Is it wrong to feel this bad
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Southeast
Posts: 114
Is it wrong to feel this bad
I am new to the forum and I thank the people who started and contribute their experiences to it.
Reading through the TOS I am careful to ask for some direction without triggering someone or getting too descriptive, so with that in mind, please be patient with my questions.
I became involved with a man I met about a year ago. He was divorced after a long term marriage and has a teen daughter whom lived with him when they divorced, but then moved in with her mother.
I was aware he had been addicted to hydro during his marriage, after a prescription for an injury several yrs ago. He struggled with addiction and went to rehab the first time on his mother's $ only to w/d from the program. The counselors told him he would be back.
He lost his job and relapsed. He was depressed and his wife went back to work to support the family. He doctor shopped for his script and fell into his self described depressive hell. He was crying all the time and in bed daily. Unable to live a normal productive life. He claims his wife paid no attention to his depression and addiction. I do not know how much of his account of her is due to his hystrionic personality.
His mother paid for him to go to rehab a second time. This time he was treated with opioids and again, described the hell he experienced as a result of his coming off the drugs. He got to a point where he did not want to leave the safety of rehab. But eventually he did and went home.
His wife filed for divorce after 20 yrs. They had agreed to stay in the home together for one yr and pay off the bills and carefully design the divorce so as not to hurt their teen...., but he was involved with someone online in a LD relationship and his wife decided to file then and not wait out a yr. He was angry.
I met him while he was with this lady who was clear across the US that he was having an online relationship with. He and she were fighting constantly and having text messaging wars non stop. She was addicted to furocet (sp?) and other script drugs. At one point he was ordering them online for her. She had lost custody of her 5 kids and lived with her mother. He wanted her to move here and help her with her addiction by cutting her back on her meds. Well she wanted her own room in his home and that kind of should have served as one more red flag for him. So that relationship crashed and burned. He had met her ONCE and their time as a couple was limited to three months.
He and I met and I liked him. He was funny and I was not well versed in addiction whatsoever so I was naive to say the least. I told him I had taken hydro once for a wk for a broken bone. I said it made me feel NORMAL and happy but I researched it and realized it was a bad thing to like. I could project ahead the potential for disaster and consciously recognized this was not a logical nor safe drug to take for me long term.
When I told him about it, his eyes lit up and he talked about his addiction with an almost long lost love affair....and how he was recovered two yrs now. I believed him.
So he fell for me hard and fast and I was a bit taken aback. His divorce was final the month I met him as was mine. My ex husband have a good report and he and I had been physically separated for yrs before we filed and made it legit. I was used to being alone. My ex had a gf and I had had a bf once we moved out of one anothers house. We had shared custody and got on well with one another.
As I dated this man, the bf, he told me he loved me in no less than 2 weeks and could see him marrying me. He was so overly passionate but oddly so.
Time passed and he got mad at me one day for something trivial and called me a very foul abusive name for a female body part. He later called my best friend and told he he screwed up and was sorry and would she talk to me about it. He sent flowers and begged me to take him back and he promised he would never say that again. My ex bf called me those names and had a temper problem and he promised me he would never say that to me...but he did.
I forgave him. DUH I KNOW. His temper was something that was not obvious I have come to learn when he was using. But I did not know he was using.
He was having internal bleeding that was due to constipation caused by the drugs, he was given a script for over 100 hydro at one visit that I attended with him when he had internal hemeroids...common problem with opiate usage. He had thrown a blood clot yrs ago and it lodged. in his chest and required a transfusion and surgery but he refused the surgery. He lost huge amounts of blood and became anemic.
He asked me to marry him and then retracted it the day after new years. After we told the kids. That alone hurt. I knew he was using hydro for his hemmeroids - easier to use than to get treatment for the problem.
When he had that script I said I thought you couldnt take narcs after being an addict. He said he didnt want them to control him and he wanted to be in charge. i then realized he was more and more into his addiction and the BS about him being recovered was complete crap. I left him.
He became suicidal and manipulative - screaming at me then apologizing...begging me back saying he would end his life if I didnt take him back.
I fell in love with the guy who I thought was clean and the underlying angry man beneath his drugs was breaking through. I also found out he had a son from a gal he had sex with in college. His monther paid his CS until this young man was 18. He told me he paid for it but I came to find the receipts denoting his mother had paid.
Sadly enough he had no contact with the child ever, though his family tried a few times. He claimed his ex wife refused him to visit the son because she was concerned the boys mother would hit him up for more money. Nothing could keep me from my child NOTHING. My therapist says this is a character flaw. Selfishness by the design of addiction. His teen daughter did not know she has a sibling.
We broke up a number of times due to his irrational drug using behavior. Of course I was always the blame. He was addicted since I knew him. He went from Dr Shopping to online diversion and ended up with ultracet and muscle relaxants.
We were engaged and I took him to my family reuinion after a long fight about his ultram addiction. I was afriad he would die if left alone. I stayedu p six hours all night listening to him tell me he was going to committ suicide. I talked him down and brought him on the trip. I was telling him I didnt want him to go because I found he had a profile on match dot you know who looking for his soulmate after one fight we had about his using, he had the dog i gave him on his profile and said he was looking for his soulmate. Gee he told me that was ME.
After that I tookd him anyways to meet the family. He asked my dad to marry me and my family embraced him. His family was against it and considered me the enemy because they had their baby brother in their talons of control. Part of the reason he was down and had no esteem and turned to drugs.
I tried to get him into rehab but he had excuses for the poor health care system and no coverage or time off work. He claimed to be going to NA but never went.
Fourth of July thing improved and he wanted to move into my home. I said ok. he was using again. So we waited a bit.
We had one of our usual addiction talks and he became resistant after he had lied to me three times about using...and he dumped me for two days. Wrote me a poem and I was pregnant an miscarrying at the time. He knew something was wrong with me female speaking...so I drove to his house one night and caught him with this beautiful addict half my age in his drive. I asked who she was...he said a friend. I said i was there to tell him I miscarried and to thank him for the poem. The girl got out of his car screaming at me and trying to hit me. I left and was devastated. I still had the engagement ring on. I gave it it him and fled.
She phoned my cell over an over and I cut off all contact with him. My sister with whom he was close with called him. he was using again and crying into the phone to her. I filed a complaint to the PD stating his new gf was harassing me and calling me.
He moved her in within one week of knowing her and gave her my engagement ring telling her he loved her. Eventually he began texting me apologizing and saying she tried to attempt suicide the night previous.
I said kick her out. My god he had moved her in in a week! her stuff was all over his house and there was no way it was habitable. He said he wanted to get clean after watching her druel and pass out. She said lets die togther and pulled out once of his firearms. He said NO i want o get clean and she said you need drugs is all.
He asked me to emeet him at the PD with my report from my PD to evict her. He proclaimed his love for me in front of the officer and the officer told him what a slob he was and he would file an immediate removal of her from his hom in the morning and to get away from her or she would end his life. She knew he was going to end her life and possibly his. She knew we was coming to meet me.
I told him to seperate the bullets and dispose of the guns at the PD.
While at the PD turns out she was wanted and had lost custody of her kids and had just assaulted her BF the day she met my bf. She ran into him at a pharmacy and asked him for a ride home. They exchanged numbers and he was totally enagaged with me at the time.
After the PD we went to talk about him going to rcovery. he was apologetic and so in love with me and needed NA and rehab. He called me on his way home...she had ended her life. i raced back to the house and he had no where to go so I took him home. His ex wife said she left because of his addiction and was not going to be part of it anymore.
He moved in and expected me to be over the death and betrayal in 5 wks. He never paid me one cent to help with the bills. His family was horrible to me and blamed me for this girls death because of mine and his on off relationship stating she would be alive if we werent back n forth.
I took him to my counselor on my bill and made him go to NA and it was an effective great group. i knew a lot of the participants throughmy job.
I had to kick him out when he was screaming he didnt love anyone or anything. His violence and anger was horrible. He was struggling with PAW and refused to see it.
After my hand holding him and trying to help him he hurt me so badly.
The other day he called after I ignornired him for one month. I met with him and he started up that crap about how he missed me. I had been accused of drug useage in a new job ;ast wk just after my sons best friend and co worker had been murdered in a shooting in ATLANTA. I left that pain at the door as I was a champion for this good teenager. I was humiliated and angry that I was met by a cop and an emt and accused of the very thing I am completely against.
now my ex wont speak to me and changed hhis number and found anothr gf.
Why does this hurt. Is it normal? Why am I do depressed and feel valueless. He uses me and dumps me when he realizes the call of drugs and hot women are far more exciting than the familiar who expects a good life and clean one.
Im so depressed at how I was treated and I know my job was thwarted by a vengeful call from him.
Is this mornal - the pushpull from addicts? Am i not worthy of love???? Please help me i feel so down. So used.
Reading through the TOS I am careful to ask for some direction without triggering someone or getting too descriptive, so with that in mind, please be patient with my questions.
I became involved with a man I met about a year ago. He was divorced after a long term marriage and has a teen daughter whom lived with him when they divorced, but then moved in with her mother.
I was aware he had been addicted to hydro during his marriage, after a prescription for an injury several yrs ago. He struggled with addiction and went to rehab the first time on his mother's $ only to w/d from the program. The counselors told him he would be back.
He lost his job and relapsed. He was depressed and his wife went back to work to support the family. He doctor shopped for his script and fell into his self described depressive hell. He was crying all the time and in bed daily. Unable to live a normal productive life. He claims his wife paid no attention to his depression and addiction. I do not know how much of his account of her is due to his hystrionic personality.
His mother paid for him to go to rehab a second time. This time he was treated with opioids and again, described the hell he experienced as a result of his coming off the drugs. He got to a point where he did not want to leave the safety of rehab. But eventually he did and went home.
His wife filed for divorce after 20 yrs. They had agreed to stay in the home together for one yr and pay off the bills and carefully design the divorce so as not to hurt their teen...., but he was involved with someone online in a LD relationship and his wife decided to file then and not wait out a yr. He was angry.
I met him while he was with this lady who was clear across the US that he was having an online relationship with. He and she were fighting constantly and having text messaging wars non stop. She was addicted to furocet (sp?) and other script drugs. At one point he was ordering them online for her. She had lost custody of her 5 kids and lived with her mother. He wanted her to move here and help her with her addiction by cutting her back on her meds. Well she wanted her own room in his home and that kind of should have served as one more red flag for him. So that relationship crashed and burned. He had met her ONCE and their time as a couple was limited to three months.
He and I met and I liked him. He was funny and I was not well versed in addiction whatsoever so I was naive to say the least. I told him I had taken hydro once for a wk for a broken bone. I said it made me feel NORMAL and happy but I researched it and realized it was a bad thing to like. I could project ahead the potential for disaster and consciously recognized this was not a logical nor safe drug to take for me long term.
When I told him about it, his eyes lit up and he talked about his addiction with an almost long lost love affair....and how he was recovered two yrs now. I believed him.
So he fell for me hard and fast and I was a bit taken aback. His divorce was final the month I met him as was mine. My ex husband have a good report and he and I had been physically separated for yrs before we filed and made it legit. I was used to being alone. My ex had a gf and I had had a bf once we moved out of one anothers house. We had shared custody and got on well with one another.
As I dated this man, the bf, he told me he loved me in no less than 2 weeks and could see him marrying me. He was so overly passionate but oddly so.
Time passed and he got mad at me one day for something trivial and called me a very foul abusive name for a female body part. He later called my best friend and told he he screwed up and was sorry and would she talk to me about it. He sent flowers and begged me to take him back and he promised he would never say that again. My ex bf called me those names and had a temper problem and he promised me he would never say that to me...but he did.
I forgave him. DUH I KNOW. His temper was something that was not obvious I have come to learn when he was using. But I did not know he was using.
He was having internal bleeding that was due to constipation caused by the drugs, he was given a script for over 100 hydro at one visit that I attended with him when he had internal hemeroids...common problem with opiate usage. He had thrown a blood clot yrs ago and it lodged. in his chest and required a transfusion and surgery but he refused the surgery. He lost huge amounts of blood and became anemic.
He asked me to marry him and then retracted it the day after new years. After we told the kids. That alone hurt. I knew he was using hydro for his hemmeroids - easier to use than to get treatment for the problem.
When he had that script I said I thought you couldnt take narcs after being an addict. He said he didnt want them to control him and he wanted to be in charge. i then realized he was more and more into his addiction and the BS about him being recovered was complete crap. I left him.
He became suicidal and manipulative - screaming at me then apologizing...begging me back saying he would end his life if I didnt take him back.
I fell in love with the guy who I thought was clean and the underlying angry man beneath his drugs was breaking through. I also found out he had a son from a gal he had sex with in college. His monther paid his CS until this young man was 18. He told me he paid for it but I came to find the receipts denoting his mother had paid.
Sadly enough he had no contact with the child ever, though his family tried a few times. He claimed his ex wife refused him to visit the son because she was concerned the boys mother would hit him up for more money. Nothing could keep me from my child NOTHING. My therapist says this is a character flaw. Selfishness by the design of addiction. His teen daughter did not know she has a sibling.
We broke up a number of times due to his irrational drug using behavior. Of course I was always the blame. He was addicted since I knew him. He went from Dr Shopping to online diversion and ended up with ultracet and muscle relaxants.
We were engaged and I took him to my family reuinion after a long fight about his ultram addiction. I was afriad he would die if left alone. I stayedu p six hours all night listening to him tell me he was going to committ suicide. I talked him down and brought him on the trip. I was telling him I didnt want him to go because I found he had a profile on match dot you know who looking for his soulmate after one fight we had about his using, he had the dog i gave him on his profile and said he was looking for his soulmate. Gee he told me that was ME.
After that I tookd him anyways to meet the family. He asked my dad to marry me and my family embraced him. His family was against it and considered me the enemy because they had their baby brother in their talons of control. Part of the reason he was down and had no esteem and turned to drugs.
I tried to get him into rehab but he had excuses for the poor health care system and no coverage or time off work. He claimed to be going to NA but never went.
Fourth of July thing improved and he wanted to move into my home. I said ok. he was using again. So we waited a bit.
We had one of our usual addiction talks and he became resistant after he had lied to me three times about using...and he dumped me for two days. Wrote me a poem and I was pregnant an miscarrying at the time. He knew something was wrong with me female speaking...so I drove to his house one night and caught him with this beautiful addict half my age in his drive. I asked who she was...he said a friend. I said i was there to tell him I miscarried and to thank him for the poem. The girl got out of his car screaming at me and trying to hit me. I left and was devastated. I still had the engagement ring on. I gave it it him and fled.
She phoned my cell over an over and I cut off all contact with him. My sister with whom he was close with called him. he was using again and crying into the phone to her. I filed a complaint to the PD stating his new gf was harassing me and calling me.
He moved her in within one week of knowing her and gave her my engagement ring telling her he loved her. Eventually he began texting me apologizing and saying she tried to attempt suicide the night previous.
I said kick her out. My god he had moved her in in a week! her stuff was all over his house and there was no way it was habitable. He said he wanted to get clean after watching her druel and pass out. She said lets die togther and pulled out once of his firearms. He said NO i want o get clean and she said you need drugs is all.
He asked me to emeet him at the PD with my report from my PD to evict her. He proclaimed his love for me in front of the officer and the officer told him what a slob he was and he would file an immediate removal of her from his hom in the morning and to get away from her or she would end his life. She knew he was going to end her life and possibly his. She knew we was coming to meet me.
I told him to seperate the bullets and dispose of the guns at the PD.
While at the PD turns out she was wanted and had lost custody of her kids and had just assaulted her BF the day she met my bf. She ran into him at a pharmacy and asked him for a ride home. They exchanged numbers and he was totally enagaged with me at the time.
After the PD we went to talk about him going to rcovery. he was apologetic and so in love with me and needed NA and rehab. He called me on his way home...she had ended her life. i raced back to the house and he had no where to go so I took him home. His ex wife said she left because of his addiction and was not going to be part of it anymore.
He moved in and expected me to be over the death and betrayal in 5 wks. He never paid me one cent to help with the bills. His family was horrible to me and blamed me for this girls death because of mine and his on off relationship stating she would be alive if we werent back n forth.
I took him to my counselor on my bill and made him go to NA and it was an effective great group. i knew a lot of the participants throughmy job.
I had to kick him out when he was screaming he didnt love anyone or anything. His violence and anger was horrible. He was struggling with PAW and refused to see it.
After my hand holding him and trying to help him he hurt me so badly.
The other day he called after I ignornired him for one month. I met with him and he started up that crap about how he missed me. I had been accused of drug useage in a new job ;ast wk just after my sons best friend and co worker had been murdered in a shooting in ATLANTA. I left that pain at the door as I was a champion for this good teenager. I was humiliated and angry that I was met by a cop and an emt and accused of the very thing I am completely against.
now my ex wont speak to me and changed hhis number and found anothr gf.
Why does this hurt. Is it normal? Why am I do depressed and feel valueless. He uses me and dumps me when he realizes the call of drugs and hot women are far more exciting than the familiar who expects a good life and clean one.
Im so depressed at how I was treated and I know my job was thwarted by a vengeful call from him.
Is this mornal - the pushpull from addicts? Am i not worthy of love???? Please help me i feel so down. So used.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Hi! Read the "stickies" at the top of the forum topics.
Addicts are just so manipulative. None of this is your fault, but the best thing to do is just RUN and don't look back! It isn't likely to ever get better with this guy. Then forgive yourself for falling for an addict and move on. Please, don't allow yourself to get sucked back in. If that proves to be easier said than done, stick around here and we'll help you. as far as the feelings, totally normal!
Addicts are just so manipulative. None of this is your fault, but the best thing to do is just RUN and don't look back! It isn't likely to ever get better with this guy. Then forgive yourself for falling for an addict and move on. Please, don't allow yourself to get sucked back in. If that proves to be easier said than done, stick around here and we'll help you. as far as the feelings, totally normal!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Honey, Sleepygoat has gave you some great advice. Consider this a lesson you learned & don't start second guessing yourself. From what you have posted here you are much better off without him.
Your feelings are totally normal, just don't act on them.
Your feelings are totally normal, just don't act on them.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Neverwanted,
IMO, we crave wanting to feel needed and useful, when we have the signs of codependence.
The bottom line is you need to work on you. To realize that you are worth WAY more than this addict you were involved with.
Welcome to Sober Recovery....
Sometimes for us to get better it's a long road.....
Stick with us, and feel better soon....
IMO, we crave wanting to feel needed and useful, when we have the signs of codependence.
The bottom line is you need to work on you. To realize that you are worth WAY more than this addict you were involved with.
Welcome to Sober Recovery....
Sometimes for us to get better it's a long road.....
Stick with us, and feel better soon....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I agree with Sleepy....get away from him and don't look back. All the chaos and drama that was involved in your relationship is NOT normal.
As Moose said, these are signs of codependence. I know...I'm a big codie, and a recovering addict. I spent decades with men who were wrong with me because my warped sense of self thought that's all I deserved.
We all deserve to be treated with respect, and if someone says "I love you", the actions should match the words. That won't happen with an addict.
A good book to read is "codependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. I read it years ago, didn't think it applied to me, but I should have paid attention. I would have saved myself a lot of grief.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree with Sleepy....get away from him and don't look back. All the chaos and drama that was involved in your relationship is NOT normal.
As Moose said, these are signs of codependence. I know...I'm a big codie, and a recovering addict. I spent decades with men who were wrong with me because my warped sense of self thought that's all I deserved.
We all deserve to be treated with respect, and if someone says "I love you", the actions should match the words. That won't happen with an addict.
A good book to read is "codependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. I read it years ago, didn't think it applied to me, but I should have paid attention. I would have saved myself a lot of grief.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Neverwanted,
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are experiencing the pain you are in, but there is a better way.
As the others have said, codependency is the name of what is going on. And the only way for you to begin to feel better is to start looking within yourself to see what part you play in all of this.
There is GREAT information on this board and very wise folks. Lots of us were where you are and have started the road to recovery. Some are farther down that road than others, but it doesn't matter. The message is there is hope for a better life for you. But it will take work. And you have to decide how much more miserable you want to get before you'll take a step toward getting better.
I'd recommend finding an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in our area and attend a few times at least. And keep reading here. I combined face to face meetings along with the board and both have turned my life for the better.
Hugs and prayers for you. You're in a place here at SR where we understand.
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are experiencing the pain you are in, but there is a better way.
As the others have said, codependency is the name of what is going on. And the only way for you to begin to feel better is to start looking within yourself to see what part you play in all of this.
There is GREAT information on this board and very wise folks. Lots of us were where you are and have started the road to recovery. Some are farther down that road than others, but it doesn't matter. The message is there is hope for a better life for you. But it will take work. And you have to decide how much more miserable you want to get before you'll take a step toward getting better.
I'd recommend finding an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in our area and attend a few times at least. And keep reading here. I combined face to face meetings along with the board and both have turned my life for the better.
Hugs and prayers for you. You're in a place here at SR where we understand.
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
I am so sorry for what you have gone through, I can't emagin the pain you have endured emotionally. Please continue to come here, read the stickies above and try and go to some meetings in your area.
You need to start taking care of yourself and try to shut the door with this addict. You will get plenty of help here an support and many have been where you are and will give you good advice. Keep your head up and know none of this is your fault.
You need to start taking care of yourself and try to shut the door with this addict. You will get plenty of help here an support and many have been where you are and will give you good advice. Keep your head up and know none of this is your fault.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Southeast
Posts: 114
Thank you all for your help.
When i learned he was an addict I ran - but then he asked me to open my mind and try to understand. I cautiously did so.
Somewhere i lost the person he pretended to be and he was replaced by the angry addict who made every excuse from no money for rehab to not attending free NA meetings and free psychological counsel and help on studies being conducted for addicts. FREE! One of the best counselors known in these parts.
I paid for him to attend my counselor to help him. She felt he needed a good evaluation to determine the root of his addiction. the free study was offered and he conveniently forgot about it. 90 meetings for 90 days was not something he was willing to committ to. Of course he is THE ONE to beat addiction. Take one woman on as a panacea high for his ego while pilling himself and sucking her into his hell. Its starts insidiously enough doesnt it.
His family blamed me. Now he looks like a rose and I am the garbage truck of humanity.
I have to handle his cheating on me and the lady;s death - and he has no common sense or compassion and I am not accustomed to such depravity.
I have read the fabulous stickies. But I feel so used, broken and depressed. I am in counseling weekly but this experience was horrid.
Has anyone involved with an addict been sucked in without truly seeing what was happening? Did anyone experience cheating or death as a direct result of an addict you were involved with?
Is it common for addicts to start/stop and go from woman to woman as though each of them were the problem instead of themselves? Is it abnormal for me to feel like hell and never able to understand why or how he could be so cruel to me????
What is wrong with me that I care? I dont want him back, I am just reeling that my life has the memory of her death and his cheating that led to this hell. I am depressed because I tried to be good to him and logical only to be blamed and discarded like trash and him to adapt this holier than thou approach as if he doesnt know me - now that he found another sucker.
I am taking care of me but the cruelty I endured has left me post trauma and i hurt. I dont want this in my life and I refute it.
Have others here gone through similar pains???I need to know I am not alone. I feel so alone and so depressed. I am intelligent and dont want such a man in my life but now after all I did to help, I was trashed and it hurts. Is that normal????
Why did she have to end her life?
The other night he produced the shell casing he found from her death and I was sickened he kept it. He said he wanted to show it to me and I was sick over it. WHY? Was this a trophy to him? he had also taken pictures of the scene when she ended her life. Why? Isnt that not normal? He claimed it was because he hit bottom and wanted to never sue again. But he did use again - ultram
He would tell his friends how devastated he was that this gorgeous woman ended her life. He said he was staying with me but it was stressful...not anything about how badly he wanted me back and how much I was helping him after he cheated on me. The girl was a beauty for sure but completely lost and addicted and no custody of her kids, several arrests and three ex husbands. I had my own business and a good life. I was pretty but not 13 yrs younger as she was. I couldnt compete.
When i learned he was an addict I ran - but then he asked me to open my mind and try to understand. I cautiously did so.
Somewhere i lost the person he pretended to be and he was replaced by the angry addict who made every excuse from no money for rehab to not attending free NA meetings and free psychological counsel and help on studies being conducted for addicts. FREE! One of the best counselors known in these parts.
I paid for him to attend my counselor to help him. She felt he needed a good evaluation to determine the root of his addiction. the free study was offered and he conveniently forgot about it. 90 meetings for 90 days was not something he was willing to committ to. Of course he is THE ONE to beat addiction. Take one woman on as a panacea high for his ego while pilling himself and sucking her into his hell. Its starts insidiously enough doesnt it.
His family blamed me. Now he looks like a rose and I am the garbage truck of humanity.
I have to handle his cheating on me and the lady;s death - and he has no common sense or compassion and I am not accustomed to such depravity.
I have read the fabulous stickies. But I feel so used, broken and depressed. I am in counseling weekly but this experience was horrid.
Has anyone involved with an addict been sucked in without truly seeing what was happening? Did anyone experience cheating or death as a direct result of an addict you were involved with?
Is it common for addicts to start/stop and go from woman to woman as though each of them were the problem instead of themselves? Is it abnormal for me to feel like hell and never able to understand why or how he could be so cruel to me????
What is wrong with me that I care? I dont want him back, I am just reeling that my life has the memory of her death and his cheating that led to this hell. I am depressed because I tried to be good to him and logical only to be blamed and discarded like trash and him to adapt this holier than thou approach as if he doesnt know me - now that he found another sucker.
I am taking care of me but the cruelty I endured has left me post trauma and i hurt. I dont want this in my life and I refute it.
Have others here gone through similar pains???I need to know I am not alone. I feel so alone and so depressed. I am intelligent and dont want such a man in my life but now after all I did to help, I was trashed and it hurts. Is that normal????
Why did she have to end her life?
The other night he produced the shell casing he found from her death and I was sickened he kept it. He said he wanted to show it to me and I was sick over it. WHY? Was this a trophy to him? he had also taken pictures of the scene when she ended her life. Why? Isnt that not normal? He claimed it was because he hit bottom and wanted to never sue again. But he did use again - ultram
He would tell his friends how devastated he was that this gorgeous woman ended her life. He said he was staying with me but it was stressful...not anything about how badly he wanted me back and how much I was helping him after he cheated on me. The girl was a beauty for sure but completely lost and addicted and no custody of her kids, several arrests and three ex husbands. I had my own business and a good life. I was pretty but not 13 yrs younger as she was. I couldnt compete.
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Neverwanted,
I am truely sorry for all the pain you arte going thru. You asked her if anyone else has suffered the same as you, and I can certainly say that almost everyone here has been sucked into their own hell by their addict. Some worse than others, but its hell for them just the same. It all hurts. But as you see here these people come here for support, and to learn how to deal with that hurt. Some even go to face to face meetings for even more support and also therapy. Know you ARE NOT ALONE! Not ever. There is always someone here to help, or listen, or talk you thru your own hell. Cause they have been there. Because they really care and feel your pain as they recall their own. But that is what all these ladies and gentleman are here for.
You are not worthless or deserving of what you got for loving an addict. But now the choices are yours now. Continue to let him drag you down and dwelling on what has happened or take what you can from this board and read around and get some knowlege to arm yourself to make YOU feel better. I promise, it hurts right now but it will get better. You are a lucky one to get away from this guy. Soon he would have dragged you down to worse than where he is. You did what alot of these people here have done. You tried to help. You were a good woman for doing so. But apparently he's not ready for it yet-maybe never. Try to read around here and get to see some of he story's that come from here. Some are heartbreaking. But as they have learned how to deal with their addict some have found peace and coping skills.
I am a recovering addict. But I have come to this place to learn of the things I have done to my loved ones. But I also deal with addict parents. This site has lent me great strength and lessons that help me to lead a really good life now. I care Neverwanted. Welcome to Soberrecovery. I hope you stick around so we can help you. You sound like a good woman with good sense. I hope this gets easier for you.
I am truely sorry for all the pain you arte going thru. You asked her if anyone else has suffered the same as you, and I can certainly say that almost everyone here has been sucked into their own hell by their addict. Some worse than others, but its hell for them just the same. It all hurts. But as you see here these people come here for support, and to learn how to deal with that hurt. Some even go to face to face meetings for even more support and also therapy. Know you ARE NOT ALONE! Not ever. There is always someone here to help, or listen, or talk you thru your own hell. Cause they have been there. Because they really care and feel your pain as they recall their own. But that is what all these ladies and gentleman are here for.
You are not worthless or deserving of what you got for loving an addict. But now the choices are yours now. Continue to let him drag you down and dwelling on what has happened or take what you can from this board and read around and get some knowlege to arm yourself to make YOU feel better. I promise, it hurts right now but it will get better. You are a lucky one to get away from this guy. Soon he would have dragged you down to worse than where he is. You did what alot of these people here have done. You tried to help. You were a good woman for doing so. But apparently he's not ready for it yet-maybe never. Try to read around here and get to see some of he story's that come from here. Some are heartbreaking. But as they have learned how to deal with their addict some have found peace and coping skills.
I am a recovering addict. But I have come to this place to learn of the things I have done to my loved ones. But I also deal with addict parents. This site has lent me great strength and lessons that help me to lead a really good life now. I care Neverwanted. Welcome to Soberrecovery. I hope you stick around so we can help you. You sound like a good woman with good sense. I hope this gets easier for you.
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Originally Posted by GwenMarie30 
Neverwanted,
Welcome to Soberrecovery. I hope you stick around so we can help you. You sound like a good woman with good sense. I hope this gets easier for you.
Welcome to Soberrecovery. I hope you stick around so we can help you. You sound like a good woman with good sense. I hope this gets easier for you.
I am done with him. I wish I could be done with the pain of the death and damage he did to me psychologically. I wish it were over so easily. I am in intensive counseling as I am dealing with PTSD from seeing the woman he cheated on me with after she took her life. She attempted to take him with her in death. I stepped in and got him out of the house. She wanted to end it and he told her he was going to meet me and she had to move out because he was not over me. She suggested they end it together. It was very personal and sure I am sick of being sick...and I am trying to mend. Really trying.
I just wanted to know if it is normal to feel this residual pain. Sometimes therapy opens up those pains more and I find myself frozen and unable to speak.
I do not understand how another person can treat one so cruelly and not be struck by consciousness. I read somewhere that an active addict has no conscience when using. He didnt seem to have one when he went off the drugs intermittently. Almost sociopathic.
I also dont understand how he could not see or have an interest in his son by another woman since the child was first born and is now 21. How can someone not care. Is it a character issue? And he has this love and commitment for his teenage daughter. he doesn't care about his son.
I know it it pointless to wonder. Its inevidible and I am still reeling from the death of the woman he was involved with when he cheated on me. Seeing that and catching them was something I doubt I will soon forget.
Im sorry if I am not as evolved as some of the others who have made it through. Made me lose faith and hope to be returned with hatred and blame after all I did to save him from her ending his life. I thought that was his rock bottom. I guess not. What ends up being someone's rock bottom? His home was destroyed from her passing, his family turned on him, he found her expired. WHAT MORE needed to be done to show him this was a rock bottom? I was the only one left standing. I really tried. I guess that is the flaw. He could never follow through unless I nodded my head in agreement with all he said and did. He wasnt a heavy drug user, but a user nonetheless. I guess the amount is not the issue?
Why would he take pictures of her death and keep the shell casing? What is the purpose???? It scares me how deeply odd that is.
The dr said I am in the throes of PTSD. The yucky feelings of betrayal and deep sadness...have any of you experienced it so deeply? What helped you get through the daily pain? Am I going to feel better?
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Originally Posted by Hangin' In
Neverwanted,
And you have to decide how much more miserable you want to get before you'll take a step toward getting better.
Hangin' In
And you have to decide how much more miserable you want to get before you'll take a step toward getting better.
Hangin' In
I dont want to be with him anymore and i just need to know if it is normal to feel so broken and lost in a lack of self esteem. Its alienating to feel this way. I am severely depressed as a result and I am getting one on one help from a doctor. Its not working as well as I had hoped and I needed to know this was a normal response to a tragedy such as this.
Its not every day a finace get cheated on and the one they cheat on you with ends their life..and you help to see the whole sad experience firsthand.
Just bummed out and wish I had not seen it. Wish i had never met him. And like so many others involved with an active addict, the one who is blamed and kicked away is the one who was reasonably prudent and logical.
I think there is a term for that used to described what sociopaths create in their victims: crazy making.
Im not with him nor do I want to be. The man I loved and the man he is are two different people. We know which one I miss. And he was never really there nor is he coming back.
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Location: Union Mo
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I think in my own opinion that what you are feeling is normal. Take the time to grieve in your own way. Only you will know when you are ready to heal from your tragic expierience. But I think we all go thru a grieving time in order to hea. It will get better for you. You are taking the necessary steps in heakling by getting the counseling. Im not sure its entirely safe for your sanity to go to NA as it may be a constant reminder for you but on the other hand it may be the reminder to keep you on your path of healing to. It would definitly be somethng to talk to your conselor. As I said in my early post that I am a recoverig addict and coming to this narannon board has truely helped me in my recovery in learning what Pain and grief I had caused my family and friends. And none of us here will minimize your pain here or tell you how to feel. You will fing compassion and understanding. Some thing may sound harsh in the way we type things but all is meant in compassion and care.
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When the addict is wdrawing, have some of you felt like you were talking to a small child or someone with no common sense or control over the rotten things they have said? Was it worse in w/d or during their using? some of the actions and behavior really scared and made me wonder if I was speaking alien.
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(((Never)))
I think it can safely be said that someone has been thru everything you describe, even tho it feels so abnormal and alien. Really and truly, all you can do right now, is stop wondering and thinking about the addict in your life and think about you. They will mess with your mind, if you let them. Obviously he has. You are worth so much more. You said you are in counseling, etc. It will work, if you work it (as the saying goes). Read around, stickies at the top and old threads. I'm sure you will find things in common with many of us and that will help.
We welcome you, you are not alone. You are NOT crazy!
I think it can safely be said that someone has been thru everything you describe, even tho it feels so abnormal and alien. Really and truly, all you can do right now, is stop wondering and thinking about the addict in your life and think about you. They will mess with your mind, if you let them. Obviously he has. You are worth so much more. You said you are in counseling, etc. It will work, if you work it (as the saying goes). Read around, stickies at the top and old threads. I'm sure you will find things in common with many of us and that will help.
We welcome you, you are not alone. You are NOT crazy!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Neverwanted
Thank you all for your help.
Has anyone involved with an addict been sucked in without truly seeing what was happening? Did anyone experience cheating or death as a direct result of an addict you were involved with?
Is it common for addicts to start/stop and go from woman to woman as though each of them were the problem instead of themselves? Is it abnormal for me to feel like hell and never able to understand why or how he could be so cruel to me????
Has anyone involved with an addict been sucked in without truly seeing what was happening? Did anyone experience cheating or death as a direct result of an addict you were involved with?
Is it common for addicts to start/stop and go from woman to woman as though each of them were the problem instead of themselves? Is it abnormal for me to feel like hell and never able to understand why or how he could be so cruel to me????
Oh there were red flags popping up everywhere but I chose to ignore them. He worked but he never seemed to have money or to be able to pay his bills. His utilities started getting cut off and he was threatned with eviction so what did my Codie self do.. I moved him in with me and married him 4 months later.. And then the hell begain.
My AH has cheated on me with a girl he works with.. he says he is sorry but honestly I don't think that he has any idea of the wreckage he has caused our marriage. He has no idea that things have gotten so bad that for me leaving seems like a better option then staying.
I think it's normal for some addicts to hop from women to women while in active addiction. The addict is looking for someone to use,someone else that he can manipulate and take care of him or someone to get high with and accept his lifestyle.
Your pain is normal and it is real but neverwanted you have to forgive him, not for your exbf's sake but for your sanity. Stop taking what he did to you personaly. You did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it. As for his family, they are obviously in complete denial of their sons drug use. Thats ok, thats their problem.
You are so lucky that he is out of your life.. work on having a healthier relationship with yourself and continue going to counseling and get to some meetings.. alanaon is just as good as naranon and they are available a lot more then naranon,
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Join Date: Sep 2007
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Originally Posted by Neverwanted
When the addict is wdrawing, have some of you felt like you were talking to a small child or someone with no common sense or control over the rotten things they have said? Was it worse in w/d or during their using? some of the actions and behavior really scared and made me wonder if I was speaking alien.
It really makes since. My AH is 34 years old but sometimes I swear I'm living with a teenager or someone that is around 20 or 21. My AH was about this age when he started using drugs hard core.
When my AH is high or if he is withdrawling, he gets very hostil, very defensive and very emotionaly abusive. I have been called names that I did not even know existed. It's part of the addiction..
To combat this I have learned to detatch, not to take it personaly and to just walk away from my AH when he is high.. It dosn't change the way he is acting but it puts me out of the situation.
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Originally Posted by jerect
I read someplace that addicts have the emotional maturity level of the age that they started using. The earlier they started using the more immature they are.
It really makes since. My AH is 34 years old but sometimes I swear I'm living with a teenager or someone that is around 20 or 21. My AH was about this age when he started using drugs hard core.
When my AH is high or if he is withdrawling, he gets very hostil, very defensive and very emotionaly abusive. I have been called names that I did not even know existed. It's part of the addiction..
To combat this I have learned to detatch, not to take it personaly and to just walk away from my AH when he is high.. It dosn't change the way he is acting but it puts me out of the situation.
It really makes since. My AH is 34 years old but sometimes I swear I'm living with a teenager or someone that is around 20 or 21. My AH was about this age when he started using drugs hard core.
When my AH is high or if he is withdrawling, he gets very hostil, very defensive and very emotionaly abusive. I have been called names that I did not even know existed. It's part of the addiction..
To combat this I have learned to detatch, not to take it personaly and to just walk away from my AH when he is high.. It dosn't change the way he is acting but it puts me out of the situation.
I will try to forgive him. You are right, the best thing to do is forgive and try to move on.
With all of your help and the help of those in the forum, I have found some support that will possibly teach me to learn from others and move on.
I am so sorry for what you experienced, jerect. You are pretty hard on yourself aren't ya! You sound like an angel. He was LUCKY to have you in his life.
I heard the same doo doo from his family about being the best thing. It actually scared me to hear that and I felt pressured to walk the tight rope. I didnt realize the depth of what they were referring to in view of his past.
When we went to counseling he and the counselor both told me his cheating was a result of using. There were days he was lucid after he took her number and I had a ring on my finger and he still did it. I guess I dont buy the reasoning. It is what it is and what it is is SUCKY!
TY to all for helping me understand
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Originally Posted by Neverwanted
I just wanted to know if it is normal to feel this residual pain. Sometimes therapy opens up those pains more and I find myself frozen and unable to speak.
I had those moments too when I couldn't speak. The pain was so intense that it took all my concentration to just live through the moment. Speech was impossible. When I was finally ready to verbalize those moments, it was like opening dam gates. I felt tons of pressure letting loose, it was so intense it was almost scary, and I was so exhausted and light I felt like I was floating. It was like toxic waste leaving my body.
Take your time and you have my prayers.
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On Sociopaths
Ma'am,
First of all, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have gone through what you have, which by the standards of addicts behavior in general is far worse than most people. You alluded to the fact that you think your AH is a sociopath, and although I am not familiar with your situation beyond what you have shared on this site, it does sound like he fits the bill for one. Remember, statistically speaking about 3 out of 100 American adults are sociopaths, and of the sociopathic population, roughly half have substance abuse problems of a varying degree. If you estimate the population of substance abusers to be roughly one in ten, the math implies that roughly 15% of substance abusers you come across are also sociopathic, which means they have no ability to empathize with others or feel guilt for their actions. To answer the question that you posed in one of your first threads, most addicts are incapable of recognizing responsibility for their actions or feel guilt while they are actively under the influence of their DOC. But once they sober up, say if they spend a couple of days in jail, many will exhibit signs of extreme remorse if they are told that, for instance, they killed someone with their vehicle while they are under the instance. But some, and again I cite that 15% number, do not care even once they have sobered up, and in all likelihood never will. And from what you have said, it seems like your AH is in that category.
I am not a doctor so I should not be taken as a definitive authority on this subject, but there is a fairly wide consensus that there is no cure for sociopaths, nothing that will bring them back into the fold of normal human emotion. Whereas some addicts/alcoholics do in fact get clean and/or sober, implying that there is a chance of recovery for even the most helpless A, there is no hope whatsoever for sociopaths. The only solution then is to walk away, and by that, what I really mean is RUN!
As I said I am not an authority on this subject, and there is a slight possibility that your AH kept that casing and took those photos as some way to grieve or possibly connect with the woman for whom he obviously had some feelings at some point, but on the other hand in all likelihood this is not the case. Here is where you do need the advice of a professional, and I am glad that that is what you say you are doing. I also recommend you look at the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout, which addresses the subject of sociopaths in general and in particular how to escape the clutches of one who you might be involved with. I can tell you from personal experience, and Dr. Stout confirms this, that sociopaths are EXPERT in invoking sympathy from those with whom they are involved, far more so than any run-of-the-mill addict. I personally befriended (in a non-romantic way, in fact he was the same gender as me) a sociopath who managed to justify to me that he was stealing (from me as well as other people) on the basis of his bad childhood.
Although this might have already been suggested to you, and although I am not familiar with your personal financial situation, I should advise you that even if your husband escapes criminal prosecution for his involvement in the woman's death, no matter how minimal it might have been (the police by law are forced to investigate if he was complicit and if so file charges), if she has family members they can easily file a civil suit against him for damages. In the event that this happened, any assets that the two of you own could be awarded to them by a jury, and I should point out that the burden of prove in wrongful death cases is legally much lower than in criminal homicide cases. Again, this is something that you would need to speak to a lawyer about, and I am not one.
I sincerely hope that your situation improves from here. Just stay close to SR and any other support groups you have found and know that you will get through it even if it takes a little while.
First of all, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have gone through what you have, which by the standards of addicts behavior in general is far worse than most people. You alluded to the fact that you think your AH is a sociopath, and although I am not familiar with your situation beyond what you have shared on this site, it does sound like he fits the bill for one. Remember, statistically speaking about 3 out of 100 American adults are sociopaths, and of the sociopathic population, roughly half have substance abuse problems of a varying degree. If you estimate the population of substance abusers to be roughly one in ten, the math implies that roughly 15% of substance abusers you come across are also sociopathic, which means they have no ability to empathize with others or feel guilt for their actions. To answer the question that you posed in one of your first threads, most addicts are incapable of recognizing responsibility for their actions or feel guilt while they are actively under the influence of their DOC. But once they sober up, say if they spend a couple of days in jail, many will exhibit signs of extreme remorse if they are told that, for instance, they killed someone with their vehicle while they are under the instance. But some, and again I cite that 15% number, do not care even once they have sobered up, and in all likelihood never will. And from what you have said, it seems like your AH is in that category.
I am not a doctor so I should not be taken as a definitive authority on this subject, but there is a fairly wide consensus that there is no cure for sociopaths, nothing that will bring them back into the fold of normal human emotion. Whereas some addicts/alcoholics do in fact get clean and/or sober, implying that there is a chance of recovery for even the most helpless A, there is no hope whatsoever for sociopaths. The only solution then is to walk away, and by that, what I really mean is RUN!
As I said I am not an authority on this subject, and there is a slight possibility that your AH kept that casing and took those photos as some way to grieve or possibly connect with the woman for whom he obviously had some feelings at some point, but on the other hand in all likelihood this is not the case. Here is where you do need the advice of a professional, and I am glad that that is what you say you are doing. I also recommend you look at the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout, which addresses the subject of sociopaths in general and in particular how to escape the clutches of one who you might be involved with. I can tell you from personal experience, and Dr. Stout confirms this, that sociopaths are EXPERT in invoking sympathy from those with whom they are involved, far more so than any run-of-the-mill addict. I personally befriended (in a non-romantic way, in fact he was the same gender as me) a sociopath who managed to justify to me that he was stealing (from me as well as other people) on the basis of his bad childhood.
Although this might have already been suggested to you, and although I am not familiar with your personal financial situation, I should advise you that even if your husband escapes criminal prosecution for his involvement in the woman's death, no matter how minimal it might have been (the police by law are forced to investigate if he was complicit and if so file charges), if she has family members they can easily file a civil suit against him for damages. In the event that this happened, any assets that the two of you own could be awarded to them by a jury, and I should point out that the burden of prove in wrongful death cases is legally much lower than in criminal homicide cases. Again, this is something that you would need to speak to a lawyer about, and I am not one.
I sincerely hope that your situation improves from here. Just stay close to SR and any other support groups you have found and know that you will get through it even if it takes a little while.
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