Separation Anxiety
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Separation Anxiety
Hi all,
I told you I would posting alot of threads as the impending Sept. 7th date approaches. I am having a range of different emotions that I need to put into prespective.
I had a sudden realization this morning that this weekend we would be living together. I am feeling an anxiety that I can only catagorize as separation anxiety. I also have these feelings of fear and doubt. I think I am in some kind of denial here.
The AH is trying to get on SSI, and yesterday, my mother who works for a doctor's office called to say they finally got the records from his hospital stay (when he attempted suicide in July), so the lawyer could have them. These were requested weeks earlier before moving out conversation took place. Right in the records it said right there that his girlfriend made the 911 call. They had an argument at 6am and he fell asleep, and she could rouse him at noon. She accompanied him to the hospital. Last night, I had a codie moment and listened to his voice mail...his girlfriends roommate left a message about not having her name dragged through the mud while they were arguing....
Sooo all these things are here in my face and it is plain that he is making these choices...intentionally hurting me....or not caring....STILL I want to rationalize...it feels like if he was "himself" he wouldn't do this, or that he has no choice but to continue because he thinks the marriage is over.
I know that this is all totally crap, of course.
Are these emotions part of the process? Has anyone had similar experiences? I can't go back now, but I am afraid to go on!
I told you I would posting alot of threads as the impending Sept. 7th date approaches. I am having a range of different emotions that I need to put into prespective.
I had a sudden realization this morning that this weekend we would be living together. I am feeling an anxiety that I can only catagorize as separation anxiety. I also have these feelings of fear and doubt. I think I am in some kind of denial here.
The AH is trying to get on SSI, and yesterday, my mother who works for a doctor's office called to say they finally got the records from his hospital stay (when he attempted suicide in July), so the lawyer could have them. These were requested weeks earlier before moving out conversation took place. Right in the records it said right there that his girlfriend made the 911 call. They had an argument at 6am and he fell asleep, and she could rouse him at noon. She accompanied him to the hospital. Last night, I had a codie moment and listened to his voice mail...his girlfriends roommate left a message about not having her name dragged through the mud while they were arguing....
Sooo all these things are here in my face and it is plain that he is making these choices...intentionally hurting me....or not caring....STILL I want to rationalize...it feels like if he was "himself" he wouldn't do this, or that he has no choice but to continue because he thinks the marriage is over.
I know that this is all totally crap, of course.
Are these emotions part of the process? Has anyone had similar experiences? I can't go back now, but I am afraid to go on!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Change is difficult. Always. Even when we know it's what is best for us. Accept that you will be going through all sorts of emotions for quite some time to come. And when you start doubting yourself, play the tape all the way through. Yes, its has been awful and yes you do deserve a better life. He can improve his own life all on his own if he chooses to do so.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I've had these feelings too, silverberry. "He's not himself, he's not well, that's why he's such an abusive, lying, helpless, slacker jackhole"
Like B-52 says, all change is hard, even change that will save our lives. When someone is diagnosed with heart disease or cancer, they have to make some major lifestyle changes that are absolutely miserable, that take a lot of the "fun" out of life, and even make them suffer withdrawal symptoms...and yet they must make them if they're going to survive.
This is what you're going through. The calm, clear voice that's inside you, the one that knows what's best for you, has to separate from your panicked self and take over the decision-making process while you're in this tough spot.
Picture this: Your A and you are floating in the water. The boat has gone down because he drove it into a pile of rocks. You are trying to help him get to shore, which is not very far away. You tug him, try to buddy-swim him there, but he keeps pulling away, claiming that he wants to drown. He says, "I can't help it. I'm not myself. Life sucks. Where's my beer?" and refuses to swim.
Do you stay out there and drown with him out of loyalty? Do you let him hold your arms and take you down with him, because the one man in the water is so much better for you than the 3 billion men on the shore? Or do you save your own life and pray that his own Higher Power protects him?
He is making his own choices not to get help. His deadly "freedom" -- freedom from people who want to help him get well -- might kill him. Are you also going to let it kill you?
Hugs to you in this difficult and confusing time. FORCE yourself to take steps to be with healthy people, people you love, doing things you love, and send his HP a prayer to take care of him. You aren't God enough to save him, but you can save yourself.
Like B-52 says, all change is hard, even change that will save our lives. When someone is diagnosed with heart disease or cancer, they have to make some major lifestyle changes that are absolutely miserable, that take a lot of the "fun" out of life, and even make them suffer withdrawal symptoms...and yet they must make them if they're going to survive.
This is what you're going through. The calm, clear voice that's inside you, the one that knows what's best for you, has to separate from your panicked self and take over the decision-making process while you're in this tough spot.
Picture this: Your A and you are floating in the water. The boat has gone down because he drove it into a pile of rocks. You are trying to help him get to shore, which is not very far away. You tug him, try to buddy-swim him there, but he keeps pulling away, claiming that he wants to drown. He says, "I can't help it. I'm not myself. Life sucks. Where's my beer?" and refuses to swim.
Do you stay out there and drown with him out of loyalty? Do you let him hold your arms and take you down with him, because the one man in the water is so much better for you than the 3 billion men on the shore? Or do you save your own life and pray that his own Higher Power protects him?
He is making his own choices not to get help. His deadly "freedom" -- freedom from people who want to help him get well -- might kill him. Are you also going to let it kill you?
Hugs to you in this difficult and confusing time. FORCE yourself to take steps to be with healthy people, people you love, doing things you love, and send his HP a prayer to take care of him. You aren't God enough to save him, but you can save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
That's a great analogy Givelove - one that I really need to hear today, thank you.
Silverberry, I think you and I must be partners on a very similar journey, I've already left my AH and it seems you are right behind me. I've had similar thoughts this morning and it's hard to let it go. I'm trying though. Keeping busy here at work and posting on SR. Plus I made an appointment to have my hair highlighted and cut. I haven't been able to afford it these past few months. With only a few weeks of not having AH around, I have money! What a lovely surprise that is.
Let's stay tough together and support each other, we will get thru this and be much happier, stronger, independent women.
K.
Silverberry, I think you and I must be partners on a very similar journey, I've already left my AH and it seems you are right behind me. I've had similar thoughts this morning and it's hard to let it go. I'm trying though. Keeping busy here at work and posting on SR. Plus I made an appointment to have my hair highlighted and cut. I haven't been able to afford it these past few months. With only a few weeks of not having AH around, I have money! What a lovely surprise that is.
Let's stay tough together and support each other, we will get thru this and be much happier, stronger, independent women.
K.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
GiveLove, That “deadly freedom” really hit with me. That’s my ah’s line all the time. He wants his freedom. Not from me, but the freedom to do what he wants when he wants; he feels he‘s entitled to it. It is certainly deadly.
"He's not himself, he's not well, that's why he's such an abusive, lying, helpless, slacker jackhole"
Nailed it! He’s NOT well, but *I* can’t make him well. Only he can do that. All I can do is decide if I want to be with an abusive, lying, helpless, slacker jackhole, regardless of the reason he is that way.
Silverberry, stay strong. Your posts are helping me to prepare for what may lie ahead in my future. He’s not himself, and there’s nothing you can do about that. He has many choices, even though they’re not the ones you’d like to see him make.
(((((hugs)))))
juju
"He's not himself, he's not well, that's why he's such an abusive, lying, helpless, slacker jackhole"
Nailed it! He’s NOT well, but *I* can’t make him well. Only he can do that. All I can do is decide if I want to be with an abusive, lying, helpless, slacker jackhole, regardless of the reason he is that way.
Silverberry, stay strong. Your posts are helping me to prepare for what may lie ahead in my future. He’s not himself, and there’s nothing you can do about that. He has many choices, even though they’re not the ones you’d like to see him make.
(((((hugs)))))
juju
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Thanks for the support! K---I am with you girl! GiveLove--thanks for the analogy. His freedom is actually his own prison. The other night when he was telling me he didn't have anywhere to go...I mentioned recovery (no--loss of freedom)...then I said, rent a room...(no---don't want to live with anyone)...I said boy, for someone who has no where to go, you sure are picky. These manipulations are easy to see...I find myself as part of the problem with letting go. It is like I am arguing with myself...part of me wants to hang on...to what? I don't know. I constantly have to convince myself he has not changed and that he is still leading his double life. I always wonder if something has changed...at this point, I am more afraid of ME and MY behavior than his....He is the predictable one.
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by denny57 
I would be very cautious about telling anyone his medical records were disclosed to me.
I understand your hurt; I survived it and I believe you will, too.
I understand your hurt; I survived it and I believe you will, too.
Also thank you and all of you for your encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
Thank you for the warning. I appreciate that. I am very curious about why you say that. He signed a consent form allow us to retreive them, and I figured it is confidential since we are all anonymous here. However, you may have more expertise in this area than I do...I am a newbie
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
This thread has reminded me of something I heard in an aa meeting once.
It was said by a recovering alcoholic who tended to 'rescue' new aa members, rather than offer them support.
After the guys 'latest attempt' to get someone sober, an aa friend says to him, 'You haven't got a flashing red light on your head do you?"
Guy, confused, says, 'No, why?'
Friend says, 'What makes you think your a friggin ambulance then?'
It is something I will never forget.
And I relate to what your saying/feeling Silverberry. All the feelings you described aborted my many attempts to leave sick relationships. I couldn't stand the way I was feeling so would get back together with the guy. I didn't have a clue how to 'ride it out' as feelings do pass. I always looked for the quick fix to stop the pain. Then of course I'd end up trying to break up with him again. Then we'd get back together. It's a awful circle of despair and misery.
So remember your doing good!
Give yourself a pat on the back. You're a legend.
It was said by a recovering alcoholic who tended to 'rescue' new aa members, rather than offer them support.
After the guys 'latest attempt' to get someone sober, an aa friend says to him, 'You haven't got a flashing red light on your head do you?"
Guy, confused, says, 'No, why?'
Friend says, 'What makes you think your a friggin ambulance then?'
It is something I will never forget. And I relate to what your saying/feeling Silverberry. All the feelings you described aborted my many attempts to leave sick relationships. I couldn't stand the way I was feeling so would get back together with the guy. I didn't have a clue how to 'ride it out' as feelings do pass. I always looked for the quick fix to stop the pain. Then of course I'd end up trying to break up with him again. Then we'd get back together. It's a awful circle of despair and misery.
So remember your doing good!
Give yourself a pat on the back. You're a legend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by lizw
After the guys 'latest attempt' to get someone sober, an aa friend says to him, 'You haven't got a flashing red light on your head do you?"
Guy, confused, says, 'No, why?'
Friend says, 'What makes you think your a friggin ambulance then?'
Guy, confused, says, 'No, why?'
Friend says, 'What makes you think your a friggin ambulance then?'
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
I love that too!
And just as a little update for all... Guess who must of made up with his girlfriend, and didn't come home last night? Yup!
I came home from school at 10:30pm after class, and found his space empty. Must have been gone for hours because the house was dark, and kitties were crying to be fed. UNBELIEVABLE!....well, not really, but still...
For heaven sake, I can't believe I feel for this again with him! He gets me and the man doesn't even follow through on his manipulations! I was almost grateful for him not coming home...it is just another reminder that he is JUST FINE without me. He certainly isn't lonely. DUH!
And just as a little update for all... Guess who must of made up with his girlfriend, and didn't come home last night? Yup!
I came home from school at 10:30pm after class, and found his space empty. Must have been gone for hours because the house was dark, and kitties were crying to be fed. UNBELIEVABLE!....well, not really, but still...
For heaven sake, I can't believe I feel for this again with him! He gets me and the man doesn't even follow through on his manipulations! I was almost grateful for him not coming home...it is just another reminder that he is JUST FINE without me. He certainly isn't lonely. DUH!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
He needs a victim/enabler, silverberry. I know this hurts, but I'm glad he's found one and I'm glad it's not you.
Hugs to you so you can start rebuilding your happiness soon.
Does your library have a copy of "The Joy Diet:Ten Practices for a Happier Life" by Martha Beck, on tape/disc, that you can borrow and listen to in the car? I remember how much that helped me -- I don't have any words strong enough to tell you how much it helped -- and I still go through it about every other year or so.
Hugs to you. You're working so hard to be happy.
Hugs to you so you can start rebuilding your happiness soon.
Does your library have a copy of "The Joy Diet:Ten Practices for a Happier Life" by Martha Beck, on tape/disc, that you can borrow and listen to in the car? I remember how much that helped me -- I don't have any words strong enough to tell you how much it helped -- and I still go through it about every other year or so.
Hugs to you. You're working so hard to be happy.
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by theotherone
These are the little reminders I need to keep me going in the right direction...this is the only way I can depend on the A in my life...he always come through!
GiveLove said: He needs a victim/enabler, silverberry. I know this hurts, but I'm glad he's found one and I'm glad it's not you.
Hugs to you so you can start rebuilding your happiness soon.
Does your library have a copy of "The Joy Diet:Ten Practices for a Happier Life" by Martha Beck, on tape/disc, that you can borrow and listen to in the car? I remember how much that helped me -- I don't have any words strong enough to tell you how much it helped -- and I still go through it about every other year or so.
Hugs to you. You're working so hard to be happy.
I am glad too that he has found someone else also. Never thought I would say that. This is part of the reason why I haven't been so crazy about the OW. I saw it like a get out of jail free card. I am going to look for the book you speak of....I need any kind of material that is going to promote healthy thoughts and serenity for me. I can't WAIT for this to be over, and I can start journeying towards self discovery on a full time basis!
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