friends to hang out while we're at dinner came to my mind and its replaying in my head. we had a little argument outside and (yes she said I was wrong for acting the way I did while she NEVER apologizes or acknowledges her wrong behavior).
her walking outside while I waited for her for a half hour where she got herself drunk. the image of her walking out those doors wasted really got to me then and keeps coming back now. It still hurts me to see what she does to herself.
basically I'm emotionally destroyed these last few days. The image of her coming out of a restaurant\bar after we had a fight about her calling friends to hang out while we're at dinner came to my mind and its replaying in my head. we had a little argument outside and (yes she said I was wrong for acting the way I did while she NEVER apologizes or acknowledges her wrong behavior).
her walking outside while I waited for her for a half hour where she got herself drunk. the image of her walking out those doors wasted really got to me then and keeps coming back now. It still hurts me to see what she does to herself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by drained22 
I havent seen my alcoholic friend since monday. I told her I'm going through things, I told her how I felt about her verbal abuse, the way she behaves when I want to spend time with her and about her coldness towards me.
basically I'm emotionally destroyed these last few days. The image of her coming out of a restaurant\bar after we had a fight about her calling friends to hang out while we're at dinner came to my mind and its replaying in my head. we had a little argument outside and (yes she said I was wrong for acting the way I did while she NEVER apologizes or acknowledges her wrong behavior).
her walking outside while I waited for her for a half hour where she got herself drunk. the image of her walking out those doors wasted really got to me then and keeps coming back now. It still hurts me to see what she does to herself.
basically I'm emotionally destroyed these last few days. The image of her coming out of a restaurant\bar after we had a fight about her calling friends to hang out while we're at dinner came to my mind and its replaying in my head. we had a little argument outside and (yes she said I was wrong for acting the way I did while she NEVER apologizes or acknowledges her wrong behavior).
her walking outside while I waited for her for a half hour where she got herself drunk. the image of her walking out those doors wasted really got to me then and keeps coming back now. It still hurts me to see what she does to herself.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Until she admits that she has a problem, she might never apologize for her behavior. Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by drained22
the image of her walking out those doors wasted really got to me then and keeps coming back now. It still hurts me to see what she does to herself.
It was incredibly freeing for me when I realized that I did not have to stick around for that awful show. I could turn away. I could find a better view.
Love does not require one to bear witness to the tragedy of addiction.
From what you've posted, she treats you with contempt and disdain.
You do not deserve such scorn, but it is up to you to decide that you will no longer tolerate it. An active addict like your friend is unlikely to meet your needs. She is unlikely to see the pain that you feel and even less likely to take steps to address that pain.
Take care of yourself.
-TC
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I've had a few alcoholic friends but they NEVER treated me badly. You might find even if she is not drinking she is a jackhole. Be careful.
Care about yourself more and do not wait for her and do not allow her to treat you that way. You are losing ground in self respect. Take care of you.
Care about yourself more and do not wait for her and do not allow her to treat you that way. You are losing ground in self respect. Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I know this is hard, drained. But these are her choices - there's nothing you can do to change them, and sticking around for more of her disrespectful treatment doesn't do anything good for your life or for hers either.
Until she chooses to get help, and that may or may not ever happen, she'll continue to do things that hurt you. You are in charge of whether you want to suffer that hurt or not.
I often found myself "emotionally destroyed" when I was giving too much importance to how this or that person viewed me. If they turned their back on me, I was a wreck, even if I knew I was right (as you are) I handed them my happiness, and when they dropped it in the dirt I was devastated.
Keep your mind busy with other things if you can - people in your life who treat you WELL, for example. Figuring out what you want to do & be & see in the few decades you've got here is healthy, mind-occupying work. Make a list of the things that really turn your crank (no, she can't be on it) and hook up again with what you really love doing.
This is what we all mean when we say, "focusing on us." Because "I" isn't going away, no matter what all the sick people around us choose to do. We still have a life to fill with as many good things as we can fit into it.
Good luck with everything
Until she chooses to get help, and that may or may not ever happen, she'll continue to do things that hurt you. You are in charge of whether you want to suffer that hurt or not.
I often found myself "emotionally destroyed" when I was giving too much importance to how this or that person viewed me. If they turned their back on me, I was a wreck, even if I knew I was right (as you are) I handed them my happiness, and when they dropped it in the dirt I was devastated.
Keep your mind busy with other things if you can - people in your life who treat you WELL, for example. Figuring out what you want to do & be & see in the few decades you've got here is healthy, mind-occupying work. Make a list of the things that really turn your crank (no, she can't be on it) and hook up again with what you really love doing.
This is what we all mean when we say, "focusing on us." Because "I" isn't going away, no matter what all the sick people around us choose to do. We still have a life to fill with as many good things as we can fit into it.
Good luck with everything
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by drained22
I havent seen my alcoholic friend since monday. I told her I'm going through things, I told her how I felt about her verbal abuse, the way she behaves when I want to spend time with her and about her coldness towards me.
So what does this say about you? Are you that lonely that you will put up with abuse just so you don't have to be alone? I would rather be alone than have an abuser in my life, but I am not you.
Originally Posted by drained22
basically I'm emotionally destroyed these last few days.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by drained22
It still hurts me to see what she does to herself.
You also say you are emotionally destroyed. I have found that nobody can destroy me emotionally unless I allow them do to so. Now you have to deal with what is on your side of the street. Your freedom to choose. Your life. Your choices. Your consequences.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Drained,
After reading several of your posts, I know that you truly care about your friend. She sounds like much more than a friend. In my opinion you sound very upset by this situation. Given that you care so much for her and she is on a path that you cannot control and may not be healthy for you, please think about what it is you want and need in this world. You sound like a caring individual who deserves to be treated with respect and consideration all of the time, not some of the time or when sober or when it suits.
After reading several of your posts, I know that you truly care about your friend. She sounds like much more than a friend. In my opinion you sound very upset by this situation. Given that you care so much for her and she is on a path that you cannot control and may not be healthy for you, please think about what it is you want and need in this world. You sound like a caring individual who deserves to be treated with respect and consideration all of the time, not some of the time or when sober or when it suits.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
drained, I went out to a pub last night, not something I do very often, but I was out with a few friends having a good time. We went in one particular pub for food, as we entered I didn't really look around, we all just sat down happy and chatty. When I went to the bar to order I heard people shouting me so I turned around and saw my brother, he's telling everyone (family etc) that he isn't drinking but he had a bottle to his mouth and was definately drinking. I just thought 'oh well, up to him' said hello to everyone and carried on with my own evening.
It's taken me a long time and hard work on myself to get to this point, where I'm able to walk away and leave him to it. At one time I would have been upset all week after seeing that, I'd have even tried to convince him he shouldn't be drinking, in a lot of ways.
It's his choice to make, not mine. My choice was to carry on with my evening and enjoy it with friends who have respect for themselves, their bodies and other people. I prefer my choice.
It's taken me a long time and hard work on myself to get to this point, where I'm able to walk away and leave him to it. At one time I would have been upset all week after seeing that, I'd have even tried to convince him he shouldn't be drinking, in a lot of ways.
It's his choice to make, not mine. My choice was to carry on with my evening and enjoy it with friends who have respect for themselves, their bodies and other people. I prefer my choice.
No Codie No More.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
LucyA, do you avoid places with alcohol if your out? I only avoid places when I am with her, she wanted to goto a bar after we hung out at a friends house, she drank but I didn't pay for it!
I don't want to enable this behavior so I'm trying to avoid these places when I'm with her.
but the question is I know she will want to go, what do I do\say? I can make her pay for her drink but since she doesn't understand what I'm trying to do , she will think I'm being a scumbag.
I don't want to enable this behavior so I'm trying to avoid these places when I'm with her.
but the question is I know she will want to go, what do I do\say? I can make her pay for her drink but since she doesn't understand what I'm trying to do , she will think I'm being a scumbag.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Drained,
Of course she understands what you're trying to do. She just doesn't care. Her alcohol is more important than you or your concerns.
You will continue to have pain and misery as long as you do two things:
(1) you maintain that you have a meaningful friendship with an active alcoholic &;
(2) you expect that person to reciprocate by respecting you and what you care about above their allegience to alcohol.
I am sorry you are in pain. And you don't deserve it. But she will never free you from that pain unless she finds recovery. So you might have to free yourself.
Of course she understands what you're trying to do. She just doesn't care. Her alcohol is more important than you or your concerns.
You will continue to have pain and misery as long as you do two things:
(1) you maintain that you have a meaningful friendship with an active alcoholic &;
(2) you expect that person to reciprocate by respecting you and what you care about above their allegience to alcohol.
I am sorry you are in pain. And you don't deserve it. But she will never free you from that pain unless she finds recovery. So you might have to free yourself.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by drained22
but the question is I know she will want to go, what do I do\say? I can make her pay for her drink but since she doesn't understand what I'm trying to do , she will think I'm being a scumbag.
If not - say no.
If yes - say yes - but be prepared for her rude, drunken behavior to continue.
You have absolutely no obligation to buy anyone alcohol.
If she thinks that makes you a scumbag, that is her business.
I think she's an inconsiderate friend.
That's my business.
No Codie No More.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
I am learning alot on this forum, I read a forum post on another thread that stated:
"My AXW was the kind of girl that didn't have many girlfriends, kind of was one of the guys. "
this HEAVILY reminds me of my situation. I'm beginning to realize that certain aspects of what was going on and why I felt so stupidified to how I was behaving was because I didn't know what was happening and now I'm starting to smarten up.
"My AXW was the kind of girl that didn't have many girlfriends, kind of was one of the guys. "
this HEAVILY reminds me of my situation. I'm beginning to realize that certain aspects of what was going on and why I felt so stupidified to how I was behaving was because I didn't know what was happening and now I'm starting to smarten up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by drained22
LucyA, do you avoid places with alcohol if your out? I only avoid places when I am with her, she wanted to goto a bar after we hung out at a friends house, she drank but I didn't pay for it!
I don't want to enable this behavior so I'm trying to avoid these places when I'm with her.
but the question is I know she will want to go, what do I do\say? I can make her pay for her drink but since she doesn't understand what I'm trying to do , she will think I'm being a scumbag.
I don't want to enable this behavior so I'm trying to avoid these places when I'm with her.
but the question is I know she will want to go, what do I do\say? I can make her pay for her drink but since she doesn't understand what I'm trying to do , she will think I'm being a scumbag.
My situation is a bit different from yours. What I was trying to say is that at one time I would have done anything to change my brother, change his friends and change his behaviour etc. Now I realise it was myself I needed to change, my own attitudes and behaviours. I didn't make him do what he does, and I can't stop him doing it.
For the record though I would never buy my brother alcoholic drink even though he's asked me to in the past, and I will not drink around him at family social situations but that's because I choose not to, as I usually drive and have the kids with me.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello
Hello drained,
I identify a lot with you. I believe they are correct in that you need to think about YOUR NEEDS first and foremost. it sucks I know, it is much easier to give control of your life to someone else! I have given it to many people that have not given a damn, a recipe for disaster and much suffering.
You owe nothing to this girl. I believe you can make more friends that are not sick and get closer to the people that really care about you. It has been really hard for me to change my dependant attitude but you should at least try. When I left my axbf NO ONE ever told me "sorry, he was a good catch" quite the contrary, they were all glad I realized I deserved more from a partner. Everyone here is telling you the same. I believe you would be happier with a funny, healthier girl that is not in self-destruct mode. There are plenty of us out there !!
Sometimes we get fixated with a person's acts and become their slave... it is all very sad and heart-breaking but this stage will pass... and later on we will be able to say "thank God, because eventhough it was hard and I did not understand at the time, EVERYTHING happened for the highest good"
I identify a lot with you. I believe they are correct in that you need to think about YOUR NEEDS first and foremost. it sucks I know, it is much easier to give control of your life to someone else! I have given it to many people that have not given a damn, a recipe for disaster and much suffering.
You owe nothing to this girl. I believe you can make more friends that are not sick and get closer to the people that really care about you. It has been really hard for me to change my dependant attitude but you should at least try. When I left my axbf NO ONE ever told me "sorry, he was a good catch" quite the contrary, they were all glad I realized I deserved more from a partner. Everyone here is telling you the same. I believe you would be happier with a funny, healthier girl that is not in self-destruct mode. There are plenty of us out there !!
Sometimes we get fixated with a person's acts and become their slave... it is all very sad and heart-breaking but this stage will pass... and later on we will be able to say "thank God, because eventhough it was hard and I did not understand at the time, EVERYTHING happened for the highest good"
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