Compassion
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
First, I'd like to throw in my vote to make this a sticky, because Second, I'm a newbie also, though I've posted/vented quite a bit in the last month, or six weeks.
I see both sides, but I'm leaning towards the view of the OP. What I mean, is that, what I think she's trying to say, is yes, tell her what's on your mind. But maybe she'd like a little "cream and sugar" with her coffee, instead of "served up strong, black, and scaulding hot". Everyone's personality is different, we're all motivated by different things. "Suck it up" just doesn't work for everybody. "Suck it up" means well, and yeah in the end we all have to "Suck it up", but sometimes you have to "meet a person where they're at".
This takes wisdom, compassion, and humility. I had to learn this lesson the hard way.
Now, I'm not AT ALL saying everyone does this. Here's my view: For the most part, I've had really supportive post. I was very angry and hurt when I first posted, and it was good for people to tell me to keep "getting it out", "keeping throwing up the toxic stuff". As an ACOA, you're taught 'don't tell, don't think, don't feel'. It's so healing for people to say "Yeah, you have the right to your feelings, you have the right to feel angry and hurt".
I think that it's good to have some more 'angry' personalities on here, because they understand my anger, and even validates it a little.
For my overall two cents, most forums have an "ignore" feature, and I've learned to use it! As someone mentioned, this is a public, world-wide forum. That means you're going to get personalities all across the board, in all different stages of recovery, and emotions. We are all here dealing with deep, dark, funky issues. Some deal with sadness. Some deal with humor. Some are going to be quiet (or not write much). Some are going to be angry.
Yeah, I've noticed some strong wordings, but I remind myself they don't know me, they only know what I choose to write. They are responding, based on how THEY see things, what THEY would do. But they aren't me, it's my choice in the end as to what to do, or feel.
And BTW, reading and posting here, I've learned that I HAVE CHOICES! If something isn't working for me, I need to examine my options, quit the pity party (I struggle with self pity), and move forward!
So, I hope the OP sticks around, because if a person needs to share here, they REALLY need the feedback that only others in the same boat can understand. This forum is saving my life right now, and I mean that. The only thing, is that I wish more people would support my post. Sometimes, I only hear from the same few, and I wonder if I've turned people off somehow.
I see both sides, but I'm leaning towards the view of the OP. What I mean, is that, what I think she's trying to say, is yes, tell her what's on your mind. But maybe she'd like a little "cream and sugar" with her coffee, instead of "served up strong, black, and scaulding hot". Everyone's personality is different, we're all motivated by different things. "Suck it up" just doesn't work for everybody. "Suck it up" means well, and yeah in the end we all have to "Suck it up", but sometimes you have to "meet a person where they're at".
This takes wisdom, compassion, and humility. I had to learn this lesson the hard way.
Now, I'm not AT ALL saying everyone does this. Here's my view: For the most part, I've had really supportive post. I was very angry and hurt when I first posted, and it was good for people to tell me to keep "getting it out", "keeping throwing up the toxic stuff". As an ACOA, you're taught 'don't tell, don't think, don't feel'. It's so healing for people to say "Yeah, you have the right to your feelings, you have the right to feel angry and hurt".
I think that it's good to have some more 'angry' personalities on here, because they understand my anger, and even validates it a little.
For my overall two cents, most forums have an "ignore" feature, and I've learned to use it! As someone mentioned, this is a public, world-wide forum. That means you're going to get personalities all across the board, in all different stages of recovery, and emotions. We are all here dealing with deep, dark, funky issues. Some deal with sadness. Some deal with humor. Some are going to be quiet (or not write much). Some are going to be angry.
Yeah, I've noticed some strong wordings, but I remind myself they don't know me, they only know what I choose to write. They are responding, based on how THEY see things, what THEY would do. But they aren't me, it's my choice in the end as to what to do, or feel.
And BTW, reading and posting here, I've learned that I HAVE CHOICES! If something isn't working for me, I need to examine my options, quit the pity party (I struggle with self pity), and move forward!
So, I hope the OP sticks around, because if a person needs to share here, they REALLY need the feedback that only others in the same boat can understand. This forum is saving my life right now, and I mean that. The only thing, is that I wish more people would support my post. Sometimes, I only hear from the same few, and I wonder if I've turned people off somehow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by needtolearn 
But maybe she'd like a little "cream and sugar" with her coffee, instead of "served up strong, black, and scaulding hot". Everyone's personality is different, we're all motivated by different things.
I'm not arguing that the original posters shouldn't scroll and ignore, or take a break, or take the best and leave the rest. I agree!!! Wholeheartedly!!! Everyone is responsible for their own behavior, hence the reason I take short leaves of absence. That's my way of dealing with it.
As this debate continues... I had/have but one agenda, and that is for those who see a post that stirs them up, and race to reply with vigor/rage/insensitivity/control/assumptions/whatever, that they take a breath first and decide how much of their own junk they are spilling out and try to check their motives and how their message will best be received.
I'm not commanding that anyone behave a certain way. I don't expect any big changes because I brought the subject up. I am merely trying to offer a slight suggestion. If you are offended that I brought the subject up, perhaps you should scroll and ignore. Take the best and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
respektingme...don't you dare consider leaving...I for one and I see many others who appreciate your input. I too have been blindsided by a couple of curt responses from those who like to think they are the "experts". They forget that not everyone has the same experience as them. People who are new to recovery deserve the compassion you speak of. Compassion and coddling are two different things. If only we all followed the Golden Rule...life would be so much more simple!
Thanks for bringing it up and I for one appreciate your attempt to remind all of us that we are people too!
Thanks for bringing it up and I for one appreciate your attempt to remind all of us that we are people too!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Respekt: Please don't leave. I get what you're saying. I think we all do. I'm glad you posted this because I've been feeling this way too but didn't have the courage to post it to the general forum. Now when I see a post that I think is ridiculous with their "truth", it's much easier for me to ignore because I know that I'm not crazy to think that they are being plain ol' rude! Since I still wear my codie hat a lot (I'm working on it, but I'm no where near perfect), it's hard not to internalize the harsh posts.
Guess what folks...telling someone to "get over it" and listen to the "harsh truth" is codie behavior too! Control much? Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. If I want to vent about something going on in my life (even if it's something I cannot control), then guess what - I may not need your help to figure it out...I just needed to get it out of my system.
Okay, I'll get off the soapbox. LOL!
Guess what folks...telling someone to "get over it" and listen to the "harsh truth" is codie behavior too! Control much? Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. If I want to vent about something going on in my life (even if it's something I cannot control), then guess what - I may not need your help to figure it out...I just needed to get it out of my system.
Okay, I'll get off the soapbox. LOL!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I had/have but one agenda, and that is for those who see a post that stirs them up, and race to reply with vigor/rage/insensitivity/control/assumptions/whatever, that they take a breath first and decide how much of their own junk they are spilling out and try to check their motives and how their message will best be received.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
This forum is moderated. The reason for that moderation is precisely to control what people post here. For starters, how much pornography do you see around here? If you see _none_ it's because the Moderators control what is posted here. There are abundant forums where there is no control over what people say, and you will find that there is abundant porn on those places.
We also control obscenity in text form, and that is because this forum is open to children. We control the _tone_ of how people write to newcomers, because newcomers have not yet learned to use the "Ignore" feature, because they are coming from a relationship where they are insulted on a daily basis by the tone of their "A", because they have not yet learned that they may be i denial, because they have not yet learned that if they stick it out around here they will find abundant wisdom.
That is why this forum is moderated.
As a number of people have pointed out, if you don't like the rules around here, feel free to find another forum with rules that are more to your liking. If you break the rules enough times, the Moderator will encourage you to find another forum. There's no shortage on the internet.
This forum will remain moderated. If people write with a disrespectful tone, or are otherwise disrespectful to others, those people will get moderated. As an example of such moderation, this thread has evolved into arrogance and disdain towards the needs of others, and is now closed.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery.
We also control obscenity in text form, and that is because this forum is open to children. We control the _tone_ of how people write to newcomers, because newcomers have not yet learned to use the "Ignore" feature, because they are coming from a relationship where they are insulted on a daily basis by the tone of their "A", because they have not yet learned that they may be i denial, because they have not yet learned that if they stick it out around here they will find abundant wisdom.
That is why this forum is moderated.
As a number of people have pointed out, if you don't like the rules around here, feel free to find another forum with rules that are more to your liking. If you break the rules enough times, the Moderator will encourage you to find another forum. There's no shortage on the internet.
This forum will remain moderated. If people write with a disrespectful tone, or are otherwise disrespectful to others, those people will get moderated. As an example of such moderation, this thread has evolved into arrogance and disdain towards the needs of others, and is now closed.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery.
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