Whew, What a Ride! It's OVER!!!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 321
Whew, What a Ride! It's OVER!!!
Hello to everyone. I'm new here at SR. I'm grateful that this online community is available!
Just a bit about me, and my "love" of alcohol:
I grew up in the South, parents were "teetottlers", father was a WWII dad (non-emotional and unavailable), yet worked 3 jobs to provide for his family. Mom was co-dependent, and did her best to make up for the unavailablity of Dad. When I was 14, I was a snoop, and found an anonymous letter sent to Mom in the mail, that Dad had another woman. My mother knew I read the letter, yet, nothing ever changed, nothing was ever said to me, it was as if nothing had happened. They stayed married until their deaths. I never saw them argue, disagree, nothing but the Cleavers...always happy. My father's 2 brother's were alcoholics, as well as his father (who died when he was 11 from falling off of a truck coming home from a "***** tonk", died 2 days later of internal injuries), and my mother had 2 alcoholic brothers.
I learned that 1) people don't fight, and to avoid confrontation if it ever came up, 2) if I was IN a confrontation, it meant that something was wrong with me, 3) if I ever needed Dad's attention/approval, I had to WORK for it, fostering intense codependency.
My uncles would come over drunk, laughing and having a good time. My Dad was always so serious, so intense, I really liked my uncles. They were FUN. I decided that nothing was wrong with drinking then, I'd rather be happy and laughing, than live like my mother was with my stern father.
My first experience drinking was at my friend's house (her parents drank, mine didn't), and it was at the same age as the "letter". We mixed her parent's Tom Collins, then, moved onto orange juice with vodka, then, ran out of that, and mixed TANG, (without water!), until I passed out, then got sick, and my dad came to get me. Nothing was ever said to me. Maybe they thought I'd learned my lesson. All I knew, was that I liked it. Even considering getting sick.
Fast forward to high school/college, I only wanted to have fun. Party. I had no desire to get a degree, have a career, nothing. I went to college because I had heard that you didn't even have to attend classes. So, I didn't. I remember waking up on the campus grounds several times, never made it back to the dorm. Also, I never declared a major, just didn't know what I wanted to do. I was raised to believe that I would simply marry, have kids, and be like my mom. I even went to Charm School in the 10th grade!!!
As my friends became "mature", started getting married, I thought to myself, "not me!" I didn't trust any man. I didn't date much at all. I went to parties, drank and just had a good time. I had to find new friends, and each time, they "matured" and I didn't, and I had to find new ones again.
Eventually, I landed a job that was a gold mine for partying. I've been in that job for 25 years. It's the only thing I've stayed with! (Except, of course for drinking). When I ran out of friends (who couldn't or wouldn't keep up with me, I'd move.) I've lived in 16 places, and to different states 8 times, just since 1983!
As I have gotten older, and more "mature" at drinking, it has become more isolating. I have made the "mature" decisions, to only drink at home, never drive after one drink, I stay off the phone and internet, and keep to myself. It isn't fun to drink with people anymore, because they simply can't or don't keep up. I never want to stop. So, alone, I can consume more in a shorter time, not **** anyone off, and no one ever knows. Right? No one gets hurt, Right? How's that for maturity??
Through the years, I have lost my mother at age 30, my father at age 37, (both from brain tumors), and my dog 2 years after my father, also a brain tumor. God hated me. So, my friend was my wine bottle. I calculated how much I could drink each day for the rest of my life with the little I got after he died. I figured I'd die first, and have enough money left for the wooden box for myself.
I was so alone, and depressed, I checked myself into a rehab in 1999. I decided to do what they said for one year, and give it 100%, and if it didn't work, I'd have permission to die. As soon as I got there, I'd found my new addiction. PEOPLE. So many hurting people there, I could fix them all. I couldn't fix my parents from their cancer, but, surely, I could make restitution with God if I could fix these addicts/alcoholics. I was in heaven. Didn't even want a drink.
I got hooked up with this guy, also in treatment, he liked pain killers. But, I thought he was there to get better, like I was, but found out that he was forced there, legally. It didn't matter. We were happy. Blissful. Everyone said it was a mistake, but they just didn't understand. We loved each other. (Ever heard that before??) He relapsed 3-4 times, lost 3 jobs, and finally, I had had enough, and left him 1 1/2 years ago.
I attended AA with him, (open meetings), as well as Al Anon, and was determined to fix him. I started drinking when he'd go out of town, and then dispose of the evidence before he got home. He never knew. I was just stressed. Living with an addict is very difficult, and I just needed a little glass of wine. (Which, means, to me, a BIG bottle). When I'd go out of town, I'd do the same thing. Get trashed in my hotel room, alone. Safe.
Since being away from him, I have gotten trashed every single night for over a year. I even started adding vodka with diet tonics to cut calories. What kind of rationalization, 'trying to control' is that? The end result is always the same. Also, after moving here 1 1/2 years ago, the "letter" re-surfaced in the bottom of a cedar chest, complete, still in the 3 cent postage envelope. So, my "denial" hit me in the face, really hard. Truths about my life started to re-surface at warp speed. I couldn't slow it down, couldn't handle the truth, and drank even more.
I have missed out on life, I have let alcohol, and my desire to "have fun" dictate my life for too many years. All I know now, is that I am now 48 years old, never got married, no children, no family, and my "wine bottle friend" isn't a friend at all. It has cost me my life.
I have told my ex about all of this, and he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm trying to play on his sympathies to get him back. It's not about him. I've told my friends, and they minimize it, saying, "well, if I'd been through what you've been through, I'd drink too." My shrink said, "just try to cut back". That shrink is no longer my shrink, BTW.
The only ones who know and believe it is my dog, and me, and my wallet. The money I've spent is mind-boggling. I am just tired of it all.
I decided to stop on my own, first. I can't afford to go to treatment, and to be honest, I need to do it for ME, by myself. I got myself into this. I had a plan in case things went badly, but, by the Grace of God, I'm OK, and today is my 5th day. That's a miracle in itself! I don't ever want to go back.
I've made a list to read each day of why I need to stop, and beside it, a reason to continue. My stop list it 2 pages long, and I have two items on the "continue drinking" list: 1) Immediately feel "good", and 2) Death.
Last night when I went to bed, I laid there thinking of all of the things I'm grateful for. As I laid there, I realized that I had never seen my bedroom from the perspective of being in the bed before. It's kind of pretty. I've always ended up there face first in the pillow. I like looking at things from a new perspective. It made me cry.
I know the program of AA and Al Anon forwards and backwards. I know it all. I've never put it into practice HONESTLY, though. I am going to do that now. I don't want to live my life in isolation, depression, I don't want to get "mushy brain", lose my health, lose my job, I am TIRED OF LOSING.
I am most likely past the 'halfway point' of my life. The rest is going to be better, even if it is alone. I am doing One Day At A Time, and I am going to continue to ask for Wisdom and Guidance from my HP.
I know from experience from seeing all of those people I have met through the programs, that life CAN be better.
The funny thing is, that I really didn't know, or think that I had a problem. I don't understand that. I guess being raised in a denial environment had more ramifications than I had thought.
So, glad to meet you all, and thanks for all of your posts--they helped so very much.
Honu
Just a bit about me, and my "love" of alcohol:
I grew up in the South, parents were "teetottlers", father was a WWII dad (non-emotional and unavailable), yet worked 3 jobs to provide for his family. Mom was co-dependent, and did her best to make up for the unavailablity of Dad. When I was 14, I was a snoop, and found an anonymous letter sent to Mom in the mail, that Dad had another woman. My mother knew I read the letter, yet, nothing ever changed, nothing was ever said to me, it was as if nothing had happened. They stayed married until their deaths. I never saw them argue, disagree, nothing but the Cleavers...always happy. My father's 2 brother's were alcoholics, as well as his father (who died when he was 11 from falling off of a truck coming home from a "***** tonk", died 2 days later of internal injuries), and my mother had 2 alcoholic brothers.
I learned that 1) people don't fight, and to avoid confrontation if it ever came up, 2) if I was IN a confrontation, it meant that something was wrong with me, 3) if I ever needed Dad's attention/approval, I had to WORK for it, fostering intense codependency.
My uncles would come over drunk, laughing and having a good time. My Dad was always so serious, so intense, I really liked my uncles. They were FUN. I decided that nothing was wrong with drinking then, I'd rather be happy and laughing, than live like my mother was with my stern father.
My first experience drinking was at my friend's house (her parents drank, mine didn't), and it was at the same age as the "letter". We mixed her parent's Tom Collins, then, moved onto orange juice with vodka, then, ran out of that, and mixed TANG, (without water!), until I passed out, then got sick, and my dad came to get me. Nothing was ever said to me. Maybe they thought I'd learned my lesson. All I knew, was that I liked it. Even considering getting sick.
Fast forward to high school/college, I only wanted to have fun. Party. I had no desire to get a degree, have a career, nothing. I went to college because I had heard that you didn't even have to attend classes. So, I didn't. I remember waking up on the campus grounds several times, never made it back to the dorm. Also, I never declared a major, just didn't know what I wanted to do. I was raised to believe that I would simply marry, have kids, and be like my mom. I even went to Charm School in the 10th grade!!!
As my friends became "mature", started getting married, I thought to myself, "not me!" I didn't trust any man. I didn't date much at all. I went to parties, drank and just had a good time. I had to find new friends, and each time, they "matured" and I didn't, and I had to find new ones again.
Eventually, I landed a job that was a gold mine for partying. I've been in that job for 25 years. It's the only thing I've stayed with! (Except, of course for drinking). When I ran out of friends (who couldn't or wouldn't keep up with me, I'd move.) I've lived in 16 places, and to different states 8 times, just since 1983!
As I have gotten older, and more "mature" at drinking, it has become more isolating. I have made the "mature" decisions, to only drink at home, never drive after one drink, I stay off the phone and internet, and keep to myself. It isn't fun to drink with people anymore, because they simply can't or don't keep up. I never want to stop. So, alone, I can consume more in a shorter time, not **** anyone off, and no one ever knows. Right? No one gets hurt, Right? How's that for maturity??
Through the years, I have lost my mother at age 30, my father at age 37, (both from brain tumors), and my dog 2 years after my father, also a brain tumor. God hated me. So, my friend was my wine bottle. I calculated how much I could drink each day for the rest of my life with the little I got after he died. I figured I'd die first, and have enough money left for the wooden box for myself.
I was so alone, and depressed, I checked myself into a rehab in 1999. I decided to do what they said for one year, and give it 100%, and if it didn't work, I'd have permission to die. As soon as I got there, I'd found my new addiction. PEOPLE. So many hurting people there, I could fix them all. I couldn't fix my parents from their cancer, but, surely, I could make restitution with God if I could fix these addicts/alcoholics. I was in heaven. Didn't even want a drink.
I got hooked up with this guy, also in treatment, he liked pain killers. But, I thought he was there to get better, like I was, but found out that he was forced there, legally. It didn't matter. We were happy. Blissful. Everyone said it was a mistake, but they just didn't understand. We loved each other. (Ever heard that before??) He relapsed 3-4 times, lost 3 jobs, and finally, I had had enough, and left him 1 1/2 years ago.
I attended AA with him, (open meetings), as well as Al Anon, and was determined to fix him. I started drinking when he'd go out of town, and then dispose of the evidence before he got home. He never knew. I was just stressed. Living with an addict is very difficult, and I just needed a little glass of wine. (Which, means, to me, a BIG bottle). When I'd go out of town, I'd do the same thing. Get trashed in my hotel room, alone. Safe.
Since being away from him, I have gotten trashed every single night for over a year. I even started adding vodka with diet tonics to cut calories. What kind of rationalization, 'trying to control' is that? The end result is always the same. Also, after moving here 1 1/2 years ago, the "letter" re-surfaced in the bottom of a cedar chest, complete, still in the 3 cent postage envelope. So, my "denial" hit me in the face, really hard. Truths about my life started to re-surface at warp speed. I couldn't slow it down, couldn't handle the truth, and drank even more.
I have missed out on life, I have let alcohol, and my desire to "have fun" dictate my life for too many years. All I know now, is that I am now 48 years old, never got married, no children, no family, and my "wine bottle friend" isn't a friend at all. It has cost me my life.
I have told my ex about all of this, and he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm trying to play on his sympathies to get him back. It's not about him. I've told my friends, and they minimize it, saying, "well, if I'd been through what you've been through, I'd drink too." My shrink said, "just try to cut back". That shrink is no longer my shrink, BTW.
The only ones who know and believe it is my dog, and me, and my wallet. The money I've spent is mind-boggling. I am just tired of it all.
I decided to stop on my own, first. I can't afford to go to treatment, and to be honest, I need to do it for ME, by myself. I got myself into this. I had a plan in case things went badly, but, by the Grace of God, I'm OK, and today is my 5th day. That's a miracle in itself! I don't ever want to go back.
I've made a list to read each day of why I need to stop, and beside it, a reason to continue. My stop list it 2 pages long, and I have two items on the "continue drinking" list: 1) Immediately feel "good", and 2) Death.
Last night when I went to bed, I laid there thinking of all of the things I'm grateful for. As I laid there, I realized that I had never seen my bedroom from the perspective of being in the bed before. It's kind of pretty. I've always ended up there face first in the pillow. I like looking at things from a new perspective. It made me cry.
I know the program of AA and Al Anon forwards and backwards. I know it all. I've never put it into practice HONESTLY, though. I am going to do that now. I don't want to live my life in isolation, depression, I don't want to get "mushy brain", lose my health, lose my job, I am TIRED OF LOSING.
I am most likely past the 'halfway point' of my life. The rest is going to be better, even if it is alone. I am doing One Day At A Time, and I am going to continue to ask for Wisdom and Guidance from my HP.
I know from experience from seeing all of those people I have met through the programs, that life CAN be better.
The funny thing is, that I really didn't know, or think that I had a problem. I don't understand that. I guess being raised in a denial environment had more ramifications than I had thought.
So, glad to meet you all, and thanks for all of your posts--they helped so very much.
Honu
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR Honou so glad that you found us! Please keep posting there is a lot of support here as you start your journey! You can also check out the other forums-Alcoholism and others there are stickies at the top of the forum you may want to look at too!
All the best to you!
All the best to you!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Good post Honu, you mentioned you had a hard time seeing your own problem.... one of the main symptoms of alcoholism is a denial of the disease!!!
Just to prepare you, a lot of folks become active in AA feeling they know AA inside and out, I highly reccommend when you start working the steps with a sponsor and going to Step Studies not going with preconcieved ideas. I have heard a lot of old timers share that they knew they were in trouble when they knew it all.
Please do not take what I said in the wrong way, it is great that you know about AA, I just said what I said to where you will keep an open mind.
Just to prepare you, a lot of folks become active in AA feeling they know AA inside and out, I highly reccommend when you start working the steps with a sponsor and going to Step Studies not going with preconcieved ideas. I have heard a lot of old timers share that they knew they were in trouble when they knew it all.
Please do not take what I said in the wrong way, it is great that you know about AA, I just said what I said to where you will keep an open mind.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi Honu,
I think denial is such a huge part of addiction. When I look at back at how I acted and what I thought, it's unbelievable to me. But, at the time, my mind was messing with me.
I'm glad you found us.
I think denial is such a huge part of addiction. When I look at back at how I acted and what I thought, it's unbelievable to me. But, at the time, my mind was messing with me.
I'm glad you found us.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Many similarities in our stories, Honu. I'm so glad you've reached out for help. There's a huge variety of people on SR and so much priceless help to be found here. I guess you haven't had a bad withdrawal - that's amazing. Your upbeat attitude & sense of humor will definitely help with your recovery. Hope to hear much more from you. Love, Joanie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: FL
Posts: 47
Honu,
Welcome to SR, I'm new here myself but it's a great place to be and has helped me lots!
It IS amazing how we justify and deny that we have a problem, but it's not our fault, it's bigger than us. The key is understanding and realizing it, because until then, I think it's hard for most to stay sober. I'm glad you want to get off the elevator that is going down, and hop on the one going up!
I can tell you, I never thought I needed to be on that elevator (or even in the building!), but I know where I'm going now, and I can tell you, it sure is wonderful! :ghug
Karen
Welcome to SR, I'm new here myself but it's a great place to be and has helped me lots!
It IS amazing how we justify and deny that we have a problem, but it's not our fault, it's bigger than us. The key is understanding and realizing it, because until then, I think it's hard for most to stay sober. I'm glad you want to get off the elevator that is going down, and hop on the one going up!
I can tell you, I never thought I needed to be on that elevator (or even in the building!), but I know where I'm going now, and I can tell you, it sure is wonderful! :ghug
Karen
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Honu,
I'm glad you're here. And I'm glad you're letting your alcoholism come out of the closet and into the open so you can heal. I was a secret drinker and that day when everything fell out of my so desperately contained decption, was one of the most important days of my life. The beginning.
One thing you said struck me in particular: "I decided to stop on my own, first. I can't afford to go to treatment, and to be honest, I need to do it for ME, by myself." Others here have taken issue with me before when I've said I don't believe any of us really quit on our own. But, knowing that you are looking to AA, and that the concept of a HP is not distasteful to you, I want to say that I think you have company where you are right now. I don't think you are on your own. I think your HP is there too. And now, we here at SR are too. So, even if a treatment program isn't in the cards for you, maybe remembering that you are not doing it on your own will help you be strong.
My first 3-4 weeks were so difficult. It felt impossible. But it turns out, I made it through. And you can too. Even when you need to pull out your list of reasons (great idea) and even when you are feeling desperate and alone. First, you're not alone. Second, we know how hard it can be.
I'm rooting for you,
MLE
I'm glad you're here. And I'm glad you're letting your alcoholism come out of the closet and into the open so you can heal. I was a secret drinker and that day when everything fell out of my so desperately contained decption, was one of the most important days of my life. The beginning.
One thing you said struck me in particular: "I decided to stop on my own, first. I can't afford to go to treatment, and to be honest, I need to do it for ME, by myself." Others here have taken issue with me before when I've said I don't believe any of us really quit on our own. But, knowing that you are looking to AA, and that the concept of a HP is not distasteful to you, I want to say that I think you have company where you are right now. I don't think you are on your own. I think your HP is there too. And now, we here at SR are too. So, even if a treatment program isn't in the cards for you, maybe remembering that you are not doing it on your own will help you be strong.
My first 3-4 weeks were so difficult. It felt impossible. But it turns out, I made it through. And you can too. Even when you need to pull out your list of reasons (great idea) and even when you are feeling desperate and alone. First, you're not alone. Second, we know how hard it can be.
I'm rooting for you,
MLE
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Bowling Green KY
Posts: 275
welcome aboard honu. god bless you. though my drinking level was not similar to yours.
for the past four years i have drank 16-20 ounces of 90 proof vodka EVERY single day. today will mark 25 days for me.
the change has been unreal physically and mentally. i am getting so much done but part of that may be me compensating staying busy so i'm not just vegging on the sofa wishing for some vodka.
i've honestly only had bad urges 3 times in the 25 days and made it through them. i have a few people at work that i have shared with and they'll ask me, how many days now? when i tell them they say "great".
but it was this board that gave me the strength to stop. every time i read about someone that had been able to even make it one day i was envious and jealous and wondered why i couldn't.
for the ones that relapse and beat themselves up there is always one of the regulars here to immediately lift them up.
i read this place 3 months before i quit and stayed quit 15 days before i made my first post. i'm a sports message board fanatic but this is definitely in my favorite places list.
good luck to you in your endeavour darlin'.
david.
for the past four years i have drank 16-20 ounces of 90 proof vodka EVERY single day. today will mark 25 days for me.
the change has been unreal physically and mentally. i am getting so much done but part of that may be me compensating staying busy so i'm not just vegging on the sofa wishing for some vodka.
i've honestly only had bad urges 3 times in the 25 days and made it through them. i have a few people at work that i have shared with and they'll ask me, how many days now? when i tell them they say "great".
but it was this board that gave me the strength to stop. every time i read about someone that had been able to even make it one day i was envious and jealous and wondered why i couldn't.
for the ones that relapse and beat themselves up there is always one of the regulars here to immediately lift them up.
i read this place 3 months before i quit and stayed quit 15 days before i made my first post. i'm a sports message board fanatic but this is definitely in my favorite places list.
good luck to you in your endeavour darlin'.
david.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 30
Hi there Honu. Thanks for your post. I'm also new here, and quitting on my own. (after about a decade of pretty heavy drinking, and yep, I LOVED to drink alone..I really identify with that)
It's GREAT that you are at 4 days with no problems (I, being really worried about possible health issues from cold turkey after reading about them recently...I had no clue....am on day 4 of cutting back to a few glasses of wine per day and working my way gradually down to nothing)
I did have a long-term relationship and 2 kids (recently widowed after 23 yrs, which is what gave me the kick in the hiney I needed to say ENOUGH! That and the levels of excess I reached in the wake of that trauma...scared even ME!) but I can also identify with your feelings that your drinking took your life away...so much I realize I have missed or not been totally there for over the years.
I ALSO appreciate how you describe seeing this as the second half of your life...yes, me too (though I think of this as my 3rd life...there was my life before I met my partner, then there was my life with him, mostly great save for the last few years, and now, this life)
Welcome!
It's GREAT that you are at 4 days with no problems (I, being really worried about possible health issues from cold turkey after reading about them recently...I had no clue....am on day 4 of cutting back to a few glasses of wine per day and working my way gradually down to nothing)
I did have a long-term relationship and 2 kids (recently widowed after 23 yrs, which is what gave me the kick in the hiney I needed to say ENOUGH! That and the levels of excess I reached in the wake of that trauma...scared even ME!) but I can also identify with your feelings that your drinking took your life away...so much I realize I have missed or not been totally there for over the years.
I ALSO appreciate how you describe seeing this as the second half of your life...yes, me too (though I think of this as my 3rd life...there was my life before I met my partner, then there was my life with him, mostly great save for the last few years, and now, this life)
Welcome!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 321
Well, I feel like quite a fool today. Yesterday, I aired my dirty laundry for all to see. First time in my life. I immediately left, and took the dog for a walk. Totally scared of the ramifications of putting it all 'out there'. The Southern way, is to not tell anyone your secrets. Remember "The Prince of Tides"? It has always been, at least in my family, that if no one knows, then it didn't happen.
My sweet puppy and I spent the day together, I even took her with me to see my shrink. Too many people knowing all that's in my head.....all of you, and then her, in person.
We went walking afterward through the woods (we like trails), and then home, and made a pitstop to pick up some wine. I was on a mission. I just wanted it all to go away. I am so ashamed of who I have become over the years, and now that people KNOW, I was even more ashamed. So, I retreated back into my shell, and drank the entire bottle. (The big one).
Needless to say, I feel horrible today, in more ways than one. I am starting over again today is day 1. I am NOT going to stop starting over, no matter what.
I just read the thread from Least, and I cried and cried for her. I know how she feels, feeling like a loser, etc. I loved the support you all gave her, and the awesome words of wisdom. Two things really stuck with me. One was (I forgot who wrote them) "Don't let your story end with a surrender to alcohol"., and the other was "Without change, your past will be your present and future. That much you know, and it is what you can control". I loved those.
Today, I will not drink. Tomorrow, will be day 2. Then, we go on from there, one day at a time.
Also, in my reference that I know AA backwards and forwards, I meant that I am no stranger to the concepts, I am not a "newcomer" who has no idea what AA is. That was all I was saying. Obviously, I don't know enough to stay off the stuff. I do know that we are as sick as our secrets, which is the main reason for my posting to begin with. As long as my secrets are still secrets, I'll stay sick. I know that much.
Thank you all again, and WHEW, here I go again....
Digging myself out of my pit....
My sweet puppy and I spent the day together, I even took her with me to see my shrink. Too many people knowing all that's in my head.....all of you, and then her, in person. We went walking afterward through the woods (we like trails), and then home, and made a pitstop to pick up some wine. I was on a mission. I just wanted it all to go away. I am so ashamed of who I have become over the years, and now that people KNOW, I was even more ashamed. So, I retreated back into my shell, and drank the entire bottle. (The big one).
Needless to say, I feel horrible today, in more ways than one. I am starting over again today is day 1. I am NOT going to stop starting over, no matter what.
I just read the thread from Least, and I cried and cried for her. I know how she feels, feeling like a loser, etc. I loved the support you all gave her, and the awesome words of wisdom. Two things really stuck with me. One was (I forgot who wrote them) "Don't let your story end with a surrender to alcohol"., and the other was "Without change, your past will be your present and future. That much you know, and it is what you can control". I loved those.
Today, I will not drink. Tomorrow, will be day 2. Then, we go on from there, one day at a time.
Also, in my reference that I know AA backwards and forwards, I meant that I am no stranger to the concepts, I am not a "newcomer" who has no idea what AA is. That was all I was saying. Obviously, I don't know enough to stay off the stuff. I do know that we are as sick as our secrets, which is the main reason for my posting to begin with. As long as my secrets are still secrets, I'll stay sick. I know that much.
Thank you all again, and WHEW, here I go again....
Digging myself out of my pit....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Many of us had false starts on our way to solid recovery.
:burned...I lost count of how many I had.
However...just begin again and this time add a AA meeting
into your 24 hours ASAP.
You too can recovery...millions of us have.
:burned...I lost count of how many I had.
However...just begin again and this time add a AA meeting
into your 24 hours ASAP.
You too can recovery...millions of us have.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 321
I don't know...I feel like my life is over. Not because of not being able to drink, I really don't care about that. I just get so lonely. I hear that people have to quit for their kids, families, etc. I don't have any of that. I have no one. No children, no family. I don't see me ever having any one in my life. That's why I feel like it's over. What's the point in this life, anyway?
I wish I could just find out why I am even here, why I was even born. I don't think I have anything to look forward to. This weekend is one of my worst, because it's "Mother's Day", and I hate it. I hate the holidays, everything that has anything to do with Family.
I try to get out and go to the park, and all I see is families, and I get so jealous, and I come home, and it is just so depressing.
I'm too old now, and I have nothing to offer anyone anyway. So, whatever. I'll continue to keep on, but, I don't know why.
Thanks for all the support.
Honu
I wish I could just find out why I am even here, why I was even born. I don't think I have anything to look forward to. This weekend is one of my worst, because it's "Mother's Day", and I hate it. I hate the holidays, everything that has anything to do with Family.
I try to get out and go to the park, and all I see is families, and I get so jealous, and I come home, and it is just so depressing.
I'm too old now, and I have nothing to offer anyone anyway. So, whatever. I'll continue to keep on, but, I don't know why.
Thanks for all the support.
Honu
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