I really appreciate all the responses,
I'm feeling much better right now. I saw my daughter tonight as my ex wife must have bought in to the lie (though she probably has the suspiscion that I was getting high). and I talked with my GF a while ago and she doesn't know. I can just let the overt and covert coverups go and get on with my recovery again.
so many times I have used and somehow made it through the cracks and not got in trouble with the law or been found out. I've had so many second chances. I do want very much to get things right.
in therapy tonight it was pointed out that I am recreating the feelings of excitement and shame and relief that I lived with in my childhood during some abusive behavior from some adults. It gave me a realization more clear than i've had before. our conversation actually was driven by the answers I had written out from a posting someone had put on this website about "4 questions about my addiction".
what I look for most in my addiction is Excitement (presently the excitement of getting the drug is the most exciting part of using), the Power (it is the power of my feelings that are running the show and that i am letting control my behavior of using again), and the Relief (relief from the constant chatter in my mind)
thanks everybody...Today was/is a sucessful day 1 (again). I will stay in this day and then let tomorrow unfold, tomorrow. I do have a good template for tomorrow that should help me stay clean.
bottom line...I have to let my uncomfortable feelings sit in me when they are there and I need to not let them control my addictive behaviors.