Thanks soconfused, im glad someone understands.
i agree some of his nice things were done out of his own guilt- or things he should do.
but i didnt do them! he bought me stuff, took me on dates. i baked and brought it to him at work.... wrote him letters when he lived in another state, and told him how much i loved and cared for him- and tried to work on myself (i started reading the language of love incase we werent speaking the same language, see how i could say i love you to him better. ha. obviously we werent on the same language. then again i think i was trying to see if maybe he was speaking to me in another language that i wasnt picking up on, so maybe that was selfish too, who knows).
Anyway, what im trying to say is that I dont think i did enough just to make it work or "everyday" things in our relationship- and now i cant because i know for sure it wouldnt anyway with him not in recovery or wanting to be.
i dont remember so much good i did.
but i did make a list of things i will do next time.