HideorSeek

Well, I blew it again last night and I'm really ashamed of myself this morning. I know what alcohol does to me and I am aware of my triggers, but I chose to ignore my better side. I was pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. God, I am an idiot and although I am embarassed to post this, I feel I have to come clean to all of you. Thank you for listening

flgirl

HideorSeek,

You are NOT an idiot. I am glad that you are here.

Rella927

Nope not an idiot at all! This is a horrible disease and it takes time-do not beat yourself up and acknowledge and pat yourself on the back that you are AWARE! And then pick up and move on-start over....one day a time!

You are here...you are aware...you came clean....that is important!

Honu

Whew! You sound just like me one week ago today! Don't be embarrassed! You are amongst friends! There's not one person here who does not understand, or who will not support you! At least you're being honest (big thing), and care enough about yourself to start over again.

I can't even count the number of "Day 1"'s I've had.

Hang in there!!!!

:ghug3

Honu

HideorSeek

Thank you both. I know what I have to do and that is surrender completely. This pickle is never going to be a cucumber again. What is hard for me to accept is that I go to AA, therapy and hang out here, on SR, daily. When I think rationally, I am OK. But when I get impulsive, or feel sorry for myself, I just cave. But, I will start again and will continue to give my best effort. It's all I can do. Thank you for being there for me.

serenityqueen

(((HideorSeek)))

You're not an idiot . . . . just an alcoholic.

Learn from your relapse, learn from your mistakes.

The pity pot is a dangerous place to sit. Whenever I start to feel as though I want to take a seat on it, I begin a gratitude list. I always find it pretty hard to feel sorry for myself when I look at what I have been Blessed with.

Do you have any phone numbers from others in the Program? Do you have a Sponsor? These are vital to successful Recovery, in my opinion. Get some numbers and make it a point to call at least one or two a day, just to say hi. This way, when you feel like you want to drink the phone won't be so heavy.

Don't dwell on your slip too long . . . it will only keep you miserable. Misery and using are one in the same to me.


God Bless,
Judy

least

Yep, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again. No one is a loser who keeps trying.:ghug3

CarolD

I know the AA Steps were the beginning of my solid sobriety.
I strongly suggest you start at Step 1
with a sponsor and get busy.

You too can recover...

best

Idiot or not...

You can do it. I know this because I have.
How many phone numbers did you collect at your meetings?

Use them so you can find the support and encouragement to not pick up that first one.

mle-sober

HIde,

I read your post and felt sad for how you're beating yourself up. I thought I would try to reply and give you some words of encouragement. But as I scrolled down and read others' responses, I had to hit "thanks" every time because each of them were putting it better than I could. No one's judging you here. You're among friends that understand the strugggle. Just get back up on that horse. We're here. And it's so important that you're being honest. So you need to give yourself credit for that.

Hang in there,
MLE

HideorSeek

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I do have phone numbers and I do have a sponsor as well. I'm not particularly close to my sponsor and have been thinking about getting an additional one. We don't go to the same meetings and, although I call her every day, I haven't actually seen her in probably 5 months. I'm NOT good at calling people in the program (I think that they will think me a loser-although I have never thought that of anyone...if anything I admire their courage and honesty). One of the reasons I like SR is because there are so many who are just starting out. The people at my meetings are old timers...very few within the 1st few YEARS of their sobriety. So I feel very alone with the struggle of these early days. I know that despite anyone's length of sobriety, everyone has had a first day, week, etc., but still I find it incredibly difficult to ask for help and admit my frailty. It is a weakness that I will have to conquer, I realize that. I just need a big dose of courage to announce that I am NOT fine. Thank you all for being there for me.:praying

mle-sober

Hide,

Wow, that would be difficult if my meetings were mostly populated with old timers and there weren't many people who were struggling with the first days, weeks, months. I feel for you. I'm sorry that's your situation right now.

Your insight about how you never judge others who make a phone call and you admire their courage but then you judge yourself is also admirable.

Do you do much reading? I've found some really helpful stuff in my bookstore about getting sober. Have you ever looked for books that might offer you daily support for the initial struggle of getting sober? I don't know - just brainstorming.

Hang tough. Be gentle with yourself.

- MLE

HideorSeek

Thanks Mle! I can't tell you how much these responses mean to me. Alcoholism can be such a lonely disease, if we let it. I know it's in my best interest to reach out, it's just so hard for me. To answer your question...I do love to read. I finished "Eat, Pray, Love" and while it's not about addictions, I found it truly inspiring. I'm in the middle of Eckhart Tolle's "the Power of Now" and, it too, is empowering. In the latter, he encourages people to find their "center" (apart from thoughts and emotions). By doing this, we can realize how transitory our thoughts, feelings and desires are. We are truly whole in this place (minus the ego). By focusing on the "now", we are free from the past (resentment, guilt, regret) as well as the future (worry, yearning, etc.). That makes sense to me and I can do this, but only for brief periods. Like I said b4, my impulsivity and emotions (anger, pity pot) are my downfalls (well, at least some of them LOL). I loved Caroline Knapp's book: "Drinking, a love affair", which is obviously more on topic. But I appreciate your suggestion and will look the next time I'm at a bookstore. Did you have any in mind that have been helpful for you? Thank you again for your help!

mle-sober

That's funny! I just finished Eat, Pray, Love also. And I do think it's relevant, for sure. And entertaining at the same time!

I haven't read the others you just named but have heard of Tolle and also Knapp. I'm afriad of those two books! I'm afraid of The Power of Now - that I won't be able to understand it or will get frustrated by it and my inability to follow his directions! ( :

With Knapp, I'm afraid it will make me want to drink with all its talk about drinking. Right now, I can barely see a wine bottle in a movie without struggle.

I'm reading A Place Called Self - Women, Sobriety and Radical Transformation by Stephanie Brown. It has a companion workbook that I doing. I'm feeling pretty moved by it. Maybe see if you have a copy in your bookstore that you can look through?

- MLE

Honu

Those books scare the living crud out of me, too. I don't know of the one by Stephanie Brown, but, I'm reading one now called "Get Out Of That Pit", by Beth Moore. It is awesome. It's really helping me with all of this.....incredible. My shrink recommended it, and I can't put it down.

Do what ever it takes, though!!! Keep your eyes on your goals!

Honu

HideorSeek

Thanks Honu and Mle! I will look for those this week. Aaarg, I just wrote a long reply to both of you and it "unregistered me" and I lost it!!! This has happened before and it's very frustrating! I will retype my reply a little later!

CarolD

Tips on posting...
Make sure the box is checked by the Log In feature.

When I want to type a long reply
I do it in Word ...edit...and then Copy & Paste here.
That way you can also save to your DocFiles.

CarolD

For books about alcoholism.....

Since I read "Under The Influence" by Milam & Ketcham
I have not had another drink.
It wxplained to me why I continued to drink tho I wanted to quit.

We have excerpts as a sticky post in our Alcoholism Forum.

There is also a sequel...."Beyond The Influence" by Ketcham & ???

Amazon usually carries both.

HideorSeek

OK, let me try this again. Thanks Carol for the tip! Anyways, Tolle's book is pretty simple really. It's pretty much a version of Buddhist/Zen/eastern philosophies. Anyone remember Alan Watts (college reading for me)? Essentially, what we are all seeking is not to be found externally (material possessions, accomplishments, etc) but within ourselves. Also recognizing paradoxes...one side of the coin can't exist without the other, victory through surrender, that kind of thing.

A funny story about Knapp's book...About 10 years ago, I was in a bookstore and picked up a copy and read a random bit. It scared the **** out of me. I quickly shut it and fled the store. A few days later, I crept back in, casually sauntered over to the book and, after looking left and right to make certain that no one was watching me, again read a random selection. It scared me even more because I was reading all about me! Again, I flung it down and fled the store. Fast forward about 5 years, and by this time, I knew that I had a PROBLEM and went to buy the book. Being the good alky, I chose a few novels and sandwiched her book in the middle. When I got home, I read the whole thing in one sitting. She was so humble, honest and courageous. Unfortunately, my copy was missing a CHUNK of pages and I really wanted to read the whole thing. So I had to go BACK to the bookstore, SHOW the clerk my copy, GO to the addictions section and get another, bring it BACK and SHOW the clerk for his OK. Someone was trying to tell me something, ya think...:wtf2

Wolfchild

Welcome!
Please don't get stuck in who and how you will ask for help staying sober.
Just ask, take the risk, and give yourself a break.
Keep coming back!