I cannot take my brother hurting my family anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: middle of the country
Posts: 4
I cannot take my brother hurting my family anymore
I’m looking for, I don’t know, validation I guess. I should probably say up front that I am sorry, I am no good at keeping things short.
I have a brother, we’ll call him L. He’s 30 something and has been an alcoholic for years, though he only admitted it to my parents about 2 years ago, when he started going to his first AA meeting. The attendance at meetings didn’t last long, he decided he really was okay and then slowly began drinking again. He’s not the kind to drink everyday; in fact he has lots of good days that help lull the entire family into thinking everything will be okay. But, when he is drunk, L gets quite belligerent and always seems to pick some event from childhood (like my dad coaching his little league baseball team) that he obsesses on and acts as if that event was a defining moment in his life that has caused him to be an alcoholic and make all kinds of self destructive choices (he is horrible with money as well). Conveniently for L, he is usually so plastered that he has no recollection at all of these events. The other thing he does when drunk is call and text friends, sometimes people he hasn’t talked to in a while. He has ticked off a lot of people because the messages he sends tend not to be nice or to make zero sense and he tends to send them in the middle of the night. L has also been known to actually call the Sheriff’s office and harass them about a restraining order that an ex-girlfriend took out on him.
My parents have helped hide L’s problem, provided him a roof and provided him with near total financial support while he went back to school and didn’t work so he could concentrate on his studies and staying sober. Mind you, during this time he ended up with a DWI and checked himself into rehab. There are so many details that I could give, but probably shouldn’t. I have no idea if he ever frequents forums such as these. I kind of doubt it, as of right now he is working on convincing my parents and himself that he is perfectly fine.
Long story short, he finished school, got a great job, then was let go, supposedly for reasons that had nothing to do with drinking or drug use. I forgot to mention, I am quite sure he abuses either prescription (tramadol) or OTC (Vicks 44 and Coricidin) or perhaps both. My parents, doing what they always do, swooped in to save him, moving him back across a few states and into their home. He was barely moved in before he got so drunk that again he ticked off friends and scared some others. I was the unfortunate one to have to make a decision about what to do with L. Having no way of knowing if he would sober up and recognize his mistake, or if he would keep right on using alcohol and whatever else he was using, I made the difficult decision to have him committed for observation and hopefully treatment.
He’s out now and mad as can be at me. Mad first that I put him there and mad second that I wouldn’t come see him. I’ve said I am done with him until he cleans up, moves out of my parents’ house and quits sucking them dry. Emotionally, I cannot be there for him. At first my parents said they would not let him come back and live with them. But, then L began complaining to them how he couldn’t sleep in the place that I put him. Beds are uncomfortable and people snore, and people talk to people that aren’t there. Totally, playing the “pity poor L” game. Never once taking responsibility for current or past decisions that he has made. Once out, L told my parents that he was worse off emotionally and physically then when he was committed. Next he told them that he takes the Tramadol exactly as prescribed and that it is not an addictive medication. I’ve tried to get my mom to get on the Internet and do a little searching of her own, but she wants to believe him so bad and I fear this will only reel her and my dad back in to footing the bill for L and continue to cause a lot of emotional strain on our family. The other kicker was today. L had an outpatient meeting with a psychologist (maybe a psychiatrist?) this afternoon. He came home and happily told my mother that a diagnosis had been made and he had the doctor write it down. He is “painfully normal”. Who makes a diagnosis in a single visit? And how do you diagnose someone with a long history of alcoholism, anger issues and avoidance issues as “painfully normal”? I understand, we all have problems and that is normal. But we don’t all use alcohol, pain pills, etc. to deal with those issues. We don’t all expect the world to just hand us money and hand us jobs and give us whatever we think we are entitled to. My mother seemed so happy about this diagnosis. Not really sure why, it isn’t going to fix him.
I am so fearful that my parents are buying his bull hook, line and sinker. Am I wrong to be angry? Am I wrong to tell them finally that I have to take care of my family, my husband, my children and get his sickness out of our lives so we can be healthy? Am I wrong to suggest to them to quit being his safety net? To let him fall so he can figure out what he really wants? I am just so sick of it!
I have a brother, we’ll call him L. He’s 30 something and has been an alcoholic for years, though he only admitted it to my parents about 2 years ago, when he started going to his first AA meeting. The attendance at meetings didn’t last long, he decided he really was okay and then slowly began drinking again. He’s not the kind to drink everyday; in fact he has lots of good days that help lull the entire family into thinking everything will be okay. But, when he is drunk, L gets quite belligerent and always seems to pick some event from childhood (like my dad coaching his little league baseball team) that he obsesses on and acts as if that event was a defining moment in his life that has caused him to be an alcoholic and make all kinds of self destructive choices (he is horrible with money as well). Conveniently for L, he is usually so plastered that he has no recollection at all of these events. The other thing he does when drunk is call and text friends, sometimes people he hasn’t talked to in a while. He has ticked off a lot of people because the messages he sends tend not to be nice or to make zero sense and he tends to send them in the middle of the night. L has also been known to actually call the Sheriff’s office and harass them about a restraining order that an ex-girlfriend took out on him.
My parents have helped hide L’s problem, provided him a roof and provided him with near total financial support while he went back to school and didn’t work so he could concentrate on his studies and staying sober. Mind you, during this time he ended up with a DWI and checked himself into rehab. There are so many details that I could give, but probably shouldn’t. I have no idea if he ever frequents forums such as these. I kind of doubt it, as of right now he is working on convincing my parents and himself that he is perfectly fine.
Long story short, he finished school, got a great job, then was let go, supposedly for reasons that had nothing to do with drinking or drug use. I forgot to mention, I am quite sure he abuses either prescription (tramadol) or OTC (Vicks 44 and Coricidin) or perhaps both. My parents, doing what they always do, swooped in to save him, moving him back across a few states and into their home. He was barely moved in before he got so drunk that again he ticked off friends and scared some others. I was the unfortunate one to have to make a decision about what to do with L. Having no way of knowing if he would sober up and recognize his mistake, or if he would keep right on using alcohol and whatever else he was using, I made the difficult decision to have him committed for observation and hopefully treatment.
He’s out now and mad as can be at me. Mad first that I put him there and mad second that I wouldn’t come see him. I’ve said I am done with him until he cleans up, moves out of my parents’ house and quits sucking them dry. Emotionally, I cannot be there for him. At first my parents said they would not let him come back and live with them. But, then L began complaining to them how he couldn’t sleep in the place that I put him. Beds are uncomfortable and people snore, and people talk to people that aren’t there. Totally, playing the “pity poor L” game. Never once taking responsibility for current or past decisions that he has made. Once out, L told my parents that he was worse off emotionally and physically then when he was committed. Next he told them that he takes the Tramadol exactly as prescribed and that it is not an addictive medication. I’ve tried to get my mom to get on the Internet and do a little searching of her own, but she wants to believe him so bad and I fear this will only reel her and my dad back in to footing the bill for L and continue to cause a lot of emotional strain on our family. The other kicker was today. L had an outpatient meeting with a psychologist (maybe a psychiatrist?) this afternoon. He came home and happily told my mother that a diagnosis had been made and he had the doctor write it down. He is “painfully normal”. Who makes a diagnosis in a single visit? And how do you diagnose someone with a long history of alcoholism, anger issues and avoidance issues as “painfully normal”? I understand, we all have problems and that is normal. But we don’t all use alcohol, pain pills, etc. to deal with those issues. We don’t all expect the world to just hand us money and hand us jobs and give us whatever we think we are entitled to. My mother seemed so happy about this diagnosis. Not really sure why, it isn’t going to fix him.
I am so fearful that my parents are buying his bull hook, line and sinker. Am I wrong to be angry? Am I wrong to tell them finally that I have to take care of my family, my husband, my children and get his sickness out of our lives so we can be healthy? Am I wrong to suggest to them to quit being his safety net? To let him fall so he can figure out what he really wants? I am just so sick of it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
Originally Posted by JustSickOfIt 
I am so fearful that my parents are buying his bull hook, line and sinker. Am I wrong to be angry? Am I wrong to tell them finally that I have to take care of my family, my husband, my children and get his sickness out of our lives so we can be healthy? Am I wrong to suggest to them to quit being his safety net? To let him fall so he can figure out what he really wants? I am just so sick of it!
Welcome to SR. You've come to a wonderful place full of people who have so much experience and knowledge that they can share with you.
I'm sorry that your brother is putting you and your family through this. Dealing with an alcoholic is extremely hard. BUT, I would like to say that you are on the right path IMO.
You have every right to be angry. Addiction makes everyone feel crazy and eventually you get tired of it and then you just plain get mad.
You also have every right to tell your parents and your brother that you don't want to participate in the "dance" anymore. Do what YOU have to do to keep your sanity. Your brother is an adult, he can fend for himself. The longer you participate the angrier and crazier you'll get.
As for your parents well...you can tell them to stop being his safety net but just like your brother, until they've finally had enough, they're going to keep on doing what they're doing. There's a saying used in here a lot "nothing changes if nothing changes".
I hope you can find what works for you so you can find peace. If it means no contact with your brother or your parents then so be it. It's hard, I know. I had to cut off all contact with my STBXAH. But, since I've done that I can actually function.
I hope you keep posting. Maybe some Alanon meetings would help. I've never been, but I hear they are also a wealth of knowledge.
:praying
Sue
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,937
Hiya Justsickofit--
Am I wrong to tell them finally that I have to take care of my family, my husband, my children and get his sickness out of our lives so we can be healthy? Am I wrong to suggest to them to quit being his safety net? To let him fall so he can figure out what he really wants? I am just so sick of it!
No you're not wrong! You're living in REALITY and taking care of YOU and YOUR family is your primary responsibility.
You can suggest that they not enable him anymore - but then you have to kind of let it go. They are adults and will make their own decisions. You could send them some reading material about addiction and codependence, but don't have any expectation that it will change their behavior....
Would they consider AlAnon? You could find out the local schedule or tel. numbers and tell them that may be their best shot at restoring THEIR sanity AND helping your brother....and again then you have to let it go and let them do their own thing...
It's very painful but you can really only help yourself in this situation. I had to let go of my attachment to trying to rescue/help my 3 alcoholic brothers many years ago. I was in a lot of pain (my father was also an alkie who got sober/recovered when I was 15) and I stumbled into AlAnon and just followed directions (what I wished my alkie bros would have done!!).
The things I learned in AlAnon really turned my head around in a positive way. So I recommend it to people who are dealing with loved ones who are alcoholics...but it's not the only way as many on here will tell you. There are great books out there-- "Under the Influence" and "Codependent No More" are really great. Also read the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum, some great stuff there. Also one-on-one counseling is a big help in learning how to detach and cope with this situation.
And just try to ignore stuff like the Dr's written diagnosis. Your brother's behavior is all that matters. Not what he says, not what a doctor says, it's what he does that tells you where he's at with his addiction. Anything else is just the duck quacking!
My youngest A brother just moved in with my Mom. He's 35 and...well you get the picture perfectly right? So even though I began this journey of learning to live with this stuff many many years ago - I still need help managing my reactions and my tendency to want to just jump all over this situation....alcoholism is a progressive disease and gets worse over time.
Stick around-- you'll find lots of great help and open arms and open minds here on SR!
Peace,
B.
Am I wrong to tell them finally that I have to take care of my family, my husband, my children and get his sickness out of our lives so we can be healthy? Am I wrong to suggest to them to quit being his safety net? To let him fall so he can figure out what he really wants? I am just so sick of it!
No you're not wrong! You're living in REALITY and taking care of YOU and YOUR family is your primary responsibility.
You can suggest that they not enable him anymore - but then you have to kind of let it go. They are adults and will make their own decisions. You could send them some reading material about addiction and codependence, but don't have any expectation that it will change their behavior....
Would they consider AlAnon? You could find out the local schedule or tel. numbers and tell them that may be their best shot at restoring THEIR sanity AND helping your brother....and again then you have to let it go and let them do their own thing...
It's very painful but you can really only help yourself in this situation. I had to let go of my attachment to trying to rescue/help my 3 alcoholic brothers many years ago. I was in a lot of pain (my father was also an alkie who got sober/recovered when I was 15) and I stumbled into AlAnon and just followed directions (what I wished my alkie bros would have done!!).
The things I learned in AlAnon really turned my head around in a positive way. So I recommend it to people who are dealing with loved ones who are alcoholics...but it's not the only way as many on here will tell you. There are great books out there-- "Under the Influence" and "Codependent No More" are really great. Also read the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum, some great stuff there. Also one-on-one counseling is a big help in learning how to detach and cope with this situation.
And just try to ignore stuff like the Dr's written diagnosis. Your brother's behavior is all that matters. Not what he says, not what a doctor says, it's what he does that tells you where he's at with his addiction. Anything else is just the duck quacking!
My youngest A brother just moved in with my Mom. He's 35 and...well you get the picture perfectly right? So even though I began this journey of learning to live with this stuff many many years ago - I still need help managing my reactions and my tendency to want to just jump all over this situation....alcoholism is a progressive disease and gets worse over time.
Stick around-- you'll find lots of great help and open arms and open minds here on SR!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It sounds to me like you are doing jsut what you need to do for yourself and you family. You parents and your brother are adult responsibile for their choices. Not you. You are responsible for your choices. Setting boundaries as to what you can tolerate is a very healthy thing to do. It's not easy to let go but its worse trying to control the uncontrolable.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Hi and welcome to SR. I can't add anything to what's been posted already. I've been in a similar situation with my Abrother, and you're welcome to read my old posts. My Mom & I even had him commited. In the very beginning we all were in such denial we thought he had a gambling problem, which is bad in and of itself, but I laugh about that. My parents did not want to face the alcoholism and drugs. What has helped me is what has been suggested already, the stickies, the books, the forum and Alanon. You're not alone, glad you found us.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
No you are not wrong to want to distance yourself but, don't expect that just because you are done that your parents will be or him for that matter,
Take good care of yourself and your family...
Take good care of yourself and your family...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My parents were my best enablers in my addictions, and when I got clean/sober, they turned their enabling to my oldest daughter. When she finally burnt them badly enough, they quit, but in turn started enabling my youngest daughter.
We had a huge blow-out a couple of weeks ago, and I had to severe ties for my own sanity and recovery.
I tried for years and years to get my parents to understand enabling, to no avail.
It drove me crazy.
I hopped off of the crazy train and now take care of myself
We had a huge blow-out a couple of weeks ago, and I had to severe ties for my own sanity and recovery.
I tried for years and years to get my parents to understand enabling, to no avail.
It drove me crazy.
I hopped off of the crazy train and now take care of myself
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 22
Hi - for what it's worth, I think your anger is justified and you are saying/doing all the right things. For me, the situation with my sister and her AH got so bad that I have had to stop communicating with her for a while, but still keep in daily contact with her 4 minor children by email on a daily basis. My brother-in-law's behavior has dragged them through unnecessary pain over the last 10 years - and I was letting myself and my family get dragged into the craziness of covering up, pretending that everything was o.k., etc. I pray every day that my sister will go to AlAnon, and that perhaps my brother-in-law will find true sobriety - but until them, I have to try to detach as much as possible or I will become sick as well.
I wish you peace...keep using SR. It's been a great tool for me and people are so supportive and wise. I check the threads every day just for a little "booster shot" of sanity!
I wish you peace...keep using SR. It's been a great tool for me and people are so supportive and wise. I check the threads every day just for a little "booster shot" of sanity!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I had to smile at your brother bringing home such a silly
"diagnoses" He probably got a drinking buddy to do that
perhaps on paper stolen by brother at the doctors office.
So typical of alcoholic behavior.
My Mom enabled my brother during his active alcoholism
when he got sober....she spent years "fixing" my daughter.
She told me...many times...
"It's my money and my life. ... mind your own business"
So I did. .... By that time I too was drinking alcoholically
and found my recovery in AA.
In retrospect...I think my Mom needed to be needed.
Anyway...Welcome to SR
Blessings to all of you
"diagnoses" He probably got a drinking buddy to do that
perhaps on paper stolen by brother at the doctors office.
So typical of alcoholic behavior.
My Mom enabled my brother during his active alcoholism
when he got sober....she spent years "fixing" my daughter.
She told me...many times...
"It's my money and my life. ... mind your own business"
So I did. ....
By that time I too was drinking alcoholically and found my recovery in AA.
In retrospect...I think my Mom needed to be needed.
Anyway...Welcome to SR
Blessings to all of you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: middle of the country
Posts: 4
Thank you all so much for your responses, for making me feel okay with my decisions and for making me feel welcome here. I don't know why I didn't look for this forum sooner. Years ago, when dealing with infertility, I found a forum that I loved and made all the difference in the world. I guess because there is so much secretiveness and shame about alcoholism that it didn't occur to me that a place like this existed on the web.
I have not tried Al-Anon, but have considered it. My parents went a few years back but did not find it helpful. My parents are simple people, and I do not mean that in any kind of derogatory way. But I think they felt like there was too much psycho babble at the meeting that just went over their head. But, perhaps I will give a meeting a try in the next few weeks. And I love that I have this forum to come to as well. I suspect I am going to need plenty of encouragement to stay strong in my resolve to quit letting my brother's illness affect my life.
It was so easy to ignore his illness when I lived several states away and only heard about his incidents every few months. Then we moved back to raise our children near family and suddenly his problem was in my face everyday. It made me so sad to see him hurting, but I think what made/makes me even sadder is to see him emotionally, and financially hurting my parents. He is also compromising their health, or at least I believe he is as they have health problems that stress certainly doesn't do any favors for. From the time we moved back, my husband has wanted to be very vocal to my brother and my parents about him taking responsibility and owning up to his problems. But, I continually asked my husband to stay quiet. To just let my parents do what they thought they needed to do for him, to get him his degree and get him out of the house and into a nice job. Ha, if that didn't backfire on me when he ended up out of their house for only a few months. I keep wondering if I had said something sooner, or allowed my husband to say something, would things be different now? Would we all be happier? Would I be over feeling like I am the bad child because I asked my parents to choose between allowing my brother to live in their home and taking care of my children in their home? I know, hindsight is 20/20, right?
Oh, about the "painfully normal" diagnosis. My thought is that my brother went in, failed to tell the doctor that he has a history of a drinking problem and instead just told him that he lost his job and chose to get smashed. Well, yeah, being upset about losing a job would be "painfully normal". My brother is the king of being evasive and leaving out important details, such that he spins a situation to be much different/better than it really is.
Thanks again for being here!!
~JSOI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
You're not wrong, but you can't make them do anything (as I found out) You can however lead by example and look after yourself and your own family.
It may be hard at first, it certainly was for me, but stick to it, you need to look after you. And as much as you want to, you can't change anyone but yourself. It gets better with time and acceptance.
It may be hard at first, it certainly was for me, but stick to it, you need to look after you. And as much as you want to, you can't change anyone but yourself. It gets better with time and acceptance.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
Your brother sounds just like mine. Nothing you say to your parents will stop them from enabling him-- if anything it will just drive them to keep things from you/lie to you like my mother did.
My brother was in the hospital for about ten days a couple of weeks ago. I don't know why, but I'm sure it was alcohol related.
I found out on Friday that my mother is also in the hospital. I have been all over the map on this one. I am really angry at her for RUINING her health over him. When we were speaking, she was sucking Xanax like they were M&M's and my AB's well-being was all that mattered to her.
They don't get it and the don't WANT to get it.
My brother was in the hospital for about ten days a couple of weeks ago. I don't know why, but I'm sure it was alcohol related.
I found out on Friday that my mother is also in the hospital. I have been all over the map on this one. I am really angry at her for RUINING her health over him. When we were speaking, she was sucking Xanax like they were M&M's and my AB's well-being was all that mattered to her.
They don't get it and the don't WANT to get it.
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