Kitkatt

Hi all,
I am new to this site...reading everyone's post is so helpful..I admire you all for your strength and courage. I have been married 11 years to a functional alcoholic. His alcohol abuse has caused much pain...dissapointment and resentment in me. I find myself as a cross roads as to how much I can still put up with. It wears on a person...he doesn't believe he has a problem. Because he works hard in our business and functions..he considers an alcoholic..a guy laying in the gutter with a bottle in his hand. He usually gets home from work about 2pm..he opens up a can of beer the minute he walks in..and another a few minutes later...i can't remember the last conversation we had when he didn't have some sort of buzz on. This is a 2nd marriage for us both...I found out after I married him that his ex divorced him over his drug and alcohol abuse. He went to AA and got clean..due to his families intervention. He told me once that he only did it to please them...he just knew he had to hide better from then on. I love him, but I hate his disease and the mental cruelty and names he calls me..if i look like it bothers me. I find myself very lonely ..and you shouldn't feel lonely in marriage. I feel we co-exist. I take joy in being grateful for my 3 great children..all grown and 1 granddaughter. We are set financially and I am thankful for that..we both work hard in our business. But emotionally..spiritually and the ways that really matter..we are both bankrupt. I feel I was meant to find this site...I look forward to getting to know you all better and making new friends and gaining insight and wisdom from you stories.
God Bless you all
Kitkatt

AmpHusky

I hope you are well, have you set any boundries yet Kit? Do you think you could start setting some? From what I read, he is just at that stage where he thinks he is ok because he can function. I think he is in denial, and doesn't want to give up drinkning yet.

Ago

Welcome to SR

As a man, and a sober Alcoholic my experience doesn't "match" yours, but I will recommend two things

Alanon meetings

Find women with experience, strength and hope and ask for help

You will find understanding, unconditional love and support both here and at meetings

Good luck

Rella927

Welcome to SR Kit! Sorry that you are going through this right now...

Yes you are meant to have found this site and we are glad that you did-

There are stickies at the top of this forum that you may want to cruise through and read...they are filled with a wealth of information.

It sounds as if yes your husband is in denial with his disease...the good thing is that you are here and you know that there is something wrong and you are willing to do something for yourself. We cannot change anyone and for sure not someone who is in denial but we can become better individuals for ourselves and learn how to cope better with life and things that happen in it!

Al-Anon also was a great support for me which is something to consider for yourself-I went because of the A's in my life and I stayed for me! Glad that I did!

Keep posting!

Prayers and strength being sent your way!

GrowingPains

It sounds like my AH has a clone out there.

I finally hit my 'bottom' Labor Day weekend and he's since moved out. I'd been vacillating for a couple of years, but my anger really intensified this last year. What has surprised me the most so far is how quickly my anger dissipated after he left. After a couple of excruciatingly painful days/nights, life is much more peaceful. I no longer wonder what I'm coming home to. I truly love my AH, but living with him while he pretends he's not an alcoholic was hurting me. Two chronic skin conditions that had been resisting medical treatment are almost gone now.

Readings on this site have helped me tremendously, as well as being honest with friends and family (I got way more support than I expected). On top of that, I try to fill my time with as much positive as possible.

Kitkatt

Thank you....I just lost my Dad 2 months ago..he suffered a massive stroke and died. That has been very hard on me..to lose my hero. When I came home he was supportive...seemed understanding and comforted me somewhat..even brought me flowers...but 2 days later he was asking about the inheritance money i will be getting. It hit me then he has a hidden agenda ...once again what it is it for him. I think sometimes he has ice water in his veins. I set boundaries all the time..and he just shuts me out and won't talk. He says he needs his space. I have read enough books and such on the subject to distance myself from him when he is getting drunk. It is sickening to watch and I have lost so much respect for him and for myself to put up with it. He chooses to drink over any real marriage or relationship. I have given the him the I will leave talk...please get help...do it for you and for our children...and it seems like he listens until the next day and he goes right back to it. It is his choice this time to get help. We haven't talked in a week..and he is now out of town until thursday. He hasn't called or checked in at all. He is angry because I told him the money from my Dad's estate was meant for me and I have it in an account in my name only. I think he is scared that I will have the means to walk away and be ok. That is why his reaction was so hostile..he tried his best to intimidate me into putting it on bills..in the business or in our savings. He wants complete control over me in every way it seems. Which has never happened. I can see right through him and he knows it..and lashes out. He has inner demons and past issues or something that he self-medicates..I have suggested counseling..joining a church....given him books on let go and let God. Nothing works. I think I am addicted to his addiction..I worry about him like a 2 year old. My work and hobbies are a good distraction but, they aren't a replacement for what I know a good marriage is and have seen in my family..parents and friends. I long for that closeness and a real friend in a mate. I think that is true for everyone.
Take good care!
Kitkatt

Rella927

Yup addicted to the addict! I was too-the good news is that you are aware of this and here and willing to do something about it!

We cannot change anyone....we cannot make them do what we want-I have found in my past situations that when I suggested thing to my A it only became worse-because he did not hear anything that I had to say! Today I no longer waste my breathe trying to force someone to take my suggestions-and especially someone who is not a 2 year old!

Check out this thread....http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Kitkatt

Thanks to all for the wonderful welcome it feels good!
I am checking now on an al-anon group in my area..thanks for all the support and advice.
God Bless.
Kitkatt

Kitkatt

Wow Rella...that is exactly how I thought he feels. Actions speak louder than words. I have to work on me now and my co-dependant ways of letting him get me down. He is a grown man and will have to figure it out on his own or not. I did start a part time job ..which is fun and I am meeting new people and finding out there is more out there for me. I do have my days that I pamper myself..by getting manicures and going to the movies with friends. That helps! I have always been a giving person..from the heart and mean what I say..so to be married to someone that can't mean it..is sad to me. I just have to realize he is a sick as if he had cancer. And I can't let it eat me alive too.
Ya'll have lifted my spirits today...the truth will set you free
Thanks again!
Kitkatt

twistedruby

KittKatt -
Find out what the laws in CA are for separate property.
In TX.... money, property, Anything inherited from one's immediate family is considered separate property and is not accessible to a spouse....At All.

Make sure you Keep that account in your name alone until you find out if CA laws are the same or similar !

Welcome to the board !....altho' I've been gone over a month from here....