Sad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Sad
So, today I prayed a lot in the morning to hand this all over to God. I left work early when I finished my assignment so I could go to an alanon meeting. I went and ironically they were on the first step (admitting we are powerless...). Still having a lot of anxiety, but I felt a little bit better. I decided to take a cab home because I couldn't face the subway and we drove down a street I have taken a million times, but not in months.
There is a wedding boutique on that street. For months I had my eye on a dress in the window. For the kind of wedding we talked about having it was perfect. The dress is still there in the window.
I'm not sure what I am feeling right now except really sad.
There is a wedding boutique on that street. For months I had my eye on a dress in the window. For the kind of wedding we talked about having it was perfect. The dress is still there in the window.
I'm not sure what I am feeling right now except really sad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,944
Heya NYCChick-
Still got them blues, eh? Sux.
You ever see the movie "Muriel's Wedding?"
If you need a classic, good, bittersweet laugh and you like "Abba" music - I suggest you rent it for a little mood therapy!
If you truly and positively want to see yourself choosing the perfect dress for the perfect wedding that can still be a reality for you. Just not with the guy who wasn't what you wished he was and who actively hid his deepest problem from you for how long?
Did the AlAnon meeting help? First step!! Always a good kick in the pants!!
Keep workin' it NYC.
Peace,
B.
Still got them blues, eh? Sux.
You ever see the movie "Muriel's Wedding?"
If you need a classic, good, bittersweet laugh and you like "Abba" music - I suggest you rent it for a little mood therapy!
If you truly and positively want to see yourself choosing the perfect dress for the perfect wedding that can still be a reality for you. Just not with the guy who wasn't what you wished he was and who actively hid his deepest problem from you for how long?
Did the AlAnon meeting help? First step!! Always a good kick in the pants!!
Keep workin' it NYC.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 126
I understand. I had a bad day too. There was an hour where I literally did not move. I had to push myself to go work out, and I bought some books about learning to be happy and what it means to be a recovering ACOA.
This is a tough time but we deserve better and at the end of every day we have to, and will, find some reason to believe.
This is a tough time but we deserve better and at the end of every day we have to, and will, find some reason to believe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
The meeting helped, but then I saw the dress and off the deep end again. I feel like I have a huge rain cloud over my head and it just keeps pouring. Keeping up the act around a bunch of new people too is exhausting. I don't know them and they don't know anything about me except I work there, so there is nowhere to run.
The firm seems to have an "open door" policy, meaning NO ONE closes their office door for any reason all day. My therapist suggested last week that if I felt like I was going to be upset to close the door and have a moment. How many times a day do I wish that!
One of the receptionist came in to my office today to get a file I was working on for the partner and said "you need some pictures or something. It's depressing in here." I just wonder if it's the office or me.
And, yes, the first step is a HUGE kick in the pants.
Angelus: Someone last week suggested that I get that book Oprah has been doing a series on. I think it's called "Your best life" or something like that. I read a lot so it's my next book investment.
The firm seems to have an "open door" policy, meaning NO ONE closes their office door for any reason all day. My therapist suggested last week that if I felt like I was going to be upset to close the door and have a moment. How many times a day do I wish that!
One of the receptionist came in to my office today to get a file I was working on for the partner and said "you need some pictures or something. It's depressing in here." I just wonder if it's the office or me.
And, yes, the first step is a HUGE kick in the pants.
Angelus: Someone last week suggested that I get that book Oprah has been doing a series on. I think it's called "Your best life" or something like that. I read a lot so it's my next book investment.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
(((NYC)))
I'm sorry you're feeling down:ghug3
I am feeling it too...I was in Walmart yesterday (don't like that place lol) cause it's close by my house and had to run to get some stuff quickly. This is so stupid, but xabf loved Walmart lol. So I went there with him last summer when he moved into his new place and helped him pick out bathroom stuff.
I went down that aisle yesterday and saw the exact same shower curtain and towels I helped him pick out. My heart sank and I ran out of the store. How ridiculous is that?
No matter what, I think it's hard to avoid reminders of them, and what could have been.
I can only imagine that it must be hard dealing with a new job right now as well. That alone can be stressful enough.
You're in my thoughts and prayers....
I'm sorry you're feeling down:ghug3
I am feeling it too...I was in Walmart yesterday (don't like that place lol) cause it's close by my house and had to run to get some stuff quickly. This is so stupid, but xabf loved Walmart lol. So I went there with him last summer when he moved into his new place and helped him pick out bathroom stuff.
I went down that aisle yesterday and saw the exact same shower curtain and towels I helped him pick out. My heart sank and I ran out of the store. How ridiculous is that?
No matter what, I think it's hard to avoid reminders of them, and what could have been.
I can only imagine that it must be hard dealing with a new job right now as well. That alone can be stressful enough.
You're in my thoughts and prayers....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The book Oprah has been doing a series on is "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's the same principles he wrote in "The Power of Now" several years ago. Very helpful for me and many people in accepting what is instead of wishing for what might have been.
So, we can get out of the dream of what we pictured our future to be like and accept what the present really is, we can stop suffering. This has been true for me. If I look at life as something that "should" be a certain way, I suffer. If I look at life as an unpredictable adventure, I am never disappointed. What fun is it knowing what will happen?
If your office is depressing to "someone else," who cares? If it is depressing to you, then that matters. I urge you to be NYC_Chick, no matter what that means. Give yourself totally and completely to who you really are deep inside and life will begin to make sense. That dress in the window is not you. What people expect is not you. The life that is perpetuated as the "American Dream" is not you. Only you know who you are. Be that. Nothing else. Then you will feel fulfilled, only then.
L
So, we can get out of the dream of what we pictured our future to be like and accept what the present really is, we can stop suffering. This has been true for me. If I look at life as something that "should" be a certain way, I suffer. If I look at life as an unpredictable adventure, I am never disappointed. What fun is it knowing what will happen?
If your office is depressing to "someone else," who cares? If it is depressing to you, then that matters. I urge you to be NYC_Chick, no matter what that means. Give yourself totally and completely to who you really are deep inside and life will begin to make sense. That dress in the window is not you. What people expect is not you. The life that is perpetuated as the "American Dream" is not you. Only you know who you are. Be that. Nothing else. Then you will feel fulfilled, only then.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
NYC - I am feeling exactly the same way which I why I decided to post last night after a break.
I was just food shopping alone on Sunday. I spotted a couple so obviously in love you could feel it, the woman had a huge bump. A family in the making and I was overcome with jealousy and anger because thats what I wanted.
I could hardly see when driving home because I was crying so much.
I'm wishing you strength and happiness to get through this. x
I was just food shopping alone on Sunday. I spotted a couple so obviously in love you could feel it, the woman had a huge bump. A family in the making and I was overcome with jealousy and anger because thats what I wanted.
I could hardly see when driving home because I was crying so much.
I'm wishing you strength and happiness to get through this. x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 44
What if your Higher Power were using this time in your life to prepare you for what he has in mind for you down the road? What if he has a much better goal for you and this is his way of making sure you learn the lessons you need to learn in order to accept and enjoy his plan for you?
I went through the same thing 11 years ago and this quote got me through. Above all, I knew I would love again and my love for my ex would fade because all love that is not tended to fades.
Little by little, it will get better. Continue taking care of yourself, you are on the right track!
Gmc
I went through the same thing 11 years ago and this quote got me through. Above all, I knew I would love again and my love for my ex would fade because all love that is not tended to fades.
Little by little, it will get better. Continue taking care of yourself, you are on the right track!
Gmc
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
I agree with gmc, use this time to learn about you.
and don't forget there is a lower power out there
trying to destroy us.
Easy does it
One day at a time
let go and let god
and don't forget there is a lower power out there
trying to destroy us.
Easy does it
One day at a time
let go and let god
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
A friend once told me "this too will pass" when he knew that I was going through a difficult time. That is the same when a relationship does not work out.
It is very easy to romantize weddings almost like a fairy tale. But I will be very honest with you that planning a wedding with an alcoholic was stressful. A couple of months before the wedding, he would stand me up because of his drinking. He would drive on the interstate with me as a passenger--I was screaming. When we went to get a marriage license, we got pulled over by a cop for a traffic violation before our wedding--it is by the grace of God that the cop overlooked that my husband had been drinking--very stressful knowing that relatives were coming in town the next week. And then there was planning the wedding--I decided to set a boundary and had the beer and wine on cash basis (forget etiquette), no hard liquor, but we paid for water and soft drinks--I did not want my mother to pay for alcohol and then be embarassed if he got too drunk--luckily he did good in a nonhosted bar--and his family would have backed me up if anything had happened.
OH and then there was the honeymoon, he got drunk--I was going off on the bartender at the St. Lucia resort telling him to not serve him because he was an alcoholic--I think the bartender saw dollar signs because he knew my husband would probably not be driving. It always fun when your husband throws up in the bushes.
And then a couple of months into my marriage, my husband loses his job and progresses more into alcoholism. He becomes verbally abusive, so eventually I have to separate. . . It is an underestimate that my first year of marriage was difficult.
Do you see where I am going with this? Weddings and marriage are not all wonderful and about fantasy.
It is good to have dreams. It is better to have dreams with someone else who is capable of truly being an equal and responsible parter as well.
And I have learned a lot about myself and how I need to take care of myself and let other people take care of themselves. If I could do it over, I would have slowed down the wedding dream and waited for him to be the right person before I walked down the aisle with him or I would have found someone else who could have been more of an equal partner.
It is very easy to romantize weddings almost like a fairy tale. But I will be very honest with you that planning a wedding with an alcoholic was stressful. A couple of months before the wedding, he would stand me up because of his drinking. He would drive on the interstate with me as a passenger--I was screaming. When we went to get a marriage license, we got pulled over by a cop for a traffic violation before our wedding--it is by the grace of God that the cop overlooked that my husband had been drinking--very stressful knowing that relatives were coming in town the next week. And then there was planning the wedding--I decided to set a boundary and had the beer and wine on cash basis (forget etiquette), no hard liquor, but we paid for water and soft drinks--I did not want my mother to pay for alcohol and then be embarassed if he got too drunk--luckily he did good in a nonhosted bar--and his family would have backed me up if anything had happened.
OH and then there was the honeymoon, he got drunk--I was going off on the bartender at the St. Lucia resort telling him to not serve him because he was an alcoholic--I think the bartender saw dollar signs because he knew my husband would probably not be driving. It always fun when your husband throws up in the bushes.
And then a couple of months into my marriage, my husband loses his job and progresses more into alcoholism. He becomes verbally abusive, so eventually I have to separate. . . It is an underestimate that my first year of marriage was difficult.
Do you see where I am going with this? Weddings and marriage are not all wonderful and about fantasy.
It is good to have dreams. It is better to have dreams with someone else who is capable of truly being an equal and responsible parter as well.
And I have learned a lot about myself and how I need to take care of myself and let other people take care of themselves. If I could do it over, I would have slowed down the wedding dream and waited for him to be the right person before I walked down the aisle with him or I would have found someone else who could have been more of an equal partner.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I understand where you're at right now. For me, it's every little thing in our house that reminds me of him. Some good, some bad. You're just in the beginning of your grief/loss. Have your grief as long as you need, but at some point, you need to let it go and move on. You can't stay "there" forever. BUT only YOU can know when it's time to let go.
You have to believe that you will find another love some day...you will have the wedding/marriage of your dreams. It may not seem possible right now but I believe we are all capable of moving past what we are/have today to become better people with better lives.
You have to believe that you will find another love some day...you will have the wedding/marriage of your dreams. It may not seem possible right now but I believe we are all capable of moving past what we are/have today to become better people with better lives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
NYC, I am so sorry you are hurting.
I got married to my AH when I was 27, and that was 13 years ago. There were so many times that red flags popped up but after we were engaged, I stuck it out. I couldn't imagine my life without that beautiful, perfect engagement ring on my finger. I loved that ring so much, I made my engagement more about that ring than about what was most important, which was having a healthy relationship with the man I was about to marry. And I stuck it out, even though there was a voice inside me that absolutely knew I shouldn't have.
Again, I am so sorry you are hurting. But from my perspective, I read your post and think of how lucky you are to have gotten away, before you were in too deep to extricate yourself easily. Not that what you are going through is "easy" but once you throw in joint homeownership and kids into the mix, it definitely gets a little messier and more difficult to get out of. Anyway, I'm not saying this to say that I have it harder than you... I'm saying that I read your posts and think GOOD FOR HER, she followed her gut and walked away, something that I was too scared to do back then.
And we have a saying at the end of our al-anon meetings "Keep coming back, it works when you work it, so work it YOU'RE WORTH IT." Keep reading the literature, keep posting here, keep going to those meetings. It won't be an overnight change but someday you'll wake up and realize that you are more happy than sad, more peaceful than anxious, and more relaxed than tense. And getting yourself healthy will ensure that you will someday be in a place to attract someone who is healthy, too. Just take it one day at a time....:ghug3
I got married to my AH when I was 27, and that was 13 years ago. There were so many times that red flags popped up but after we were engaged, I stuck it out. I couldn't imagine my life without that beautiful, perfect engagement ring on my finger. I loved that ring so much, I made my engagement more about that ring than about what was most important, which was having a healthy relationship with the man I was about to marry. And I stuck it out, even though there was a voice inside me that absolutely knew I shouldn't have.
Again, I am so sorry you are hurting. But from my perspective, I read your post and think of how lucky you are to have gotten away, before you were in too deep to extricate yourself easily. Not that what you are going through is "easy" but once you throw in joint homeownership and kids into the mix, it definitely gets a little messier and more difficult to get out of. Anyway, I'm not saying this to say that I have it harder than you... I'm saying that I read your posts and think GOOD FOR HER, she followed her gut and walked away, something that I was too scared to do back then.
And we have a saying at the end of our al-anon meetings "Keep coming back, it works when you work it, so work it YOU'RE WORTH IT." Keep reading the literature, keep posting here, keep going to those meetings. It won't be an overnight change but someday you'll wake up and realize that you are more happy than sad, more peaceful than anxious, and more relaxed than tense. And getting yourself healthy will ensure that you will someday be in a place to attract someone who is healthy, too. Just take it one day at a time....:ghug3
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick 
...I feel like I have a huge rain cloud over my head and it just keeps pouring...
((((((((((NYC))))))))))
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
This may sound silly but I find that yoga gets me into a centered place. Not the very active kind of yoga but more of a meditative yoga. That is where I find peace. Find your peaceful place whatever it may be and go there on the bad days (and on the good days). It really does help. Looking for the beauty around you is helpful. Right now the wild dogwood trees are blooming here. I look for them and call them my happy little surprises when I see the delicate flowers in the forests. Look for the beauty that is this world......it's all around you.
gentle hugs
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Chicopee, MA
Posts: 1
I'm a NEWCOMER to this site and to ALANON. My Recovering Boyfriend walked out on me 2 weeks ago today. No explanantion, just said I didn't make him feel welcome, and that I didn't love him, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I love him and miss him so much. He won't call me or text me or ans phone. I have no idea where he's staying. I had a very very bad Beginners Meeting last night at ALANON. Was put in a room ALONE with a MAN and he made numerous passes at me. I left there hysterical. I called my Boyfriend and textd him, no answer. I don't know what to do. I don't k now if he needs time or space or what. He's the type that always wants to talk. I've tried to contact him everyday since he's left 14days ago. I'm crushed. He didn't take ALL of his belongings and I feel he over-reacted to a petty fight we had about respect of him telling me where he is when he's running late. He feels I'm controlling him. He has his own life of school, work, then AA, then home for supper, a shower, then bed, no time for me. I'm the one that sits and waits, and I'm still waiting....only now, he's not coming home. I'm lost, I'm hurt, I've been crying for weeks...anyone have any words of encouragement? He was constantly telling me he loved me and now he won't even talk to me....what do I do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm so thankful I have all of you : )
I'm still obsessed with the dress, but was able to try to figure out some things today.
I don't know where I fit anymore and I think it's sent me in such a tailspin I can't get out of it. I don't fit at work. No one knows me and I don't know them. If I'm having a hard time, which has been perpetual since I walked in the door, I can't talk to one person there. Even if I had become fast friends with anyone, I wouldn't say anything. In case you didn't already sense this, lawyers aren't supposed to have breakdowns. We're supposed to handle everything without a care in the world in a competent and detached manner. Sometimes I wonder if I ended up in the wrong profession. I can't think of anything detached about me. Further to that, I'm supposed to be the person that can handle any assignment. I know this is what my mentor, who is also my reference, told them, so I am very worried I'll mess up. I re-read a case 4 times today to make sure I understood it. 4 TIMES! I understood it the first time, but because I have no confidence in anything I'm doing, I'm freaking out about the possibility that I'm wrong, which would cause many problems to say the least.
I don't fit in at home. I never thought I would feel like a stranger in my own apartment, but I do. I don't even know why. I leave to get distance from it. I go out for a walk and guess what...I don't fit there either, so I come right back to my apartment.
I don't fit any place where there is a couple because I'm not a couple. I'm alone. Even after all this time I don't know where I fit in a place where my ex isn't. I was going through things I brought home from my old office and found the save the date card for my friend's wedding. His name is on it. His name was on the invitation to the wedding too. So, now I'm relegated to M and Guest.
I don't fit in that wedding dress. For months I could see walking down the isle, dancing with my ex, having everyone around to wish us well, etc. Then I could see our kids and what they would look like. I know a lot of this is romanticizing, but I can't stop myself. I don't think you can get anymore single than this. The thought of being with someone else makes me cringe.
I'm just displaced from everywhere and everything. I really felt like I was doing well focusing on myself and trying to grow. I feel like I'm climbing up a muddy hill.
I really believe everything happens for a reason, but I just can't seem to grasp a reason right now that I have to keep going through this. Someone in alanon, who has been in for years and I have looked up to in this meeting, pretty much came unglued last night. I thought WOW, if it happens to her, then am I ever going to get better? I also think God has a plan for me, I just wish he'd clue me in on it. I feel like I've had lesson after lesson thrown at me, but no matter how hard I try to get it and understand, I get another lesson that just confuses me.
I'm still obsessed with the dress, but was able to try to figure out some things today.
I don't know where I fit anymore and I think it's sent me in such a tailspin I can't get out of it. I don't fit at work. No one knows me and I don't know them. If I'm having a hard time, which has been perpetual since I walked in the door, I can't talk to one person there. Even if I had become fast friends with anyone, I wouldn't say anything. In case you didn't already sense this, lawyers aren't supposed to have breakdowns. We're supposed to handle everything without a care in the world in a competent and detached manner. Sometimes I wonder if I ended up in the wrong profession. I can't think of anything detached about me. Further to that, I'm supposed to be the person that can handle any assignment. I know this is what my mentor, who is also my reference, told them, so I am very worried I'll mess up. I re-read a case 4 times today to make sure I understood it. 4 TIMES! I understood it the first time, but because I have no confidence in anything I'm doing, I'm freaking out about the possibility that I'm wrong, which would cause many problems to say the least.
I don't fit in at home. I never thought I would feel like a stranger in my own apartment, but I do. I don't even know why. I leave to get distance from it. I go out for a walk and guess what...I don't fit there either, so I come right back to my apartment.
I don't fit any place where there is a couple because I'm not a couple. I'm alone. Even after all this time I don't know where I fit in a place where my ex isn't. I was going through things I brought home from my old office and found the save the date card for my friend's wedding. His name is on it. His name was on the invitation to the wedding too. So, now I'm relegated to M and Guest.
I don't fit in that wedding dress. For months I could see walking down the isle, dancing with my ex, having everyone around to wish us well, etc. Then I could see our kids and what they would look like. I know a lot of this is romanticizing, but I can't stop myself. I don't think you can get anymore single than this. The thought of being with someone else makes me cringe.
I'm just displaced from everywhere and everything. I really felt like I was doing well focusing on myself and trying to grow. I feel like I'm climbing up a muddy hill.
I really believe everything happens for a reason, but I just can't seem to grasp a reason right now that I have to keep going through this. Someone in alanon, who has been in for years and I have looked up to in this meeting, pretty much came unglued last night. I thought WOW, if it happens to her, then am I ever going to get better? I also think God has a plan for me, I just wish he'd clue me in on it. I feel like I've had lesson after lesson thrown at me, but no matter how hard I try to get it and understand, I get another lesson that just confuses me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hugs, honey. I know where you are. I've been there. Please know that things will improve with time. I didn't believe it either. I just kept "faking it" till I made it, you know "walk the walk" and "keep putting one foot in front of the other" type of language. Your life has changed, but change isn't always bad. It's just different. In time, you will develop your new normal, and come to love it because you get to design it.
I had to switch jobs during my divorce. That was HARD! I also didn't think I was doing a very good job at first, but I kept walking the walk. Today I know I kick-a$$ at work and am back to my usual level of performance. It's okay, as long as you are maintaining and not being supergirl yet.
You have gone through so much, NYC, in the past 6 months, right? I know how hard it is to lose what you thought was your future, to lose your home, to lose your job and start over in all areas of life. It's unbelievable at first! You think, what the hel! happened? But you just keep plugging along. That is strength. I didn't realize it back then but now I know.
Crises come up in life. People handle them in different ways. I know that today I am much better equipped at handling stress and pain than I was before I went through what I did. It can still "hit" me hard, but I recover much more quickly and let go of what doesn't involve me way more easily. I learned some very powerful lessons about myself and others during all the pain. I am "new and improved" by all of it. You are too, and in time you will see this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, girlie. It does happen, this "veil lifted" and new life is okay-thing. Patience, self-love, and sharing here and with others will be your guiding lights. Don't be too hard on yourself right now because you sound perfectly normal to me, considering!
I had to switch jobs during my divorce. That was HARD! I also didn't think I was doing a very good job at first, but I kept walking the walk. Today I know I kick-a$$ at work and am back to my usual level of performance. It's okay, as long as you are maintaining and not being supergirl yet.
You have gone through so much, NYC, in the past 6 months, right? I know how hard it is to lose what you thought was your future, to lose your home, to lose your job and start over in all areas of life. It's unbelievable at first! You think, what the hel! happened? But you just keep plugging along. That is strength. I didn't realize it back then but now I know.
Crises come up in life. People handle them in different ways. I know that today I am much better equipped at handling stress and pain than I was before I went through what I did. It can still "hit" me hard, but I recover much more quickly and let go of what doesn't involve me way more easily. I learned some very powerful lessons about myself and others during all the pain. I am "new and improved" by all of it. You are too, and in time you will see this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, girlie. It does happen, this "veil lifted" and new life is okay-thing. Patience, self-love, and sharing here and with others will be your guiding lights. Don't be too hard on yourself right now because you sound perfectly normal to me, considering!
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