figure

Something is not right. I am so worried about my A. He lives 5 hours from me. I last talked to him Sunday, 3 days ago and he was getting ready for finals and moving back home from school. I last saw him April 26-29 when I went to visit him and stayed with him. He was having trouble sleeping and worried about school, graduating and finding a job. He kept telling me that he was going to quit smoking weed soon and kept telling me reasons why he smoked: cope with stress, self-medicate, etc......Anyway, in Feb he was supposed to meet me in Dallas and called me at 4 pm saying he was going to print out the directions and would be on his way. He never showed up. I called and called leaving messages on his voicemail, so many, 15 exactly that I filled it up. He finally called me back 2 days later after I called his Mom leaving a message to her that I was worried. He told me that something happened right before he was about to leave and that he couldn’t call. I kept asking questions and he kept telling me not to worry about it and that he couldn’t tell me what happened. I asked if it was about weed or another girl and he said no. 3 days later his phone was disconnected. I was devastated. He finally called me from a private number about a week later. I told him it was showing up private and he said he didn’t know why. He called 2 more times privately and I did not answer. He called me finally and the number showed up and he left me a voice mail saying this was his new number in March. He has had this new number a little over 2 months now. I tried to call him yesterday only to get a message saying “The person that you are trying to reach is not accepting calls at his time. Please try again later.” I find this odd because he is taking his last final today and then driving 6 hours home. Not a good time for the phone to be off. I tried calling from a different number and got the same message so my number has not been blocked. I called the phone company and they said he might be out of the area, has his phone off or the bill is late.

Just out of curiosity, for some reason I called his old number and some guy answered the phone. I asked for my A and he hung up on me then text messaged me “Who is this.” I called right back and he answered then hung up and text me “Don’t cal me.” I kept calling and texting non stop for awhile after that asking “Who is this? How long have you had this number? Do you know my A? Why won’t you talk to me”........only to be ignored over and over. I find this very odd. It has not been 3 months yet since he has not had his old number....could it have been given to someone new already or what’s going on??? I call my A a lot checking on him and seeing how he is doing, he has not been ignoring me and has been good at answering or calling me back shortly after I have called him. Does anyone have any ideas what’s going on? I am so confused and worried!

kj0975

Usually they owe $ to people and change the # so they cant get a hold of him anymore.

figure

I really dont think the phone is off. He usually jus puts it on silent if he doesn't want to be bothered. I dont call him EVERYDAY! But I just feel like somethings wrong.

hello-kitty

If you are really worried about his health & safety then why don't you call the police??? Otherwise, if you don't think it's that serious, then accept that he doesn't want to be bothered... and focus on yourself. Maybe read a book about codependency... He is not your responsibility. It's just hard to accept. I used to WISH that my addict actually had a reason for not answering the phone ... but inside I knew what was going on. He was too busy using and didn't want me bumming out his high.

kj0975

Or sounds like he might trade his phone for drugs many things really. You will go insane trying to figure it out. Hes a big boy he can handle himself he knows what he is doing, you cant change him or help him or figure him out. Sorry to be so harsh but its obviously he only tells you what he wants you to know the rest will always be a mystery. Thats kinda what addicts do he will slip and you will find out but then what are u prepared to do about it? Is this the life you want for yourself? Is this what you want to be worrying about 20yrs from now? Just a few things to ask yourself. I have been where you are I know its hard to figure out and hard to walk away and even harder to STOP asking questions and try to figure out the mind of an addict. You will become obsessed and go NUTS trying to figure it out.

figure

Well, i thought of that. He owed some guy money about 3 years ago and he asked me to help him and I did so I believe he would ask me for money if he needed it bit i could be wrong. What else could it be?

figure

You are right!! How do you stop? That's exactly what I have been trying to do, trying to figure out the mind of an addict. I have been doing this or 4 years now. It has brought me some insight into what's going on but also a lot of pain. How do I let go? I have tried several times but he always coms back calling and calling ........I have gone 4 and 5 months without talking to him or seeing him. I even went 1 1/2 years without seeing him and then started seeing him again in March. i figured I could be stronger and my feelin gs would have changed by then due to so much time apart and he was dating someone else but no they haven't. I still care about him so much.

GiveLove

Figure,

I'm sorry you're in pain.

Your boyfriend is a grown man, and you cannot control what he does, where he goes, when he shuts his phone off, or anything else. He is making his own decisions and choices. You cannot control them. It appears that you are letting his choices and his actions control your entire life and ruin your happiness.

Have you considered reading Codependent No More, as many of us here have? It was a real eye-opener for me and for others, and helped us to find ways to not be so devastated by the choices of others.

Wishing you the best

figure

If I call the police and send them over there to check it out and if he's smoking or has weed on him, he could get ino trouble. I have ALL the books on codependency and love melody Beatties books. Why did you WISH your A would not answer the phone?

figure

What do I want? I want to know how much a stupid cell phone plays in the lives of an Addict?? I wana know how things can be fine one minute and then BAM different the next? I wanna know what the hell is going on??

figure

Thank you for your response. I have ALL of Melody Beattie' s books and have been reading and reading and reading for 4 years now. Sometimes I feel good but guess I am relapsing in my codependent ways right now......i think I will go back and reread some books. Thanks. I am just soooooo worried.

Kindeyes

Whew.......stop........breathe deeply.

Your post made me start to hyperventilate!

Something is going on and you can't control it. You are spinning in confusion and worry and it is not productive! It's only making you feel worse than you need to feel right now.

It makes perfect sense to me for his phone to be turned off on the day he is taking his last final. He is either studying or in the process of taking the final.....his phone should be off.

As for the guy with his old phone number, he's probably freaking out because you are trying to use his limited minutes that he pays for and he doesn't know who you are or why you keep calling him.

Take a couple of steps back and do something nice for yourself to get your mind off of your worries. Take a walk. Go to the library. Go shopping. Anything to stop worrying about something that you cannot control. Concentrate on you for now and perhaps you will hear from him soon and find out that your worry was a waste of your precious energy.

gentle hugs

Cupicake

It's hard and heavy on the heart when you don't know what's happening and being five hours away makes a person feel completely helpless. (but honestly, you could feel completely helpless even if he was right next door to you or even living with you) I have no answers to your question since I know even less about the situation than you do. But, I can tell you this...when an addict doesn't want to be found...you won't be able to find them. When they want to tune you out or stay out of contact...they will make it very clear to you. I would take what he is doing as a message to step back. He will let you in when he wants to. You can only control your side of things.

My exah wouldn't answer the phone when he was getting high. He would either turn it off or send my call straight to voicemail. Sometimes he would answer...not say anything and end the call. Sometimes his dealer would hold his phone as collateral. This is all addict behavior. I know that frantic-ness you feel. I've felt it. I would call over and over and over again. This would last all night. I'd lose sleep. Made myself sick. Until one day I actually asked myself "Why am I doing this to myself? I CAN NOT control or cure him."

figure

I really dont think his phone is turned off though. He puts it on silent when he doesnt want to be bothered. I guess i am this way because he was finally opening up to me and talking to me about his weed use. He has NEVER done that before. He doesnt think he has a problem even though I know he does but we were communicating. I hope that I do hear from him soon. Thanks.

figure

I see what this is doing to me and I still can't help but feel concerned. If I had an answer, I would then at least know what's going on and then what? The next step wil be worrying about what's next......I know I have to let go and prayed and will do it again....WHY DO ADDICTS HAVE TO BE SO UNPREDICTABLE???

Freedom1990

Apparently it plays a huge role in your life. Things are never 'fine' with an active addict.

I totally understand the obsession of what is he doing, why isn't he answering, yada yada yada because I did that for years with the AH.

The sad thing was I was wasting my life worrying and obsessing about him while he was busy obsessing about his addiction.

To expect an active addict to be courteous, respectful, and honest is nothing short of insanity.

You may have read those books, but I can't help but wonder if you got anything out of them at all.

Thank you for reminding me how far I have come in my life.

My standards are set high, and I will never again settle for less than what I deserve

MsPINKAcres

((figure))

I know this is very tough to hear and probably not the words you are hoping to get - but my friend - it is possible that your A is doing things that he doesn't want you to know about and doesn't want to talk to you. There are over a million "what if" scenarios. If you try to resolve each and every one - you could possibly drive yourself insane.

Believe me, I know.

I have been in many similiar situations. I have several A's in my family - before starting my own program of recovery - I would have done many of the same things you have done. Today, I try (notice the try!!) to focus on myself and what is really my business.

It's not easy, especially in dealing with our daughter - some days I do really well with it, somedays not so well.

Each person needs the dignity to walk their own path - our best thing to do is to allow them to do this and to focus on what we can do to help ourselves.

At least this is what has helped me in my journey thru this lift that has been affected by other people's drinking/using.

Wishing you the ability to find that inner peace for yourself,
Rita

BindereDunnat

I hate to tell you, because it's a useless opinion, and it won't do anyone any good, anyway. But if you really want people to make guesses, here's my "educated guess" (based on my years of experience with an active addict): He may have given his cell phone to a dealer. They do that sometimes, when they have no money or other assets to barter.

The new number may be a prepaid cell phone (no credit required to get one, you pay as you go, as you can afford it) if he has no time left on the phone, you would get a message similar to the one you heard. (not accepting incoming calls).

I have no idea what he's really into, but the evasion tactics you list sound more like other, more severe (and damaging) drug use. It doesn't sound like "just pot".

Then again, maybe he's just stressing over finals, he feels that you're "pestering" him, and he just doesn't want to tell you flat out DON'T CALL ME ANYMORE. (maybe "he's just not that into you")

Being five hours away, there's little or nothing you can do. Take it as it comes. Life lasts a long time, and no matter what he's doing, if it no longer involves you, your life will continue.

katiedid79

Well the way my therapist explained it is you are trying to think rational and apply rational feeling , ways of being etc. They are not rational and do not think in a healthy manner. If I was you I would try not to worry about it. When you speak to the a then tell the person how you feel . Thats all you can do.

MsPINKAcres

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck - then it's probably a duck.

quack, quack, quack.

An Addict is going to do what an addict is going to do!

unpredictablity is one of their main characteristics.

Would you expect a pinetree to sprout magnolias or pinecones?

Once you have convinced that pinetree to do what you want it to do - then you are ready, my friend to convince your A to be reliable and courteous.

Hate to say it so harshly, but the truth is the truth. Doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt and cause you pain.

These are the things I have learned in dealing with alcoholics/addicts all of my 43 3/4 yrs of life.

HUGS again,
Rita