why don't I care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
why don't I care
why don't I care? that's the question that's sitting in me. I was aware of it as i went out again yesterday, and still today.
there's something inside of me that has turned off the "care switch". some hurt or pain or abandonment or fear. I've been through my past so many times and surely have to continue to do so I guess, but despite a lot of good work in fourth steps and therapy and journaling, I can't seem to close the gate of "i don't care"
I'm aware of a few of my gates:
1 when I feel bad: lonliness/rejection/abandonment/remorse
2 anger
3 when I feel good
4 boredom
I was thinking of the 'i don't care' as another gate, but as I'm looking at this it appears to come into play for each of the above.
How can I muster up some care?
now i'm filled with remorse and fear. fear of being found out. fear of getting caught in a 'cover-up' lie i made to break a date with my daughter. i'm feel terrible for not showing up. I called and said I was stuck in a big traffic jam and decided not to come because it would have taken me an additional 1/2 hour to get there and I was already 20 minutes late when I first called. How lame. if my ex-wife believes that i'd be suprised.
now i've used 4 times since my 26 days clean. i'm sad about these things
there's something inside of me that has turned off the "care switch". some hurt or pain or abandonment or fear. I've been through my past so many times and surely have to continue to do so I guess, but despite a lot of good work in fourth steps and therapy and journaling, I can't seem to close the gate of "i don't care"
I'm aware of a few of my gates:
1 when I feel bad: lonliness/rejection/abandonment/remorse
2 anger
3 when I feel good
4 boredom
I was thinking of the 'i don't care' as another gate, but as I'm looking at this it appears to come into play for each of the above.
How can I muster up some care?
now i'm filled with remorse and fear. fear of being found out. fear of getting caught in a 'cover-up' lie i made to break a date with my daughter. i'm feel terrible for not showing up. I called and said I was stuck in a big traffic jam and decided not to come because it would have taken me an additional 1/2 hour to get there and I was already 20 minutes late when I first called. How lame. if my ex-wife believes that i'd be suprised.
now i've used 4 times since my 26 days clean. i'm sad about these things
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
If you feel like you're stuck in 'I don't care', have you considered that you might be depressed? I was depressed for years before I began drinking, and I had to get that diagnosed and treated before I could begin to recover. Because, I really didn't care.
I hope you feel better.
I hope you feel better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
what was I thinking? I was thinking about me. Me me me. and that I wanted to use, as I had the night before. I wasn't thinking about her at all, or about the wonderful time we would have had together. she is 6 years old and loves me like a king, lilke the best dad in the world. I do a lot with her.
I want to cry
have i considered that i am depressed? oh I'm aware of the possibility. I don't have the feelings that I'm very familiar with when I'm in depression and stuck and can't get out of it and live in hell for a year or 2 years. those are like a nightmare. I don't feel like a nightmare. i've been having the up and downs of recovery and that's been good and normal, but not depression. thanks for asking the question and letting me take a look at this. if I don't change, my future may have another long depression if I consider my past record, so your question helps remind me of that pain.
in depression I don't feel my feelings anymore. it's all very sad and painful but I don't feel emotions. I've been feeling a lot of emotions and then after so long i run.
thanks for the responses
I want to cry
have i considered that i am depressed? oh I'm aware of the possibility. I don't have the feelings that I'm very familiar with when I'm in depression and stuck and can't get out of it and live in hell for a year or 2 years. those are like a nightmare. I don't feel like a nightmare. i've been having the up and downs of recovery and that's been good and normal, but not depression. thanks for asking the question and letting me take a look at this. if I don't change, my future may have another long depression if I consider my past record, so your question helps remind me of that pain.
in depression I don't feel my feelings anymore. it's all very sad and painful but I don't feel emotions. I've been feeling a lot of emotions and then after so long i run.
thanks for the responses
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
Sorry to hear about your pain, this is a tough journey but you can do it.
The only question I have for you based on what you posted is What are you going to do about it?
Try focusing your energy on a solution rather than past mistakes. If you are depressed, talk to a professional. Attend more meetings, ask for help from your peers. Do whatever it takes to make you healthy.
Sobriety and life in general is a journey, and it takes time. Keep putting one foot forward and you will reach your goals.
The only question I have for you based on what you posted is What are you going to do about it?
Try focusing your energy on a solution rather than past mistakes. If you are depressed, talk to a professional. Attend more meetings, ask for help from your peers. Do whatever it takes to make you healthy.
Sobriety and life in general is a journey, and it takes time. Keep putting one foot forward and you will reach your goals.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 700
The main thing that made me want sobriety more than ever was ...
I really got sick and tired of being sick and tired.. That was my Bottom..
Alcohol couldn't fix it anymore. I found a program that could and it did.
Best of luck to you .. :praying
I really got sick and tired of being sick and tired.. That was my Bottom..
Alcohol couldn't fix it anymore. I found a program that could and it did.
Best of luck to you .. :praying
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
I feel angry a lot.
Angry I wasted the last 15/16 years of my life drinking, wasting money, doing silly things, making myself unwell.
When I put it in perspective though, during that time I met my wife and had two lovely children as well. I've managed to avoid any serious trouble and somehow still have my family, home, job and driving licence.
Don't manage this myself very well, but we have to remember that we can only change tomorrow, nothing we can do about the past.
Angry I wasted the last 15/16 years of my life drinking, wasting money, doing silly things, making myself unwell.
When I put it in perspective though, during that time I met my wife and had two lovely children as well. I've managed to avoid any serious trouble and somehow still have my family, home, job and driving licence.
Don't manage this myself very well, but we have to remember that we can only change tomorrow, nothing we can do about the past.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi -
sounds more to me like a fear of feeling something than actually feeling something.
so it's cut off before actually being felt.
make sense?
We are so WRONG about our emotions.
Emotions are just that .... MOTIONS.
When we squash, stuff, avoid, or generally numb ourselves to MOTions ...
We stagnate.
We rot.
The energy DOES keep it's motion, though...
because we turn in on the self.
And chew away on the self.
Stagnated emotions cause all kinds of disorders....
just like a pipe routed the wrong way through a house dumping water from the light fixtures, if you want to see it that way.
We become overweight.
We avoid others.
We avoid relationships.
We avoid everything.
We live in frear of life, for emotions are a vital part of life.
here's a news flash -
You ... are not your emotions.
you are the being whose emotions add the color,
the depth,
and the variety to your earth experience.
We drink, we use ...
in order not to feel.
Or that's the LIE we tell ourselves.
Because the reality is -
we immerse ourselves in the very pain we try to run from.
And use it as an excuse to keep on destroying ourselves.
In doing that,
we destroy everyone and everything around us as well.
We usually save ourselves for last.
Sounds ridiculous when put that way, doesn't it?
It was very VERY hard for me to learn to say what I felt.
I'd tell you what I THOUGHT in a second.
If asked or not most of the time
But to get me to tell you what I FEEL...
is another thing completely.
In recovery we're facing daily the very elements of life that we chose to run from
or anesthetise ourselves from.
We stand, with the help of those around us,
because we have no other choices left, really.
We stand, we take a deep breath,
and we learn.
it's all we CAN do.
I think you're exactly where you should be.
And I appreciate the honesty of your posts.
sounds more to me like a fear of feeling something than actually feeling something.
so it's cut off before actually being felt.
make sense?
We are so WRONG about our emotions.
Emotions are just that .... MOTIONS.
When we squash, stuff, avoid, or generally numb ourselves to MOTions ...
We stagnate.
We rot.
The energy DOES keep it's motion, though...
because we turn in on the self.
And chew away on the self.
Stagnated emotions cause all kinds of disorders....
just like a pipe routed the wrong way through a house dumping water from the light fixtures, if you want to see it that way.
We become overweight.
We avoid others.
We avoid relationships.
We avoid everything.
We live in frear of life, for emotions are a vital part of life.
here's a news flash -
You ... are not your emotions.
you are the being whose emotions add the color,
the depth,
and the variety to your earth experience.
We drink, we use ...
in order not to feel.
Or that's the LIE we tell ourselves.
Because the reality is -
we immerse ourselves in the very pain we try to run from.
And use it as an excuse to keep on destroying ourselves.
In doing that,
we destroy everyone and everything around us as well.
We usually save ourselves for last.
Sounds ridiculous when put that way, doesn't it?
It was very VERY hard for me to learn to say what I felt.
I'd tell you what I THOUGHT in a second.
If asked or not most of the time
But to get me to tell you what I FEEL...
is another thing completely.
In recovery we're facing daily the very elements of life that we chose to run from
or anesthetise ourselves from.
We stand, with the help of those around us,
because we have no other choices left, really.
We stand, we take a deep breath,
and we learn.
it's all we CAN do.
I think you're exactly where you should be.
And I appreciate the honesty of your posts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
oh my gosh barb - you just said it all for me and so much better than I could have. Thank you so much...hope you don't mind I'm printting that one out to read on my next emotional day....thank you thank you thank you....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
I really appreciate all the responses,
I'm feeling much better right now. I saw my daughter tonight as my ex wife must have bought in to the lie (though she probably has the suspiscion that I was getting high). and I talked with my GF a while ago and she doesn't know. I can just let the overt and covert coverups go and get on with my recovery again.
so many times I have used and somehow made it through the cracks and not got in trouble with the law or been found out. I've had so many second chances. I do want very much to get things right.
in therapy tonight it was pointed out that I am recreating the feelings of excitement and shame and relief that I lived with in my childhood during some abusive behavior from some adults. It gave me a realization more clear than i've had before. our conversation actually was driven by the answers I had written out from a posting someone had put on this website about "4 questions about my addiction".
what I look for most in my addiction is Excitement (presently the excitement of getting the drug is the most exciting part of using), the Power (it is the power of my feelings that are running the show and that i am letting control my behavior of using again), and the Relief (relief from the constant chatter in my mind)
thanks everybody...Today was/is a sucessful day 1 (again). I will stay in this day and then let tomorrow unfold, tomorrow. I do have a good template for tomorrow that should help me stay clean.
bottom line...I have to let my uncomfortable feelings sit in me when they are there and I need to not let them control my addictive behaviors.
I'm feeling much better right now. I saw my daughter tonight as my ex wife must have bought in to the lie (though she probably has the suspiscion that I was getting high). and I talked with my GF a while ago and she doesn't know. I can just let the overt and covert coverups go and get on with my recovery again.
so many times I have used and somehow made it through the cracks and not got in trouble with the law or been found out. I've had so many second chances. I do want very much to get things right.
in therapy tonight it was pointed out that I am recreating the feelings of excitement and shame and relief that I lived with in my childhood during some abusive behavior from some adults. It gave me a realization more clear than i've had before. our conversation actually was driven by the answers I had written out from a posting someone had put on this website about "4 questions about my addiction".
what I look for most in my addiction is Excitement (presently the excitement of getting the drug is the most exciting part of using), the Power (it is the power of my feelings that are running the show and that i am letting control my behavior of using again), and the Relief (relief from the constant chatter in my mind)
thanks everybody...Today was/is a sucessful day 1 (again). I will stay in this day and then let tomorrow unfold, tomorrow. I do have a good template for tomorrow that should help me stay clean.
bottom line...I have to let my uncomfortable feelings sit in me when they are there and I need to not let them control my addictive behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Can't really do much better than the above posts. Barb's is exquisite.
And please do not rule out depression. The only way to sort through that is to quit using, I'm afraid. While using, I find it impossible to figure out what I am feeling.
I do think that without caring for ourselves it is impossible to really care for others and for the journey we are on. Add addiction, and we are just a passenger on a train that will most certainly derail.
You have a right to live. You have the ability to care. Your daughter isn't stupid. You are a great person. Kids are rarely wrong when it comes to sizing up adults. Accept it. Care for yourself and all else will follow.
warren
And please do not rule out depression. The only way to sort through that is to quit using, I'm afraid. While using, I find it impossible to figure out what I am feeling.
I do think that without caring for ourselves it is impossible to really care for others and for the journey we are on. Add addiction, and we are just a passenger on a train that will most certainly derail.
You have a right to live. You have the ability to care. Your daughter isn't stupid. You are a great person. Kids are rarely wrong when it comes to sizing up adults. Accept it. Care for yourself and all else will follow.
warren
Grateful to be Clean and Free!
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Lethbridge, Alberta
Posts: 3
I would just like to mention what I did...I had so many hurts, resentments, fear, and guilt. I know that each day that I overcame the urge to use I felt better about myself. It feels good not to be ashamed of anything. I also learnt to try each day to be the best I can be...and instead of being selfish I try to care about others....listen to them, make someone smile...even a stranger...it makes me feel good about myself and I feel like I accomplished something.
Nothing came easy to me at first, it was a lifestyle change, I didn't care about anything or anyone...I wanted to die. Now everyday, I try to turn the focus away from me and think of others. A single smile or kind gesture can brighten someones day or maybe even save their life.
I also learnt that people do forgive me for what I did yesterday, sure they may not forget, but each day they see a changed person who has made them proud!
I'm not sure if this helps...I hope so...you're in my thoughts...for once I was you...
Joyfuladdict
Nothing came easy to me at first, it was a lifestyle change, I didn't care about anything or anyone...I wanted to die. Now everyday, I try to turn the focus away from me and think of others. A single smile or kind gesture can brighten someones day or maybe even save their life.
I also learnt that people do forgive me for what I did yesterday, sure they may not forget, but each day they see a changed person who has made them proud!
I'm not sure if this helps...I hope so...you're in my thoughts...for once I was you...
Joyfuladdict
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