wish he'd quit

I knew it would probably come to this. AH finally came home after being gone for a few days to his girlfriends house. It made for a peaceful weekend for us but once he was home his drama started. He said that he called the attorney and told him not to bother typing up anything because he wouldnt agree to the "no drinking" clause I asked for. The first thing he said about it was that it would make him look like a piece of %&$%. He is still claiming that he would never do anything to jeopardize him being able to see the kids. Nothing about their safety. (Not surprised there) Of course I told him that if he would never do anything then it wouldnt be a big deal to have it in the papers. When he started asking questions I told him that I didn't trust him not to drink and drive. He asked when the last time he drank and drove with them was. It may have been a while ago but that is besides the point. There is still a history of him drinking and having reckless behavior both while having the children in his custody and by himself. Then he preceeds to tell me that he will see me in court with pictures and a video of my dirty house. I just told him ok and that the last I checked I had never heard of a dirty house killing anyone. Its a mess and Im really nervous but Im not backing down. He is not currently seeking any sort of treatment. I have actually thought about contacting an addiction counselor myself so that I can learn what I need to about the affects on children and how I can best help them. I have even considered calling and asking CPS what their take on the whole situation is. I know that would be like reporting myself for having an unkempt house but this is involving my children and I want to make sure that they are safe.

blessed4x

Don't let the threats get to you, sounds like major manipulation. If he was living there then wasn't he also reponsible for keeping up the house? My AH used to complain when I was a stay at home mom and the house was messy, but I look at it like if you are doing what's best for the kids you are playing and interacting and making those messes. He once decided he wanted to be a stay at home dad. The house was spotless and the kids were miserable, and in my opinion neglected, while he did his control thing. Needless to say it didn't last long. Parenting IS a full time job! As long as there's nothing unsanitary I can't imagine any judge would care.

Lenina

wish,

I don't have any experience with your situation but I can offer you something that helped me get my house in order. Frankly, things had gotten out of hand due to me being away a lot (messy, but kind husband). Check out Flylady.net. She's got a good plan for getting the chaos of the household under control. And it's free! And fun!

I will keep you in my thoughts. It sounds like a very hard situation.

Love,

Lenina

wish he'd quit

Thank you both for your replys. I just went and cleaned up my son's room. It was worse than my daughters so wanted to feel like I had gotten something accomplished. Granted all the toys are in garbage bags, it is still picked up and only needs to be swept. Thanks for the tip about Flylady. I will have to check it out. Now Im just hoping that even though he claims to have pictures and videos that the present state is more important than the past. AH accused me earlier of trying to blame my not cleaning on his alcoholism. We fight back and forth all the time about whether my "lack of cleaning" has anything to do with alcoholism. I say yes and no but there is no justification to being an abusive alcoholic. Im just hoping that I can get through today and not have any moments with him. Not likely but I can hope.

SelfSeeking

wish, I just wanted to chime in here... please don't let this man's threats get to you... I mean, if you'd just like to try new organization techniques that's great, but I would hate to think there was a good mom out there being groundlessly terrorized by a cluttered house. *hugs* Your "lack of cleaning" does not make you a bad mom and has nothing to do with your AH's drinking! It certainly doesn't justify drunk driving and abuse!

hadenoughnow

It's aways something with them, if it wasn't the house it would be something else.

My ex would say "I drink but you are fat", after I lost weight it changed to

"You don't care about anyone but yourself" (because I worked out instead of listening to his quacking)

"all you do is work", "you drink too much tea", and on and on

quack quack quack


I personally think that cleaning up the house would give you some peace of mind in this situation and it would suck some wind out of his sails.

seethelight2009

Oh this sounds so familiar. We just had this fight and he always threatens me with he will win in court. We are still living under the same roof, but not for long. I am leaving. I also do not want him to have our daugter while he is drinking. Idk what to do about this.
But good luck in your situation. As far as the house don't worry about it. I know for me once he starts drinking all my motivation goes out the window then he makes a mess, and I have even less motivation.

denny57

It's only a struggle if two people are tugging on the rope. Have it drawn up the way you want. Present it for signature. Take it from there.

Forgive me for forgetting - but are you using one attorney?

respektingme

What does your attorney say? I bet judges are so used to hearing quacking that they are very used to the ole' "the house is always messy" argument.

One of my best friends husband threatened to tell the judge that she sleeps too much and neglects their kids if she got an attorney. She got an attorney and the attorney did a discovery of his bank accounts. Low and behold, he had plenty of reasons to be scared if she got an attorney, like years of hiding bonuses and a recent lucrative job promotion that increased his CS by $300/month. Their attorneys are still negotiating, but his threat to accuse her of sleeping too much has still yet to surface.

Your DH is scared. For whatever reason, he does not want to be humiliated by the fact that HE is an alcoholic. Let him make threats. Has CPS ever stepped in because of your messy house? So he's going to take pics of your messy house? Why doesn't he help clean? I'd be audiotaping every conversation. Go to Radio Shack and buy a tape recorder. Put it under the couch. When you hear him pull up, turn it on. They have a device there that makes the recorder voice-activated. Make sure it doesn't make the recorder make a noise when it turns on and off. I would be an audio tape of his threats against you for revealing to the judge that he's an alcoholic would prove extremely valuable in court. At the very least, it would be enough leverage to shut him up. And once you get a tape, make copies of it. I'd burn it to a cd and make many copies. Even if you never use it, it will stop you from being scared when he makes threats. And your calmness the next time he makes the threats will be enough for him to worry that something is up.

Pajarito

Hi wish, I put a clause in my divorce papers about alcohol use. It is the ONLY time it is being brought up in our divorce in writing. I asked that he refrain from using alcohol 24 hours before he sees dd as well as while he is with her. I have no idea if he is drinking now, but it ensures that IF he is or does in the future, I will have something to fall back on in the courts. STBXAH responded (he is representing himself) with something like this: I agree not to use alcohol if (Paj) agrees to the same. I'm not sure how the court will take that, but my lawyer responded by telling him HE is the one with the drinking problem, and my very occasional use of alcohol is not a detriment to dd. All you can do is put into writing what you want. And I do believe alcoholism needs to be addressed when there are kids involved. The "issue" of the cleanliness of your house is laughable. Doesn't he have a responsibility to help clean it up? Is he equating the cleanliness of your house with his alcohol use? It's manipulation designed to scare you. If you had the power to stop your husband from drinking with a clean house, you could write a book about it and hire your own housekeeper.

tormented22267

It sounds to me like he knows exactly which of your buttons to push, the dreaded 'dirty house' button. Like so many others have said, has a dirty house every killed anyone? Is a dirty house harming your children?? I'm a single mom w/a full time job. Clutter drives me nuts, so I don't have much of that, but, I do have lots of dust and animal hair (2 cats, 2 dogs - what can you do??); dishes in the sink (& I have a dishwasher); and we don't even want to bring up the state of my bathroom.

BUT, even with all that dirt around my house - my son and I still managed to have a GREAT time laughing and playing Yatzee last night. I'd take that time with my son over cleaning my house any day! I'm quite sure my dirty house did not cause him any anxiety; did not make him worry and did not cause him any physical harm.

I could be wrong - but, I'm also pretty sure a judge would agree that me being a responsible, sober, caring, mom in a dirty house is WAY better than me being an emotionally abusive, irresponsible, impaired alcoholic father in a clean house.

I also agree with Denny. I'd try to not even discuss the 'no drinking' clause anymore. Just have your lawyer draw up the papers as you wish, then take it from there.

(((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

wish he'd quit

Thanks everyone! We are using one attorney. I was in the process of getting my own attorney but he said that his attorney could do the disollusion. I have been telling AH the whole time that I am adding the no drinking clause. I think he thought I was bluffing. I'm going to call the attorney's office here shortly and see if he really did call. I don't know when to believe him anymore. He has told various lies lately so who knows now when he is being truthful.

Last night I also cleaned my son's room. It was the worst of the kids bedrooms. I'm going to clean my daughters this afternoon. SHe is 2 and not potty trained yet. Well when she wakes up alot of times she will take her diaper off. There have been a few times that she has peed with out her diaper and it has gotten onto the carpet. She also has been known to make a smeary mess if you get my drift. Well AH apparently found some on the bed that I missed and is claiming neglect that way too. But if he had to find it then its obvious that he doesnt do much of the child care. Its true the more he complains and belittles me for not being a good housekeeper the less I want to do. He claims that I try and use his drinking as justification for not cleaning but what ever. He isnt doing any of it either. He thinks that he shouldnt have to if he is working full time.

Barbara52

Get your own attorney. About the only time a divorce can happen with only one attorney involved is when both husband and wife agree on everything, and I do mean everything. You owe it to yourself and your children to have effective representation of YOUR interests in this mess.

Laciemae

I cannot stress enough the importance of getting your own attorney - unless you do agree on EVERYTHING. In the end the attorney IS working more for one party than the other. I KNOW first hand that experience. Going back to court to change the order is expensive and a huge hassle.

wish he'd quit

I talked to the attorneys office. They said that the attorney is going to AH today or tomorrow. They were telling me that it is standard language. Im not so sure that they get the extent of his alcoholism. I dont think he told them which isnt surprising. I did tell them that I know alot of what he is saying is out of hurt and anger.

Shivaya

Wish,

I remember that you have written about your "dirty house" before!!!

You know that keeping a dirty house is absolutely no comparison to alcoholism and putting the children in danger!!!

We just have to laugh at the things they come up with about how we are not doing our jobs as moms....!!!!

I am with Had Enough on this....don't listen to his quacking!!!

I am thinking of you,

Shivaya

hadenoughnow

An attorney cannot represent both you and your husband, the attorney is being paid to look out for his client (your STBX) interests not yours. They do not care if he is an A. Please consult with an attorney (most will give you an hour free).

denny57

Attorneys aren't psychologists and it's expensive to use them as such. I worked for attorneys for years - saying the above to them lets them know you may be a pushover when it comes to compromise.

It isn't their job to "get" the extent of his alcoholism.

I urge you to consider getting your own attorney.

Chrysalis123

Get your own attorney. If your husband is paying for the attorney, the attorney is working for your husband's interests not yours. I was married for 18 years and was scared to death to get my own attorney. I didn't know how I would pay for it. Well, come to find out, the length of the marriage is important and the fact that I sacrificed my career to be a stay-at-home mom for 11 years was important, and because of that my XAH had to pay most of my attorney fees. My attorney was worth every penny and got me a tremendous deal. You have to remember that you are breaking up a business arrangement so to speak. What you decide now will have ramifications for YEARS down the road. There all all kinds of things I didn't realize like taxes. You need an attorney on your side only. Please, I urge you, go see an attorney.

HopeandPrayer

Wish, get your own attourney, if this person is AH's attourney he has no obligation to fight for what you want. You need someone in your corner to fight for you and dd.
Barb