Would you go?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 983
Would you go?
This will be hard to explain but i'll try. My sister gave her son up for adoption 13 years ago but we've remained in contact with the family and get together about twice a year.
Last month at their bbq according to my sister "I drank too much and cornered the mom for 30 minutes." Kind of that talking AT someone not talking TO someone when you have had too much to drink. I don't remember it being that bad, and if it was, why didn't my family do something instead of sitting there and timing it? But that's another gripe altogether.
Anyway, this prompted my sister to email my husband to say that my drinking had become a problem for everyone and she was worried about me attending his bar mitsvah next weekend and was really feeling anxious about it. My husband and I by coincidence had talked that it was time for me to quit drinking just before she sent the email, and he showed me the email exchange between them.
I know my family cares, worries, blah blah, but I'm thinking I should skip the whole thing next weekend to put my sister's mind at ease. Even though that will be 2 weeks sober for me, I know if i'm at any of the parties all weekend she'll feel responsible for me, my husband is away for the weekend, and I just have no desire to say anything to anyone about it at all.
If I have an apology to make to the mom, i'll do it on my own time, not during her son's very important weekend.
Sigh, I don't know. I mostly just had to vent. I feel like this week has just brought back every bad memory of every stupid thing i've ever done since I was 14.
Some of the things in my sister's email is really bothering me too. According to her people have been coming to her with concern about my drinking for a year. Why has nothing been said to me? To someone who likes to drink, silence just makes you think you're getting away with it.
And if I was making an ass of myself to the mom, was it her that said something, or was a family member really just sitting back and watching it happen?
This must be the humility part. Well I think i'm humiliated enough now.
Last month at their bbq according to my sister "I drank too much and cornered the mom for 30 minutes." Kind of that talking AT someone not talking TO someone when you have had too much to drink. I don't remember it being that bad, and if it was, why didn't my family do something instead of sitting there and timing it? But that's another gripe altogether.
Anyway, this prompted my sister to email my husband to say that my drinking had become a problem for everyone and she was worried about me attending his bar mitsvah next weekend and was really feeling anxious about it. My husband and I by coincidence had talked that it was time for me to quit drinking just before she sent the email, and he showed me the email exchange between them.
I know my family cares, worries, blah blah, but I'm thinking I should skip the whole thing next weekend to put my sister's mind at ease. Even though that will be 2 weeks sober for me, I know if i'm at any of the parties all weekend she'll feel responsible for me, my husband is away for the weekend, and I just have no desire to say anything to anyone about it at all.
If I have an apology to make to the mom, i'll do it on my own time, not during her son's very important weekend.
Sigh, I don't know. I mostly just had to vent. I feel like this week has just brought back every bad memory of every stupid thing i've ever done since I was 14.
Some of the things in my sister's email is really bothering me too. According to her people have been coming to her with concern about my drinking for a year. Why has nothing been said to me? To someone who likes to drink, silence just makes you think you're getting away with it.
And if I was making an ass of myself to the mom, was it her that said something, or was a family member really just sitting back and watching it happen?
This must be the humility part. Well I think i'm humiliated enough now.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Humility and humiliation are two completely different things. Completely.
Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less.
I sense that in your post you somewhat portray yourself as a victim... kind of like, "Why are they treating me this way...?"
I'm not sure, and I am not being judgemental, but are you ready to accept full accountability for your actions?
Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less.
I sense that in your post you somewhat portray yourself as a victim... kind of like, "Why are they treating me this way...?"
I'm not sure, and I am not being judgemental, but are you ready to accept full accountability for your actions?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Stopping drinking means facing all the embarassing, humiliating and shameful moments that we've gone through, and it's really hard. Ultimately, facing those things, is the only way to get through it.
It would have been nice if your family had intervened, but they didn't. My family didn't either. It was up to me to get it together. You can do this and do it for yourself.
It would have been nice if your family had intervened, but they didn't. My family didn't either. It was up to me to get it together. You can do this and do it for yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
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I got your joke and thought it was funny. I wouldn't go either. I wouldn't want to know that everyone there was watching and "worrying" about me. Yek. If it makes you uncomfortable, skip it. There will be another one in several months where you'll have some distance from the person you were before. It'll be easier then. Just my opinion.
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Ok, got it.
It's just that so many people don't know the difference between humility and humiliation, they resist the whole humility concept because they don't want to be humiliated.
Good luck in whatever you decide, keep coming back.
It's just that so many people don't know the difference between humility and humiliation, they resist the whole humility concept because they don't want to be humiliated.
Good luck in whatever you decide, keep coming back.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey scoob,
just wanted to welcome you. if you're unsure if you should go - i'd suggest you stay home and focus on your recovery. the family stuff will most likely work out, once you have shown them that you are getting better?
keep posting! k
just wanted to welcome you. if you're unsure if you should go - i'd suggest you stay home and focus on your recovery. the family stuff will most likely work out, once you have shown them that you are getting better?
keep posting! k
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
If it were me I think I would skip it for three of the reasons you mentioned.
1) To not detract attention from your nephew
2) To allow your family to have a good time without worrying about you AND to allow you to have a stress-free weekend without feeling like you are in a fishbowl
3) To allow time to pass before you approach the adoptive mother to make amends.
Hope this helps!!
Kellye
1) To not detract attention from your nephew
2) To allow your family to have a good time without worrying about you AND to allow you to have a stress-free weekend without feeling like you are in a fishbowl
3) To allow time to pass before you approach the adoptive mother to make amends.
Hope this helps!!
Kellye
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Congratulations on your 2 weeks sober! That is awesome.
I'm curious about your plan to stay sober~Do you have one? are you working a program? do you have other recovering alcoholics (besides here) to share your experiences with, to gain strength from, and to help you keep the fire going under your hope for a better life without alcohol?
There will always be something in our lives that can upset or disturb us. Alcoholics are a sensitive bunch. Like anna said, it would have been nice if your family had intervened, or had been more accountable for their part in your drinking sooner or in a more agreeable manner, but they weren't. Life doesn't often go according to our wishes.
The important thing, as Kellye pointed out, is to keep First things First. Don't go this weekend if you think yuo will feel vulnerable to high emotions OR a drink, and good luck!
I'm curious about your plan to stay sober~Do you have one? are you working a program? do you have other recovering alcoholics (besides here) to share your experiences with, to gain strength from, and to help you keep the fire going under your hope for a better life without alcohol?
There will always be something in our lives that can upset or disturb us. Alcoholics are a sensitive bunch. Like anna said, it would have been nice if your family had intervened, or had been more accountable for their part in your drinking sooner or in a more agreeable manner, but they weren't. Life doesn't often go according to our wishes.
The important thing, as Kellye pointed out, is to keep First things First. Don't go this weekend if you think yuo will feel vulnerable to high emotions OR a drink, and good luck!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Thanks for your replies. I don't feel that my family needed to be accountable or have a part in my drinking, I was only referring to the email sent to my husband by my sister and what she said in there. It just made me wonder that's all.
I haven't talked to anyone else outside of here, this felt like a good place to start. I am very sensitive right now, i'm hoping it will fade soon.
I haven't talked to anyone else outside of here, this felt like a good place to start. I am very sensitive right now, i'm hoping it will fade soon.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Good question. I think i've decided to go to the ceremony at the synagogue and not attend any of the other events. There's a dinner on Friday at the uncles, the bar mitsvah on Saturday and then dinner afterward at the adoptive parents, and something on Sunday as well which I can't remember what it is.
Maybe my first post sounded whiny and selfish, that's not what I meant. I really don't want my sister to think she has to be my babysitter with my husband away, so will not attend any of the parties and let her relax and enjoy her moment with her son.
Maybe my first post sounded whiny and selfish, that's not what I meant. I really don't want my sister to think she has to be my babysitter with my husband away, so will not attend any of the parties and let her relax and enjoy her moment with her son.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Originally Posted by scoob 
I think i've decided to go to the ceremony at the synagogue and not attend any of the other events.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I would agree with Kelly....
"If it were me I think I would skip it for three of the reasons you mentioned.
1) To not detract attention from your nephew
2) To allow your family to have a good time without worrying about you AND to allow you to have a stress-free weekend without feeling like you are in a fishbowl
3) To allow time to pass before you approach the adoptive mother to make amends"
I think you have a spectacularly compassionate way of looking at the situation. I am not sure I could have been that together in my very early sobriety. I often feel offended by peoples remarks, and at times I really don't get why others didn't say something to me about my drinking....but questioning that isn't a bad thing...it helps me to think about where they might have been and why and helps me to build compassion toward their dificulties.
But you are doing the key thing of thinking about how your actions will effect yourself and others and trying to decide on a way to respectfully walk through a dificult situation.
You're doing great!!!!!:ghug3
"If it were me I think I would skip it for three of the reasons you mentioned.
1) To not detract attention from your nephew
2) To allow your family to have a good time without worrying about you AND to allow you to have a stress-free weekend without feeling like you are in a fishbowl
3) To allow time to pass before you approach the adoptive mother to make amends"
I think you have a spectacularly compassionate way of looking at the situation. I am not sure I could have been that together in my very early sobriety. I often feel offended by peoples remarks, and at times I really don't get why others didn't say something to me about my drinking....but questioning that isn't a bad thing...it helps me to think about where they might have been and why and helps me to build compassion toward their dificulties.
But you are doing the key thing of thinking about how your actions will effect yourself and others and trying to decide on a way to respectfully walk through a dificult situation.
You're doing great!!!!!:ghug3
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Hi,
I'm of a completely different opinion as to what I would do, but I'm not you. This whole thing would drive me nuts, so I would call this mother before the occasion, I'd get her number if I needed to from sis, and I would make ammends now. I'd just be honest and say I'd been working on my drinking and that I am now doing better, and I'd say I was sorry if I'd been monopolizing the conversation, or whatever it was that people think you did.
I bet she isn't even worried or thinking about it at all. You know, that's been the weird thing, when I've made ammends for my behavior in the past, most of the time, it wasn't as bad as I thought. my feeling guilty, the people I talked to said "You were fine. Don't worry about it. I'm glad you're doing better." I bet she says that to you. And then you will feel a lot better. Then you can decide to go or not go and not even worry about it. And everyone in your family should be proud of you for facing the situation and dealing with it, if they are ready to forgive you. If they aren't, after some time passes, they will. Hang in there.
KJ
I'm of a completely different opinion as to what I would do, but I'm not you. This whole thing would drive me nuts, so I would call this mother before the occasion, I'd get her number if I needed to from sis, and I would make ammends now. I'd just be honest and say I'd been working on my drinking and that I am now doing better, and I'd say I was sorry if I'd been monopolizing the conversation, or whatever it was that people think you did.
I bet she isn't even worried or thinking about it at all. You know, that's been the weird thing, when I've made ammends for my behavior in the past, most of the time, it wasn't as bad as I thought. my feeling guilty, the people I talked to said "You were fine. Don't worry about it. I'm glad you're doing better." I bet she says that to you. And then you will feel a lot better. Then you can decide to go or not go and not even worry about it. And everyone in your family should be proud of you for facing the situation and dealing with it, if they are ready to forgive you. If they aren't, after some time passes, they will. Hang in there.
KJ
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 983
I still don't think this is the week to do that. They have family coming in from all over, and would rather get confirmation from my sister as to what exactly she meant by that remark before I put my foot in my mouth. I don't want her to know why I won't go, because i'm sure she'll make a fuss about making sure I do go.
Bah, i'm talking in circles now.
Bah, i'm talking in circles now.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
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Hi scoob :ghug3
Boy, do I KNOW where you are coming from. Ugh, that first month sucked for me as far as feeling like I was remembering every stupid thing I had ever done. I also had a sister that decided to tell me that everyone had been talking about me and my drinking problem and that she had prayed that I get sober and now I did. Like she was taking credit. Oy vey. Anyway, my point is that it was the worst feeling to think about people sitting around talking about you behind your back but never saying a thing to your face. Now, my husband had no problem saying it to my face
You will get less sensitive and you will be able to let it roll off your shoulder in a bit. Personally, I would not go. I don't think it is empowering to your recovery right now. I think it would be a little painful imagining what each person might have said and what they are thinking now. I would send a NICE present and a card that says that I am so sorry that I can not make it but I am so proud...If your sister calls and wants to know why you are not going, I would be honest and tell her that you are newly sober and that you are working on you right now. I would tell her that you don't think it would be for the best for your sobriety to be at these types of functions yet and you are sure she would understand. She wants the best for you. Show her that you do too.
Are you going to AA meetings or other recovery? If not, I would definitely suggest that you do, especially if hubby is going out of town!
All the best to you. I am here if you need to talk because trust me, I was there!
Boy, do I KNOW where you are coming from. Ugh, that first month sucked for me as far as feeling like I was remembering every stupid thing I had ever done. I also had a sister that decided to tell me that everyone had been talking about me and my drinking problem and that she had prayed that I get sober and now I did. Like she was taking credit. Oy vey. Anyway, my point is that it was the worst feeling to think about people sitting around talking about you behind your back but never saying a thing to your face. Now, my husband had no problem saying it to my face
You will get less sensitive and you will be able to let it roll off your shoulder in a bit. Personally, I would not go. I don't think it is empowering to your recovery right now. I think it would be a little painful imagining what each person might have said and what they are thinking now. I would send a NICE present and a card that says that I am so sorry that I can not make it but I am so proud...If your sister calls and wants to know why you are not going, I would be honest and tell her that you are newly sober and that you are working on you right now. I would tell her that you don't think it would be for the best for your sobriety to be at these types of functions yet and you are sure she would understand. She wants the best for you. Show her that you do too.
Are you going to AA meetings or other recovery? If not, I would definitely suggest that you do, especially if hubby is going out of town!
All the best to you. I am here if you need to talk because trust me, I was there!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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TTOSBT - thanks for that. By the weekend i'm sure I will have figured something out and a suitable response for whichever decision I make. The little things seem big right now I guess.
I am trying to find an AA meeting near me that fits when I will be able to go. It's definitely something that I plan on doing.
I am trying to find an AA meeting near me that fits when I will be able to go. It's definitely something that I plan on doing.
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