AH about to be committed again...need support!
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
AH about to be committed again...need support!
I am in the middle of a major crisis!!!!
I need some help and support!
My AH went to the psychatrist this morning after a long weekend of laying in bed, pill popping, etc. The doctor just called me and said that my husband is in the middle of a crisis and recommends that he be admitted to a hospital immediately. He asked me several questions about my husband's condition, which I answered. He also said that my husband needs a place to live while during this crisis. He also suggested that he and I get counseling together. I explained to the doctor that I told my husband he had until September 7th to move out...he was drinking, drugging, and had friends including another woman on the side, and that we have tried counseling and it didn't work. I was at my wits end.
Of course in light of my husband's suicidal tendencies, the doctor said that at the moment, this was a crisis and it had to be addressed immediately. Basically, (from my perception) that all that could wait...
I am so upset! On the one hand, I want to run and be with my husband. I want to love him and take care of him....This is completely killing me! My conversation with the doctor made me feel as if I was being selfish and not concerned with my husband's well being. Of course, I would be devastated if he harmed himself. I also feel like a horrible person because I was addressing the issue of him moving out and not staying with me and ending our marriage when he is about to be committed to an institution. I thought to myself, "well, I am not going to just drop everything. I have my job...school starts today...I am tired of spending money I don't have..." All I could think about was not getting involved.
I am in tears all over again. Am I being cruel and heartless? My heart is just crumbling right now, and I don't know how to respond and act to this situation.
I need some help and support!
My AH went to the psychatrist this morning after a long weekend of laying in bed, pill popping, etc. The doctor just called me and said that my husband is in the middle of a crisis and recommends that he be admitted to a hospital immediately. He asked me several questions about my husband's condition, which I answered. He also said that my husband needs a place to live while during this crisis. He also suggested that he and I get counseling together. I explained to the doctor that I told my husband he had until September 7th to move out...he was drinking, drugging, and had friends including another woman on the side, and that we have tried counseling and it didn't work. I was at my wits end.
Of course in light of my husband's suicidal tendencies, the doctor said that at the moment, this was a crisis and it had to be addressed immediately. Basically, (from my perception) that all that could wait...
I am so upset! On the one hand, I want to run and be with my husband. I want to love him and take care of him....This is completely killing me! My conversation with the doctor made me feel as if I was being selfish and not concerned with my husband's well being. Of course, I would be devastated if he harmed himself. I also feel like a horrible person because I was addressing the issue of him moving out and not staying with me and ending our marriage when he is about to be committed to an institution. I thought to myself, "well, I am not going to just drop everything. I have my job...school starts today...I am tired of spending money I don't have..." All I could think about was not getting involved.
I am in tears all over again. Am I being cruel and heartless? My heart is just crumbling right now, and I don't know how to respond and act to this situation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Breathe! This is not your crisis. It is your AH's crisis and he is right where he needs to be.
From my experience, a patient hospitalized because they are evaluated as a risk to themself is most often not allowed visitors, is kept isolated because that is what is best for them.
Let the future unfold as it will. You cannot change what happens.
From my experience, a patient hospitalized because they are evaluated as a risk to themself is most often not allowed visitors, is kept isolated because that is what is best for them.
Let the future unfold as it will. You cannot change what happens.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
I am sorry that you are going thruough all of this. I think that you need to seperate and address the issues.
The first is that your husband is in a safe place where he can get the help he needs, and his doctor recommends hospitalization, so be it.
Then you need to continue to do the things you need to take care of yourself. I think that you can still care for him while remaining detached and sticking to the goals you have set for yourself and the boundaries you have set for him. His crisis may or may not be an attempt to get you to change your mind about him moving out, I really am not qualified to answer that. I just know that if you set a clear goal and boundary for him to move because he has crossed all the lines and did not get with the program in the past. Did the doctor mean that he should stay with you though his present crisis? Perhaps him going from the hospital to another living arrangement at some kind of rehab or half-way house would be the best for everyone, so long as the responsibility for that falls squarely and cleary in your AH's lap, and he and his doctor are aware of it.
The first is that your husband is in a safe place where he can get the help he needs, and his doctor recommends hospitalization, so be it.
Then you need to continue to do the things you need to take care of yourself. I think that you can still care for him while remaining detached and sticking to the goals you have set for yourself and the boundaries you have set for him. His crisis may or may not be an attempt to get you to change your mind about him moving out, I really am not qualified to answer that. I just know that if you set a clear goal and boundary for him to move because he has crossed all the lines and did not get with the program in the past. Did the doctor mean that he should stay with you though his present crisis? Perhaps him going from the hospital to another living arrangement at some kind of rehab or half-way house would be the best for everyone, so long as the responsibility for that falls squarely and cleary in your AH's lap, and he and his doctor are aware of it.
Last edited by BohemiMamaof3; 08-25-2008 at 09:55 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
We’re here for you!! Take a minute to think, don’t react instantly.
My ah and I tried counseling twice. Each time, he would be loving it at first, thinking it was the greatest thing. Then, the dr would want to see me, to hear “my side”. Let’s just say ah didn’t always paint an accurate picture, and as soon as “my side” was out there, he didn’t want to go anymore. My point being, who knows what has been said between those two, and, frankly, who cares?
Don’t let this stranger give you guilt, no matter what his title is. I’m sorry you’re going through this pain right now, but see it for what it is - another chapter in his “All About Me” book. The deadline is nearing, and with no other prospects, who better than a “professional” to argue his case with you?? “She won’t listen to me, but maybe she’ll listen to dr. so-and-so...”
Take care of you. Act, don’t react.
(((((hugs)))))
juju
My ah and I tried counseling twice. Each time, he would be loving it at first, thinking it was the greatest thing. Then, the dr would want to see me, to hear “my side”. Let’s just say ah didn’t always paint an accurate picture, and as soon as “my side” was out there, he didn’t want to go anymore. My point being, who knows what has been said between those two, and, frankly, who cares?
Don’t let this stranger give you guilt, no matter what his title is. I’m sorry you’re going through this pain right now, but see it for what it is - another chapter in his “All About Me” book. The deadline is nearing, and with no other prospects, who better than a “professional” to argue his case with you?? “She won’t listen to me, but maybe she’ll listen to dr. so-and-so...”
Take care of you. Act, don’t react.
(((((hugs)))))
juju
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Silver--
That doctor was only coming at you with the info he had in front of him- your AH. he does not know your history.
You have given your AH multiple chances to get help without going into crisis. You have offered to support him in the past and yet, he made his choices. It has come to a crisis now because of him- not you, and one day IF he finds recovery he may see that. Right now he is desperate and will do anything. He will enlist the sympathies of the doctor, anyone who will listen and support his version.
If you really want to help him I think you must stay strong and let this be HIS crisis.
You have to protect YOUR own mental health. That is not selfish. That is sane. Believe it!
ditto B-52 Let the future unfold as it will. You cannot change what happens.
Silver this guy:
after a long weekend of laying in bed, pill popping, etc.
needs way way more help than you could ever give him! He does not need to live with YOU to get better -- he's been living with you and had multiple chances - EVERY DAY - to choose recovery for himself.
ditto bohemimama:
Perhaps him going from the hospital to another living arrangement at some kind of rehab or half-way house would be the best for everyone, so long as the responsibility for that falls squarely and cleary in your AH's lap
It is just too big for anyone but him to tackle with the help of professionals. Let yourself off the hook. You can be supportive without being involved or taking responsibility...You could pray for him, or you could send him an encouraging note...
Stay strong Silver - no one knows more about how this all shook down than you - so don't let the new doc on the scene intimidate you into forgetting how this all came about and why.
Peace-
B.
That doctor was only coming at you with the info he had in front of him- your AH. he does not know your history.
You have given your AH multiple chances to get help without going into crisis. You have offered to support him in the past and yet, he made his choices. It has come to a crisis now because of him- not you, and one day IF he finds recovery he may see that. Right now he is desperate and will do anything. He will enlist the sympathies of the doctor, anyone who will listen and support his version.
If you really want to help him I think you must stay strong and let this be HIS crisis.
You have to protect YOUR own mental health. That is not selfish. That is sane. Believe it!
ditto B-52 Let the future unfold as it will. You cannot change what happens.
Silver this guy:
after a long weekend of laying in bed, pill popping, etc.
needs way way more help than you could ever give him! He does not need to live with YOU to get better -- he's been living with you and had multiple chances - EVERY DAY - to choose recovery for himself.
ditto bohemimama:
Perhaps him going from the hospital to another living arrangement at some kind of rehab or half-way house would be the best for everyone, so long as the responsibility for that falls squarely and cleary in your AH's lap
It is just too big for anyone but him to tackle with the help of professionals. Let yourself off the hook. You can be supportive without being involved or taking responsibility...You could pray for him, or you could send him an encouraging note...
Stay strong Silver - no one knows more about how this all shook down than you - so don't let the new doc on the scene intimidate you into forgetting how this all came about and why.
Peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sending you hugs, silver.
Take deep breaths. Remember why you're doing this - because your life has become unmanageable and you're strong enough to make changes to save your own life.
Lots of good advice above:
1) If he is in a medical crisis, he belongs in a hospital. Why is the doctor saying YOU need to be his doctor?
2) The doctor needs to listen to you, and you need to speak to him clearly: The doctor can be told that he needs to go from the hospital to a rehab or detox or other professional facility. Your home is not the only option and IS NOT EVEN THE BEST OPTION. This is a medical doctor, and is not qualified or justified in making the statements he did.
(interruption here: are you sure it was a psychiatrist who you spoke to? I get a very suspicious feeling about all of this, especially the timing of it. And did he give you any specific instructions on getting your husband into a hospital?? Seems VERY odd to me.)
3) What happened the last time he was committed? Can the same thing happen?
Breathe. You cannot entertain the fantasy of the husband you want, being his savior, etc. at this point....you have to deal with what's in front of you, and what's in front of you wants to destroy everything you're working so hard to do for yourself, so addiction can continue to wreck you. Love yourself more than you love the fantasy.
It is possible to be compassionate, logical, AND self-protective in this situation.
Breathe some more. Keep posting here, we're listening. Everything's going to be okay.
Take deep breaths. Remember why you're doing this - because your life has become unmanageable and you're strong enough to make changes to save your own life.
Lots of good advice above:
1) If he is in a medical crisis, he belongs in a hospital. Why is the doctor saying YOU need to be his doctor?
2) The doctor needs to listen to you, and you need to speak to him clearly: The doctor can be told that he needs to go from the hospital to a rehab or detox or other professional facility. Your home is not the only option and IS NOT EVEN THE BEST OPTION. This is a medical doctor, and is not qualified or justified in making the statements he did.
(interruption here: are you sure it was a psychiatrist who you spoke to? I get a very suspicious feeling about all of this, especially the timing of it. And did he give you any specific instructions on getting your husband into a hospital?? Seems VERY odd to me.)
3) What happened the last time he was committed? Can the same thing happen?
Breathe. You cannot entertain the fantasy of the husband you want, being his savior, etc. at this point....you have to deal with what's in front of you, and what's in front of you wants to destroy everything you're working so hard to do for yourself, so addiction can continue to wreck you. Love yourself more than you love the fantasy.
It is possible to be compassionate, logical, AND self-protective in this situation.
Breathe some more. Keep posting here, we're listening. Everything's going to be okay.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
IMO your AH is creating a crisis to prevent you from kicking him out. As others have pointed out if he is committed to psychiatric care he will have a place to stay. Just because his Dr is a psychiatrist does not mean he understands addiction. Telling you to go to counseling with an active addict is just wrong IMO. I too am suspicous about the timing of this sudden crisis.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
When I first read your post my first thought was oh what a MANIPULATION. My second thought was to tell the doctor to go suck lemons. My third thought was if the "Doctor" has the audacity to dare to call back, quietly in a very low monotone voice tell him, that AH being at homes hasn't worked before and you WILL NOT try it again.
Let them commit them. Then he is watched and cannot hurt himself. When it's time for them to release him, make sure all of his things are packed and in the garage or on the front porch and say, "your things are ready for you when you find a place, you ARE NOT coming back here."
End of manipulation. And if there are real psychiatric problems then he will be in the system and probably be transferred to a half way house where there is still supervision.
Silver you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You have done your best in this whole mess and now YOU and THE CHILDREN MUST COME FIRST.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Let them commit them. Then he is watched and cannot hurt himself. When it's time for them to release him, make sure all of his things are packed and in the garage or on the front porch and say, "your things are ready for you when you find a place, you ARE NOT coming back here."
End of manipulation. And if there are real psychiatric problems then he will be in the system and probably be transferred to a half way house where there is still supervision.
Silver you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You have done your best in this whole mess and now YOU and THE CHILDREN MUST COME FIRST.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by hadenoughnow 
IMO your AH is creating a crisis to prevent you from kicking him out. As others have pointed out if he is committed to psychiatric care he will have a place to stay. Just because his Dr is a psychiatrist does not mean he understands addiction. Telling you to go to counseling with an active addict is just wrong IMO. I too am suspicous about the timing of this sudden crisis.
Do what you need to do for you! :ghug3
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Breathing right now would be good, as someone else suggested.
Take it easy too.
Doctors go on what is told to them and right now, it sounds like your husband needs medical assistance and (unless I've missed something) your not a provider of 'medical assistance'.
I believe he probably is in crisis, it's a bit of a reality shock when we stand back so our A's can take responsibilty for themselves. And obviously his way of doing this is to find someone else to look after him....the good doctor.
No offence to anyone but the amount of manipulation that people who are mentally ill pull, is outrageous too. Probably more so than a plain old alcoholic.
I wouldn't take him back but if I did it would be to the 7th, as you specified. I would also not engage in any form of counselling till he moved out too.
You gotta take care of you - no one else will!
The videos shown on planes about how to deal with the plane crash say FIT YOUR OWN BREATHING MASK FIRST.
Take it easy too.
Doctors go on what is told to them and right now, it sounds like your husband needs medical assistance and (unless I've missed something) your not a provider of 'medical assistance'.
I believe he probably is in crisis, it's a bit of a reality shock when we stand back so our A's can take responsibilty for themselves. And obviously his way of doing this is to find someone else to look after him....the good doctor.
No offence to anyone but the amount of manipulation that people who are mentally ill pull, is outrageous too. Probably more so than a plain old alcoholic.
I wouldn't take him back but if I did it would be to the 7th, as you specified. I would also not engage in any form of counselling till he moved out too.
You gotta take care of you - no one else will!
The videos shown on planes about how to deal with the plane crash say FIT YOUR OWN BREATHING MASK FIRST.
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Thanks to all for answering.
Background for those who asked. The AH was forcibly committed back in July for a suicide attempt. This attempt at suicide was down in the Florida Keys after a weekend of partying while I was out of town. He was with the OW. The ambulance was called, and he stated that he took all is pain medication to kill himself. They Backer-Acted him.
Now for the update...The rest of yesterday was truly awful.
First, I had to go to school after that horrible phone call. Then my girlfriend (another codie) called me in a panic telling me that my AH called her, and was talking suicide. He also said that I turned his family against him, and come the 7th he wasn't leaving...it was his legal right to stay. so on and so on. I told my girlfriend that he had every opportunity to get help today and he refused...she said she tried to talk to him, but the point was moot...He wasn't hearing it.
I came home in the afternoon, and he was there. Of course, he didn't want to go to treatment facility (which sounds like it would treat depression more than substance abuse). The place he was going to go to was a place he was in 10 years earlier. Anyway, he didn't want to go and "lose his freedom." He also said he would be in the same boat (meaning no place to live after) if he went in.
I told him that he would get assistance....halfway houses etc. He still said no. The doctor called again to ask him to reconsider. He again said no, and spent a while looking out the window to see if they were coming to take him away. He is coming down off his pills and has none left, so he is withdrawing. He alternated between crying and saying that no one loves him and he has been abandoned by his family....then he was angry because his father was abusive to him all his life and exposed him to alcoholism. Part of me just wanted to hold him and love him, but I restrained.
Then he went to bed, but came out later and asked if he could stay with me until he got his SSI...I told him that I didn't want to discuss that right now. He went back into bed, and then announced when I came in later to see how he was feeling that he would kick the pills, pack and be out of my hair. He asked if he could take a blanket because it gets cold in the Winter, so on and so forth.
My heart was breaking at this point, but I decided not to say anything more for fear that I would crack and let him stay...Then the cherry on top was...the phone rings at 10pm...it was the OW...when I picked up the phone, she said, "Tell your husband that he lied to my roommates and we are soo done with him." Under normal circumstances I would have had a mouthful to say to her, but I just said, "Stop calling my house." and hung up.
Then he came out and apologized...claimed that she was trying to get him trouble because he told her to buzz off. He said he was sorry that I had to go through that. I was just so exhausted both mentally and physically that I feel asleep on the couch.
Last night there was a series of little codie moments, but none that compromised my decision to make him leave. I did have one bad codie moment this morning. I broke down and emailed his father asking if he would reconsider letting him stay. I don't expect to hear back....I know bad...
Sigh...I am so exhausted...I am so sad...
Background for those who asked. The AH was forcibly committed back in July for a suicide attempt. This attempt at suicide was down in the Florida Keys after a weekend of partying while I was out of town. He was with the OW. The ambulance was called, and he stated that he took all is pain medication to kill himself. They Backer-Acted him.
Now for the update...The rest of yesterday was truly awful.
First, I had to go to school after that horrible phone call. Then my girlfriend (another codie) called me in a panic telling me that my AH called her, and was talking suicide. He also said that I turned his family against him, and come the 7th he wasn't leaving...it was his legal right to stay. so on and so on. I told my girlfriend that he had every opportunity to get help today and he refused...she said she tried to talk to him, but the point was moot...He wasn't hearing it.
I came home in the afternoon, and he was there. Of course, he didn't want to go to treatment facility (which sounds like it would treat depression more than substance abuse). The place he was going to go to was a place he was in 10 years earlier. Anyway, he didn't want to go and "lose his freedom." He also said he would be in the same boat (meaning no place to live after) if he went in.
I told him that he would get assistance....halfway houses etc. He still said no. The doctor called again to ask him to reconsider. He again said no, and spent a while looking out the window to see if they were coming to take him away. He is coming down off his pills and has none left, so he is withdrawing. He alternated between crying and saying that no one loves him and he has been abandoned by his family....then he was angry because his father was abusive to him all his life and exposed him to alcoholism. Part of me just wanted to hold him and love him, but I restrained.
Then he went to bed, but came out later and asked if he could stay with me until he got his SSI...I told him that I didn't want to discuss that right now. He went back into bed, and then announced when I came in later to see how he was feeling that he would kick the pills, pack and be out of my hair. He asked if he could take a blanket because it gets cold in the Winter, so on and so forth.
My heart was breaking at this point, but I decided not to say anything more for fear that I would crack and let him stay...Then the cherry on top was...the phone rings at 10pm...it was the OW...when I picked up the phone, she said, "Tell your husband that he lied to my roommates and we are soo done with him." Under normal circumstances I would have had a mouthful to say to her, but I just said, "Stop calling my house." and hung up.
Then he came out and apologized...claimed that she was trying to get him trouble because he told her to buzz off. He said he was sorry that I had to go through that. I was just so exhausted both mentally and physically that I feel asleep on the couch.
Last night there was a series of little codie moments, but none that compromised my decision to make him leave. I did have one bad codie moment this morning. I broke down and emailed his father asking if he would reconsider letting him stay. I don't expect to hear back....I know bad...
Sigh...I am so exhausted...I am so sad...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry for all the drama he is inflicting on you. It does seem to boil down to manipulation as I see it. Your deadline is fast approaching, he's done nothing to take care of himself (something he can do you know) and is getting desperate to get you to continue letting him live the way he has been.
So what do you plan to do when he doesn't move out on the 7th? He doesn't seem to be headed that way willingly. So the ball is in your court to figure out what you want to do. Figure out plan B C and D.
So what do you plan to do when he doesn't move out on the 7th? He doesn't seem to be headed that way willingly. So the ball is in your court to figure out what you want to do. Figure out plan B C and D.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
You are absolutely doing a remarkable job of maintaining your position in allllll the drama that is being thrown at you. I know it's terribly difficult, but you're doing it. He and the OW are acting out, but you're remaining calm. Way to go. If he got admitted this time and you stayed, that would mean it works and he'd do it the next time and the next time. You are not responsible for him. You have to save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I'm so sorry you are going through this- it is all manipulation from where I stand. IMHO threatening to commit suicide is the worst form of manipulation imaginable. You seem to be doing a good job of holding yourself together, but I hope you will think about what you will do if he doesn't leave by the 7th. It doesn't sound like he's going to do it. He's an adult. He should take care of himself- and he is capable- he's just not doing it. Take care- get out and try to enjoy your friends, family, yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
My ex insisted he wasn't leaving either, I filed to get a restraining order and was given 21 days to ask for a hearing (I had an attorney but the courthouse usually has a domestic violence advocate to help you wiht the paperwork). That convinced my exah to leave. He may have the "legal right" to stay but YOU have the "legal right" NOT live with a crazy pill popper.
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