Is it wrong to feel this bad
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Originally Posted by marshallzhukov 
Ma'am,
If you estimate the population of substance abusers to be roughly one in ten, the math implies that roughly 15% of substance abusers you come across are also sociopathic, which means they have no ability to empathize with others or feel guilt for their actions. To answer the question that you posed in one of your first threads, most addicts are incapable of recognizing responsibility for their actions or feel guilt while they are actively under the influence of their DOC. But once they sober up, say if they spend a couple of days in jail, many will exhibit signs of extreme remorse if they are told that, for instance, they killed someone with their vehicle while they are under the instance. But some, and again I cite that 15% number, do not care even once they have sobered up, and in all likelihood never will. And from what you have said, it seems like your AH is in that category.
If you estimate the population of substance abusers to be roughly one in ten, the math implies that roughly 15% of substance abusers you come across are also sociopathic, which means they have no ability to empathize with others or feel guilt for their actions. To answer the question that you posed in one of your first threads, most addicts are incapable of recognizing responsibility for their actions or feel guilt while they are actively under the influence of their DOC. But once they sober up, say if they spend a couple of days in jail, many will exhibit signs of extreme remorse if they are told that, for instance, they killed someone with their vehicle while they are under the instance. But some, and again I cite that 15% number, do not care even once they have sobered up, and in all likelihood never will. And from what you have said, it seems like your AH is in that category.
TY for your helpful reply.
He did not end her life, she took her own. He is an addict and met her in a pharmacy of all places. She was also an addict and had lost pretty much everything except her obvious beauty which she counted on to get what she needed in order to survive and continue using.
She ended her life not because of him, per se, but because she had been suicidal most of her life and addicted severely to soma and opiates. She had made many attempts and offered to take him out with her. The two of them applauded one another's addiction as if it were normal to live like this and no one else could understand.
Her rock bottom in death would seem likely to have tripped off his rock bottom, in my eyes, but it didnt. Perhaps in time he will see what his actions inspired. But - I think you are accurate in thinking he may be sociopathic.
He only cared about how it made him feel to lose me after HE cheated and how her death ruined his home and his life. He blames me for her death because of the on again off again relationship we had. It was on/off because I had to leave so many times because of his addiction and for my own sanity and my family's sanity. Of course he says it is ALL MY FAULT. he hates her, he hates me and anyone who would tell him to grow up, get and stick with rehab and live a life worth living.
I believe he just may be sociopathic. TY for posting your reply to me. I am going to mull it over before I eat another bag of popcorn to get through the yuck way I feel. Then I am going to drink a can of diet coke to counteract the calories I wasted on popcorn.
TY again.
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I am back into the throes of feeling depressed and caught up in his addiction
A friend alerted me to his myspace page where he basically has set up a shrine of sorts for the woman he cheated on me with (while we were engaged and I was miscarrying)and knew for three weeks. He had pictures posted all over of her and said he misses her. He knew her three weeks. I was with him for one year.
She had committed suicide as I indicated...she was an addict and he wanted her out and said he wanted me back. He said he saw in her how bad he could get. Well as I stated, he said he was going to meet up with me and during that time for the third time in a row over the course of a few days, she followed through and ended her life with a gunshot.
He told me he used her to get over me and I helped him get his life back and made the pertinent calls to get his home cleaned and his pets taken into rescue...I cleaned up her crap and his and move him into my home. Eventually he continued being an ugrateful ******* though I paid for private counseling and went with him to NA mtgs.
Of course it didnt work out. I enabled him through a tough call decision and wasnt planning on going back when I went to meet with him. I was planning on meeting him at the PD to remove her from his home because she wouldnt leave. I had an RO and brought it with me to help him get her out. She had a long rap sheet and a history of drug abuse, child neglect and arrests.
So on his myspace page he uses my nickname for me in deroggatory ways, accused me of cheating on him (NEVER EVER HAPPENED) and put up a song related to my name which basically depicts me as being from hell and akin to a rotten evil person.
How could he put up all this stuff about me? I havent called him in over a month and I have nothing to do with him. I wrote to him under a diff email because he blocked me on the other one and asked him to please remove the things he posted about me.
He fell in love with this woman after she died. He gave her my engagement ring though - in the three weeks he was with her. Told her he loved her. Later he said he was trying to save her because I didnt need saving and he couldnt save himself. That he had screwed up so bad he had to make it work.
Well it didnt.
He kept the bullet she ended her life with and showed it to me. WTF? Why would he be cruel like that to me? He had pictures on his site of her sitting on the couch in his house...pictures of the dog I gave him that we had to put in animal control the night of the disaster...that was OUR dog. He posted about missing him. All this crap about how wonderful she was how he missed her (missed her? She attacked him physically, used in front of his teen, threatened me many times, had him purchase drugs on the street and he had not done that b4, lost custody of her kids,, married 3 times, etc). He took pictures of the scene where she bled and I never understood that. he said it was to remember to not use again. But I see it as sick. He kept the bullet. WHY?> WHY would he show it to me?>
After all I did to help him move her garbage out of his home, call the clean up company, physically moved him into my home and helphim keep from ending his life - he turned on me. Seems he would have been happier had I died.
Why would he post such rotten things about me in public? Why does it hurt>
A friend alerted me to his myspace page where he basically has set up a shrine of sorts for the woman he cheated on me with (while we were engaged and I was miscarrying)and knew for three weeks. He had pictures posted all over of her and said he misses her. He knew her three weeks. I was with him for one year.
She had committed suicide as I indicated...she was an addict and he wanted her out and said he wanted me back. He said he saw in her how bad he could get. Well as I stated, he said he was going to meet up with me and during that time for the third time in a row over the course of a few days, she followed through and ended her life with a gunshot.
He told me he used her to get over me and I helped him get his life back and made the pertinent calls to get his home cleaned and his pets taken into rescue...I cleaned up her crap and his and move him into my home. Eventually he continued being an ugrateful ******* though I paid for private counseling and went with him to NA mtgs.
Of course it didnt work out. I enabled him through a tough call decision and wasnt planning on going back when I went to meet with him. I was planning on meeting him at the PD to remove her from his home because she wouldnt leave. I had an RO and brought it with me to help him get her out. She had a long rap sheet and a history of drug abuse, child neglect and arrests.
So on his myspace page he uses my nickname for me in deroggatory ways, accused me of cheating on him (NEVER EVER HAPPENED) and put up a song related to my name which basically depicts me as being from hell and akin to a rotten evil person.
How could he put up all this stuff about me? I havent called him in over a month and I have nothing to do with him. I wrote to him under a diff email because he blocked me on the other one and asked him to please remove the things he posted about me.
He fell in love with this woman after she died. He gave her my engagement ring though - in the three weeks he was with her. Told her he loved her. Later he said he was trying to save her because I didnt need saving and he couldnt save himself. That he had screwed up so bad he had to make it work.
Well it didnt.
He kept the bullet she ended her life with and showed it to me. WTF? Why would he be cruel like that to me? He had pictures on his site of her sitting on the couch in his house...pictures of the dog I gave him that we had to put in animal control the night of the disaster...that was OUR dog. He posted about missing him. All this crap about how wonderful she was how he missed her (missed her? She attacked him physically, used in front of his teen, threatened me many times, had him purchase drugs on the street and he had not done that b4, lost custody of her kids,, married 3 times, etc). He took pictures of the scene where she bled and I never understood that. he said it was to remember to not use again. But I see it as sick. He kept the bullet. WHY?> WHY would he show it to me?>
After all I did to help him move her garbage out of his home, call the clean up company, physically moved him into my home and helphim keep from ending his life - he turned on me. Seems he would have been happier had I died.
Why would he post such rotten things about me in public? Why does it hurt>
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When my mentally ill ex did a 180 on me, started dating someone else, and talked very negatively about me behind my back, I was very lucky to have a friend who listened to me for hours. Whenever I tried to rationalize his behavior my friend said: "Don't try to explain it. He is sick! There is no logic behind this."
Another thing I eventually did was tell all the people who wanted to keep me informed on him badmouthing me to just stop telling me. It was hard at first, but eventually I stopped caring (pretty quickly actually).
He seems to romanticize her death and his role in it. It might be a way for him to deal with feelings of guilt, but in the end you will probably never know why he is doing this. All you really need to know is that there is no logic behind this. It is sick behavior and I believe the healthiest thing for yourself is to remove yourself from this. I cut all ties with my ex and the healing process was hard, but not as hard as dealing with the madness his illness put me through.
Another thing I eventually did was tell all the people who wanted to keep me informed on him badmouthing me to just stop telling me. It was hard at first, but eventually I stopped caring (pretty quickly actually).
He seems to romanticize her death and his role in it. It might be a way for him to deal with feelings of guilt, but in the end you will probably never know why he is doing this. All you really need to know is that there is no logic behind this. It is sick behavior and I believe the healthiest thing for yourself is to remove yourself from this. I cut all ties with my ex and the healing process was hard, but not as hard as dealing with the madness his illness put me through.
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Neverwanted....I am so sorry that you are going through all of this pain. I would like to say that even in the extreme pain that you are in you are helping others through their own private hell. For that I thank you.
It never gets any easier especially when wounds are open up and salt is thrown in it. I wish I had magic words of wisdom for you but I dont. I wish I could tell you why he is doing those things but I cant.
What I can say is that you need to put it behind you. Stop giving him the power. I think alot of us forget in our own pain that they are NOT the ones that have control over us. We have control. If it hurts stop feeding the pain.
Yesterday and today have been horrific for me too. But I realized that I was only feeding the pain by thinking about him and what he had done to our family. I am giving him tooooo much credit. Me and my kids have decided to stand and fight against this grief. We didnt do anything wrong. We loved as a family and had a very good life together. This was ENOUGH for him.
That isnt our problem. Our problem right now is its Sunday night and tomorrow will start a new week. His problem is today he wakes up without all the things he once cherished and loved.
I feel for you but please please stop feeding the pain. It only makes it worse. You are a good person you deserve to be treated as such. Dont give him this much power over how you chose to feel about yourself.......
It never gets any easier especially when wounds are open up and salt is thrown in it. I wish I had magic words of wisdom for you but I dont. I wish I could tell you why he is doing those things but I cant.
What I can say is that you need to put it behind you. Stop giving him the power. I think alot of us forget in our own pain that they are NOT the ones that have control over us. We have control. If it hurts stop feeding the pain.
Yesterday and today have been horrific for me too. But I realized that I was only feeding the pain by thinking about him and what he had done to our family. I am giving him tooooo much credit. Me and my kids have decided to stand and fight against this grief. We didnt do anything wrong. We loved as a family and had a very good life together. This was ENOUGH for him.
That isnt our problem. Our problem right now is its Sunday night and tomorrow will start a new week. His problem is today he wakes up without all the things he once cherished and loved.
I feel for you but please please stop feeding the pain. It only makes it worse. You are a good person you deserve to be treated as such. Dont give him this much power over how you chose to feel about yourself.......
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh
He seems to romanticize her death and his role in it. It might be a way for him to deal with feelings of guilt, but in the end you will probably never know why he is doing this. All you really need to know is that there is no logic behind this. It is sick behavior and I believe the healthiest thing for yourself is to remove yourself from this. I cut all ties with my ex and the healing process was hard, but not as hard as dealing with the madness his illness put me through.
Ok - I see your point. Had he thrown out the guns and bullets as I warned him she would not have died. its like how some people turn people they hated into saints after they die. I hate that I end up being the reason he says she died. I wasnt.
I cut ties...as I said a friend told me to read it because it was libel. I reluctantly did - but what I saw was so extremist and insane and cruel and heartless. WHO IS THIS MAN????
He has a blurb up that says DONT TRUST _ _ _ _ _ _. Its my nickname. Dont trust ME? OMG! How about dont trust an active addict!
Going back to I dont give a poop mode once Im done being riled up. I get five more minutes and then I am done
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Originally Posted by cassandra2
I feel for you but please please stop feeding the pain. It only makes it worse. You are a good person you deserve to be treated as such. Dont give him this much power over how you chose to feel about yourself.......
Like I said I have feelings and most rational human beings would not do this to another person...but this is not a rational person.
My friend told me he hates himself so much - but I see it as him hating me. And I didnt do anything to cause her death or his cheating and lying. Oh well. :ghug3
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Remember how we talked the other night about anger. He has alot of anger issues. Anyone in their right mind would never assign blame to someone removed from a situation as you were. What does that say?
This woman's death is just another way for him to torture you for leaving him. You keep paying that price of admission.
Ok and how right is it that he is publicly degrading you? This is NOT a NORMAL person. Dont assign any weight to that. I know its hard but you need to turn your back on that completely. Take the power out of his hands by changing your reactions to what he does or says.
This is causing you to NOT recover. And what happens when something stops you from recovering? You go right back to the same person you were when you were with him. You have come to far and learned to much to allow that to happen to yourself.
I am praying for you.....WE ALL WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
This woman's death is just another way for him to torture you for leaving him. You keep paying that price of admission.
Ok and how right is it that he is publicly degrading you? This is NOT a NORMAL person. Dont assign any weight to that. I know its hard but you need to turn your back on that completely. Take the power out of his hands by changing your reactions to what he does or says.
This is causing you to NOT recover. And what happens when something stops you from recovering? You go right back to the same person you were when you were with him. You have come to far and learned to much to allow that to happen to yourself.
I am praying for you.....WE ALL WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
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Hon dont take it personally. He hates himself enough to put poison in his body day after day after day. He hate himself for not having any control over anyone including himself. You are not GOD. You dont have any control over how he acts or treats others. But you do have control over saying this isnt about me its about his problem.......
People like that reap what they sow. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually it will all come tumbling down. It always does. Keep your head up sweets......
People like that reap what they sow. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually it will all come tumbling down. It always does. Keep your head up sweets......
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You ask if anyone has gone through this. 3 and 1/2 years ago I threw my ex out and said..get 6 months clean time and we will talk. One month later he moved back in with an old gf from his past and asked her to marry him. I moved 2,000 miles away to start life over. Over the last 3 years I have heard from him now and again. His life continues to spiral downward. In and out of that woman's home for 1-1/2 years. She finally had enough and threw him out & he went to jail. Shortly after getting out his daughter died of a crack overdose and he talked that woman into taking him back. In May he called to say he'd finally come to his sense and wanted another chance. 4 weeks later he called to say he met an "angel" in a bar and he was going to marry her. She moved him in. He has called ever 6 weeks..one day he hates her, one day he's going to marry her. 3 weeks ago he called to say he was done. She threw him out, he attempted suicide and wanted to come out here & get clean and start over. I was thrilled that perhaps he finally was ready to get clean again. Last Tuesday I saw in the paper back home where he applied for a marriage license and has not called me since. And yes, it hurts. But obviously, they do whatever they NEED to do to find someone who will take them in, someone who they can manipulate and use. One of the therapists in rehab I met told me that addicts in "Active" addiction do not love the way we do. And that is true. My ex told me he is ONLY with this woman for a free roof over his head. Also, she's an addict as well. He had a choice 3 weeks ago...the woman he loves but who will NOT accept him using or this woman who doesn't care what he does. And she is desparate for any man.
Yes...it hurts like crazy. And I thought I was moving on. But just hearing his voice brought back the good memories. And I knew him since he was 11 and we were together 8 years. When we got together he had 3 years clean and sober. And one relapse threw it out the window.
The good news. You will survive. And the number one thing I keep being told is to NOT take this personally. He is SICK!!! And he is just trying to justify his behavior.
Yes...it hurts like crazy. And I thought I was moving on. But just hearing his voice brought back the good memories. And I knew him since he was 11 and we were together 8 years. When we got together he had 3 years clean and sober. And one relapse threw it out the window.
The good news. You will survive. And the number one thing I keep being told is to NOT take this personally. He is SICK!!! And he is just trying to justify his behavior.
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Cass2 and Blackrose...this makes sense. TY. Ok so he is angry. I get that,. I have NO CONTACT with him and like BR said - one day he hates so and so and the next its marriage - thats how it was with he and I.
Yet why after no contact is he making this woman a saint and painting me as the killer? I dont call him - talk to him - why is he doing this to me? I left him alone as he asked.
My kids and his are on myspace and I dont want them to read the crapola he says about me. His child attends the same venues mine do and I dont want trouble.
Ok dont take it personally...kind of hard not to. But I wont look. therefore it isnt happening. lol
Yet why after no contact is he making this woman a saint and painting me as the killer? I dont call him - talk to him - why is he doing this to me? I left him alone as he asked.
My kids and his are on myspace and I dont want them to read the crapola he says about me. His child attends the same venues mine do and I dont want trouble.
Ok dont take it personally...kind of hard not to. But I wont look. therefore it isnt happening. lol
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You answered you own question he hates you because you wont talk to him you have cut him off.....She died. And I am sure on some level he knows that you will see/find out what he is saying about you.
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Cass - actually he cut off all contact. And thats how it needs to be anyways. Its weird - the vacillation between her being bad for him to me being good back to him thinking she is a preserved saint and I am satan
He put that stuff up in the hope he will garner support for his actions. He had no one when I left. So he is using this for his own needs - he could not have loved her...he said the most vile things about her - but now that she is dead she is a saint. And when he begged me to help him go to the police about her after he cheated and moved her in - I was his angel...whatever.
He wants his friends from the past to rally around him and say OH YOU POOR THING...perhaps even pick up an empathetic woman in the process as he boasts he is looking to date again. GEEZ. The rapid cycling is out of control and I never thought a person would be this ill and still be functioning. He was kicked out of his band for pills left in the practice room and these same guys are all sitting there in support of his hatred. Yes - I am satan apparently.
He is such a bitter, hateful, vicious person. The change in loyalty moods and mode of destruction is absolutely SICKENING.
He is going to ruin so many more people in his life without help and medication.
He put that stuff up in the hope he will garner support for his actions. He had no one when I left. So he is using this for his own needs - he could not have loved her...he said the most vile things about her - but now that she is dead she is a saint. And when he begged me to help him go to the police about her after he cheated and moved her in - I was his angel...whatever.
He wants his friends from the past to rally around him and say OH YOU POOR THING...perhaps even pick up an empathetic woman in the process as he boasts he is looking to date again. GEEZ. The rapid cycling is out of control and I never thought a person would be this ill and still be functioning. He was kicked out of his band for pills left in the practice room and these same guys are all sitting there in support of his hatred. Yes - I am satan apparently.
He is such a bitter, hateful, vicious person. The change in loyalty moods and mode of destruction is absolutely SICKENING.
He is going to ruin so many more people in his life without help and medication.
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Hi Neverwanted,
I would like to urge you to become aware that you are starting to be in extreme danger. You are currently describing your situation and it is escalated beyond a safe level. If you don't remove yourself from this man and anything that is even remotely connected with him, your life is in jeopardy.
If I am coming on too strong, well then I will just have to take that chance... having been through similar scenarios as you it is only by grace I made it through with my life and the lives of my kids intact. Neverwanted... please get away from this man... remove yourself and protect yourself against him. There IS NO explanation for his irrational behaviors and words... just please get away and never go back to him; you are being abused. Please recognise this and call it what it is.
He is violent and will hurt you. He displayed the gunshell of his deceased exgirlfriend to you as a means of intimidation and control. His behaviors are consistent with someone who is very violent and will hurt you. Please please please get away from him.
-K3
I would like to urge you to become aware that you are starting to be in extreme danger. You are currently describing your situation and it is escalated beyond a safe level. If you don't remove yourself from this man and anything that is even remotely connected with him, your life is in jeopardy.
If I am coming on too strong, well then I will just have to take that chance... having been through similar scenarios as you it is only by grace I made it through with my life and the lives of my kids intact. Neverwanted... please get away from this man... remove yourself and protect yourself against him. There IS NO explanation for his irrational behaviors and words... just please get away and never go back to him; you are being abused. Please recognise this and call it what it is.
He is violent and will hurt you. He displayed the gunshell of his deceased exgirlfriend to you as a means of intimidation and control. His behaviors are consistent with someone who is very violent and will hurt you. Please please please get away from him.
-K3
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K-3
I have been away from him for over a month now.
I have gotten far enough away that it is easier to detach every day and see him for what he is. And what that is I am not sure, but I know its not my burden to walk with.
Every day I meditate several times each day over step one - I am studying quotes and inspirational messages on letting go of the addict - bad situations and the frustration that came/comes in my own recovery from the damage this has cause not just myself, but others.
I thank everyone here for this slow metamorphosis in my recovery from making myself available to this madness. Thank you to all so much. One day at a time has taught me I can do this even when the inequity of it all raises it's head and threatens to drag me back into hell....the biggest help is acceptance. Accepting, not condoning. I meditate on this quote:
When I talk about forgiveness, I mean letting go, not excusing the other person or reconciling with them or condoning the behavior. Just letting go of your own suffering
I have been away from him for over a month now.
I have gotten far enough away that it is easier to detach every day and see him for what he is. And what that is I am not sure, but I know its not my burden to walk with.
Every day I meditate several times each day over step one - I am studying quotes and inspirational messages on letting go of the addict - bad situations and the frustration that came/comes in my own recovery from the damage this has cause not just myself, but others.
I thank everyone here for this slow metamorphosis in my recovery from making myself available to this madness. Thank you to all so much. One day at a time has taught me I can do this even when the inequity of it all raises it's head and threatens to drag me back into hell....the biggest help is acceptance. Accepting, not condoning. I meditate on this quote:
When I talk about forgiveness, I mean letting go, not excusing the other person or reconciling with them or condoning the behavior. Just letting go of your own suffering
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Hi NW,
I am glad you have some time-distance from him. It is so hard to weed through all the crazy-making scenarios coming out of a relationship like that. You did not do anything to deserve that kind of treatment. He misrepresented himself and his life to you in order to meet his own needs. You experienced deception and it will never make sense because he lives by irrational "rules". I hope you will learn to forgive yourself; it takes time. You are worthy of kindness. Please keep coming back to SR and posting as you heal.
K3
I am glad you have some time-distance from him. It is so hard to weed through all the crazy-making scenarios coming out of a relationship like that. You did not do anything to deserve that kind of treatment. He misrepresented himself and his life to you in order to meet his own needs. You experienced deception and it will never make sense because he lives by irrational "rules". I hope you will learn to forgive yourself; it takes time. You are worthy of kindness. Please keep coming back to SR and posting as you heal.
K3
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