murphy75

Sorry i haven't updated you in a while. I've had an incredibly difficult time with everything lately and i'm in need of help... Let me explain my past month for you: My best friend's mom was killed because a stupid 19 year old got wasted and high and decided to go on a joy ride and hit her car and flipped it three times, then i found out i was pregnant, the man i love more than anything and the possible father of my baby killed himself, then i had to be rushed to the hospital because something went wrong with my pregnancy and i ended up losing the baby and i almost died, and then my drunk uncle called my house harrasing my mother about me being irresponible and getting knocked up at seventeen, and finally in order to pay for my medical bills i have to work two jobs and i have been dealing drugs on the side and i still don't have enough.... it's been hard. i relapsed once during this whole thing and i feel horrible about it. I've reached a bottom in my life. i honestly don't see how this could possibly get worse and it's all my fault. i've reached an emotional low to the point were i don't feel anything anymore... i need help. i don't know how to get things to be better... any suggestions?

Anna

Hi Murphy,

I am so sorry about all that you are going through.

I wonder if your school has a counsellor that you could talk to? It seems like that might be a good place to start.

If not, maybe you could talk to your dr and he could refer you to a counsellor.

I hope you find some peace in your life.

CarolD

I totally agree with Anna...
and I send you prayers for peace.

murphy75

right now i'm talking with a doctor about everything and trying to make sure i'm physically ok. i need to make sure i'm physically ok before i start working on anything else...

Hope

I'm sorry for all that you are going through.

It is good that you are talking to a doctor and trying to make sure everything is okay physically.

Don't give up.

murphy75

i feel like giving up.... more than anything...

BeamMeUpScotty

It seems you need to be working on many things, which can be difficult to comprehend sometimes. You aren't being selfish by concentrating on yourself in times like these.

Stop dealing drugs--NOW!! The absolute last thing you need is to get busted. You'll hope for the problems you have now if you're sitting in jail.

Look in the yellow pages for free counseling and other services. There are people out there to help you, especially at your age.

Good luck to you.

BMUS

BeamMeUpScotty

I know that feeling...been there myself. I'm now a teacher in a college. If I can make it, so can you. It will take time and effort, but you only have one time on this earth that we know about for sure, so don't give up. You owe yourself and those in your life (and those yet to be in your life) a lot of love.

You are a good person and you can not only get through this, but come out ahead.

BMUS

four812

hi murphy

you've been through a lot. it's good that you recognize you part in it. it's good that you've already been honest with a doctor that should help you get off on a good path.

i can relate to the feeling of giving up. I've been there many times in my life with chronic depression (waking up everyday for, say, 6 months or more and wanting to die). also my gf is in the hospital with this depression right now.

it's hard. Advise often doesn't help. there's probably nothing I can do to help you, right now. except to listen maybe is the best thing that i can do for you.

so keep writing if you want

you can pm me and i could talk with you on the phone if you like. i took tomorrow off of work and i don't feel even close to sleeping yet.

i'm gonna find something that might be nice to read....

hang in there...you're goodness, is inside of you. somewhere. still. it's in you. you can't sense it right now. but you will sometime or someday. just hang on

murphy75

thank you. it's just hard with everything happening at once. i know dealing is bad but i need money for my medical bills. i need it... once i get enough i'm done.

BeamMeUpScotty

Look in the yellow pages for free financial advisers. Many time you can negotiate with doctors/hospitals/care providers/etc... to make a payment plan and/or delay payments until you get on your feet. Dealing has a much higher failure rate than asking for legal help, and imagine lawyer bills piling up on top of medical bills.

Search out your options. I know you are very young and maybe you don't know about your options. But, believe it or not, most people and places prefer to get a little honest money than no money, which is what they'll get if you're in jail.

four812

here is a poem of mine:

Never turn back
(by ksplash5)

After the storm
the peace is so great
like warm winter snow fallin midst the sun
Then Light fills your heart
with conviction so strong you begin
once again on the path
that leads to your dreams
which are revealed more each day
that you live in the light

so never turn back to darkness
or things that transport you back
to that place of complete living hell
and when it hurts just keep hanging on
and someday you will be well!

murphy75

i wont go to jail. i think i'll be ok. i know it's risky but i've done it before and i'm fine. i'm done once i pay off my surgery

Dee74

so your best friends mom got killed by someone who got wasted and high - but it's still OK for you to deal?

You need to think that through.

I'm sorry - I know times are hard, and you may be the nicest person in the world, but dealing drugs is dealing misery, and you're a part of that chain, like it or not....

On a more pragmatic note - it's not good for you to end up arrested, and no-ones immune from that, however small time you are. That would be a way of going even lower.

You need to start making smarter choices Murphy - start with not dealing.
D

gypsytears

I agree with everyone else... stop dealing. Your life can get worse if you get busted. Quit now and then focus on recovery. I am sorry that so much bad has happened in a short time but you have the power to start making it better. Now .

murphy75

i know i shouldn't be dealing but i need the money. i know it's not worth it and it's so messed up that i would be dealing and my surgeries are no excuse but i just don't know what else to do. if you have any ideas i'd love to hear them but i'm running out of options. i already work two jobs and go to school....

Ananda

I do not believe you can be sent to jail for not paying a medical expense. My expereince with dr.s and hospitals is that i have to talk to them about a long term payment plan.

Have you talked with your creditors regarding a payment plan that you can meet?

IO Storm

Hi Murphy.

1. Go to your local Health and Human Resources (County) Office and apply for a

retroactive medical card to cover the pregnancy and the loss..it should cover

everything. Don't wait..go now.

2. Everything Dee said.

Yep. You are part of the "system" that contributed to that kid hitting

your friend's mom's car..by dealing, you are contributing.

Please apply for the medical card for your expenses...

I hope this works for you.

And..you can work a recovery program with a clean conscience.

There is no need to give up..please don't.

murphy75

i just feel like there is no hope for anything anymore.... i'm going to try to get one of those cards... they wont tell my parents will they?

gypsytears

Will the police tell your parents if you get busted?

Sorry, telling your parents just seems a silly thing to be worried over right now.

IO might know more... aren't there privacy laws of some sort with the medical cards?

And yes, at this point there is hope for you. Don't give up on yourself.