good_luck

Hey everyone,

So...there are a lot of threads around that deal with people being afraid to be alone, die alone, whatever. I, about a year out of this last big, terrible relationship, am having kind of the opposite problem.

I am happy, peaceful, and so so happy to have my personality back! Living with a crazy person made me a drag. Being in an abusive (substances and me) relationship did terrible things to my mind. Anyway, I missed myself, and have been just kind of hanging out and bonding with my oldest friend...me.

I also have been reconnecting with my friends and family. Not that we ever lost closeness, but I expended all of my generosity on someone who was a vampiric black hole. Now I am distributing it a little more sensibly, instead of just taking from them, and giving to that ________.

Here's the problem: I can't imagine ever wanting to have a real realtionship again. I would much rather be left alone.

I started dating a few months ago, and that's cool. But I am just doing that because I am looking for a regular sex partner. The idea of sex is appealing to me, but the idea of a relationship makes me feel claustrophobic, and totally annoyed.

I am certainly happy, but I also feel like there is a really ice-cold part of me, that is protecting me. And while I am greatful that my instinct for self-preservation has returned, I think I run the risk of going overboard. I certainly am not going to have a meaningful realtionship while my heart is dead set on proving how totally unaffected it can be.

Anyway, does this make sense to anyone? Is it just a phase or am I broken? Or is it the new me? Any input appreciated.

denny57

Today, I would just take out "really ice-cold" from this sentence. Lately I have stopped analyzing every little detail of my life, why I do what I do, am I icy, am I hot, etc.

I am also happy with my life and enjoy dating.

Have a great life!!!!!

justaboutus

Give yourself time. I know my emotions towards relationships have changed drastically in the past year, I bet yours will too.

good_luck

Oooh, I can see how that "ice cold" thing sounds like self-criticism. I didn't mean it that way, or mean to invoke words that are like "frigid."

It just seemed like a natural way to describe this weird instinct that kicks in. Like, I will be hanging out with a date, things going along well, and if he says something overly enthusiastic about me, or our dynamic... I just turn into a super badass in my mind. I think something along the lines of, "that makes sense, I am awesome, but you will not mess up my life, and if you hurt me..."

That is super-crazy! When things get romantic, I turn into a gangster!

LucyA

I've felt like that for a couple of years, I've come to the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, that when 'the right one' turns up things will be different.

lizw

You may want to try googling a term called "Emotional Anorexia".
It is defined by denying oneself love. You may relate or you may not.

There is also sexual and social anorexia.
All of them are as the name implies - the deying oneself of 'fill in the blank'. Just like anorexics deny themselves food.

I have a tendency to display this kind of behaviour after being in a BF/GF type relationship for about 6months/year.....

I thought I had it because of 'them' as in something they did made me feel this way, however in the last year I have had to admit and sit with the fact that while I crave attention from the other sex when they give it to me, I find it painful.

I'm working on smiling and saying thanks or responding in kind.

My other trick is I run off. It's true. Guy compliments me, and I can't wait to get outta there fast enough....

That's why I like emotionally unavail men so much.

:ghug

HopeandPrayer

Here's the problem: I can't imagine ever wanting to have a real realtionship again.

I can totally identify with this statement. I have been so burned by the 2 marriages I have been involved in that I can't imagine at this point in my life ever letting myself "melt" enough to let someone in. I don't wnat to give up my independence and don't want the complications again that any type of relationship might and will add to my life.

It would be nice to have someone to do things with but that is what I have my friends for so who needs the headache!!!!

HopeandPrayer

Here's the problem: I can't imagine ever wanting to have a real realtionship again.
I can totally identify with this statement. I have been so burned by the 2 marriages I have been involved in that I can't imagine at this point in my life ever letting myself "melt" enough to let someone in. I don't wnat to give up my independence and don't want the complications again that any type of relationship might and will add to my life.

It would be nice to have someone to do things with but that is what I have my friends for so who needs the headache!!!![/QUOTE]

HopeandPrayer

sorry was playing around with the advanced settings and didn't mean to post this several times.

lizw

Well just for today, me too. And there is nothing wrong with that unless that it bothers you?

Doesn't bother me, usually.

I mean I'm an alcoholic and sometimes I view my alcoholism as 'I drunk more than my fair share of alcohol so I'm not allowed it anymore' and I now have this attitude when it comes to men. I have certainly had more than my fair share (as a teen I sleep with anyone and everyone) so if I had my life quota of guys in 30 years rather than 60/70/80, then that's fine.

However, at the same time I have to be aware that it takes 2 to have a sicko relationship (it wasn't all just their fault) so while I'm by myself, I should make every effort to get comfortable and honest with myself.

That's how I see it anyway.

good_luck

Well, I think it doesn't bother me at all in the short term, but might in the long term.

I don't feel like I have had my fair share of guys yet, but maybe I'm just greedy...lol. At any rate, I'm not alone -- honestly, I am managing to date (makeout) a reasonable amount. It's just when things start to get a little more serious/personal/relationship-y that I (very quietly) freak out!

Mostly, I am just worried about this sudden (reasonable) association that I have between romantic love and a TON of horrible things. I also think it is pretty unfair of me to pin my awesome new issues on these other guys.

Like, honestly, I am really frustrated that being in an abusive relationship has screwed up the wonderful job that my parents did raising me. Like I have squandered my mental health.

lizw

Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear.

For me I didn't accidently/by accident/just by chance happen to get into abusive relationships. Most of my friends who've been in abusive relationships are the same.....

And there's reasons why I did, mostly ones I wasn't even aware of at them at the time. But since I have been single I've got to take a look at them.

Your wanting to run at the sign of any romantic gesture is a sign that yeah sure you've been hurt, but doesn't actually answer why you got into an abusive relationship in the first place......

Maybe you are a unique case and you did just by accident get into and stay in a abusive relationship, but the odds on are like 1000:1. There's probably something about you/in you that may need some good examination.

NYC_Chick

I'm with you as far as liking being alone. I'm not dating, or even close right this minute to be in that place, and wonder if the new "all about me" person is somehow bad. I've decided I don't care if it's bad. I haven't spent this much time worrying just about me in years. I guess I'll get there when I get there. Everything will happen as it's supposed to, at least that's my feeling.

peaceteach

I understand completely how you feel. I spent years after my divorce with just "me" and, while lonely for sure, it was way better than living with an alcoholic. I am recently seeing someone, totally wasn't looking but he found me anyway, and I do think that my years spent focusing on me have helped me to be ready for this healthy relationship. I wouldn't have trusted myself before, and sure wouldn't have trusted anyone else. I say take all the years you need to heal, both mentally and spiritually. Your HP has you in his arms and knows exactly what you need, and when.

chrisea

I can relate to the peaceful, living like this alone, is sooo much better. If the good guy (the needle in the the haystack guy) shows up, fine. If not, it doesn't get any better than this, by myself. It's been a few yrs now & haven't even wanted to date. Maybe I'm getting like my grandmother. "It's ok when they take you out to the restaurant... but when they hint about a home cooked meal. Well, They got to Go!"

I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days

GiveLove

Oh, yeah baby I used to get all militant too. Only I wasn't smart enough to keep my mouth shut. I would just SAY things like, "I've been through the wringer and I have no intention of doing it again. Ever." Or "If you're not sure you want to be around me, do me a favor: Don't. Waste. My. Time." I LIKED being single, loved my life, and somebody would have to be really something special - I mean, add a lot of benefit to it - to convince me I should change that.

My short term relationships were very short term

But then there was that last one, who smiled, shrugged, and said, "I don't plan on screwing you over any time soon. And if I do, you have my permission to kick my a$$ from here to the next county."

I'll be darned if that one isn't still around.

Be as tough as you need to be, good_luck. You've been through a lot and you need to do whatever you're doing in order to flex those self-protection muscles. Be open to wherever your heart takes you....this life thing is a pretty wild ride.

good_luck

Thank you all so very much. GiveLove, thank you especially. This was exactly what I needed to hear:

Previous to my last relationship, I had a very open heart. I was innocent in a lot of ways, and had the good fortune to be sheltered from a lot of life's ugliness. I guess I was just wondering if that was really gone, and fretting over the fact that I had somehow allowed myself to be hardened.

But what you wrote rings true to me. I did need to learn to protect myself as fiercely as I would protect any of the people that I love. Maybe right now I am just a little overboard with it, a little "militant," but lord knows I need the practice!

I guess that what I needed to hear is that the right person will be patient with me, and want me to be safe just as much as I do.

good_luck

Heh.

Well, I try to keep it quiet, but I have totally been saying things like this. I must not feel too bad about though, because I am giggling remembering some of the things that I have said to the poor saps that have tried to hit on me in the past year.

I've calmed down a lot, but initially I was so mad that anyone would want to date me when I was a wreck (past tense) and convinced that they had some kind of radar that sensed my weakend state that I would flat-out call them vultures and then proceed to lecture them on finding broken women attractive, wanting to rescue people, and how dysfunctional that was.

My New Year's Resolution was pretty much "stop being a maniac."

peaceteach

Yep, GiveLove, I agree. In fact, I somewhat encourage the "militant" lifestyle in the beginning for people like me, and like Good Luck. Big old softie, lovey hearts worn on the sleeve can get awfully hurt; trust can be so shattered. I definitely was in self-protection mode, and my heart was ENCASED with resolve. In a relationship now (finally!) I find myself melting out slowly and with some resistance, even though I really have nothing to base that resistance on with this man. One minute I will be laughing hard, the next just crying and extremely emotional. My gynecologist says it is just that: thawing out after a long time of holding myself in a state of self-protection. Some days I don't even know myself! Again, the years of keeping myself out of the game have definitely paid off in regards to handling the up-down emotions of falling in love again. My guy has looked me straight in the eye and said "I will not hurt you. I promise" and so far, I do believe that. Still, one day at a time keeps me sane during this exciting, hopeful stage in my life, when I can remember to fall back on that "slogan." A great approach to most of life's experiences, I believe. That, and trusting your gut, something else I learned how to recognize in my years "off" of love.

Barbara52

I find that working on my emotional me is what is hardest for me. ANd that's ok. Now that I am gaining awareness of all the negative forces that shaped me as a child, I am ok with the fact that I have damage to undo. I am aware that I do not feel emotions, most emotions, the same way as folks who were not raised in an alcoholic family. Many emotions are stunted I guess is a good way to desribe it and some emotions are too easy to feel. For me, the positive emotions are the stunted ones. I never learned how to love, enjoy, hope, etc. in a "normal" way. So I am learning. I figure my current need to exclude the possiblity of a new romantic relationship is jsut where I need to be as I go through this next part of healing my soul. Its not goign to be easy, but it will be worth it. This I know even though I don't see how I will get there yet.