hippyhippy

Just been on phone to mum. She tells me of some guy who has been killed in Iraq. She says she thought it was a friend of my brothers who stayed with us about 30 years ago for a few weeks. Then she realised she was wrong, it was the wrong name.

Whats the point in telling you this? The said person who stayed with us abused me. I was 7. I told her this when I was flaming 17. I told her I couldn't remember all the details but I remembered enough of them to know that what he did was wrong. I remembered a lot more than I let on to her, but I was protecting her. I was stuffed remembering this. I had my first flaming depression. I had to visit a counsellor, I screwed up my college course, I dropped out of life, I was a mess. She couldn't cope with the knowledge. She gave me some bull s**t about adolescents (him) being all mixed up. I was flipping 7! My mum didn't want to hear. I realised really quickly. She was angry at me for visiting a counsellor.I have spent a huge amount of my life being screwed up. Not just because of this, but it is a huge contributor. I am still today, 30 years on, talking to a psychologist about it all. What the heck does she think I see a psychologist about?

Then she talks to me on the phone tonight like it is a relief somehow that this person who died wasn't the nice boy who stayed with us! If I got my hands on him I would kill him myself....well maybe not, but the thought is there. How the hell can she do that to me? How can she not remember what I told her? How can she think I would be the slightest bit interested? Yet I sat and said calmly "the person who stayed with us in 1978 was called *****. He stayed with us because*******. I remember it well" and she still didn't let up. But she knew, she flaming knew. She claimed to have forgotten his name and details of when and why he stayed with us. She has this amazing ability to block off memories.

I long ago decided not to look for anything from my mother in helping me deal with my past. She can't manage it, she is not strong enough. She doesn't mean harm, she just can't cope. I accepted that a long time ago. But how the hell could she do this to me? There has to surely be a bit of her sub conscious that remembers what I have told her? Is she in complete denial? Like it never happened? Like her daughter never went weird at age 17? The age from which my pdoc reckons I have been BP.

I am so sorry to go on. I feel like I have been hit with an emotional juggernaut. Even my hubby who is not the most sensitive said to me when I got off the phone "you know your mums family are f***ed" and he had only heard one side of the conversation.

I feel panicked, sick, tearful anfd so bloody angry. Angry at him, angry at her and just flaming angry that this conversation even happened.

I love my mum dearly but I am so so so hurt tonight.

Hippy

xx

Bamboozle

I'm sorry, hippy. I never know what to say, so here's a hug :ghug3

nandm

I read your post to my g/f as she was also sexually abused by her uncle and a cousin at a young age. I was sexually abused by my father from a very young age, I think around 5 years old. Her mother sounds so similiar to yours about the situation. She still talks to her brother and treats him decent even though she knows what happened. My mother stayed with my father even knowing he molested my 3 sisters and I.

I think that it can make our healing even more difficult in situations like this. It is devastating and life changing enough without having someone we trust and expect to protect us basically say we need to get over it that it wasn't as bad as we think it was. Even if they don't say it verbally, they say it with their actions.

The way I deal with it is the same way I dealt with the teacher I told who did nothing about it; I just accept I can not change them. I can only change me and my response to their actions. For what ever reason they can not handle the truth. Unfortunately, I have lived in the truth all these years and have not been able to escape it, even with my alcoholism and emotional detachment. In these situations the saying Life is not fair speaks more than volumes as there is nothing fair about sexual abuse.

Take care, Hippy, you are not alone.

jurneyman

Hippy, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, or interpret what I am going to say as being insensitive to your pain. but your mum bringing this out might give you a chance to finally remove the effects of these memories. This is just my experience, After I had been off the drugs and alcohol for a couple of weeks after about a 20 year run, I had to deal with my demons that I no longer could hide from, and the raw pain without the numbness, I was so full of fear of the unknown future, and the anger of the past that I couldn't do anything about, the only emotion that I could express was total rage fueled by the hate of being what I now know as powerlessness, that consumed and controlled me. No matter who I talked to in and out of the 12 step rooms, counselors, from alcohol and drug or the VA. I couldn't mellow the rage, I wanted to use so bad just to find some peace so I wouldn't be constantly venting the pressure inside of me, at anyone and everyone who tried to help me, I just wanted to lay down, nod out, and get some rest from it. Finally a man I call a friend today from NA who had similar experiences in his life, told me what he did to release his rage from his memories, we went down in the basement and tied an old seat cushion to a beam, and told me to start thinking of what was hurting me and beat on that cushion til I couldn't even stand up any more from fatigue, a few times I tried to quit but he wouldn't let me, I had to keep doing it till I was screaming at the top of my lungs and beating on that cushion till there was no strength left to go on, He came over every day and pushed me to do this, and then go to a NA meeting, after three or four days it had subsided to a point that the hurt just wasn't there anymore, That cushion hung in the basement till I moved, as I still went down every once in awhile when life seemed like it was controlling me again, and got the anger out, but it was never that bad again. I wish you blessings, to find peace.

historyteach

(((Hippy)))
I'm so sorry...

Shalom!

hippyhippy

Thank you all,
I am feeling less fraught this morning. Last night just caught me unawares.

Nadm, I am so sorry you and your g/f had this sort of c**p to deal with too. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother now and I would for give her anything. I have forgiven her for past hurts.
However, every now and then something happens to bring back the pain or biterness. My mum didn't acknowledge stuff that happened to me, not out of badness or cruelty. She, I think, reacted as she did for a variety of reasons. She tried to bury her head in the sand. If she didn't acknowledge the enormity of it, then it never really happened. Also, to accept the things that happened to me, of which this one is only one of them, then she has to accept that her and my father were very often drunk and not looking after me properly, which is when most of the things happened.
This is how my mum deals with things. If they are too big for her to handle, she will only deal with it if she really really has to. She obviously didn't want to handle my past abuses with me. It was too big for her.
I have a wonderful relationship with my mum. Her stopping drinking helped immensely. She is fantastic to me and my kids and is a great source of support. She carries a huge amount of guilt for my younger years when she and my dad spent so much time drunk. I don't think she can cope with the enormity of things that happened to me on top of this guilt.
I just have to accept this situation. I have a psychologist to help me through this. I can accept her not being able to cope with it and not being able to talk about it but the complete denial of it hurts a bit. The bit that as a 17 year old I wanted my mums validation.


Jurneyman,
I do not find your comments insensitive at all. You make a lot of sense. Actually, the first counsellor I ever saw, when I was 17, 20 years ago tried to get me to do exactly what you talk about. She tried to get me to hit the pillow and yell, swear, curse...whatever I wanted to help release the pain and hurt. I couldn't do it. Paralysis struck me.
The psychologist I am seeing just now is trying to help me with my suppressed anger. He says I have half a lifetime of emotions tied up iside me that aren't going anywhere. Not just anger about the past, but present too.

Thanks again folks. It helped to vent what I did last night. I feel better about it today. I am back to acceptance of my mothers ability to completely block off something that she finds so painful. It's her way and she doesn't do it to hurt me. She just can't cope any other way.

Hippy
xx

Jadmack25

Have had sleepless nights, nightmares of a traumatic event 4 years ago. That also opened the door to that big, black dog, depression which nearly brought me to ending it for good. I believed I had it sorted, then my abf hit me with news that had the nightmares, feeling of rage and great pain begin all over again. Latest load of blah blah is that he's back on booze because my depression has made him feel very down too. WOWEE!
I used boxing gloves on counselor (he had padded shield in front of him) and he was floored (actually) by the strength of punches from an arthritic 64 granny.
Trust me I was so angry, my punches would have made "Rocky" look like a wimp.
After this last gut hit from abf, I used what I had at home to belt the living daylights out of, and left and old leather couch seat in very bad shape. I felt good though. Also got amazing support from 95 year old mum, who backed me all the way. He is on own while drinking, because I can't do more than care for myself right now. First time in 19 years I have pt me first. Feels FAB.

Live

Oh, hippy....I am so sorry I missed this. But I will say it is better that others replied first!
I keep up such guarded boundaries with my family as they are not supportive that I know I would have said, I do not want to talk about this and if it had gone further I would have simply stated that the friend raped me at 7 and could not be considered a friend by any stretch and that I needed to end the conversation.

That and as in Judith's statement of friendship...anyone who hurts my friends, I want to be all over them like a monkey!

many hugs,
Tena

hippyhippy

Jadmack, I am sorry you too have similar issues from the past. Sounds like you are doing well in releasing some of that anger, which is good.

Thanks Tena. I am over the hurt now. As for the anger, my psychologist is trying to help me with this. I have been given 'homework' to do. I have to let people know when I am angry at something and there are a couple of things hapening just now that would give me the opportunity....but I am too anxious!
Hippy
xx

jurneyman

Hippy, Just one more suggestion to help deal with your Mother, This is also from my
personal experience, My Mother just could not admit, or see a problem with my Fathers Alcoholism. When I came into the programs of AA and NA I learned about denial and
how much power it has to hide a painful truth or experience. I was then able to just let it go, we are powerless over what others think or say, as painful as your experience was, you are only going to keep reliving the abuse, until you can pray to let the resentment go, not only in your mind, as you seemed to have done, but from your heart as well, the memory will continue to hurt you, Learning to live a Spiritual life can sometimes be very difficult to do, even to the point of forgiveness some day when you are able, again use prayer to help you to be willing to Let it go and Let God deal with it, please don't let something that you can't change, as painful as it was, stop you from moving ahead in your life today, and keep you stuck in the past. You have a right to be
happy joyous and free, as unfair as it seems, it is solely up to you. May the God of your understand bless your efforts.