frustrated and alone: but hopeless?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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frustrated and alone: but hopeless?
I feel a bit hopeless. helpless against my addiction.
I have almost completely lost any desire to quit, and in the meantime I am falling further into "the hole"
the hole of money problems
the hole of guilt
the hole of lonliness AND alone-ness
the hole of hopless-ness
looking at it objectively and honestly, there's probably not a chance that I will stay clean after work today. but I will try and take this moment, now, and see if i can add some more moments of prayer into my next hour.
I am definitely riding a sinking ship. all i got to do is start taking care of business and my ship will probably take care of things just fine.
but that's the problem
trying to get to that open and loving place in my heart that wants to quit. that wants to quit with a lot more resolve than just getting 1 day or a half a day, or three days clean.
even though "one day at a time" is a key concept. a very helpful and truthful saying. there is also a part of me that needs to let go of this, unreservedly, like fiorever. I need to take hold of something inside of me that can be brave enough or strong enough to let go of this stuff. FOREVER...and one day at a time.
because i keep wanting BOTH. but I cant have a life filled with love, if I keep the drug. the drug takes away the life that runs within my breath.
I have almost completely lost any desire to quit, and in the meantime I am falling further into "the hole"
the hole of money problems
the hole of guilt
the hole of lonliness AND alone-ness
the hole of hopless-ness
looking at it objectively and honestly, there's probably not a chance that I will stay clean after work today. but I will try and take this moment, now, and see if i can add some more moments of prayer into my next hour.
I am definitely riding a sinking ship. all i got to do is start taking care of business and my ship will probably take care of things just fine.
but that's the problem
trying to get to that open and loving place in my heart that wants to quit. that wants to quit with a lot more resolve than just getting 1 day or a half a day, or three days clean.
even though "one day at a time" is a key concept. a very helpful and truthful saying. there is also a part of me that needs to let go of this, unreservedly, like fiorever. I need to take hold of something inside of me that can be brave enough or strong enough to let go of this stuff. FOREVER...and one day at a time.
because i keep wanting BOTH. but I cant have a life filled with love, if I keep the drug. the drug takes away the life that runs within my breath.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Ksplash,
Once a voice full of positivity you have become so negative. Do you realize that? I'm not saying that to say go away. I'm saying look at your thoughts here and see how your dragged down by them. Also you say you need to do "forever and yet can't do today." That's why. Most of us can't think forever. Think one day/morning/lunch/evening. It's a trick of the mind and it's effective. You're outsmarting yourself and you're going to lose when you do so: Looking too far ahead. Not good my friend. Love, Kathleen
Once a voice full of positivity you have become so negative. Do you realize that? I'm not saying that to say go away. I'm saying look at your thoughts here and see how your dragged down by them. Also you say you need to do "forever and yet can't do today." That's why. Most of us can't think forever. Think one day/morning/lunch/evening. It's a trick of the mind and it's effective. You're outsmarting yourself and you're going to lose when you do so:
looking at it objectively and honestly, there's probably not a chance that I will stay clean after work today
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mourning smileys near you
Posts: 2,508
Ksplash, those holes you describe will be a whole lot bigger when you wake up tomorrow morning after drinking. 
Don't trust your instinct to drink, it will lead you to a place where it will be harder and harder to get yourself out.
Seek some guidance with the other problems you're having, sober. It is the only way to deal with them - if you drink they will get much, much worse.
Don't trust your instinct to drink, it will lead you to a place where it will be harder and harder to get yourself out.
Seek some guidance with the other problems you're having, sober. It is the only way to deal with them - if you drink they will get much, much worse.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I just sat here for like 5 mins staring at this screen wondering what I could say to you.
I really dont have anything that is going to make you not use. I been there.
When I felt like you are now. I only heard that addiction. Nothing anyone said was going to make me not go. Even though I knew they were right. And as much as I fought it sometimes. I couldnt win. Or was it I didnt fight hard enough?
Or maybe I really didnt want to.
I got to a point where I hurt way more than that desire to get high. I got so sick of feeling like your explaining. So tired of the endless BS.
I guess you have to stop thinking you "probaby wont" and start thinking you "WILL".
I hope you decide to stay clean after work.
Those holes can get real deep. But never too deep to ask for help out. There are alot of hands reaching for you down there. You gotta reach back tho.
Thinking of you.
I really dont have anything that is going to make you not use. I been there.
When I felt like you are now. I only heard that addiction. Nothing anyone said was going to make me not go. Even though I knew they were right. And as much as I fought it sometimes. I couldnt win. Or was it I didnt fight hard enough?
Or maybe I really didnt want to.
I got to a point where I hurt way more than that desire to get high. I got so sick of feeling like your explaining. So tired of the endless BS.
I guess you have to stop thinking you "probaby wont" and start thinking you "WILL".
I hope you decide to stay clean after work.
Those holes can get real deep. But never too deep to ask for help out. There are alot of hands reaching for you down there. You gotta reach back tho.
Thinking of you.
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Hi ksplash5
I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. Like most of us here I have been there.
I don't believe you have almost completely lost any desire to quit because you posted here. I went through a stage when I wanted to stop drinking and I wanted to drink at the same time. You have the desire to do both.
The next step is sobriety.
Your not falling into the hole your digging the hole.
Put down the shovel. It's like being in quicksand. What your doing is only making things worse.
When I was where you are at now in my prayers I surrendered completely. Everything. I gave it all to God. Money problems, guilt, hopelessness, loneliness, job, friends, family, home. I was willing to give up everything good and bad. Everything I was, thought I was, thought I knew. I was willing to step outside of my comfort zone. I asked God to keep me sober and that was the only thing that mattered to me at that moment.
I was the sinking ship and I let God take care of business.
It turns out I only had to be willing. I didn't lose everything. I the only thing I lost was the desire to drink. That is God's will for me, and you. Your role is to let God keep you sober today.
Larry
I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. Like most of us here I have been there.
I don't believe you have almost completely lost any desire to quit because you posted here. I went through a stage when I wanted to stop drinking and I wanted to drink at the same time. You have the desire to do both.
The next step is sobriety.
Your not falling into the hole your digging the hole.
Put down the shovel. It's like being in quicksand. What your doing is only making things worse.When I was where you are at now in my prayers I surrendered completely. Everything. I gave it all to God. Money problems, guilt, hopelessness, loneliness, job, friends, family, home. I was willing to give up everything good and bad. Everything I was, thought I was, thought I knew. I was willing to step outside of my comfort zone. I asked God to keep me sober and that was the only thing that mattered to me at that moment.
I was the sinking ship and I let God take care of business.
It turns out I only had to be willing. I didn't lose everything. I the only thing I lost was the desire to drink. That is God's will for me, and you. Your role is to let God keep you sober today.
Larry
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
hello to SR. and thank to those who responded. I needed that, i need support, and you gave it to me.
I see a strong possibility of staying clean today. I am feeling a bit of hope and care for others today. It feels so much better to be clean.
I want to go to a meeting tonight. it's a meeting called "preventing relapse"; could be something for me. it's not a 12 step meeting per say.
I am going to say the serenity prayer a bunch of times today. I am going to pray for courage to "change the things I can". I have been accepting my addiction as something that I can't change, something that I don't want to change. I am going to try and practice sobriety today.
I've listened to a song three times this morning. it's called "the NO-NO song", by john lennon. a line is : "no no no no, I don't smoke it no more ......"
this morning is the first time I've listened to my IPOD in over a week....that's a good thing....for today.
So I will officially look at this as DAY 1 again. I will be positive. I will try to be clean and sober today. I have made a decision to turn my life over to the care of the universe. I will not be afraid of failure or even think about it. I will keep my mind focused on recovery, on others, and on grattitude.
I see a strong possibility of staying clean today. I am feeling a bit of hope and care for others today. It feels so much better to be clean.
I want to go to a meeting tonight. it's a meeting called "preventing relapse"; could be something for me. it's not a 12 step meeting per say.
I am going to say the serenity prayer a bunch of times today. I am going to pray for courage to "change the things I can". I have been accepting my addiction as something that I can't change, something that I don't want to change. I am going to try and practice sobriety today.
I've listened to a song three times this morning. it's called "the NO-NO song", by john lennon. a line is : "no no no no, I don't smoke it no more ......"
this morning is the first time I've listened to my IPOD in over a week....that's a good thing....for today.
So I will officially look at this as DAY 1 again. I will be positive. I will try to be clean and sober today. I have made a decision to turn my life over to the care of the universe. I will not be afraid of failure or even think about it. I will keep my mind focused on recovery, on others, and on grattitude.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
one more hour until work is over.
I want to stay positive, but my addict mind is trying to take jover and run the show....it doesn't care that i only have about 80 dollars left in my savings account. it figures that I will take care of it. that i still have the resources to have a few more "one more times" or at least ONE more.
I called an AA person and left a message. he hasn't returned my call. now my "addict" is already projecting a "non-return-call" as a perfect excuse to get high again.
but i came here. I have been repeating the serenity prayer today. I got frustrated in weloding class, but i'm kind've a little better right now.
who am i kidding....i think my mjind just now almost closed the deal on usinig after work. I mean it just hyappened AS i write.
i don't know if there is something that i can do at this point.
I want to stay positive, but my addict mind is trying to take jover and run the show....it doesn't care that i only have about 80 dollars left in my savings account. it figures that I will take care of it. that i still have the resources to have a few more "one more times" or at least ONE more.
I called an AA person and left a message. he hasn't returned my call. now my "addict" is already projecting a "non-return-call" as a perfect excuse to get high again.
but i came here. I have been repeating the serenity prayer today. I got frustrated in weloding class, but i'm kind've a little better right now.
who am i kidding....i think my mjind just now almost closed the deal on usinig after work. I mean it just hyappened AS i write.
i don't know if there is something that i can do at this point.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
i'm frustrated with this endless "obsession" cycle. once it starts I give up. lately i don't even ride it out for an hour. I just give in and then plan my demise.
I clearly don't want to be clean. I clearly want one more
I hope this is a good example of the insanity of addiction for someone and helps them to not use.
I am not trying to glorify this. I'm just talking out loud. I've been very alone for the last couple of weeks. it's nice to be here and talking with "the universe...the cyber universe". at least kind've trying.
I simply dont know what to do. maybe rather I don't want to do nothing. yay...i'd say i am simply sabatoging myself, i am set on doing nothing so that I can keep on obsessing, and then use.
this is insanity. has anyone gone through this kind've thought pattern? if so maybe you have some helpful words for me.
well my internet time is over. i got to get ready to leave work.
god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change (like my fear, and my "uncomfortableness", and my past)
the courage to change the things i can (like my choices)
and the wisdom to know the difference
blessing and kind thoughts to YOU
I clearly don't want to be clean. I clearly want one more
I hope this is a good example of the insanity of addiction for someone and helps them to not use.
I am not trying to glorify this. I'm just talking out loud. I've been very alone for the last couple of weeks. it's nice to be here and talking with "the universe...the cyber universe". at least kind've trying.
I simply dont know what to do. maybe rather I don't want to do nothing. yay...i'd say i am simply sabatoging myself, i am set on doing nothing so that I can keep on obsessing, and then use.
this is insanity. has anyone gone through this kind've thought pattern? if so maybe you have some helpful words for me.
well my internet time is over. i got to get ready to leave work.
god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change (like my fear, and my "uncomfortableness", and my past)
the courage to change the things i can (like my choices)
and the wisdom to know the difference
blessing and kind thoughts to YOU
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Hi again. I know that feeling when you struggling and then all of a sudden you make a decision to drink/use. It feels like there is no going back or changing your mind but there really is. You can resist all the way up until after you use. Instead of using, go get an icecream cone, or rent a movie, or do something you wouldnt normally do after work. Just gather all your resolve and tell yourself no. Sending good thoughts your way. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
k, This is obsession. Now you fully realize what and how it is and how it works. Next time you will recognize it quicker and take appropriate action! Call someone, come here, go to a meeting. Listen to some supportive music. Music helps me a lot. I would listen to my favorite stuff.
You can do this. You have lots of support and experienced peeps here to help. And not judge you.
Love,
Lenina
You can do this. You have lots of support and experienced peeps here to help. And not judge you.
Love,
Lenina
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I did that many many many times. I didnt even try and fight it.
And I didnt because I really wanted to get high.
All I can say is when you are really ready to stop. You can put up a good fight.
I know you want to. But the problem I am seeing is you dont want to enough.
Like I said before. You will get to that point where it just disgusts you so bad that you wont even want to get high.
Thats when you need to get your ass some help.
Just hoping it goes away isnt going to cut it.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I lOOOVED my rocks. And even though I knew what it was doing. As many times as I felt like dieing behind it. And almost have several times. Seeing my family crushed and hurting. Doing the disgusting things I use to do while using. MAn..It didnt matter until I totally got sick of it. And lost my love for it.
I knwo it seems impossible right about now. I often thought I was doomed for life.
But it is possible. But it doesnt happen by itself.
You have to do something other than give in. As uncomfortable as it is.
Not using never killed anyone. Neither has the thoughts..cravings..urges..none of that ever killed anyone.
It is a complete mind F*** from hell. ANd it is very uncomfortable. But getting high will kill you. Maybe not this time. But keep going the way you are and it will kill you some way or another.
I mean think about how awful it feels to run out and not be able to get more. How desperate that feels. How awful it feels. Fighting the urge to begin with is way easier in my opinion. I friggin hate not getting more. I have never felt so dam desperate for anyhting in my life like that feels. I hate that feeling. I hate coming down. I hate feeling like a freaked out psycho while high. Everything about it isnt even enjoyable. Its madness.
All that is way worse than that uncomfortable feeling of trying not to pick up in the first place.
I really hope you find some help somehow.
It is possible to beat it. How bad do you really want to?
And I didnt because I really wanted to get high.
All I can say is when you are really ready to stop. You can put up a good fight.
I know you want to. But the problem I am seeing is you dont want to enough.
Like I said before. You will get to that point where it just disgusts you so bad that you wont even want to get high.
Thats when you need to get your ass some help.
Just hoping it goes away isnt going to cut it.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I lOOOVED my rocks. And even though I knew what it was doing. As many times as I felt like dieing behind it. And almost have several times. Seeing my family crushed and hurting. Doing the disgusting things I use to do while using. MAn..It didnt matter until I totally got sick of it. And lost my love for it.
I knwo it seems impossible right about now. I often thought I was doomed for life.
But it is possible. But it doesnt happen by itself.
You have to do something other than give in. As uncomfortable as it is.
Not using never killed anyone. Neither has the thoughts..cravings..urges..none of that ever killed anyone.
It is a complete mind F*** from hell. ANd it is very uncomfortable. But getting high will kill you. Maybe not this time. But keep going the way you are and it will kill you some way or another.
I mean think about how awful it feels to run out and not be able to get more. How desperate that feels. How awful it feels. Fighting the urge to begin with is way easier in my opinion. I friggin hate not getting more. I have never felt so dam desperate for anyhting in my life like that feels. I hate that feeling. I hate coming down. I hate feeling like a freaked out psycho while high. Everything about it isnt even enjoyable. Its madness.
All that is way worse than that uncomfortable feeling of trying not to pick up in the first place.
I really hope you find some help somehow.
It is possible to beat it. How bad do you really want to?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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i appreciate the responses...this has been one of my few lifelines to honesty and the reality of my situation.
i can relate to this.
chiynita...i made it to work and all that. but still without the desire to stay clean.
about 5, 6, 7 years ago i would go through this ALL the time, thinking "oh I will try again tomorrow". remember that too?
think about how awful it feels to run out and not be able to get more. How desperate that feels. How awful it feels. Fighting the urge to begin with is way easier in my opinion. I friggin hate not getting more. I have never felt so dam desperate for anyhting in my life like that feels. I hate that feeling.
chiynita...i made it to work and all that. but still without the desire to stay clean.
about 5, 6, 7 years ago i would go through this ALL the time, thinking "oh I will try again tomorrow". remember that too?
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Ksplash...I'm so late to this thread...I hope you are feeling better today.
Hopeless....that word stuck out. I'm sorry you feel that way...I get like that at times...I ride out the storm as best I can when it creeps up (or slams me in the head).
You wanna know something? I actually want to get drunk most of the time. I'm almost always thinking about it. Kind of hard not to...it's been a huge force in my life for about six years. A nasty beast like that is hard to shake. It was fun...the only problems were: it drained my finances, crapped up my health, and swallowed up my life into a repetetive behavior that I now see as a living nightmare.
I have accepted that I like being drunked up, but that doesn't mean I have to drink. I can find other things to do, even if I don't want to do them. I have to remind myself every day that I need to give being sober enough of a chance. I'm trying to change the wiring in my brain. That can take a while.
Don't give up. Keep trying.
Thank you so much for your post...I see a lot of me there. I could have written the same thing you did on any number of days. Big hugs to you. :ghug3
Hopeless....that word stuck out. I'm sorry you feel that way...I get like that at times...I ride out the storm as best I can when it creeps up (or slams me in the head).
You wanna know something? I actually want to get drunk most of the time. I'm almost always thinking about it. Kind of hard not to...it's been a huge force in my life for about six years. A nasty beast like that is hard to shake. It was fun...the only problems were: it drained my finances, crapped up my health, and swallowed up my life into a repetetive behavior that I now see as a living nightmare.
I have accepted that I like being drunked up, but that doesn't mean I have to drink. I can find other things to do, even if I don't want to do them. I have to remind myself every day that I need to give being sober enough of a chance. I'm trying to change the wiring in my brain. That can take a while.
Don't give up. Keep trying.
Thank you so much for your post...I see a lot of me there. I could have written the same thing you did on any number of days. Big hugs to you. :ghug3
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
wow...thanks for the responses.
a part of me feels like such a jerk, using every day, and yet coming here and sharing m failures to stay clean, and documenting something about it.
but perhaps this type of sharing can be helpful to someone, so I'll keep on posting this way so long as it has to be my truth.
I appreciate everyone's repsonses and support and SR in general, and I also appreciated the specific responses from those who have been on my path and who have stopped.
Honestly, i've already made my plans for today after work. plans of darkness. self-punishment. why? like it was said above becasuse I want to use. I know that I have to find a desire whithin me that wants to get clean/sober MORE than I want to use. also because "i want one more". i always want one more. as I am looking back at all this it is always about wanting one more. just one. just one high. just one that I can control; that i can enjoy. but i never enjoy it. it's the same thing everytime. a nightmare of paranoia and then wanting one more one more one more.
I keep thinking that I can do just one more night. and then tomorrow I will start to get it together. then i wake up like ****, with only an hour or two of sleep, and go to work miserable, and then start to build back up a little, and start to feel better, and then start to maybe even feeling pretty good. but then when the home stretch comes, i'll have a thought. that's been my repetition for the last couple of weeks.
I appreciate you guys. when I'm at work i keep it all a big secret. keep up a big front so that no one can get close. don't talk about my life outside of work. just do the minimum to socialize and try to apprear to be MY self. try to make it on time and to not leave early. so i'm all a fake at work. it is a lot of work to keep it all a secret, or to at least TRY to keep it all a secret.
good thoughts to everyone. to those who are staying clean/sober: CONGRADULATIONS. yes yes yes. way to go. it must feel so nice, during the good feeling times, to be clean. and it must be nice to be able to feel and face your feelings and to be going towards the light
and to thosej who are not having as much sucess with staying clean/sober: to you hang in there and do what you got to do. don't ever stop quitting. there is hope and there is a possibility that you and me can get clewan and that we can change our lives into some kind of new living that we never before experienced, except perhaps during a rare moment now and then.
thanks....be back tomorrow afternoon
a part of me feels like such a jerk, using every day, and yet coming here and sharing m failures to stay clean, and documenting something about it.
but perhaps this type of sharing can be helpful to someone, so I'll keep on posting this way so long as it has to be my truth.
I appreciate everyone's repsonses and support and SR in general, and I also appreciated the specific responses from those who have been on my path and who have stopped.
Honestly, i've already made my plans for today after work. plans of darkness. self-punishment. why? like it was said above becasuse I want to use. I know that I have to find a desire whithin me that wants to get clean/sober MORE than I want to use. also because "i want one more". i always want one more. as I am looking back at all this it is always about wanting one more. just one. just one high. just one that I can control; that i can enjoy. but i never enjoy it. it's the same thing everytime. a nightmare of paranoia and then wanting one more one more one more.
I keep thinking that I can do just one more night. and then tomorrow I will start to get it together. then i wake up like ****, with only an hour or two of sleep, and go to work miserable, and then start to build back up a little, and start to feel better, and then start to maybe even feeling pretty good. but then when the home stretch comes, i'll have a thought. that's been my repetition for the last couple of weeks.
I appreciate you guys. when I'm at work i keep it all a big secret. keep up a big front so that no one can get close. don't talk about my life outside of work. just do the minimum to socialize and try to apprear to be MY self. try to make it on time and to not leave early. so i'm all a fake at work. it is a lot of work to keep it all a secret, or to at least TRY to keep it all a secret.
good thoughts to everyone. to those who are staying clean/sober: CONGRADULATIONS. yes yes yes. way to go. it must feel so nice, during the good feeling times, to be clean. and it must be nice to be able to feel and face your feelings and to be going towards the light
and to thosej who are not having as much sucess with staying clean/sober: to you hang in there and do what you got to do. don't ever stop quitting. there is hope and there is a possibility that you and me can get clewan and that we can change our lives into some kind of new living that we never before experienced, except perhaps during a rare moment now and then.
thanks....be back tomorrow afternoon
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
almost everyday, after using I want to quit
I want to quit now. I want to start to get better.
then everyday for the last 10 days or so...when quitting time comes I simply get all excited about being abole to use, like rewarding myself, and off I go.
this is how i drank years ago
Well hopefully today....maybe today I can make the decision to stay clean for one day. God may i hyave the strength to stay determined to get one day clean, today. god if you help us, and if you are some guy or gal up there in the sky please hyelp me. I don't know what this higher power is. I used to know. I knew it was god. that was years ago. I don't disbelieve in "GOD", the american white god with a beard and a clipboard up there in the clouds surveying and studying his creation....but I don't believe it either. It doesn't matter, either way I simply don't and won't KNOW what god is and i guess that's ok. I kind've wish god was that american god, but that he was real nice and didn't swoop down and kill us when he's had enough of our badness. it would be comforting. it is comforting. I still sometimes think that way
no matter I need help or courage or the strength or the desire to stay clean. whatever works. I need to open my mind and still my thoughts and let the help come in.
I want to quit now. I want to start to get better.
then everyday for the last 10 days or so...when quitting time comes I simply get all excited about being abole to use, like rewarding myself, and off I go.
this is how i drank years ago
Well hopefully today....maybe today I can make the decision to stay clean for one day. God may i hyave the strength to stay determined to get one day clean, today. god if you help us, and if you are some guy or gal up there in the sky please hyelp me. I don't know what this higher power is. I used to know. I knew it was god. that was years ago. I don't disbelieve in "GOD", the american white god with a beard and a clipboard up there in the clouds surveying and studying his creation....but I don't believe it either. It doesn't matter, either way I simply don't and won't KNOW what god is and i guess that's ok. I kind've wish god was that american god, but that he was real nice and didn't swoop down and kill us when he's had enough of our badness. it would be comforting. it is comforting. I still sometimes think that way
no matter I need help or courage or the strength or the desire to stay clean. whatever works. I need to open my mind and still my thoughts and let the help come in.
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