Kindeyes

Reading one of the posts of someone new here on SR made me reflect on my past behaviors. Crazy....and I do mean CRAZY behaviors that didn't seem crazy at all at the time. In fact, they seemed logical and expected and normal.

Here are a couple of the things I did that were the actions of an insane mother trying to "protect" her son from himself.

When my son was put in jail for a DUI, he called me and demanded to be bailed out.....immediately. This was at 3:00 in the morning. I left the warmth of my bed and tried to bail him out....walking around the dirty, dangerous streets of the city in the dark. When I found that I didn't have enough CASH to bail him out, I continued to walk the streets banging on the doors of bail bondsmen. None of whom answered my knocks even though their signs said "OPEN". I didn't go to work that day. I continued all day to try to get him out. I went to the jail and tried to see him. They wouldn't let me. I even tried to cajole the officer at the jail....turning on all my charm.....to try to get in to see my son. No go. I did bail out his car from the impound....which reeked of alcohol. My HP was working on me that day.

Another crazy one....

My son was going to start a new job on Monday. On Sunday, he comes to my house and announces that his car.....which he had parked in a tow away zone......was impounded. Actually, it was his rental car, HIS car was in the repair shop due to body damage (I can't remember how his car was damaged and it probably wasn't the truth anyway.) I called the impound lot and demanded to get the car out. I talked with almost everyone there. Insulted them. Yelled at them. Threatened them. Called the police on them (yup...really). I finally went on the internet, found out who OWNED the impound lot. And the people who OWNED the impound lot ALSO owned the repair shop where my son's car was being repaired. I realized that they were a customer of MY business so I had their HOME telephone number. I called them at home!!! (yup....really). And DEMANDED my son's rental car. The guy was nice enough to loan a car to my son so that he could get to his new job the next day. The next day......again.....I didn't go to work. I spent the day going to the rental place to get a NOTARIZED statement that the car in the impound was really rented to my son. And took it to the impound lot (dragged my poor husband along as an accomplice in this insanity) and got the car out. IN ADDITION, I never sent an apology or thank you note to the owner's of the repair shop/impound lot. Why? Because I thought they were in the wrong. Needless to say, they have never returned to my business and I'm sure that they tell everyone they know about the crazy lady. How embarrassing! Talk about cutting off my nose to spite my FACE!

The thing that is so strange about those situations is that it seemed so "normal" and "necessary" at the time. Looking back........I just shake my head. I was crazy. That is what my son's alcoholism/addiction did to ME.

I don't EVER want to go back to that terrible condition. I don't ever want to feel like I did during those times. I feel good today. I feel SANE today. And I know that by changing ME.......I have given my son the chance for recovery. I am letting him walk his path. I am setting boundaries (and better yet.....sticking to them). I am not judging him. I am concentrating on ME. I still slip up occasionally and begin to fall into those codie behaviors but I can recognize it and FEEL it and stop myself. I can hand my son over to my HP.

Recovery feels good.

Lilyflower

I know exactly what you mean Kindeyes. I sometimes feel like I just do not know that person who when she stood up for herself, would be emotionally and verbally abused and end up begging for forgiveness, and I mean BEG, pleading and promising how I would change and not act so again.

All the times when he would spend all our money, take cash out of our account, leave us short for bills and no money for food, and I would still buy him tobacco, or loan money from my parents, and walk to work (1hour away).

At times it seems like another lifetime away. I feel disconnected from all that happened then, like it was not me it happened to. I cannot understand why I did what I did. Did I really act that way because I truely thought he loved me and I didn't want to be alone??? I can't believe I really thought that was love! :wtf2

I have come such a long way in such a short time, and I continue to grow.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SugarLily

I need this thread today, I've been feeling weak.

Acts of crazy

1. Constant ringing of ex to check where he is.
2. Constant driving past ex's pub pretending I wasn't looking for him
3. Hiding my car to make sure he couldn't take it
4. Hiding my bank cards in the freezer
5. Cutting my leg
6. Writing deep rambling letters about how he is making me feel
7. Thinking nothing of being woken at 3am to pick him up
8. Being scared to nag as he would go the pub as punishment
9. Hiding TV remotes so that I can have a peaceful nights sleep
10. If he said he'd be home at 9.30 I would ring to complain at 9.30 on the dot
11. Driving to the pub begging him to come home and leaving in tears when he refused
12. Thinking it was acceptable that he stayed in the pub instead of comfort me when my parents divorced
13. Calling ALL of his friends when he went awol and not being embarrassed
14. Accepting that sitting at work with bloodshot eyes and crying in the bathroom was "normal"
15. Picking him and our dog up when he decided to take him for a walk miles away at 4am
16. Not believing I deserved better

This weekend is hard though, I went to empty my house and wait for the auctioneers, I swear I broke down on the wooden floorboards.

Stupidly today I have been wondering "was he all that bad?"

cem001

Acts of crazy that I have been guilty of.

1. Driving by the bar (that was owned by a one time friend) to see if he was there again.
2. Checking phone records to see who he's talking to and for how long.
3. Making his excuses.
4. Buying his booze
5. Following him out on a job to see if he goes by "her" house.
6. Calling him non-stop while he's at home "resting/sleeping".
7. Calling the bar asking if he's there (and of course their answer always is, if the drunk wants them to know he's here that's one thing but lie if they don't want their spouse to know they are there.
8. Reading his 4th Step.
9. Go to the bar, and beat the crap out of his 350 ford truck. Breaking my hand all the while.


And a whole lot of what SugarLily has done.

Thank goodness for al-anon and some sanity in my life.

Kindeyes

Oh believe me....I've done all of those things listed and more. The two incidents I pointed out happened in the height of my insanty. Isn't it amazing how 20/20 hindsight is so very clear. I hope we are all able to stop those crazy making behaviors and live life.

gentle hugs to all of you

Bernadette

Kindeyes--
Wow - brilliant post. Thank you for your honesty and self-reflection! Ugh! The insane compulsion to react and fix and hop-to when they are in crisis! It's a painful hike to get away from that behavior, no doubt, but man is it worth it! You really illustrate that perfectly!
Peace-
B.

i4getsm

Wow...I've done a lot of the things you have mentioned. Checked phone records, driven by the bar, called exactly when he should have been home, called his friends if he didn't answer, etc. I'm still working things through and still find it hard to believe that those were dumb things to do. I know, I know. I have no control over another human being.
guess I need to do some more reading, right?

baileyboop

I have done most all of these things too. Especially the back to back phone calls and going through telephones/ financial records, ect.. I found that it was pure torture to do those things to oneself...While you might find what you are seeking to be true...it sure hurts like heck once you have the answers you were looking for..then of course, you feel compelled to act upon it.. At the time, I thought I really needed those answers. I have found through time that some stones are just better left unturned...

chrisea

I met up with the attorney after work at like 10:30 pm, over coffee at a coffee shop, trying to bail his sorry a** out.

the further you are away from this the more you realize, how nutz it was. But more importantly today, is to Bless the ground I am on now & the peace I have... and to only look back to remember not to do that again...

3 yrs+ ~ I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.

SailorKaren

I'll add one: Having to hide my ex's pistol in my sock drawer for fear in her drunken anger she would use it on me. She had been drinking while fishing with a friend all afternoon, and by evening, she was bumping into walls and dropped a container of marinade all over the floor. I said, partly in jest, "You're drunk!" She became highly offended, and started slamming dishes and mumbling loudly. I don't know why, but I remember suddenly feeling very unsafe, and considered leaving the house to stay with friends. Instead, I chose to hide her weapon. It stayed in my sock drawer for many weeks before I felt OK about putting in back in her nightstand drawer. She never missed it, and I never told her I had moved it. Wow, I'd forgotten about this. Wow. Crazy. Scary.