lexusgirl

Exabf just txted me inquiring about my meeting with my son yesterday. I so badly want to tell him, as he knows the whole sad story and I feel I can confide in him, BUT, I'm working on no contact. He txted me five days ago and I didn't respond, but this is a little more personal as it's regarding my son.

Help! Tell me again why not to respond. I want so badly to tell him all about it.

Thanks for reading

grateful2b

Telling him could put you in a vunerable place, Lexus...what are you hoping from him by telling him . you had a good reason for deciding on no contact, why make the exception...
tell us instead.. I would love to hear how things are going with you and your son...

CarolD

Hmm...
In my world....ex means ex
as in excluded from my life.

Write him a letter...then burn it.

lexusgirl

Thank you so much grateful I guess because it was something so intimate that I shared with him; he said he always prayed and that he knew seeing my son was the most important thing to me.

I told him so much about my son, and guess I want to share that with him, but I have to remember he will probably twist it all around as usual.

LaTeeDa

My experience with active alcoholics is they know my vulnerable spots. When I open up and share the things that mean the most to me, I am handing them a loaded weapon and asking them to shoot me.

L

i4getsm

In your mind, you are probably thinking "how sweet - he called to check on my son since he knows that so important to me". Honesty = He would be celebrating this experience with you right now if he was able to get into recovery. You broke up with him for a reason(s). I think this is a way to get you sucked back in and a way to create a connection again (telling him how the next meeting goes, and the next meeting, etc. KWIM?)

I would love to hear how things went with you and your son. Please tell us! I've been wondering ever since your last meeting with him.

lexusgirl

Thank you very much for your honest replies!:ghug2

Well there is so much going on in my head regarding our visit. I got him a pre paid cell phone so we could keep in touch and he was really happy about that. This counseling session was our last and the counselor wanted to move on to possibly setting up a weekend visit from there.

My son said his Dad would not allow him to visit me and only when he felt the time was right. He's such a control freak. My son is almost an adult and I explained that to him but either he fears his father's reaction if he was to say he wanted to go visit me or he is respecting him. The counselor agreed and said we didn't know which one of those two it was yet.

I think he fears him. So I have no way of setting this in stone with the courts as he is almost 18. His father purposely waited and withheld the reunification counseling which was supposed to take place over a year ago because he knew my son would be an adult.

I'm afraid if my son doesn't stand up for himself I may never get to see him again...He is not very brave when it comes to his father.

But other then that my heart started to open up a little and I didn't feel so numb and all the other weird feelings I described on my last thread. I still can't see the little boy I once knew, but he's in there somewhere.

So a lot of mixed emotions yesterday.

NYC_Chick

Hey Lex: Hang in there! Remember the good that has happened in your life since you started taking care of you!

sailorjohn

Because you know, we know, they just throw those hooks out. And they will do whatever it takes. I have to start looking at it the same way I view my drinking, I can't just have a little taste. What harm would it cause to reply to one little text message? I can have one little drink, right?

peaceteach

My experience echoes LaTeeDa's. I stopped sharing anything about myself years ago with my exhusband for that reason. I didn't want him to know anything more about me because it would be like LTD says--try to avoid having that happen, Lex. You are doing so well, better than you realize, I imagine.

lexusgirl

Ok so I tried to ignore the txts but finally replied. And you were all so so right. It ends up he is over at his A Uncle's house. They usually have out of control parties and in the past he has slept with random girls there. (prior to us going out.)

I think he was with one tonight. Wow...that hurts...this thing with my son hurts. I just don't know how much hurt I can take.

I should have ignored him. I relapsed and I was doing so good. Now I know he's with other women and I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but it still hurts.

splendra

Amen my sister...

bookwyrm

I need to remember this. Next time I forget, I'll write it out a thousand times!

(((((lexusgirl))))) Hang in there.

NYC_Chick

Hang in there Lex! We've all been there to some extent.

Don't worry about who he is with. I used to drive myself crazy with these thoughts. He may be and he may not be hooking up with other women. If he is, what is she really getting?

grateful2b

yes , he is...
Lexus, thank you for sharing about your son...I am sorry this is so difficult ..
keep your heart open...I believe the time will come when the path will clear for you and your son to rebuild your relationship....prayers and big, big, mom hugs,
grateful

Kindeyes

Lex
Thanks for updating us about your son and the reconciliation sessions. Once he turns 18 he will soon realize that he makes up his own mind and can have a relationship with whomever he pleases. His father will slowly lose the grasp that he has on him and perhaps that is when your relationship with him will blossom.

As far as the ex goes........yup......you "relapsed" but I do that too. It's one day at a time for us too and we have to learn from our relapses and move forward. Alcoholics are like sharks.......they can smell our vunerability.

Big hugs

i4getsm

Thank you for the update on your son! I believe that you will be able to establish the relationship with your son. His excitement over the calling card shows that he wants contact. Don't give up hope. Just keep trying and keep praying. You'll find your little boy again. (((HUGS)))

As for xabf, yep, you relapsed, but so have I. It's hard to think that they are moving on, but I keep trying to remind myself that I need to move on too. Continuing on that merry-go-round is not something I enjoy doing...even if I find myself on there every once in awhile. You're doing good. Without hurt, we wouldn't really understand true joy. Hang in there.

peaceteach

If you can be just a little patient for a little while longer, Lex, he will be off to college within the next year or two, right? I envision him feeling much more free to talk and communicate with you when he has a chance to start running his own life without interference. Meanwhile, take the interim time to continue to work on yourself, your new home, your new job, and your new "Lex" life. Your own healing may take a year or two, having experienced all that you have. Make your place a place of peace and joy, and love for you. Your son will love visiting YOU in that place. Motherhood never ends, trust me-lol! I thought for sure it was so over when my daughter went off to college, I actually went into mourning. It didn't end at all and continues to be so fun and interesting with young adults. There is just so much more to look forward to in your life, Lex, with your son. Finish mourning the past, and then take it from today forward. Time will be such a healing factor.

lexusgirl

I tried to reiterate to him that he is able to make his own choices, and he knows this, but his dad has a lot of control over him. The church they attend is like a cult. I thought he'd break away too when he was getting closer to 18, but all he does is try to change the subject with me. It's probably only a matter of time until his dad takes away the cell phone I bought him.

Also they want to send him to a very very fundamentalist, independent college in which you basically get a degree in ministries. My son is so naive. I told him I looked up the college on the internet and I didn't think it was something he'd be intersted in and he's not, but he's afraid to speak up.

I think they are trying to send him away (the college is in CA) so we can't have contact.

His father is insane. I had a terrible day today and I don't know how much of this pain I can take. It never ends. Finally I get some contact only to find out his dad is still playing his games. It's so depressing and such a let down.

grateful2b

************{lexus}}}}}}}