LucyA

Today just isn’t a good day, I honestly don’t know why though. Everything has been cool here since my brother came out of hospital, I set new boundaries and I stuck to them.
My mum was buying him groceries and leaving them here for him to collect, he ‘forgot’ and I was on pins wondering if he was going to turn up drunk. I told her it wasn’t my business what she bought for him but explained why I wouldn’t have it here again.
Anyway, apart from that everything has been great, kids are fine, work is good, we’re going on holiday in a fortnight but I feel so sad. I don’t think I’m depressed, I’ve been there before and it doesn’t feel like that, I just feel sad.
Sad that life can turn out so different for my brother and other A’s, I’m sad that he was one of the ones who ‘had it all’ and appeared to either lose it or throw it all away.
Sad that he’s so gifted and made a life from his gift, but doesn’t have the confidence anymore to do the simples jobs (he started his business repairing stained glass windows in churches and making his own, even designing them)
I’m sad that the rest of my family suffer because we love him, sad that it affects other relationships in the family.
Just sad in general today.

I used to think he really had it all, happily married, nice big house, blue eyed boy of the family. I wouldn’t change places with him now though, not for anything, I know I’m sad today, but I’ve had nowhere near the torment and losses he’s had.

I wonder if the ‘just for today’ line will work? Just for today I will be sad, tomorrow is another day and it’ll be a happier one.

sunflowerintx

All I can offer are hugs.... :ghug3

It is incredibly sad to sit on the outskirts and see so much potential in someone you love... I see it in my AH and my children have to see it in their father.

grateful2b

(((LucyA)))
our feelings are what they are, just feelings, but we need to honor them....let yourself have a sad day , just for today...giving voice to our feelings helps in the release of them...
giving ourselves the space to experience our feelings helps (as long as we don't tarry) then hopefully we can move on....
I am sorry you are sad...
I am excited for you on your upcoming trip though, sounds divine and just in time!
hug and prayers for you, Lucy...have a safe and restful vacation with your family... Grateful

denny57

((( lucya )))

LucyA

Thanks guys, typing it all and actually putting into words how I'm feeling helped a bit. Maybe it's a good sign that I feel sad, I've felt numb for so long I thought something was wrong and I'd never feel anything again. It's really a bit of a relief to feel something.

FormerDoormat

I've come to realize that I didn't suffer because I loved an alcoholic. I suffered because I didn't love myself and allowed others to take advantage of me.

Freedom1990

:ghug3

Bernadette

I know these rolling waves of sadness too. I'm overall an upbeat person but I definitely can get blue. Just last week I spoke to one brother - he says he has 60+ days - he's going to AA etc. I am happy for him, truly. But a day or so after that confab I just got really blue thinking about our phone call. He sounded so fragile - like a shell of a man. Alcoholism has taken so much from him. And - as someone who has been in and out of AlAnon for 20 years - it was hard/weird for me to see so clearly that he is really at the BEGINNING of recovery, he has few tools (but hopefully he's building his kit!) and, I don't know - it just made me sad all over again about this horrible disease and all its done to him and to his life and to our family. You know. It's just so SERIOUS. And even the aftermath, the ideal aftermath which is recovery, sobriety, it presents all new challenges....not easy.

I like what you said about just for today- I think that is wise- just for today I will feel sad. It's good to FEEL our feelings all the way through and not stuff them...and that takes time.

((((hugs)))) wishing you sunny skies tomorrow...
Peace-
B.

LucyA

I think that's so true FormerDoormat, although it was really my parents I was thinking about when I typed that, not myself, I'm selfish enough to look after me these days, I need to for the childrens sake, my parents aren't though. They're retired and have too much time on their hands to think and 'help' in their own ways. It saddens me that they have this situation at a time when they should be kicking back and taking things easy (and looking after themselves)
I'm sad too about going to al anon with my mum. The way that came about was I asked her to keep an eye on the kids just in case I wasn't back in time after school, she asked me what it was so I explained it was to help me deal with my bro's addiciton, I explained it wasnt for him it was for me blah blah blah (may as well have said that) and she asked if she could come with me. When we came out she said 'well that was a waste of time, I thought they'd tell you how to help him'
All that after I'd been moved to tears and realised that al anon was what I need right now.

I'm not really the best at expressing myself, I know what I need to do, and I think I do it most of the time. I have as little contact with him as possible, because thats how I find it best for me. I do look after me, and I put myself first now.

I saw him this morning, I was on my way to a meeting, walking for a change, and I almost didn't recognise him. He really is a shell of what he used to be. And to be honest, I don't even like him anymore. He just said hello as we passed and I said the same, I felt no urge to stop and chat as we would have done once.

denny57

When I was visiting back East, my mom said she wanted to come to an Al Anon meeting with me. After we left, she said "I didn't have it anywhere near like those people."

My mother's father, an alcoholic, shot and killed himself in the parlor. He waited until my mother, then 16, got home from high school to do it. She had defied him that morning by staying after school for a pep rally.

Rella927

Lucy so sorry that you are going through this right now-

I learned early on in the start of my recovery that my recovery was just that
my recovery-I kept my Al-Anon to myself as it was my "safe place" just like
my counseling. I did however approach my mother with somethings that I felt I was
ready to confront her on- and got the same response as I have heard so often in
these forums "Your life was not that bad" it is the denial that I no longer have to deal
with-

I can say that today I get along better with my mother and that is because of the work that I have done- "nothing changes if nothing changes". I do not allow her or anyone to suck me into their drama!

My one brother of 6 (3 A's) had my mother so wrapped up with his manipulation it was extremely sad! My brother too had everything a job making over 100,000.00 a beautiful home blah blah blah but drank it all away and destroyed his life-he was given many chances to start over and was given help among help. Not once did he make the choice of recovery-Jail, DUI's, Loss of home, jobs-he kept repeating this over and over-now with his 6th DUI and 4th house loss and 5th job loss he is in jail for a year after only getting out after 9 months in January-

It is all very said but IMHO my recovery has taught me that I can feel sad for him because of this horrible disease-and I can feel compassion but I do not need to be allow it to consume me nor do I have to participate in it! So I have learned to detach with love and say prayers for him-that he finds his way and makes the right choices someday for himself. I love him and can feel sad for him but only for today!

And yes It will work if you allow it too

LucyA

What a difference a day makes! Today has been nothing like yesterday, I've hardly thought of my brother and all the stuff that goes with him.

I've had a lazy Lucy day off and it's been great.

Thanks for the support yesterday everyone, I appreciate it.

peaceteach

Glad to hear today is better, Lucy. I had a crummy day yesterday myself, but today was also better. Maybe it was the full moon!

Mair

I had a silly day yesterday too. Glad your feeling better Lucy x

Gill