no women to sponsor me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
no women to sponsor me
Okay....so I'm REALLY trying to get help! I've gone to two AA meetings....one I closed my store down to attend and the other I begged my father to watch my kids (he'll baby-sit about once every six months). There's only one AA meeting during the day when the kids are in daycare, so I can go to that one once a week.
However, I've been told by the people there to get a sponsor and it has to be a woman. Great...but there are no women who can/will sponsor me!! I've called women who's numbers were given to me by men in the group who know them, but for various reasons the women aren't able to take on a sponsee (word?) at this time. Not their fault. There are very few women in the groups I've been at and they're pretty early on in their recovery, too, so they're in no position to help.
Another problem....the men in the group keep saying, "Keep coming back"...and yet there is a ZERO tolerance for kids in the meetings. I've even called the AA hotline in town to find out if there are any groups that allow kids and there just aren't. No wonder there are so few women!!! And the women in the groups I've gone to need to be there every day so they can't miss so I can go (only one meeting a day in town).
Any suggestions? I've been told it's not fair to me, the kids or other members if I were to bring the kids to a meeting.
However, I've been told by the people there to get a sponsor and it has to be a woman. Great...but there are no women who can/will sponsor me!! I've called women who's numbers were given to me by men in the group who know them, but for various reasons the women aren't able to take on a sponsee (word?) at this time. Not their fault. There are very few women in the groups I've been at and they're pretty early on in their recovery, too, so they're in no position to help.
Another problem....the men in the group keep saying, "Keep coming back"...and yet there is a ZERO tolerance for kids in the meetings. I've even called the AA hotline in town to find out if there are any groups that allow kids and there just aren't. No wonder there are so few women!!! And the women in the groups I've gone to need to be there every day so they can't miss so I can go (only one meeting a day in town).
Any suggestions? I've been told it's not fair to me, the kids or other members if I were to bring the kids to a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I am very discouraged to hear this...but lets not let it trip our buttons (my mama bear button got pushed).
Remember this later in your recovery and help out someone else with babysitting.
I don't know how you are set for transporation and gas money, but perhaps the money you would spend on gas for the meeting and money you save by not using could be used to hire a young person to watch the kids while you go? And maybe someone else could give you a ride to the meeting.
The women for women and men for men thing is great when it's available...I realy recommend it, but sobriety is more important than the sex division...and men can babysit too!!!
Do what you have to do to stay sober. There are guidlines, not rules and there are always expceptions. Your dedication is what matters most. And there are many people in AA who cannot attend meetings for a variety of reasons and utilize email, web and on line meetings along with literature...so explore that option.
PM me if you need more support and post here as much as you can.:ghug2
Remember this later in your recovery and help out someone else with babysitting.
I don't know how you are set for transporation and gas money, but perhaps the money you would spend on gas for the meeting and money you save by not using could be used to hire a young person to watch the kids while you go? And maybe someone else could give you a ride to the meeting.
The women for women and men for men thing is great when it's available...I realy recommend it, but sobriety is more important than the sex division...and men can babysit too!!!
Do what you have to do to stay sober. There are guidlines, not rules and there are always expceptions. Your dedication is what matters most. And there are many people in AA who cannot attend meetings for a variety of reasons and utilize email, web and on line meetings along with literature...so explore that option.
PM me if you need more support and post here as much as you can.:ghug2
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Sorry to hear of your situation.
We had to prohibit kids from a meeting here once because if we didn't we were going to lose the meeting place. It was a hard decision, but one that had to be made for the good of the group.
I hope you find a solution to your situation.
We had to prohibit kids from a meeting here once because if we didn't we were going to lose the meeting place. It was a hard decision, but one that had to be made for the good of the group.
I hope you find a solution to your situation.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
maybe the women you called know of someone? like THEIR sponsor?
also - maybe someone in the meeting (or in proximity therein) knows someone who had a kid old enough who will watch your kidsfor the length of the meeting. I don't know the location limitations of where you are attending, but around here, there's almost always a parent of a teenager who can bring their kid ... to watch other kids...
finally -
pray about it.
funny how things happen ... when we get quiet and ask.
also - maybe someone in the meeting (or in proximity therein) knows someone who had a kid old enough who will watch your kidsfor the length of the meeting. I don't know the location limitations of where you are attending, but around here, there's almost always a parent of a teenager who can bring their kid ... to watch other kids...
finally -
pray about it.
funny how things happen ... when we get quiet and ask.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey dancingirl - just sending some support to ya. maybe you know someone else outside the program with kids that you could barter some time with - they keep yours during meetings and you keep theirs for errands/such?
just relax and think outside the box a bit - i bet it'll work out.
hugs, k
(good for you for fightin' so hard for those meetings - your kids are lucky to have such a caring parent)
just relax and think outside the box a bit - i bet it'll work out.
hugs, k
(good for you for fightin' so hard for those meetings - your kids are lucky to have such a caring parent)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,788
If it were me and there was 'zero tolerance' for kids at meetings, I sure wouldn't want to bring my kids to such a place. For the kids' sake, I mean. I wouldn't want my kids in a place where they weren't welcome.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time finding a sponser. I have no advice for you, only hope that this situation will find a solution.
:ghug3
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time finding a sponser. I have no advice for you, only hope that this situation will find a solution.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
I had a hard time finding a sponsor at first. I live where there are lots of mtgs and still had a hard time. I have heard that from other women as well. You are not alone. Keep working at it. It will happen.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Have you considered an online sponsor until you find a face to face one? I think some people do that (please if anyone has experience chime in here). Please don't give up though and come here in between meetings.
I was fortunate in that my sponsors all basically asked me if I wanted them to sponsor me. Guess I had that pitiful deer in the headlights don't know sh*t from shinola look about me (which was totally true LOL!)
Hang in there and try not to get discouraged. Pray about it and get creative. You've gotten some great suggestions so far.
Take care,
Kellye
I was fortunate in that my sponsors all basically asked me if I wanted them to sponsor me. Guess I had that pitiful deer in the headlights don't know sh*t from shinola look about me (which was totally true LOL!)
Hang in there and try not to get discouraged. Pray about it and get creative. You've gotten some great suggestions so far.
Take care,
Kellye
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,788
Just re-read my post and it sounded like I was being harsh toward the meetings/members where kids were not allowed. I wasn't. Just thinking how the kids would feel knowing they weren't welcome there. And I don't know how old the kids are so can't tell their daycare needs or whether they could occupy themselves quietly during a meeting.
I've been to meetings where there were kids who behaved and sat at a table and kept busy, but others where kids were running around and it was disturbing. So I've seen both sides.
It's a hard situation but there has to be a solution. I hope you find it soon.:ghug2
I've been to meetings where there were kids who behaved and sat at a table and kept busy, but others where kids were running around and it was disturbing. So I've seen both sides.
It's a hard situation but there has to be a solution. I hope you find it soon.:ghug2
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Maybe there are more meetings a little further afield that might be more suitable for you? I always wonder how single parents manage to get to meetings. THere are a few kids that come to our meetings. They usually sit in a corner and amuse themselves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I sponsor on line...You might find someone on these threads that you feel would be appropriete and ask them to be your "temporary sponsor" to sponsor you until you can find a face to face one. There are some real advantages to face to face....but on line sponsorship can be helpful from my perspective as a sponsor...not sure how it is from the being sponsored end as i have a local sponsor.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
hi dancinggirl,
yup, that is a challenge that you're having . i like what ananda said [offered]...
an online sponsorship... that would help! and congrats on your new sobriety!! awesome!!
yup, that is a challenge that you're having . i like what ananda said [offered]...
an online sponsorship... that would help! and congrats on your new sobriety!! awesome!!
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Well, I see you've taken my advice to keep on dancing 
You're "dancing" from meeting to meeting!
I'm afraid I have zero tolerance for groups that have zero tolerance for kids at meetings. Fortunately, I belonged to a group where children were welcome...for the most part, they were well behaved...and, when one acted up (as kids will do), it was taken quietly outside by the parent. My grand daughter is 25 and went to many, many meetings with me.
One regular meeting a week is something to look forward to, and better than none at all!
You've gotten a lot of good suggestions here, and I hope you'll be able to implement something that will enable you to get to more meetings.
As far as sponsorship is concerned, there are no hard and fast rules...only suggestions. I had an excellent male sponsor for a number of years, until he moved too far away for it to be feasible. Perhaps you could ask one of the older men with many years of good sobriety to at least be your temporary sponsor until you can work something else out. It's worth a try.
You're "dancing" from meeting to meeting!I'm afraid I have zero tolerance for groups that have zero tolerance for kids at meetings. Fortunately, I belonged to a group where children were welcome...for the most part, they were well behaved...and, when one acted up (as kids will do), it was taken quietly outside by the parent. My grand daughter is 25 and went to many, many meetings with me.
There's only one AA meeting during the day when the kids are in daycare, so I can go to that one once a week.
You've gotten a lot of good suggestions here, and I hope you'll be able to implement something that will enable you to get to more meetings.
As far as sponsorship is concerned, there are no hard and fast rules...only suggestions. I had an excellent male sponsor for a number of years, until he moved too far away for it to be feasible. Perhaps you could ask one of the older men with many years of good sobriety to at least be your temporary sponsor until you can work something else out. It's worth a try.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Thanks everyone! My town also has some bizarre thing where women and men aren't really encouraged to even speak together. lol I literally have a circle of empty chairs around me when I've gone to a meeting!
I'm going to go to the one during the week during daytime hours and try and get to one more by paying for a sitter during the week. Money is really tight, though, so not sure how long/if I can pull that off. My head is clearing more now that I'm on Day 7 and things seem more manageable like I CAN figure some way to get to some meetings now.
The sponsor thing is still a pickle, though...
I guess I understand the whole "no kids" thing...especially as there are so many men and it's not fair for them to temper their language during such a crucial thing as a meeting, just because I have young kids (not that my kids haven't heard all kinds of language at home! lol).
Anyways, thanks to everyone! It's amazing how my brain just couldn't fathom this even a few days ago...but just by adding a few more days away from alcohol has made this seem more manageable.
I'm going to go to the one during the week during daytime hours and try and get to one more by paying for a sitter during the week. Money is really tight, though, so not sure how long/if I can pull that off. My head is clearing more now that I'm on Day 7 and things seem more manageable like I CAN figure some way to get to some meetings now.
The sponsor thing is still a pickle, though...
I guess I understand the whole "no kids" thing...especially as there are so many men and it's not fair for them to temper their language during such a crucial thing as a meeting, just because I have young kids (not that my kids haven't heard all kinds of language at home! lol).
Anyways, thanks to everyone! It's amazing how my brain just couldn't fathom this even a few days ago...but just by adding a few more days away from alcohol has made this seem more manageable.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Hey dancinggirl do not give up. I was discouraged my first few meetings about finding a sponsor as there were not women. But I did find one after going to meetings for a month and am glad I waited.
The meetings I have been too do allow kids. I did not know they were not allowed. I went to meetings as a child. I think that rule makes it hard and uncalled for, but that is just my opinion (I do not have children).
Just keep going and if at all possible there are lists usually at meetings of people who are willing to sponsor that you can call or ask a man sponsor if he knows any woman who are sponsoring he can line you up with.
I heard someone say a great line at a meeting something like if you are a great student a teacher will come or something like that and that is what he kept thinking that until he found a sponsor.
Until then hang in there and have faith that good things will happen if you put your best feet forward. I did and I found one so it is possible.
Also if you keep going to meetings and people know you are new and looking for a sponsor when there is someone there someone will point them out. Let the meetin chair know you are looking for a sponsor and continue to let them know and they probably know someone that they can call and say hey this girl comes everyweek and is looking for a sponsor and maybe ask them to make a meeting. Just put your hand out eventhough it is hard. We are all here to help.
The meetings I have been too do allow kids. I did not know they were not allowed. I went to meetings as a child. I think that rule makes it hard and uncalled for, but that is just my opinion (I do not have children).
Just keep going and if at all possible there are lists usually at meetings of people who are willing to sponsor that you can call or ask a man sponsor if he knows any woman who are sponsoring he can line you up with.
I heard someone say a great line at a meeting something like if you are a great student a teacher will come or something like that and that is what he kept thinking that until he found a sponsor.
Until then hang in there and have faith that good things will happen if you put your best feet forward. I did and I found one so it is possible.
Also if you keep going to meetings and people know you are new and looking for a sponsor when there is someone there someone will point them out. Let the meetin chair know you are looking for a sponsor and continue to let them know and they probably know someone that they can call and say hey this girl comes everyweek and is looking for a sponsor and maybe ask them to make a meeting. Just put your hand out eventhough it is hard. We are all here to help.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
My town also has some bizarre thing where women and men aren't really encouraged to even speak together.
I guess I understand the whole "no kids" thing...especially as there are so many men and it's not fair for them to temper their language during such a crucial thing as a meeting, just because I have young kids (not that my kids haven't heard all kinds of language at home! lol).
There was only one closed AA discussion meeting that I called the "Anything Goes, Let It All Hang Out" group. It was the one meeting I would never take any of my grand kids to. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a prude, and I've resorted to some crude language myself...but, if I'm going to feel it's perfectly acceptable in mixed company, I might just as well be sitting on a bar stool where it didn't seem to matter. It's one of my own character defects that I work on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Lol....well, Jersey Nonny, it seems my town is full of foul-languaged people! And it's rarely the young ones saying the swear words. lol Honestly, for some reason it cracks me up when an old-timer lets lose a string of profanity to emphasize how bad things were for them.
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