Silverberry1331

Honestly, I have no idea. I find this so overwhelming. I didn't think he would actually do this, so I never gave it a second thought. Does anyone have any suggestions? I know a restraining order is one, but any others?

This is such a nightmare...

I cancelled my appointment with the kooky counselor. I was suppose to go tonight, but I think she will make it worse. Perhaps I need to go to an Al-Anon meeting instead.

Barbara52

My best advice is consult with an attorney and find out your options. Then you can pick which is best for you.

Silverberry1331

Thanks B-52...

How much damage do you suppose I did by emailing his father about reconsidering his stance on AH coming to live with him? I realize that this is just old behavior. Do you think this makes a substantial negative impact on the situation or in my recovery....J I Y H O because I realize you are not a professional, but certainly many of you are alot further in your codie recovery than me.

Barbara52

Don't worry about the email. It is what it is. You can't change the past. You can only work on creating a better today.

Bernadette

Silver--
You're doing great! Stay strong. The email is done let it go. Just do the next right thing!
You're really passing through the eye of the needle right now-- the fact that his behavior is so extreme means you have really stopped "pretending and keeping the status quo."

Peace,
B

GiveLove

Silver,

You sent the email out of compassion, because even though you realize you can't be with him right now, you wanted to see if there was something you could do to find a place for him to be.

You made the effort, and even if they don't respond, you don't need to be ashamed of making a compassionate effort. Your heart was in the right place, and now you can let it go.

I did similar things when I was trying to find places for my XABF to go, when I knew I had to separate from his madness. I felt heartless and cruel, and he made it worse by grinding it into me. He too threatened suicide, even though my life has been ravaged by family suicides in the past......as usual, he wasn't thinking about me at all, just about his own needs. Just as yours is. It's sad, but try to take the long view of it. These are still his choices. Even if the worst happens, and he chooses to end his time on this planet, you've done everything you could to change his mind. You're just done letting him cannibalize your happiness...you have to save yourself first.

You cannot save him if he doesn't want to be saved, and if he refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. Lots of people have terrible childhoods and horrible abuse. Lots of people are exposed to alcoholism. It is an obstacle to be over come (I've spent my life trying to overcome it) but it does not give you carte blanche to do whatever you want to other people.

Do the next right thing. It sounds like it would be good to find a good free consult with an attorney and find out what your options are.

We are so proud of you, silverberry!!! Some day you will look back on this time and say, "Whoa, that stunk. My life is SOOO much better now though."

Silverberry1331

[QUOTE=GiveLove;1886348]
You sent the email out of compassion, because even though you realize you can't be with him right now, you wanted to see if there was something you could do to find a place for him to be.

You made the effort, and even if they don't respond, you don't need to be ashamed of making a compassionate effort. Your heart was in the right place, and now you can let it go.

I did similar things when I was trying to find places for my XABF to go, when I knew I had to separate from his madness. I felt heartless and cruel, and he made it worse by grinding it into me. He too threatened suicide, even though my life has been ravaged by family suicides in the past......as usual, he wasn't thinking about me at all, just about his own needs. Just as yours is. It's sad, but try to take the long view of it. These are still his choices. Even if the worst happens, and he chooses to end his time on this planet, you've done everything you could to change his mind. You're just done letting him cannibalize your happiness...you have to save yourself first.

You cannot save him if he doesn't want to be saved, and if he refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. Lots of people have terrible childhoods and horrible abuse. Lots of people are exposed to alcoholism. It is an obstacle to be over come (I've spent my life trying to overcome it) but it does not give you carte blanche to do whatever you want to other people.
QUOTE]

I thank each and every one of you for these posts. Today is a really rocky day for me. I am unsure of everything today. I have that feeling I get when I am entrenched in my codie ways...that crawly skin feeling, that horrible angst I get that I want to soothe.

I am glad that you shared your similar situation. Sounds very close to mine. Did your A have no options either? Do you know what became of him?

I just received a phone call from the AH, and lo and behold he is out looking for a place to live. I am unsure whether this is true or not, perhaps I get a bit of reprieve from this manipulation attempt.

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, and that he is the carnie....I realize that I don't have to ride, so WHY do I stay on?

GiveLove

Everyone has to wait for the rollercoaster car to get to the right place where they can get off. You've stated your intention to get off, and are trying to get there. Give yourself some credit :ghug3

My X, lo and behold, found himself a place to live and a job, is still alive, and is still seeing multiple partners behind the others' back and still drinking and drugging. He makes more money than I do, has filled his house with lots of toys and gadgets, and is still desperately unhappy. I wish him the best, but I know I can't save him from himself....he has to do it.

And I am so much happier now that I'm off the coaster, eating my caramel apple, letting him ride for as long as he wants while I go do things that actually bring me real joy. But it was tough for a spell there. I remember.

You will feel the same. I know that crawly feeling.....take care of yourself. You are in the worst part of the storm right now, silverberry. I swear it does get easier ahead if you protect your happiness and your dreams.

lizw

:ghug3

Sounds like you are doing great.
There was a great reading in one of the Al Anon books today on detachment.

It's from Hope For Today, to summarize:
Detaching from others and getting to know myself go hand in hand.
"Because my fate - my very life- was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to excercise control." Courage to Change pg 199

Believe me, I know how hard to is.

Your AH's request for a blanket 'since it is winer' reminded me of how my sisters xAH used to send her video tapes when they eventually broke up. Vidoe tapes of him crying and stuff. At one point he claimed he was so poor, had such little money, that he had to eat cat food.... It still makes me giggle. Obviously not the desired affect on his part though.

Take it easy.

Silverberry1331

Thanks again for the support.

My sister said I should ask him to leave before the 7th, but for some reason I am resistant to doing that. I feel like I gave him until the 7th, so I should abide by this.

In light of all that is going on, do you think that I am overboard here?

I am trying to be gentle with myself, but I guess after rereading my posts, I am still mostly concerned with his feelings and his wellbeing over mine. I do admit that I am making strides and I am glad for this encouragement you guys are giving me. I notice though, I am still concerned with giving him his fair shake, even though he hasn't once extended his hand.

hello-kitty

You are not overboard. Stay on track. Stick with your boundaries. Don't doubt that he has received his "fair shake" and then some.

Bernadette

Hiya Silver--
If you wanna change the date to tommorrow, or any day, for your own mental health/sanity you have the right.

If he cries foul...so what? His behavior took a turn for the worse so you changed your timetable. Consequences.

He's an adult. He can do as he chooses.
You're an adult. You want to change the date? Change the date!

Peace,
B.

lizw

I think the 7th, given the new turn of events, is still reasonable. But if you can't stand to have him in the house anymore because of his behaviour change the date - you do have to put yourself first.

The only thing I would say is don't give him any more time because of the recent turn of events because then following an extention, there will always be another reason, excuse why he can't leave, then another, then another. Except for the obvious which is, it's a codependent relationship.

I was at my sponsors last night and she told me she thought I'd never get into a relationship based on 'need' again as I have come out the other side. I haven't a clue if this is true or not, time will tell, but I pray to god it is.

Again, your doing great and I've always found one moment at a time to be a good tool. Just think about getting through right now and doing what is in front of you. Don't let your mind focus on the 'what if's' or the "i should have done insteads'.

:ghug3

tormented22267

I'm very new to this board, only my 2nd day, so I'm actually feeling a little nervous trying to give advice to someone else. All I can say is, after 4 years of being in a relationship with an A, I've learned that every time he's cried and whined about how bad he'll have it without me, it been a 100% manipulation tactic every time! I also know that we are all adults, and if he does end up out in the cold somewhere, or if something bad does happen, that is due to HIS choices he has made in HIS life - NOT anything YOU have done. YOU are NOT responsible for HIS actions.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I hope you can begin to start thinking about YOU and what YOU want. If you feel the need to let him stay until the 7th because that is the commitment you made, then let him. However, if you just cannot handle him in the house that much longer, I think you have every right to tell him to leave.

theotherone

I know I am guilty of this quite often...I'm always trying to make sure my A is treated fairly and with respect, often at my expense. This is a hard one for me...I just don't want to change the compassion I have due to the way someone else has treated me. After all, my A is sick and don't sick people deserve some sort of sympathy??? I struggle with this one alot.

Standing your ground with the September 7th date is both stern and compassionate in my opinion. You have been more than fair.

Silverberry1331

This is my struggle also. I feel like he is ill. My AH always says, "alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having." Besides his physical appearance and the desparation is nothing short of pitiful. I find it harder to detach as we move closer to the 7th. I still have not gone back on my decision, but find myself having more unhealthy thoughts....Is this normal?

kingston

I can so relate to what you are saying! As it closer and closer to my date to leave my level of anxiety crept ever higher. Feelings of guilt and shame almost consumed me. BUT, I kept to my boundary and I left. Was it easy - hell no. Was it traumatic - hell yes. BUT was it worth - YES most definitely.

My AH continued on his own path just like he was doing before I left. So far in the last two weeks since I left he has managed to manipulate and con two other people into giving him money. Guess where it went, for rent which is due on the 1st - no, for food - no, for gas/bus tokens so he could look for a job - no, for the telephone/internet so he could look for a job - no. Where has it gone? Down his throat in booze.

Does he look and behave normal/healthy? No. But this is his choice, he knows what to do, he's been thru rehab so many times, he has the tools but chooses not to use them, again his decision.

Do I feel responsible? No bloody way. I've given him my everything and it has never been enough nor will it ever be enough.

This is my time now. My time to figure out who I really am, where I am, where I'm going and enjoy what little time I left.

26 years is more than enough.

Hang in there, stay strong and if you ever want to chat, pm me. K.

Freedom1990

Funny how we can have more compassion for the AH than ourselves.

Today I chose to put me and my recovery first and foremost.

My compassion is misplaced when I put that on the back burner.

Barbara52

For me, as the date came clser to when I was moving out, doubts grew, excuses started playing thruough my head, all that sort of thing. I think it was because making the decision and actually carrying it out are different. How many times had I said I was leaving and not followed through? How many times had I said I would do X and then didn't?

But I also knew I had to get out, had to save myself from his choices. It wasn't easy but I did it. And it was the best decision for me.

I wasn't easy sticking to what was best for me after that either. I didn't see xAH often but I heard form others how bad he looked, how he was still drinking, etc. It wasn't easy making sure the house got sold knowing that meant xAH became homeless and knowing I could rescue him.

BUT! I am not responsible for this other adult who could choose to get a job, find a place to live, get out of denial and into recovery! I cannot live his life for him nor do I want to. His path is his. The consequences of his choices are his.

And now he's moved out of state and in with his mother. He found someone else to rescue him. So I'm sure he's content again to be able to continue his denial and live without personal responsibility again.

theotherone

Whenever I have to stand up and enforce a boundry, anxiety rears its ugly head. Whenever my A tries to manipulate, take control or criticize, I can feel the old "unhealthy" thoughts and actions try to come out. I feel that I experience this as a part of my growth in recovery.

As far as "normal", I sometimes wonder what normal is after living so long with a RA. It's all a learning experience and I "allow" myself to feel those unacceptable or "unhealthy" thoughts so that I can practice my new "healthy" ones. The healthy ones have changed my reaction and help me to remember my boundries.

My most concerned moments are those when I begin to second guess myself. That's when I come here, read my literature and talk to my HP...(that is outside of the session with my therapist or a day when I don't have a meeting under my belt ).

In my opinion...you are doing great and I wouldn't worry about normal at this point.