Looking back.....
Reading one of the posts of someone new here on SR made me reflect on my past behaviors. Crazy....and I do mean CRAZY behaviors that didn't seem crazy at all at the time. In fact, they seemed logical and expected and normal.
Here are a couple of the things I did that were the actions of an insane mother trying to "protect" her son from himself.
When my son was put in jail for a DUI, he called me and demanded to be bailed out.....immediately. This was at 3:00 in the morning. I left the warmth of my bed and tried to bail him out....walking around the dirty, dangerous streets of the city in the dark. When I found that I didn't have enough CASH to bail him out, I continued to walk the streets banging on the doors of bail bondsmen. None of whom answered my knocks even though their signs said "OPEN". I didn't go to work that day. I continued all day to try to get him out. I went to the jail and tried to see him. They wouldn't let me. I even tried to cajole the officer at the jail....turning on all my charm.....to try to get in to see my son. No go. I did bail out his car from the impound....which reeked of alcohol. My HP was working on me that day.
Another crazy one....
My son was going to start a new job on Monday. On Sunday, he comes to my house and announces that his car.....which he had parked in a tow away zone......was impounded. Actually, it was his rental car, HIS car was in the repair shop due to body damage (I can't remember how his car was damaged and it probably wasn't the truth anyway.) I called the impound lot and demanded to get the car out. I talked with almost everyone there. Insulted them. Yelled at them. Threatened them. Called the police on them (yup...really). I finally went on the internet, found out who OWNED the impound lot. And the people who OWNED the impound lot ALSO owned the repair shop where my son's car was being repaired. I realized that they were a customer of MY business so I had their HOME telephone number. I called them at home!!! (yup....really). And DEMANDED my son's rental car. The guy was nice enough to loan a car to my son so that he could get to his new job the next day. The next day......again.....I didn't go to work. I spent the day going to the rental place to get a NOTARIZED statement that the car in the impound was really rented to my son. And took it to the impound lot (dragged my poor husband along as an accomplice in this insanity) and got the car out. IN ADDITION, I never sent an apology or thank you note to the owner's of the repair shop/impound lot. Why? Because I thought they were in the wrong. Needless to say, they have never returned to my business and I'm sure that they tell everyone they know about the crazy lady. How embarrassing! Talk about cutting off my nose to spite my FACE!
The thing that is so strange about those situations is that it seemed so "normal" and "necessary" at the time. Looking back........I just shake my head. I was crazy. That is what my son's alcoholism/addiction did to ME.
I don't EVER want to go back to that terrible condition. I don't ever want to feel like I did during those times. I feel good today. I feel SANE today. And I know that by changing ME.......I have given my son the chance for recovery. I am letting him walk his path. I am setting boundaries (and better yet.....sticking to them). I am not judging him. I am concentrating on ME. I still slip up occasionally and begin to fall into those codie behaviors but I can recognize it and FEEL it and stop myself. I can hand my son over to my HP.
Recovery feels good.