TryingSoHard

Very long, involved story so I'm not going to post all the details...

Suffice it to say, over the past 6 - 8 months we've had problems with my 14 year old son looking up porn on the computer (and I don't mean just naked women... I mean EXTREMELY graphic porn, the kind that would upset a lot of open-minded adults). We've had discussion after discussion, set rule after rule, CHANGED rule after rule, etc, etc, ad nauseum over the past few months.

It happened again Saturday night (we found out about it yesterday morning); we didn't discuss it with him until later last night. I was at my wit's end, feeling totally helpless and out of options, feeling like he was willfully, maliciously, and intentionally breaking our rules and throwing respect and honesty right out the window, along with all of our trust.

After ranting for at least 20 minutes I asked him if he had anything to say (his answer to that question is ALWAYS no). He said yes. He said that it's not that he is doing things to intentionally hurt us... that he tried to stop doing it... that he doesn't want to say he's addicted, but he feels like he just can't stop.

My baby thinks he is addicted to internet porn.

Talk about changing everything.

I've always wanted my baby to be like me in a lot of respects. I NEVER thought he'd be like me in this respect.

He doesn't know about my alcohol problem. I mean, I'm sure he had opinions about the times he saw me drunk, but I've never told him that I feel I have a problem and I don't think he's even noticed that I've stopped drinking.

I'm considering telling him, so that he can see that I really DO understand what it's like to want to stop something and yet feel like you can't. I don't know yet if I will or not... this is all too raw still... but if it will help him to get better then I will do it in a heartbeat.

I still don't know what to think. That certainly was not what I was expecting to hear.

least

It might well help him to deal productively to his addiction to porn by knowing of your struggle with alcoholism. If he were my kid I think I'd take him to a nice private restaurant and have a nice mother/son talk.

All the best to you!:ghug3

Ananda

Alot of times those closest to us are the ones we are most unable to help. My son is an acloholic, but I realy can't help him...but I know AA will be there for him when he is ready.

Can you see if there are any resources like SR or AA out there for porn addiction? and possibly councelors who work with that.

Providing him with information on where to find help for this or other problems is a great thing that a parent can do.

With you in my heart :ghug

Mark75

Hi TSH

My youngest of 4 kids is 14. I know he's been to sites I wouldn't approve of, but haven't suspected anything upsetting, yet. I am sure you feel somewhat baffled as to what to do, I know I would. What resonated with me, though, was your dilemma about whether to tell him of your addiction.

I had no choice to tell my kids, I was admitted to rehab for 8 weeks. I thought initially it was a 5 day evaluation, but they recommended staying longer! So the educational conference I (We) told them I was going to be at for about a week become a 2 month institutionalization. So we told all the kids (2 college students).

I wrote them all a letter from rehab. I told them in a very direct way why I was there and that that was where I needed to be. It was humbling to say the least. But, not humiliating. It gave me a greater sense of purpose. My sobriety comes first and is for me, but they benefit greatly.

I answer their questions, don't elaborate and always tell them how much better I feel (even when I am having one of those early sobriety days...).

Would your son benefit from knowing about you, now and in the present? Since he kind of raised the issue himself, maybe he would. Addictive behavior, unfortunately for some us, is human behavior. Maybe he would understand himself better. You can help him love and respect himself along the way...

But you know your son, and what he needs to know and what he can handle. It might even help **you** if you decided to be open and rigorously honest...

FWIW ...my 2 cents

tennis71

Sorry to hear about your dilemma.

Have you talked to a professional regarding this? At 14, maybe its normal to be curious about web sites like that. Back when I was growing up it would have been the SI swimsuit issue and the stack of playboys in the closet. Everything is on the internet now so access becomes easier.

Have you done anything to show him that it is OK to be curious but there are healthier ways to find out about sexuality? Again, I would suggest talking to a professional about what is normal these days.

I do think talking to him about your addiction might not be a bad idea. At that age kids know when they are being talked down to, by talking to him as an equal you may be able to get your point across better than a lecture.

One last thought is who is paying for the internet service? Can't you restrict the times that he is online and the websites he visits?

I hope it works out and I do think you are showing great parenting skills in asking advice and staying on top of what your children are doing!

TryingSoHard

Not yet, but that's my plan. It STARTED with the online SI swimsuit issue (a couple of years ago, and might I just add that it's not the SI Swimsuit issue it was back in the days of Kathy Ireland!!!) and progressed from there. I won't list specific sites he's been to because I will get BANNED for it... I'm talking seriously hardcore stuff.

Absolutely, yes. We've had that discussion each and every time we've caught him doing this. We've told him that we're not mad that he's curious - we understand that. But the stuff he's looking at is not an accurate representation of what he can expect sex to be, and also he is not mature enough to be able to mentally process what he is looking at. We believe it is giving him an unrealistic and possibly unhealthy expectation of what sex is/should be. We do not criticize him for being sexually curious... we are just trying to teach him that the way he's going about it isn't the smartest way.

Yes, last night when we were talking about all this I started thinking that maybe it will make him feel better to know I really DO understand, I'm not just blowing smoke. I dunno, I haven't decided about this yet.

Of course we pay for the internet... and we've tried EVERYTHING. I swear. Believe me, where there is a will to get around something, there is a way. We've had blackout times. We've had sites blocked. We've had ratings restrictions. We've had password protection. We've moved the computer out of his room and into the most public room in the house. We've password protected every other computer in the house.

He still finds a way.

I PROMISE you I have tried EVERYTHING I can think of, and I'm a pretty smart cookie. That's why I thought he was just adopting the teenager's "screw you, I'm gonna do what I want no matter what you say" attitude. Addiction never entered my mind, not once.

Thank you.

Dean62

Addiction to porn is everywhere now that we have the internet. I have a freind who has this problem. He calls it SA (sex addiction). He goes to 12 step SA meetings and we have gone to AA meetings together. I have tried to help him as it relates to addiction. The way it has affected his life is very much like any addiction. It has ruined two marriages, he isolates, he has been to jail, he even has work attendance problems because of it. The list of similarities goes on and on. If you google it you will find there is a common progressive pattern. What your son is looking at gets progressively worse just like our drinking gets worse. The fact that what he is looking at isn't "soft" porn or whatever is probably a good indicator he has an addiction problem. If in fact he is addicted then of course he should get some help. Addiction is progressive and my friend didn't go to jail for just looking at porn. It progresses from fantasy to reality.

I don't mean to act like an authority TSH. I only have one experience to go by and what he has told me. Since there are 12 step programs for SA you can work the steps together and be supportive so check into it. If you want to talk you can pm me anytime.

TryingSoHard

Thank you, Dean.

four812

when I was about 8 some adults in my life (a couple who rented in the basement of our house), encouraged me to get naked and dance and then let me look at the lady naked and stuff....

it opened the door of imagination and a whole secret world of power and wonder.

from that point on I was very sexual. sexualized.

perhaps something brought his "sexualized" thoughts pattern besides the provocative television set?

lots of good stuff said here

Anna

I can imagine how your son`s confession surprised you.

I totally agree with getting professional help. Fourteen years old is really young to try to grapple with the complexities of addiction. Getting the proper help for him at this time, might save him from a lot of pain later on in his life.

stone

I was going to make that point. As a man who did have access to some hard core porn as a teenager...my access was the occasional video borrowed from a friend, very different to what it is like with the internet now.

It did give me a false idea of sex and women, a somewhat warped one but I grew out of it pretty quickly when I started having relationships and real sex.

TryingSoHard

ksplash, that's certainly a possibility that I hadn't thought of. Thank you for sharing that. I will definitely find a tactful and gentle way to bring questions about that into our next discussion.

At this point I certainly believe that anything is possible.

Anna, yes, I think 14 is just way too young. I personally think 14 is too young for almost anything sexual, but most DEFINITELY the kind of sexual things he's been looking at. And the thought that he could struggle with an addiction that could affect his future relationships, and the rest of his LIFE... well it just breaks my heart into a million pieces. He's too young to have to fight this battle. He's got too much good life ahead of him.

He's a good kid. He's a smart kid. He's a very sensitive and sweet person. God do I want him to stay that way.

I have no idea how I've stayed sober for the past 24 hours.

TryingSoHard

Thank you so much for saying that. That is the ONE THOUGHT and hope that has kept me even semi-sane since our discussion last night. Part of me is clinging to the hope that once he develops a REAL sexual life and sees what is "normal" (for lack of a better word, not implying that pornography is abnormal) that he will "snap out of it". Part of me is really hoping that this is so intense for him right now because it's unknown and very exciting.

I'm in no way trying to belittle the situation or its importance. I'm just trying to cling to some semblance of hope that he will be ok.

Mattcake

Trying, professional helps sounds like a good idea. In the meantime, maybe you could try to stay calm. It would be interesting to figure out what your son calls an "addiction", and what it means to him.

Addictive behaviour can start at any age of course, but maybe a qualified person should determine what's going on. In the meantime, and at this point, maybe it's best to avoid telling him about your own struggles? Also, do you think it's at all possible that your own fears might be at play too? I hope you can get some answers soon, this must be very upsetting.

TryingSoHard

Yes, matt, everything you said is relevant. There's so much running through my mind that it's almost difficult to tell what's real and what I've imagined. I'm really good at playing the "worst case scenario" game in my mind.

We haven't discussed it again yet. I plan on having another talk with him to try to get a better feel for what he means when he says he feels like he just can't stop. He did say that he's never tried to look anything up at a friend's house or at school, just at home, so maybe that's a positive thing. I figure right now we'll take some baby steps - I don't want to push it and wind up pushing him away or making him stop talking.

But yes, I've already picked out a counselor and will not hesitate to make an appointment for him if that's what's in his best interests.

stone

To be extremely curious is totally normal at that age and the internet just makes it so easy to see graphic stuff that gives a false idea of sex.

On the one hand I would be hoping he grows out of it and on the other hand I would be worried too. I would also be worried about labeling him an addict when what he is doing is pretty understandable for his age.

You sound pretty level-headed about it IMO, I think he is lucky to have you for a mom.

TryingSoHard

You have no idea how much I appreciate hearing that right now. Thank you again, very much.

colagirl

TSH - I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I hope this all turns out OK.

:ghug3

Pelican

I have 3 children. I also have a copy of "Kinsey Institute's New Report on Sex". I privately went through the basics with each child and used the book for illustration. Now that book is on the shelf with other books and they can access it whenever they want and read at their own pace/curiosity. I wanted to be sure my children understand all they can before they become intimate. I thrive on facts, and unfortunately my sex facts were learned from peers. I am just tossing that title out as an option. There are many good books about sex that offer facts in a clinical, non-errotic manner. As they mature, their curiosity changes.

By the way, there is a sex quiz in the book. I thought I knew a lot, but I scored poorly on the test. It made me realize that if I can get my facts wrong, just imagine the misinformation that my kids could be picking up from peers! Scary!

Dean62

Viewing porn doesn't make him a bad kid. I know as a father how emotional it is because we want the best for our kids and feel like it is our job to protect them. Staying with your program of sobriety is best for both of you. :ghug3