respektingme

I was just reading some of the replies this morning and saw some that remind me of why I come and leave here for several months at a time.

It's difficult to come here without having my defenses up. I realize that many here are practically professional al-anoners, with years of experience and advice. While many can benefit from your years of wisdom, often times I feel like the delivery overcomes the advice.

I'm not divorced, I don't know everything nor have I attended AlAnon for many years on end (although I have attended and have several of the books).

I am educated, I have studied psychology, read plenty of books on leadership/teamwork/communication abilities, done a fair amount of research on the subject of interpersonal relations and I'm always open to learning more about how humans interact, behave, believe, etc.

Sometimes, I can post here about something going on in my life, usually regarding my husband's drinking, and I cringe reading through the replies. Most people reply with kindness, respect, compassion, words of wisdom, and shared similar stories. Others seem to wad their experiences into shell casings and blast their subjects with a brutal dose of their truth/advice/judgment. I often feel like some respond to me like I'm an idiot, or that I'm some incompetent dope. That's based on an assumption usually because of some drama I've allowed my AH's drinking to bring into my life. That still does not mean I'm stupid.

Alllll of the responses might be the same in meaning. But some may be more motivating than others. And some replies make me want to just log off and not come back here for several months.

Regarding helping others.. if you can't speak out of compassion for someone when handing out words of wisdom, just don't do it. Your words, while they may be based in truth and experience, may actually make the problem worse.

Many people come here in times of complete disaster, incredible insecurity, fear, anxiety and have total chaos in their lives. They are fragile. They need love, not criticism. They need the truth, not judgment. They need help, not hurt.

Just my two cents. I don't mean to offend anyone, but that's pretty much why I come and go. I come looking for advice and am willing to hear it. I don't come looking to get beat up.

FormerDoormat

I cannot control how other people behave nor can I control how they respond to my posts. All I can do is post my thread, state my purpose for posting, and take the feedback I want and leave the rest. Most folks post on this forum with the intention of helping others. Rarely do I see a posting that's sole pupose is to intentionally hurt someone. When that happens, the moderators step in and take care of the situation (and for that I'm grateful).

In the past, my attempts to control what others did or said were generally attempts to protect myself from perceived harm. Today I realize that words can't hurt me unless I give them the power to do so. Words no longer have the power to make me feel stupid because I know I'm not.

Rella927

When I first came here too there were a lot of responses that I would become
so angry with-and that as I look back now was because I was so angry! I did not
want to hear others advice or experience! They did not know what I was going
through!

Guess what WRONG! Others may not have been going through or gone through EXACTLY
what I did but they sure did know what I was going through on some level!

As FD said I too no longer allow others words hurt me unless I give them the power to do so!

Al-Anon works for some and maybe it is just not for you that is fine ....

IMHO we do what works for us-and if we still find ourselves in the same spot and in the same pain I guess we need to find something else!

It maybe cliche however that is why we "Take what you like and leave the rest"

respektingme

You are both very right. Not arguing your point whatsoever.

lilkim

I agree with respkting me. I have never had anyone react nasty to any of my posts. But I have seen it happen to other posters. Then the rest will jump to do the same. It becomes a pack mentality. It's very disturbing. And all done with hugs and "love" Nasty is nasty, no matter how many hugs or how much "love" is attached.

We don't have the right to force our views down anyone's throat. People feel bad enough when they come here. It's not our job to judge. We are here to support each other. What works for one person may not work for another. That's not a crime. Nor does it make someone else's pain less than another's.


What Alanon has to do with this, I'm not sure. I've gone for years and all I've heard is about compassion and love. I really don't think it should even be brought into the matter. Because the orginal poster wasn't even talking about Alanon. Being in Alanon makes you no better or worse than someone finding their way in a different manner.

It's just sad that because of a some, one of the few places that we should all feel safe isn't..

good_luck

I'm with you, respektingme. I definately have had some outrageously impassioned replies to some of my questions/posts. I think it's useful to keep in mind that it really has very little to do with the target, and much more to do with the person being rude. I mean, to get so bent out of shape about someone floating out in cyberspace somewhere, posting about their own life...well. I just assume that it is people dealing with their own demons, regrets, or unresolved whatever.

i4getsm

I agree with all of the posts above. I find it interesting to look at the number of posts for each user with each viewpoint. To me, the Pros (1,000s of posts) have a "Take what you like and leave the rest" view and the newbies (myself included with under 500 posts) ask for a little bit more compassion. I think the Pros and the newbies have it right. It's such a fine line. I want the truth (aka a reality check), but I don't need it crammed down my throat any more than an alcoholic needs to be reminded he/she is an alcoholic, ya know?

I can say for me that reading some of the replies (especially those where I really identify with the original poster) makes me want to not admit my slips here or what's really going on in my life...my real thoughts. I want this place to be my safe haven where I can say "yes, I'm that messed up in the head" but not get whipped for it. Again, it's a tough line. I recently had this happen and wrote about it on that thread. In my desire to give everyone a fair shake, I went back and reread all the posts again on this particular thread. The 2nd time through, the posts didn't seem nearly as "angry" as they sounded the first time. Everything is about perspective and it's easy to forget we all have our own rose colored glasses on (pros and newbies).

Thanks for listening to my rambling and thanks to repektingme for sharing something that has concerned me lately as well. I don't need pollyanna type posts but I think some are a little more harsh than they need to be. JMO.

Rella927

Actually the original poster did mention Al-Anon in the post....

I have seen threads like this in the past here at SR and I really do not think IMHO it is
not about being a newbie or a pro! Or forcing views down one’s throat
(Take what you want and leave the rest!)

It is about helping one another and supporting the best way we can!
IMHO we are all at different levels in recovery-some longer than others and some not
even in recovery and going through a rough time hence why they come here….I honestly
think those leaving responses are doing the best THEY KNOW HOW and if it does not suit
our own well being then leaving it is a good choice-

Yes PAIN IS PAIN I believe in that and there is no comparing pain! I know that it is
not anyone’s intention here to bully anyone or hurt anyone in anyway-It is the way a
person responds-caring, compassionate, rough around the edges….we are all different
and have different ways of approaching life- again it does not mean that we have to listen-

I honestly believe that most everyone here and on other boards in this forum have
their way of responding-it all goes back to how we perceive it, and yes there are those
who I feel and I will be honest that come across a bit to harsh or strong at times-
however it is those that we do not need to give a reaction too or give a thread like this too!
I just try to ignore them and value that they tried to get their point across although I did not like it!

Sorry that you feel this way respek, lilKim, I4get, good luck and anyone else who
has only been here a short time-

I can assure you it is not anyone's intention
to "bully or stick it to you" they are just sharing their ES&H....
the best way that they can or are capable of....

I believe everyone who tries to share on these boards are doing so with good intention

respektingme

Rella,

I'm not arguing motive, intentions, reasons, etc. I'm not trying to insult anyone. I'm saying, I've seen it happen. If anyone gleans anything from my post who considers speaking a little softer the next time they consider lowering the boom on somebody, that'll be great.

lilkim

Everyone can have their own thinking on this subject. My thoughts have nothing to do with the amount of time I have been a member. I came to this site for a long time before I joined. They come from what I read here.

Astro

Do we have a referee Smilie? I'll just use this

I really believe SR is still a safe place, as safe as any internet forum can be. Why? Because if I don't like what I'm hearing or what's being shared I can simply log off and walk away.

"Take what you want and leave the rest". That's been shared on this thread too. Being on SR really isn't much different than going to a meeting IMO. When I go to a face-to-face meeting it's pretty much guaranteed that at least one person is going to share something I don't care for or disagree with. I can leave that person's comments lying on the floor when I leave the room, and I can do the same on this forum.

I also try to remember that I didn't go into recovery to be coddled and pampered, I'm here because my life was a nightmare and I created plenty of wreckage, and now it's time to put on a happy face and "trudge the road of happy destiny". Recovery is hard work, it's not always easy, but the rewards can be mind-boggling if I persevere.

But the bottom line here is that SR is a public forum on the world-wide web. Just about anyone can register and participate, so with billions of people on this planet the odds of someone sharing something that isn't quite compassionate are pretty high, it's bound to happen. Do I need to react to that person's behavior? No, that too is a choice I can make in recovery. If I'm not mistaken there's a pretty cool feature on SR that allows us to ignore that poster in the future (?)

For the most part SR is a very friendly place, thanks to our mods and greeters that is. I've been in some pretty scary forums that weren't moderated nearly as well, so I continue to feel safe here and feel that SR is another home to me in my recovery. So in the spirit of love, tolerance, and most of all compassion, I just want to thank every one of you for sharing here every day. I enjoy reading your posts, even if they're not always light & polite, and if the day ever comes when I'm not comfortable here, then I'll quietly go somewhere else.

prodigal

Amen to that, brother, and thank you!

SugarLily

I believe that SR is a safe place.

I also remember early on in my recovery; reading posts that made me cry and feel stupid but in MY case - those were the posts that triggered me. The posts that riled me up were detailing what I didn't want to admit to myself.

Again - I must reiterate that thats not how all posts go.

I just I dunno, we are all here to help but you need to remember that some of us are in different stages, there are those that have left (like me) and I want to harp on about how my life has changed so much for the better, there are others that are able to help their SO's and be happy.

Each single one of us has a story, they may not be the ones that you want to hear. But we all want to help, believe that please.

Rella927

Astro Thank you my friend

( knew you could do it)

Shhhh

carolineb

Interesting thread.....

To me, this forum is a great representation of people in general.....there are the hand holders and there are the tough lovers. I like both. I need both.

My personal situation seems to have passed. I needed this forum to learn about the drama and manipulation of an active alcoholic to be able to detach from exabf. The info I gained here was invaluable in me being able to do just that and I have moved on from the drama.

My only negative about this forum....was the loosely used term of 'codie' constantly being thrown around when I related a tough situation in which I needed perspective. All of a sudden.....it was me....and I was a 'codie'....blah, blah, blah.

So, I think the key is just to keep it in perspective. Learn from others who have walked before you. Knowledge is power.

loner1968

A couple years ago I went on a different site, before I found this one, and one person in particular made me so mad that I avoided all the rest for a long time.

This person was a "know-it-all" and had the meanest way of responding. she was right about everything, and her attitude was "oh well...Then live your life in hell if you don't want to listen to me"

She basically said this is the way recovery is and you have to do it a ceratain way (her way) and also posted as if all addicts were just vile pieces of scum with no heart and soul etc...although sometimes I might feel that way I really do have comapassion for people and found it hard to swallow.

I wanted to find her and smack her! Sorry but that's how I felt. There has only been one or two posters on here that have made me a little upset but...they WERE right about what they said! Nobody on SR had EVER made me feel as bad as that other person on that other site did!

I'm glad I came here and I hope we can all remember where we come from.

Lilyflower

I'm glad you were able to move out of the situation you were in. Reading your past posts, you seemed to be able to move on from him, relatively easily.

Could I just say before I go on that as stated in other posts, when listening to other peoples opinion, there must be a general feeling of ''I will take what I want and leave the rest''. On a site like this, with sooo many members, someone is eventually going to say something you don't agree with. We cannot all agree all the time, it is not human!!

I say 'relatively' because the majority of posters I have seen here have great difficulty in separating themselves from the A in their life. They have become ''enmeshed'', finding it difficult to separate the A's issues, behaviour and consequences from what they perceive as theirs. Often believing that they are somehow responsible for the A's drinking, behaviour etc and allowing themselves to take on the self destructive thought process that they can ''help'' make it better.

This is (in my understanding of the condition) the fundamental background to codependant thinking.

When many people first come here, it is quite probable that either they are a long term suffer of codependance, or perhaps are beginning to adopt codependant charactertraits due to the situation with their A.

Codependance is, if not learnt in childhood, learnt when dealing with addictive personalities as a way of coping with the environment at home. There are as with all psychological issues, differing degrees of the intensity of the suffering, or if you like, just how codependant someone is.

If the word ''codie'' flies around this site it is because some of the people here are able to see the ''charactertraits'' of codependance within someones post.

It is then up to the original poster to research and take that honest look at their own behaviour patterns, and answer the question, ''Am I suffering from codependance?''

Whether the answer is yes or no is for the reader to decide.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

respektingme

I realize this topic is probably taboo.

I have volunteered in a few organizations in the past. It hasn't been unusual, in my experience, for there to be an established heirarchy of members. Those with longevity and experience are at the top. They have seen it all and usually have great advice. Most have been compassionate. But there have also been a few who have become callous to the all too familiar issues presented by the newcomers, having grown comfortable in their positions of experience.

To clarify regarding some of the responses. I said I have been spoken to as if I am a dolt. I didn't say that I felt like a dolt after being spoken to this way. Big difference. I also said I have come and left before, which is what some have advised.

So, I'm sticking my neck out by even bringing this up, knowing that some will feel defensive. That's not my intention. My intention is merely to shed some light on the subject in the hope that it may benefit some in some way.

No need for a referee that I can see. I'm not paring any individuals off or calling anyone names. I'm simply asking that a little compassion be considered.

Lilyflower

Hi Respektingme,

I understand where your view point comes from. It has been discussed in the past. As good intentioned as it may be, a lot of people will inevitably feel that you are attempting to ''teach'' them a better way to communicate, and this will unfortunately, not always be taken without some form of heated discussion!

Just as when posts appear that seem to 'preach' to the poster about how they live their life, posts about ettiquette can be seen in the same light.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

respektingme

Then I suggest they "''Take what you will and leave the rest''.